TSI Episode 11: The Tears of a ClownCanadaGirl: Gimme the summary pen, Bebo.
Bebo: But I want it! Let me keep it, puhleeze?
CG: No, it’s time for you to write another TSI. Think of the Ryans that were earned this week!
I’m glad I gave back the summary pen, because CG’s summary is awesome. I’m glad she wasn’t wasted on a non-elimination week. But the TSI goes on, even when the clowns don’t.
1. Jon & Al – They go out on top, but so freakin’ what? They still go out.
You think by now that they would have learned to never, not ever, take the word of one travel agent that they are getting the best deal. I learned that the hard way years ago on my first honeymoon, when the travel agent assured us we were getting the best cabin on our Windjammer cruise. If you define best as the smallest cabin with the poorest air circulation, then yeah, the travel agent told the truth. Obviously, that cow got a job in Korea and screwed over our clown boys. Lesson for all travelers: If you call a 24-hour travel hotline, you may be getting someone who is working hour #23 and screws you over out of exhaustion. Just like any surgery, get a second opinion. 100 Ryans for the mistake that led to their elimination.
But that’s not the only Ryan-worthy move for our boys this week. How many Ryans do they deserve for the lamest chicken crossing the road joke in history? I’m not just talking modern history – the Romans didn’t even tell lamer chicken jokes than that one. I debated between giving them 50 Ryans or giving them a million. Hell, they lost, so I decided to give them the smaller total so they could at least keep their top position on the TSI. After all, it’s not like they could balance it on their nose or anything.
Speaking of that, 20 more Ryans for yet again balancing things on their nose. They must be pathetic clowns if that’s the only trick they know. Glad I didn’t pay to see their act.
This week: 200 Ryans
Overall: 237 Ryans, 4 Dicques
2. Dave & Jeff – I know, it must be a sign of the apocalypse that Dude & Bro have the highest score of the remaining teams. And they’re in first, even though they haven’t gotten that much airtime. Maybe it’s just because they spend most of the race lost. I think the real reason they did so well this week is that they took the Fast Forward, so they only had one task to screw up while the others had several.
Speaking of the Fast Forward, how many thought this game was rigged when it turned out the final Fast Forward involved surfboards? After all, what are Dude & Bro holding in the opening sequence? OK, that too, but I was referring to the shot of them holding surfboards. But even though these guys are experienced at carrying surfboards along the beach, they still have trouble with the FF and flip the poor victim back into the water. At that point, I had two thoughts running through my head:
- It would be so cool if the victim started to struggle, like a real victim, and drowned Dude and/or Bro.
- David Hasselhoff, I sincerely apologize for all of the “Baywatch” heckling I participated in. However, I will not apologize to Carmen Electra, because after her whole Dennis Rodman marriage fiasco, I realized I haven’t heckled her enough.
This week: 60 Ryans
Overall: 266 Ryans, 1 Dicque
3. Kelly & Jon – So, Jon didn’t know exactly which string to pull to get the clue during the kite challenge. His inability to complete a simple task by following the directions not only heaped Ryans upon this team, it again made me flash back to Le Mans and pity Kelly. And what was the deal with him taking so long to get off the plane? Was he taking yet another potty break in the middle of the Race? Or was he hitting on a flight attendant? Either way, it was Ryan-worthy.
And then we get to the Detour. Will someone please explain to me the logic of making the more nervous team member – not to mention the one with the broken hand – go second? To me, it makes more sense to let her try first, so that’s if you do have to abandon this route for the other one, you’ve used up less time. And if you decide to continue, then the stronger, faster, two-handed member of the team can try to make up time. But that’s just me.
(Actually, it’s not – Mr. Bebo was sitting beside me saying the same thing. At least, after he picked his jaw up off the ground after I told him I would’ve definitely picked that option if we had been racing. He knows I’m a scaredy-cat when it comes to heights, but he doesn’t realize how much fun I had the one and only time I’ve gone rapelling. I would have gladly done it again, even face first.)
And once the Detour was done, Jon decided to push his teammate with the broken hand. “Jon, you’re pushing me, idiot – I’m your teammate.” Aw, who said chivalry was dead? She got her revenge, though, by tapping on the glass during Jon’s shark walk. Kelly, you have to wait until after the nuptials to collect on those “accidents” with the insurance company – wake up and smell the fish bait.
This week: 200 Ryans
Overall: 435 Ryans, 1 Dicque
4. Reichen & Chip – Oh, where do I start? How about with Chip’s gesture to the cabbie that definitely did not mean please? Or all of those other gestures he kept making as he yelled at the cabbie? Is he trying to break down stereotypes by proving that gay men can be just as boorish and asinine as straight men when traveling in foreign countries? Please, please, let some barriers remain. What’s next, wearing black socks with sandals?
I did love their trash-talking of Jon, particularly the comment at the airport, “We’re more masculine and manly than he is.” (Note from Bebo: You’re definitely better looking, too.) And then there was the comment, “He was watching the gay man, he learned from the gay man.”
At the roadblock, I was wondering who was in the wet suit, because Reichen was doing a perfect imitation of Chuck. If he had done the shark walk any slower, he would have been going backwards. Sheesh. I got so bored watching Reichen complete that Roadblock that I went into the living room to watch some paint dry.
But then we get to the race to the pit stop, and Jon showed proper judgment by not watching the gay men. Chip spent loads of time yelling at cabbies because they could not understand instructions in English. Um, Chipster, since when do the instructions ON FOOT mean to get into your car and drive? I don’t know what was worse about this penalty – their inability to read simple English, or the false hope that they gave me that they might actually have their stupid asses drummed out of this race. But alas, no, their incompetence was not complete incompetence, and they were allowed to remain in the race.
This week: 320 Ryans
Overall: 457 Ryans, 3 Dicques
Next week on The Amazing Race: An overturned dune buggy. Running over a teammate’s foot. TAR turns into Last Team Standing. A girl can dream, can’t she?
Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ
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