The Top 10 Most Ironic Statements Made By a Redneck

#10- Angie just quit on us, she couldn't do it...

Previously on Survivor. Koror won the reward challenge but by a fickle twist of the game they still had to go to tribal council for the first time, and voted out the old curmudgeon Willard Smith. Ulong blamed the loss on Ibrehem, but he was saved when another twist had Koror vote on which Ulong was going to have immunity. They voted and gave it to Ibrehem and Angie was voted out.

What our resident redneck James doesn't realize is that it was Angie that dominated in challenges for his tribe and she still had fight left in her. Ashley quit. Jeff quit. Angie did not quit, sorry James you are a dunderhead.

#9- From now on we have got to do a better job listening to each other, we gots to focus...

Night 12 at the Ulong camp and everyone is standing around the fire rehashing the loss of the beef stew. Steph starts talking about listening skills and how they are necessary for the tribe to win more challenges, just like that our redneck performs sentence interuptus and doesn't listen to a dang thing Steph just tried to say. Instead he reiterates that the team needs to listen more. He also points out that Ibey is the reason for the last team loss and that the team must now focus.

#8- By the grace of Allah, Ibey didn't go last time, my God says that he will go next...

We shall see soon enough...

Day 13 dawns and Ibey is shown off down the beach by himself praying. He explains that there are times he is able to sneak away from camp and get some time to talk to his God. He tells how he has a whole new lease on life and feels confident that he was meant to be in this game.

Cut to Camp Koror...Ian is describing how it felt to go to their first tribal council and that Willard was the victim of the vote. Since it wasn't anybody in Ian's circle of friends "it's just another day in paradise."

Everyone is shown working around camp, Tom and a few others are building what looks like a raft but with palm fronds sticking out of it, I can't even imagine what it is. Oh I know, they are building an addition to their already great shelter so that when Jenn and Greggs baby arrives, it will have it's own place to sleep that won't bug anybody. Ian is tending the fire, others are chopping wood or splitting coconuts.

The camera focuses on Coby who is busy watching Katie make a necklace out of twine. He explains "It's craft day at camp Koror. Well not really, just for Katie. Didn't help with the fire, didn't go hunting, but she is making necklaces God love her." These two are cruising for a showdown at some point in the future, I can't wait to see it.

Janu and Katie go retrieve treemail and are excited to see one Pringle potato chip sitting on top of the scroll. They rush back to camp to play the "guess what we have" game. Katie blurts out "We have treemail and guess what came with it...it starts with a P" The Koror knuckleheads just look at each other in a puzzled stupor. "And it ends in ull" Katie adds as a second hint, she jumps up and down and claps her hands.

Nope, the tribe is still stumped, so she shouts "Pringle". She breaks off a little piece for each person and passes it to the others. While the tribe munches on the snack, Janu reads the treemail:

Ready, aim, fire,
you'll each get a shot,
make sure it's a good one,
you'll be bummed if it's not.

No strength required,
a steady hand to compete,
see the wonders of these islands,
and give your taste buds a treat.

Katie exclaims with glee "Oh boy, it is a drinking challenge, we should be able to kick butt! We need all of our big lushes to compete in this one."

Caryn raises her hand, "I'll do it, I'm used to having 3 martini lunches."

Once it has been decided who will compete, they all raise their hands and claw the air while roaring, some sort of Koror pre-challenge bonding ritual, but hey why knock it, it's been working.

#7- All that Kim has going for her is her seckshuality...

That is one thing more than what James has going for him...

At the reward challenge Jiffy explains that the tribes will be firing a replica .50 caliber small class cannon and will be trying to knock out 8 of their tribe tiles. "The reward will be riding on a very unique one of a kind Japanese boat. While on board the winners will have Pringles, Mai Tais, and then go snorkeling at Jellyfish lake. The tribe that wins this challenge will feel rejuvenated by getting some food in their bellies and a couple of drinks."

As if it wasn't bad enough to give Pringles as a reward once last season, they decided to do it again. There is absolutely nothing in a Pringles potato chip of any substance or nutritional value whatsoever. That is unless you count the dried potatoes, vegetable oil, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and dextrose as nutritous.

Koror is bummed that they will be firing shots because they had their tribe lined up and ready to be drinking shots. Since 4 people need to sit out they chose Ian, Jenn, Katie, and Janu.

#6- Coby is strong for a gay man, he must work out...

Since they didn't show us the "rock, papers, scissors" match between Coby and James to see who would earn the right to go first, I decided to add it in here. James and Coby eyed each other as they toed the line Jiffy had drawn in the sand. Jiffy called out "1, 2, 3, shoot" and both men held up a fist, 2 rocks. Again Jiffy counted down and the redneck and the queen tossed out their middle and forefingers in the shape of a Vee (no not Vecepia from Marquesas, the letter V, which is mildly more interesting and stimulating.), 2 sets of scissors. Finally after 10 rounds of flashing the same symbol, James covered Coby's rock with his paper and Ulong won the right to start the challenge.

#5- We had it all in the bag and then Ibrehem, he blew it for us...

Bj misses low
Gregg misses left
Jeff asks James, “You shoot a lot of guns” James “Yeea”
James misses
Coby misses
Ibey misses low
Tom hits, Koror cheering squad does the wave
Steph hits 1-1
Caryn misses
BJ hits 2-1 Ulong, high fives all around
Gregg hits 2-2
James misses
Coby misses
Ibey hits 3-2
Tom misses
Steph hits Ulong 4-2
Caryn hits 4-3
Bj hits 5-3
Gregg hits 5-4
Keeps Koror in it
Jeff “James you are 0-fer” James "You aint lying Jeff, I’m dogging it today aint I" Only today?
James misses
Jeff "Still dry" James shakes his head "Still dry"
Coby missed
Ibey missed
Tom missed
Steph hits, Ulong 6-4 Jeff "Your pretty good with that gun" She smiles coyly. Most likely she bought a copy of Doug Koenig's sharpshooting video and studied it prior to heading to Palau
Caryn connects
Bj hits 7-5
Gregg hits
James misses
Jeff "Coby you like the pressure don’t you?" Coby "Only if you stand behind me and say that sweety"
Coby hits
Ibey misses
Tom misses (if it had been a fire-hose he could spray, he would have hit it)
Steph hits 8-7
Jeff "Caryn pressure is all on you" Coby does his zen meditation
Caryn misses

Ulong wins reward! James was about as useful as a poo-poo flavored lollypop in that challenge. Come to think of it, what challenge has James ever excelled in?

Jiffy announces that "If ever a tribe needed a win more it was Ulong just then." To the Koror folks he says "They get to taste Mai Tais and Pringles, you get your first taste of defeat in quite a while. I have nothing for you." Coby drops his chin to his chest and closes his eyes, rats.

They get to the boat and everyone is very excited. 4 cans of Pringles are sitting on the table surrounding 4 glasses and a pitcher of Mai Tais. James tells everyone to each grab a can. They sit and BJ proposes a toast. “This toast is called from here on out. From here on out we aren’t going to suck anymore at challenges, we are going to focus and we are going to listen. From here on out we are going to go all the way, we’ll go with the tide." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the tide is going out, away from Palau…

They eat the chips and read the Survivor trivia questions aloud. Steph asks “Who has a daughter named Rhea?” James answers “Rupert” WTF, they are still trying to shove Rupert down our throats, only now it is on a scoop shaped chip that comes in a cylindrical can.

They ask a few more questions and enjoy the drinks. Then they hike up a mountain and get their snorkel gear on and swim with the jellyfish. BJ has never experienced anything quite so euphoric in his life. Here he is, swimming among millions of jellyfish and it sure beats swimming with all the bullpout in a lake in Alabama.

Cut to Koror who is experiencing a pretty bad wind and rain storm. Ian is quite certain that the roof on their professionally built shelter will hold up to the storm, and unfortunately for our sake it does.

The next morning Janu is in the hammock all balled up like it is her cocoon, and crying and complaining to tom that she can’t do this. He is giving her a pep talk, “You can do this Janu, sure you feel bad today, and today you couldn’t do anything, but tomorrow you will get that old Koror tiger back in you and you will be strong again. Your worst fear is over now, you weren’t the first voted out, you’re going to make the merge, and the jury, and vote for one of us, most likely me, that is why I am giving you this sappy speech. So buck up little camper, better days are coming."

Katie speaks disdainfully of the showgirl, “Janu has completely lost it.”

#4- We don’t need a leader here, we are a Democracy...

The funny thing is, that in a Democracy there is an elected leader. He may not always be a great leader, but he is a leader nonetheless. A fact that apparantly evades James.

Day 14 at Ulong and Steph and Ibey are bringing treemail in the form of a large crate back to camp. Hopefully James asks "Is that full of rice?" Ibey smiles "Nope"

James reads:
This flag and box belong to your enemy.
Stop.
Your enemy has your flag and box also.
Stop.
You must secure the flag inside this box using only the rope provided.
Stop.
Make this box inpenetrable.
Stop.
Bring the secured box to the challenge.
Stop.

#3- I know a few things about knots, I was in the navy...

But are the knots he means nots or nauts, or is this whole challenge going to be for naught?

This reminds me of a time not so long ago when we heard him utter these famous last words.

#2- I'm a carpenter, I know how to build things...

The last challenge that the tribe let the redneck take the lead in, crumbled as the carpenter was beat in the outhouse building competition. Why on earth would they give this knothead the lead again? But as BJ says "He told us he knew how to tie knots because he was in the navy, so we let him lead and we followed him."

James trusses up the box using a super secret navy knot that will only get tighter the more that the other tribe pulls on it. "They won't know what is going on."

At the immunity challenge both tribes bring the box and set it down next to the start mats. Jiffy tells them that the first part of the challenge has already begun when they started tying the boxes this morning. The next part requires them to swim out to 3 bundles of lumber in the ocean and bring them back in. The tribes will have 20 minutes total and are trying to build a fortress around the box to make it difficult to get to. After the 20 minutes is up, the tribes will switch and then take the fortress apart to get to the box. The first tribe that can get into the box, get the tribe flag and run it up the flagpole will win immunity.

Since Ian, Jenn, Janu, and Katie sat out the last challenge, they are required to compete. On paper this should be a huge mismatch and Ulong should win this hands down. But the challenge, just like college basketball games that look like they should be lopsided, is not played on paper, so let's see how Ulong can self destruct and totally blow another immunity challenge, OK?

The self destruction begins immediately as Ibey lackidaisically swims walks out and stands in the water up to his chest and waits for Steph and Bobby John to bring the bundles of wood to him. James stands up on shore and attempts to tie his skirt together so that little James doesn't have to get pixelated, but he can't even tie that knot. Meanwhile, Katie and Janu add more rope and knots to secure their box. Ian and Jenn swim out to get the bundles.

After building the fortress and switching sides, Koror breaks down the materials and gets to their box first. They start untying the "nots" and make short work of James' super secret navy knot and again win immunity. Ulong is heading back to tribal council, a place they are well acquainted with.

Day 15 and we see a tree in the Ulong camp that has carvings on it that makes it appear they are counting the days, but really it is their scorecard keeping track of how many challenges they have lost.

And the number one most ironic statement made by a redneck:

#1- I am going to be the first redneck to win the million dollars...

Steph talks to James trying to decide which way to vote, she speculates that it will be a 2-2 tie. James is sure that Ibey will receive the required votes to send him home, in fact so sure that instead of talking to BJ himself, he allows the summer footware to go talk to him.

Steph approaches BJ and is relieved to find out that he thinks it was James who voted for him at the last tribal council. She goes with the deception and swears on her grandmothers grave on her sons life that it wasn't her that voted for him.

At tribal council, Jiffy point blank asks James how come they suck so bad at the challenges.

James "I think that when we hear the word immunity we choke as bad as the Buffalo Bills when they lost 4 superbowls."

Jeff "But you haven't won any immunity challenges. Do you think you gave 100% today? I sat there and watched you and for the first 3-4 minutes all you did was try to fix your skirt. That's when you lost the challenge."

A few questions later he comes back to the redneck and nails him again.

Jeff "James, if you hold the same criteria that you were holding to Ibrehem at the last tribal council, do you think it's fair to vote somebody off based solely on their performances in challenges?"

James "Hell no, that only applys when I need a reason to vote for someone not vice versa. If that had been a shotgun instead of a cannon, and if them targets hadda been moving like a rabbit, then I sure would have put a hurting on that reward challenge. I also would have done much better at the immunity challenge if you would have let us keep our clothes at the beginning of the game."

Excuses aside, it is time to vote. Steph and James voted for Ibey, BJ and Ibey voted for James, so it is a tie. I'll say one thing for sure, Survivor Palau is going to make them folks at Pringles work overtime putting all these new trivia questions on the backs of them chips.

Steph and BJ get a chance to re-vote to try and break the tie, and when they did the summer footware decided to cut James loose, and he is knot going to be the first redneck to win the million dollars now.

In his final words James was incredulous that he was voted out, in his gut he didn't think it was his time to go. He can now join Lex in the "My gut failed me in Survivor" category.

Next time on Survivor, BJ catches a little fish, Tom catches a shark as the show returns to its normal evening of viewing.