Previously on Survivor:

Kate helps Jack to locate and identify Sayed Ali.

Palmer places Stanton under arrest, but he won't break. Palmer realizes he must go to extremes to make Stanton talk.

Kim hits her low point of the day, and the show hits the low point of it’s existence, when she encounters a cougar in the woods.

Sorry. That was previously on 24.

Previously on Survivor:

Willard was granted two confessionals so we would recognize him in case something happens to him this week.

Bobby Jon was openly mocked by the film editors.

In one of the coolest social experiments you could ever hope to see, Angie showed that even the goth chick can be turned into a bullying jock under the right circumstances.

Ulong continued to cement their role in Survivor history, and their place in the Survivor lexicon (“Man, the 49ers Ulonged so bad last year they should have just Ostened and gotten it over with.”) with yet another stunning challenge performance. At tribal council, when Probst said “The idiot tribe says what?” the entire Ulong tribe said “What?” Angie and Steph realized their error right away. Ibe and Bobby Jon got it a few minutes later. James, days later, is still asking “What does the idiot tribe say?”

Oh, and someone is getting voted out tonight. Good. I was worried this might be a non-elimination leg.

Cue opening credits and opening commercials.

Home Depot, where you can find the absolute best names in POWER! We can do it – they can help. A stripper for Old Spice deodorant. Arm and Hammer toothpaste, which you use by leaving an opened box of it in your mouth to absorb odors. The Ring 2, and you can put me in the apparently short line of people who said “That was it?” after watching The Ring. Which perhaps is now The Ring 1. And you should never answer the first ring anyway – it makes you look desperate. Course, the commercial says that The Ring 2 is better, scarier than the first. I just wish they would set their goals higher. L’Oreal wrinkle decreasing cream. Or wrinkle decreasing clear. I’m not sure. Fat old guys doing stuff for sleep medicine. (I’m a fat old guy – I can say it.) And the CBS movie Spring Break Shark Attack. I? Can hardly wait.

Back. Koror. It’s raining, but Gregg and Jenn are, as Coby puts it in confessional, pairing off. Coby says they are stupid if they think nobody thinks they are pairing off. Say, isn’t this the exact same confessional James gave two weeks ago about Jeff and Kim? That coupling sure worked out, didn’t it?

Still Koror. Tom asks Willard if he’s watching the fire. Willard’s in the hammock. Tom apparently never saw Survivor Amazon, or he would know that you never, ever, put the old guy in the tribe in charge of the fire. But Koror does, even though Willard appears to be talking in his sleep as Tom puts him in charge.

Over at Ulong, James and Bobby Jon have decided that they need to find a cave to stay out of the rain. In confessional, Bobby Jon admits that it was his idea, and that he has never really been lost in the wilderness. Well, there’s a first time for everything. Ulong is stumbling around in the dark in the jungle. Ibe, Steph, and Angie start to get a little upset about it. James tells Angie that no one is going to hurt and that it’s an adventure. Bobby Jon tells Angie not to get all down his throat about it. Strangely enough, Coby has often said the same thing. Angie thinks they should go back to camp. Steph criticizes her for that, then comes up with the wonderful idea that they should go back to camp. As Ulong huddles under their shelter, James exhorts them that they cannot quit, they cannot falter. He then starts saying something about the strawberries.

Sun comes up, it’s Tuesday morning. There’s a rainbow, though James says the clouds indicate that more rain will be coming. The mood at Ulong is lower than, well, than something that’s really low.

Back at Koror, things are so positive even the sea creatures are trying to join them on land. Tom is upset that he had to tend the fire all night because Willard fell asleep and didn’t do his fire duty. Tom says he had to climb over Willard in the hammock every time he had to tend to the fire. I don’t know why Tom was sleeping with Willard in the hammock. Tom and Gregg vent about Willard, Gregg saying that the longer you keep Willard around the more chances he has to screw with you. Well, maybe if you didn’t sleep in the hammock with him, that wouldn’t be a problem. Tom says something about imagining having to put up with that in the real world. Yeah, imagine having to put up with co-workers who don’t do their share and then turn around and grab all the glory from you. Tom’s right. That would never happen in the real world.

In confessional, Gregg says that since they keep winning immunity, people haven’t had to make alliances or play that part of the game. As a result, Willard has gotten a free ride in the game. The Mark Burnett future foreshadowing dial is turned all the way to nine.

And now we’re at the challenge. No tree mail, but if there had been, it would have gone something like this:

Ulong, you svck. By the way, both tribes are going to send someone home too. But more importantly, Ulong, you svck.

Jeff describes the challenge. The tribes will race out to a wreck, dive down, and try to recover Saki bottles. They get to the wreck by a raft tied to a pulley system. They are brought back the same way. The first tribe to get six bottles wins.

The reward? Dinner and a show. The dinner is beef stew and root beer (generics – apparently Dinty Moore and A&W were unwilling to cough up the appearance fee). The show is the other team’s tribal council. For although both teams will be going to tribal, the challenge winner gets to sit in on the challenge loser’s tribal. This makes this a much better reward for Koror than Ulong. After all, the Ulong Tribal Council Show has been running for 12 nights, playing to packed houses and getting good reviews. The Koror Tribal Council Show hasn’t even been playing off-Palau houses, and everyone knows only friends and family go to opening night.

The challenge starts, and something unusual happens. We’re at the point in the show where the opening segment should end and we go to commercial. But we don’t. We’re still in the challenge. Jenn and Steph go against each other first. Jenn gets the first Saki bottle, and Koror gets it to their dock first.

Gregg and Angie are the next grouping. Angie gets in the water first and gets her bottle first. For some reason, Koror has trouble getting the skiff back, and Ulong and Ibe are on their way back to the wreck. Except Ibe has taken swimming lessons from Osten, and he makes three dives without getting a bottle. James finally tells Ibe to get on the raft. They bring him back and Tom and Bobby Jon go out. Koror is now at three bottles, Ulong still at two. Tom gets his bottle and makes it right back. So does Bobby Jon.

Koror sends Ian out. Ulong sends James. But Ian is having trouble now. James gets a bottle, Ian goes to the surface empty handed. James brings his bottle back, and the teams are tied at four-four. Steph comes out and gets a bottle just as Ian finds one. The two skiffs are back quickly. Ian goes right back out, as does Steph. Ian dives right back to the spot where he was, gets a bottle and comes to the surface. So does Steph, but she’s slightly behind Ian. As a result, Koror wins reward again.

The plan? Koror goes to tribal first, votes someone out, then gets fed as Ulong goes to tribal and does the same. As we fade out, we’re finally back to commercials.

Buick. Aerosmith selling Buick. Lamisil, for people who have small animated figures living under their toe nails. Dennis Miller for Netzero telling us that he really doesn’t understand why more people don’t use Netzero. Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what I really don’t understand is why anyone would give this washed-up has been a gig when he’s got the sense of humor of a pet rock. But that’s just me – I could be wrong. Three guys at Friday’s more interested in the waiter carrying a food order than the hot chicks approaching their table. Wally World. The Incredibles on DVD and Video. Don't you love it at the end when the little kid on the tricycle says "That was totally wicked!"? Some sports tournament coming on CBS. March madsomething or other. Cold Cuts Files, CBS Sundays.

Back at Koror, Ian does the Elaine Benes dance. He’s got happy feet! He also sings! See, I told you Koror would be a poor choice for putting on a show. In confessional, Ian says that Ulong is really decimated and that tonight they’ll be a party in his mouth. Shouldn’t that be Coby’s confessional? Coby expresses the opinion that they should do their best not to say laugh or taunt when watching Ulong at tribal. Ian then sings about not having to go crabbing. Caryn looks pained. (Nothing new there, huh?) Coby calls him crazy.

Back at Ulong, James is complaining about Ibe. He says the manly thing to do would be for Ibe to have openly quit right away instead of trying three times to retrieve a bottle. Okay… Steph is openly hoping for a merge. Bobby Jon says everything happens for a reason. Ibe says he panicked and single-handedly lost the challenge. Bobby Jon promises to let him know what is up.

Shift to Koror. Willard is shown eating while Tom, Ian, Gregg, Jenn, and Katie are discussing the need to vote out Willard. Katie says it’s vital to have a tribe that stays strong until the merge. In confessional, Willard acknowledges that he’s toast. We then see him asking Coby if Coby can fit into his shorts. Insert your own joke here. He tells Coby that he has had a fun time and that he doesn’t regret going.

In confessional, Coby says that he doesn’t have the numbers to keep Willard. He adds that the only person that makes him mad is Katie. Coby doesn’t care how far he makes it in the game, as long as Katie goes before him. He’ll puke if she outlasts him. The Mark Burnett future foreshadowing dial is turned all the way up to ten.

We then see Gregg talking to Coby. He has a proposition. Again, insert your own joke. Gregg tells Coby that he knows he and Jenn are on the outside of the Tom, Ian, Katie alliance and that, if they vote out Caryn first, he and Jenn will switch to align with Coby and Janu when there are seven people left. Coby is intrigued. Gregg tells Coby he can get info from the majority alliance and try to control them. The Mark Burnett future foreshadowing dial is cranked up one more to eleven.

In confessional, Gregg says that he and Jenn have the luxury of deciding where they want to go. Gregg. Gregg, Gregg, Gregg. Haven’t you watched the show before? Never, ever, EVER say you’re in control. Christy, can you sign it for him?

We continue to the Koror tribal. No commercial break. The structure of this episode has been way off. Probst says they have a lot to cover. Katie says Tom is the challenge leader. Ian is the food leader. Tom says he had no intention of being a leader, but circumstances forced him to take charge. Coby says he is social, which could bite him in the end. Coby makes this too easy. He adds that he is just being me, and that if being a social butterfly costs him in the end, so be it. Gregg says there are natural bondings between people. Tom and Ian are like father and son. Coby and Janu get along great. Willard and Caryn get along great. Katie loves everyone. Gregg and Jenn have a strong bond like everyone else. Willard says he is perceived as one of the weaker players on the team. Gregg says that trust is about to kick in. This is one of the longest tribals I’ve seen aired, but man, they haven’t been here and they need to talk. But finally:

Now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

Willard votes first. Probst considers waiving the rule that prohibits a person from voting for themselves. Jenn votes. Gregg. Katie, who says something about Willard being crabby and bitter. You’d be crabby and bitter too if Tom kept crawling over you just to tend to the fire! Ian. Caryn. (The Survivor Live transcripts will later show that Caryn said Willard was too moody to live with for 39 days. Pot, meet kettle.) Tom. Janu. Coby.

Probst brings the votes back, the deed that’s been obvious all episode is done, and Willard has his torch snuffed. And not in the good way. As he parts, he tells Koror to stay strong, stick to the plan, and finish them off. Willard, I think Ulong’s doing a good enough job of finishing themselves out, thank you very much. Willard then walks into the jungle. He was supposed to turn left, went straight, and was never seen again. As we go to commercial, he says that he surprised himself by not being as strong as he expected himself to be. But it’s been many years since he has been in a situation where he was deprived of food, water, and sleep. Uhm, Willard. It’s called preparation. You should have looked into it.

Oh well, commercial time…PSYCHE! No commercial break. According to my DVR clock, we’re 40 minutes into the show and we’ve only had two breaks, and one of those was after the opening credits. CBS either wasn’t able to sell enough commercial time or they had too much to fit in. I opt for the latter.

So now it’s time for Ulong’s tribal council, a little ditty we’ll call “Bash Ibe”. As Ulong enters, Probst tells Koror to uncover the food. Beef stew, root beer, and biscuits. Several people can’t contain their excitement. Angie puts her head in her hands. And now it’s time for break.

Pringles with Survivor trivia. You know, I don’t want potato chips that have been written on. Radio Shack, with stuff to allow your entire family to tune each other out. Arm and Hammer cat litter, which you use by leaving an open box of it in the litter box to absorb odors. Survivor re-enactments. Now, this whole idea that you would re-enact a famous Survivor moment, tape it, and submit it to CBS to win a contest is a little creepy, if you ask me. I mean, how many re-enactments of Hatch rubbing against Sue Hawk do you think they’ll get? And won't one re-enactment of Kathy O whizzing on John's hand be one re-enactment too many? A local car commercial. Scotts Turf Builder. Ah, spring and a young advertisers mind turns to thoughts of seeding. Super Target. My minor media market local news, which is far inferior to Fester's major media market local news, which is still inferior to Landru’s much superior major-major media market local news which still pales in comparison to Joisey's super major-major media market local news. I wonder if I beat Goth's media market local news?

We’re back, at Koror is re-enacting the deli scene from When Harry Met Sally. Ulong has brought everything they have to tribal council – clothes, tools, food, the tree Bobby Jon chopped down but didn’t fall – to tribal in hopes of a merge. Probst cackles maniacally. “Merge?” he asks. “What is this ‘merge’ you speak of? I know of no such ‘merge’!” (Try saying that out loud, making quote marks with your fingers when you say merge. Oh, and when you finish, go “Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!”) Ulong, who have apparently been deluding themselves all day long that there will be a reprieve, almost imperceptibly slump.

Angie is hiding her face not to see the food. She is frustrated. She says winning would have been a boost to team morale. Steph says losing makes her sick, that it makes her sick to think they would be eating if not for one person.

James says they wanted it, that they were trying as hard as they could and that it was disappointing. James is always expressing the opinion that Ulong would have won except for some small thing. You know, like extreme svckitude? Ibe isn’t having any of it. He points out that he should be judge on his overall performance at Ulong, not on one challenge. It’s a good point, though at this stage there aren’t anymore obvious boots left, so someone who is a strong contributor is going to have to go.

Now also is the time on Survivor when we vote!

But wait! Probst has to tell us something.

Now, there are those that say Burnett rigs the game so that one tribe can’t fall too far behind. That a challenge will be thrown in that the tribe that is behind can’t possibly lose. But what happens next convinces me that, even if such a thing has happened in the past, it will not be happening here. What happens next convinces me that Burnett hates Ulong, hates them like the Lex hates Romber, hates them like Alex and Lynne hate Romber, hates them like Big Tom hates Romber, hates them like – well, you get the picture. Because what happens next is that Probst tells Koror there is one more part of their reward. They get to grant immunity to one Ulonger (Ulongian? Ulongite?). They don’t get to talk about it – they just vote.

Okay, this is really now the time on Survivor when we vote!

Koror goes up, casts their votes, then sit. Probst fetches and reads the votes. This will be obvious. Ibe is the person going, so Koror will vote unanimously for him to mess up Ulong.

Probst tells us that this is one of those rare times when you want to see your name on the parchment. Seven read votes later, the total is Angie – 1, Bobby Jon – 2, Stephanie – 2, and Ibe – 2. Koror is apparently much nicer than we ever thought. Course, James doesn’t think so right now. But he’s still too busy mumbling about the strawberry canister to notice. The final vote is pulled out, and Ibe gets immunity. Barely. Which means Koror is even nicer than we ever dreamed.

So now we’re ready for the actual – PSYCHE! It’s commercial time again. Six minutes after the last commercial break ended, it’s commercial time again. WTF?

Beauty Shop, and being from the makers of Barbershop doesn’t stop it from being a rip off of Barbershop. Coach K for GM, and did I mention Dook Sux? Another in a long line of idiotic AOL commercials, although we do hear the phrase Spammity Calamity! Home Depot, for when you’re stranded on a exotic island and you need to make an outhouse. Sarah Jessica Parker, who used to be a lot more attractive. She needs to leave the singing to Matthew. Robitussin, for ill Robots everywhere. The King of Queens. Spring Break Jump The Shark Attack, Sunday on CBS.

We’re back. Koror is sent back to camp, and it’s Ulong’s time to send someone packing.

So once again, now is the time on Survivor when we vote!

The failing five do their voting thing, and Probst does his tallying thing. Which Julie is really fond of. One vote Angie. One vote Bobby Jon. (Bobby Jon? Naw, just a fluke.) One vote James. Another vote for Bobby Jon. And the sixth person voted out of Survivor Palau is

Ooops. It’s another vote for Angie. We have a tie.

Angie and Bobby Jon are told they will sit out the vote since they are the people who are tied. Ibe, James, and Steph will revote. There are only two people they can vote for – Angie or Bobby Jon. You know, I liked it better when they broke ties by seeing who gets the short straw.

Now is the brak, brak, brak time on Survivor when, brak, brak, brak, we vote.

Brak.

James, Ibe, Steph. Steph takes the longest. Jeff’s back, and he’s reading votes. I’m waiting for the time he comes out, throws the vote container at a Survivor, and says “Here – you do it.” Angie once, Angie twice – sold to the tattooed woman in the first row!. Angie says something to Steph about rockin the ladies, something she could have easily said to James too, then makes her way out. Probst then tells Ulong that even though they are down to four tribe members, they are still a tribe and the good news is that they seem to believe it. Yeah, I didn’t get it either. And with that, we’re done.

Except for more commercials.

Budweiser Select. For those who want to drink something special, but don’t want to drink something good. Robots, which I’m still not seeing. You can read my AI summary for my reasons. Wally World. Chevy. Hmmm. What kind of car are we giving away this year? Dave. Tony Hawk on CSI Miami.

Next on Survivor. James is still berating Ibe. Koror is getting rained on. And Janu pays the price. That’s next Wednesday, because basketball is still going on.

Closing comments – Angie is never taking the little things in life for granted anymore. Yep, another Coby joke. And with that, we’re gone.

I'd just like to say that I thought this was one of the best Survivor episodes ever. In other words, to quote The Incredibles

"THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!"