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PLEASE NOTE: The Reality TV World Message Boards are filled with desperate
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"Advice needed"
Canada Girl 3340 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"
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09-17-02, 11:03 PM (EST)
 
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"Advice needed" |
Friends, I am at my wits end and I'm turning to you for some friendship advice.A very close girlfriend of mine got into a very bad relationship last winter. The guy is a crack head (literally) and dealer, with a history of abusing women, two children with different women that he he only sees inbetween drug binges, a criminal history and current court cases pending. Now, I love my friend and I was as supportive as possible during the relationship, encouraging her to consider other options, but not sticking my nose in too far. Her mother and another friend both gave her ultimatums: get rid of the guy or loose them. She chose the guy and I wanted her to have at least one friend to turn to when everything fell apart, which, of course it did. She has always known that I am not supportive of her dating him, but that she is what's important. Turned out he was cheating on her with his previous crackhead girlfriend. I should say that my friend, although having dabbled in drugs, does not leed a lifestyle that matches up with this creep. However, she is having unprotected sex with someone who is sleeping with a crackhead...do that math. So, they broke up in June and I encouraged her to start making some life changes to make her feel better about her self and make better future choices, as that is something she has really been wanting to do. She had STD tests, started councelling and got back into university. Well... she never really cut it off. Since then, she spends one to three weeks talking about how much better off she is and how life is only getting better. Then he calls her and she sleeps with him for a week or two, dumps him and the cycle continues. I have had enough. When she is with him she lies to me about who she is with, etc. etc. Now I am not in a position that I want anyone to be accountable to me in their relationship with someone else, but I have had it with this bulls***. No one wants their best friend lying about where she is and who she is with when they just call to say hello. And then, after she ditches him she will call me with a "confessional". So please, let me know if you have any thoughts about this situation. Please know that this is not one of those "I want help making my friend change" things. It isn't, she is 29 and she's a big girl. I've just had enough on my end.
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PepeLePew13 26135 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-17-02, 11:11 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: Advice needed" |
Yikes... a tough situation for you and you're showing that you're a real friend. However, IMHO, you've got to draw the line somewhere and tell her that BS-ing you isn't going to work any more and only serves to drive a greater wedge between you two.I've had to practice tough love with students of mine who couldn't get off drugs, so I've been there from a professional standpoint (but not so much from a friendship point of view). In my mind... dump the friend. A true friend wouldn't lie constantly like that to you. And by keeping her as a friend during the worst times may actually present some danger to you by dragging you into the middle one of these times -- what if the friend is visiting with you when the crackhead's friend decides to come and settle a debt or a score? You need to remove yourself from that possibility. Insist that your friend go into rehab and completely clean up her life. If she won't, then cut her loose. Protect yourself.  .....
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Mon Cherie 1813 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Herbal Healing Drugs Endorser"
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09-17-02, 11:18 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Advice needed" |
LAST EDITED ON 09-17-02 AT 11:20 PM (EST)I'm in a similar situation, CG, and it's really tough to decied what to do. My best friend is beautiful, smart, funny, guys absolutely love her. She has her master's degree and a great job, and a beautiful child from her first marriage. I was there when the abuse started in that relationship, and provided as much support as possible. Currently, she is on her second marriage, and is separated. Separated meaning they are living in two separate houses within blocks of each other, and taking turns on who spends the night where. He is overall a good guy. However, he has been diagnosed with borderline personality and refuses to be treated for it. Well, he does the absolute minumum to keep my friend on a string. He has been violent with her and she even had him arrested. When she asked for my advice, I told her that the welfare of her daughter should be the most important thing to her, and she is a good mom. But I find myself in a similar dilemma to yours: what do you do when your friend repeatedly asks for advice, then continues on the cycle they are on? She has lots of support from family and friends. So my behavior as of late as been to listen to her, offer support and advice (when asked), and just pray that she will come to her senses. I know my reply to your post may not quite be what you are looking for, but perhaps our board buddies can give us some insight.
Edited to add: my friend does the same thing with the lying and then the confessing when he hits or pushes her again.
*Hugs*
Mon
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.~ Helen Keller
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Red Lady 2010 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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09-17-02, 11:44 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Advice needed" |
Well, Canada Girl, for what is worth here is my personal experience. One of my good friends used me in this type of vicious friendship cycle. The issue was a guy...not drugs...but the guy was a loser nonetheless. She would go on and on about how in love they were, then the next time we talked, she would go on and on about what a loser and jerk the guy was! This cycle went on adnauseam until quite frankly I couldn't shift gears anymore! I finally told her that while I loved her as a friend, I could not continue listening to the same story of beginnings and endings over and over again. I requested that she not discuss the matter with me any longer. Tough love? Probably. Selfish on my part? Perhaps. But I do know that she respected my wishes and we never discussed her "soul mate" again. Unfortunately, our friendship chilled as a result...but I couldn't tolerate being around her "mate" (not after all the nasty complaints she told me about him!). The two of them are "happily married ever after" (cynic that I can be) since this summer. I was shocked to be invited! A mutual friend said, they just wanted another wedding gift! Lesson learned: I didn't need a "friend" like her! Regards, 
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SkyRaider 1301 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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09-18-02, 01:30 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: Advice needed" |
Two words: Dump her. She is 29 years old, she has made her choices in life, you don't need "friends" like her who will lie to you, her true friend. When you let her do that to you, then you are being used then too, as much as she is being used by him. In my profession, I could tell you more stories than you would ever want to hear of Users and the Used. They are very similar types and they don't change, either of them. Ever. Dump her.
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VampKira 4433 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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09-18-02, 01:34 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: Advice needed" |
Oh CG... my heart goes out to you... *HUG*I was in a VERY similar situation.. and I haven't read anyone elses posts to this... so forgive if I repeat what anyone else has said. I found that after being there... giving council, putting up with lies that didn't need to be told in the first place, worrying, wishing, ENABLING *sigh*, and constant apologies...... I finally had to tell that person that I DO love them very... VERY much... which is why I need to have some space from them for a while. Because when a friendship becomes a chore... ALL the time. When you have to figure out what are the lies, and what is the truth, and not to mention all the waiting for the other shoe to drop in between.... It became too much. When someone you love is being reckless with their lives, over and over, and you feel as if you have been the BEST friend you can be.... yet logic nor scare tatics, and yes... even all the support and forgiveness in the world doesn't work... you have to let go. *sigh* At least until your friend realizes one of two things: She either values you as a TRUE friend and won't put you through all the deception (because she is afraid you will dissaprove.. yet she KNOWS you will, or she would be honest in the first place) Or she will spare you the details that she KNOWS will hurt you and cause you to worry about her, out of her love for you. OR... (make that 3 things...lol) She is finally ready to take a long look at her distructive behaviour and make a change. CG... I wish only the BEST to come out of this situation for you. It sure is a toughie. If you need anything, I'm here for ya.... Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern we don't know how to break out of. No matter that it is a lack of a support system, or simply the absence of having a coping mechanism to deal with life's curves.... sometimes there is only so much we can do for our friends..... no matter how much our hearts tell us otherwise. *huge hugs* Vampy  Beware the Vampiress....
 
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SurvivinDawg 6816 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-18-02, 06:28 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Advice needed" |
My $0.02 worth:For me, a question like this is easy, because of my philosophy of life. In ANY purchase or dealings with other persons, be it buying bread in the supermarket, clothes at the store, a friendship, relationship, even a marriage... there must be a fair exchange of values for the "transaction" to work. If either side deems the exchange of values not to be worth doing, there should be no exchange. In your "friendship" with this woman, you are doing all the giving of suppport and love. In return, you are receiving lies and deception, and a constant merry-go-round of emotion. Basically, you're just becoming HER co-dependent. I would do what I saw someone above advise: tell your friend in no uncertain terms what you think of the situation between her and her boyfriend, and what you think of the situation between you and her. It might end the friendship; that might be the best thing. Anyways, please take what I've said in the philosophical sense and I hope it'll help some. 
Contradictions don't exist. If you are faced with a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong. -- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
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snoocharoo 1 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "American Cancer Society Spokesperson"
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09-18-02, 11:35 AM (EST)
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12. "RE: Advice needed" |
CG, sorry to sound crass, bitchy and heartless (all of which I am but I digress...)this kind of situation makes me really, really, angry. Your friend is going to wind up adomestic abuse statistic because she is weak and doesn't have enough self-respect to stop giving herself to a very dangerous and unhealthy man. She is slightly one rung up on the ladder from the abused wife who won't leave her husband after he bloodies her face and blackens her eye because " she loves him" and "maybe he'll change". NEWSFLASH! People don't change unless they want to. Your friend doesn't want to change her life for the better because in some strange twisted way she gets something from this guy. She is obviously ashamed of this relationship otherwise she wouldn't need to lie to you. So in a pathetic effort to make herself look good she is lying to you her close friend and to herself. She is not happy, her life is not getting better otherwise she would have told this creep to take a hike and stuck by her word. What is missing in her life that she gets from this man???? Once that question is answered then she can work on resolution, but she needs to acknowledge that this is 1. an unhealthy relationship 2. a potentially dangerous relationship 3. no one else will ever make her happy and fulfilled but her 4. true strength comes from within, admit to your fear, look it in the face and confront it. Your friend is needy, afraid to be alone and probably doesn't feel worthy of anything better than what she has. She is afraid, and that is okay so long as she admits it. If I were in your position I would confront her, I'd look her in the eyes and make her promise never to lie to me again, even if it something that you may not agree with, don't allow her to lie to you. Telling the truth is the first step, if she cannot lie and candy coat situtions she can't pretend everything is okay. Don't be the sympathetic, non-judgemental shoulder to cry on. You are her friend, you love and care for her and see things as they are. If you sympathize and don't comment you are enabling her. Don't do it. If she is wrong she is wrong and tell her loud and clear. When a friend is in a dangerous situation it is okay to be a butt-insky. Finally, keep this man AWAY from you and your family, if your friend can't abide by YOUR rules then unfortunately you must sever the ties. My friend, I wish you all the best of luck no matter how you decide to handle this. I hope that your friend will realize what a wonderful, caring, compassionate ally she has in you.  Snoocharoo
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Penelope Le Pew 2031 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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09-19-02, 09:35 AM (EST)
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15. "RE: Advice needed" |
I had a best friend ever since age of 6. She was always beautiful, and got all the attentions from male friends.One day, she got too many relationship (way too much like over 500 literally) that turned her into slut and tried some drugs, etc. Our friendship fade away because I was too boring to her. I was working hard, stayed away from drugs, no interesting friends like dealer, sluts, etc. One day, a male friend was so crazy over her for many years and finally got into relationship with my best friend. They fought and fought even while she was pregnant. He was on the edge and turned to me for advice as to what to do with her aggressive behaviour and I found out that she is indeed crackhead! I could not believe this because she was pregnant at that time. CAS (Children Aid Society) got into her because she has a little girl and involved police. Ever since, she had not spoken to me and I do not care anymore. I did this for the child's sake and kinda hoped she changed, nope, she never changes. They broke up and she returned to the abusive and crackhead boyfriend (father of her first child). That was about one or two years ago. Now, I saw her new email addy in the group emails, and she never bothers to email to say hi. I realize she is not my true friend anymore and I moved on. I had another good friend, she is attractive lady. Apparently, she got into an affair with my ex-husband. She begged for forgiveness which I did but very hard to trust her history of flirting all men (single, married, any status). Pepe does not like her and I realize that she is not worth my time. I dump her. 
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