TSI Episode 7: A Load of Bull
or Passing a Lot of GasHello readers, and welcome to another week of TSI. Before I go through the rankings, I would like to set your minds at ease by announcing that Station Manager Bubba of WRAL-TV has determined that “The Amazing Race” is not degrading to marriage and will continue to air the show (unlike CBS’s other summer reality show, “Cupid”). This means that I will be able to continue to provide you weekly installments of TSI, instead of having to switch to the SMSI (Station Manager Stupidity Index). You may applaud now.
* two people applaud*
I’d like to thank Mr. Bebo and my mom for that applause. Now, I’m going to dip into the old mailbag and answer some of the pressing questions.
Q: What is the scoring ratio for Ryans and Dicques?
A: I originally had planned for 50 Ryans to equal one Dicque. But, in the time honored tradition of “Love Cruise” and “Paradise Hotel”, it’s time to announce a rule change. There is no equivalent. From now on, teams will receive their overall ranking based on who racked up the fewest Ryans. If two teams are tied, then Dicques will be a deciding factor.
Q: Why don’t you assign more Dicques? You’re a lot stingier with them than Ryans.
A: I will always be stingier. After all, one stupid move can mean elimination, regardless of how intelligent/strategic/just plain old lucky teams were in other legs (or even in that leg).
Q: Why can’t you tell the difference between Dave & Jeff, or Tian & Jaree?
A: Because to do that, I would actually have to care.
Q: Do you know that you are just plain evil?
A: Awwww, you’re just saying that to suck up. *blushes*
Well, that’s enough for the mail. Let’s move on to the rankings. I’ll have last week’s overall ranking in parenthesis for each team. There has been some significant position changes this week. Yes, that’s partly due to the scoring philosophy referred to above, but hey, that’s the perk of being in charge.
1. Jon & Al (1) – This team went from last surviving team last week to second place this week. Did they do anything special? Nah. Did they screw up particularly? Nah. I can already hear some people wondering why they don’t get a Dicque for finding out about the upgrade for the 26-hour train ride. Here’s my answer: since all but one team – including the team that got eliminated – took advantage of the upgrade, there was no strategic advantage in the race.
This week: Nothing.
Overall: 12 Ryans, 4 Dicques
2. Millie & Chuck (2) – Millie the Moley Moley Moley Moley…MMMMMOOOOLLLE! and the Werewolf are doing a good job bringing the other teams together. Too bad it’s against them. While I wouldn’t reward the clowns for upgrading, I will mark down these two for not, since that meant that they a) didn’t take advantage of an opportunity to forge alliances (their one with the clowns appears to be gone) and b) saving $16 each to endure much worse conditions for 26 hours? There’s roughing it and being frugal, and then there’s wearing yourselves down. And odors and poor sleeping conditions can’t be helpful from a dermatological standpoint.
This week: 5 Ryans
Overall: 49 Ryans, 2 Dicques
3. Dave & Jeff (6) – The race leaders make the biggest jump, courtesy of the scoring change. But since this is the second straight leg they’ve managed to stay in the lead without use of the FF, it makes sense they are regarded more highly. And, in what is truly a sign of the apocalypse, I am compelled to award them a Dicque this week. During the mandatory rest period, they thought ahead and hired a cabbie, and then they called a hotel to find out details about train schedules while in transit. I almost fell off the sofa, since I’ve been waiting for the guys to start thinking, and here they were actually thinking ahead. What’s next, Phil’s manboobs will shrink? But they could not make it through a week unpunished, as they got lost again this week – a feature as common as Mr. Exposition Hands. But hey, the guys gave us an interesting euphemism this week, when one of them referring to his private parts as the “friendly family”.
This week: 5 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Overall: 66 Ryans, 1 Dicque
4. Reichen & Chip (3) – Informal poll of all straight women and gay men…is it just me, or did Reichen even look hot covered in mud? I didn’t think it was just me. Yet again, the Chipster showed why he’s an old woman trapped in a gay man’s body when he spent as much time shopping for taxis as he does shopping for shoes. And his efforts didn’t do any good, as they still ended up having to stop for gas along the way. But even though they were almost eliminated due to indecision, this team earns the other Dicque for the week for making a smart decision that ended up saving their team. They knew they got to the detour in last place, and they saw a team taking the slower option, so they realized that the best way to make up the time needed to survive was to choose the other option. Even with penalties for a wrong turn and going to the wrong farm, they made up enough time to stay in the race for another week.
This week: 30 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Overall: 77 Ryans, 3 Dicque
5. Kelly & Jon (7) – Men, if you’re wondering why some women are thinking that men are scum, I direct you to Jon as an explanation. The woman that he allegedly loves so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her wants to get up earlier during a race to avoid an uncomfortable situation. He moans and b!tches about it. Then, when they’re actually in the uncomfortable situation, and she asks him to help, what does he do? INSTAPOLL!
Does he…
a) Move behind her as requested and says something like, “I know I said this after the last train ride, but I’m really proud of how you’re handling these.”
b) Not move, but reassure her that if any of them step any closer, they’re going to have to answer to him.
c) Pinches her butt and laughs at her for getting upset.
Earlier in the race, I was telling Jon to run away from Bridezilla. I am now tempted to send Kelly a pair of running shoes with the message to get away from Mr. Sensitivity as quickly as she possibly can. I wonder how long after the race it took for him to plant himself on the couch, scratch his crotch, and belch loudly? Who am I kidding, he was doing that at the pit stop. And for those of you scoring at home, if Kelly were the one scratching, we would be talking about “cookies”, the second interesting euphemism we were given this week.
This week: 25 Ryans
Overall: 111 Ryans
6. Tian & Jaree (4) - Y’know, when I saw that Roadblock, I thought I would really pissed if they were eliminated, since the competition was biased against those with less upper arm strength (like women). But thank goodness, these two made such a completely boneheaded move later that ultimately led to their demise, so I didn’t have to feel bad. After all, feeling bad is something alien to someone as evil as I am. The bonehead move I am referring to, of course, is the Moment of Illiteracy at the Detour. The clue did not say “Ride an elephant or get some chickens and bike”…there was actually a task included. But of course, our rocket scientists did not remember that part until they were actually up on the elephant, which meant they had to spend considerable time getting off the elephant, completing the task, getting back on the elephant, and moving forward. The move can also be called the State Fair moment, since Jaree did her best Spoiled Rotten Kid On Too Much Sugar Thanks To Candied Apples and Funnel Cake and Taffy and Other Stuff, insisting to Mommy Tian that they get to ride the elephant, no matter what the other option. It's one thing to indulge the little brat when they're winning (or, IMHO, not in a freakin' race at all), but it's another when you're trying to avoid elimination and know you're at the back of the pack. And since they were still within eyeshot of Chip’n’Dale when they finally took off, they gave the boys hope.
This week: 70 Ryans
Overall: 119 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Bebo, Queen of the Backwoods and your American Idol PTTE co-champ
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