Previously on.......Survivor.........let’s see, what happened...oh yeah, now I remember (thanks for those convenient flashback scenes, after all it’s been a whole 4 days since this crap was on last, not to mention the 1st episode re-run of 2 nights ago).....so here we go, Scerri laid the foundation for being a “hall-of-fame quality” bitch...we found out that Kimmi is more annoying than Gilbert Godfrey (sp?)...Jeff Vermin is a pussy, but he’s really good at sitting around and ragging on everyone else...the Kuccha tribe spoke and decided that “Oedipus Rex” was not a desired storyline, so they off’d Debb “her son is good” Eaton.

BTW, did anyone catch Debb on the Early Show with Bryant “I’m Bryant Gumbill and you’re not” Gumbill? I’m not gonna point fingers (its Debb), but someone is in serious “you’re a man, baby” denial. And who the fucck taught her how to apply makeup????? That sh!t’s got more layers than a KitKat. I know she brought eyeliner to the Outback as her luxury item, but obviously she forgot to pack the manuel.

I’m such a bitch. Alright, on to....................Survivor II, Episode #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 85

After somehow getting separated from the rest of the tribe during Week 9's “56 mile run to the center of Australia while blindfolded” reward challenge, Scerri has finally come to terms with the fact that there is a real good possibility that NO ONE is going to find her. In fact, after 43 straight days of solitude, it is starting to look like maybe no one is even looking for her. Having eaten the last of her tortillas 6 days ago, Scerri’s food supply is limited to the 2 remaining sticks of Beef Jerky from the original stash of 12 that she “palmed” while searching Kel’s bag way back in Episode #2 (oh sorry, that was a SPOILER SPOILER). Scerri wonders what on Earth she could’ve done to alienate her to the point where CBS would rather leave her to die in the Outback than send out a simple search party??? Could it have been the time she falsely accused nice guy Kel of stealing food (Oh sh!t, sorry about that SPOILER SPOILER)? Or maybe it was the time in Episode #5 when she convinced the rest of her tribe that sweet and lovely Amber had smuggled yeast into the Outback and was hiding it on he person (I sure did go there). Or maybe it could’ve been after the merger when she “accidentally” stabbed Michael 46 times in the chest and face with his fishing spear in what she later claimed was a simple “fishing accident caused by a sudden shift in current”.

Okay, I think you get the point......I’ll move on....sorry.

DAY 4: KUCHA TRIBE

It’s early at Le Hotel Kucha, but it’s NEVER too early for Jeff Vermin to sit alone by some tree and do an interview where he bitches like a 10 year old girl. Today’s subject: Michael. Apparently, Michael had the nerve to get up before everyone else and start cooking breakfast for the tribe...I know what you’re thinking..”what an asshole.” Well, Vermin and Chyna (who looks like Ytossi on steroids) wait until Michael leaves and then its time to “Stir the pot”....here’s a sampling....”I’m not even hungry” and “Food should be a group decision” and “how does he expect me to eat, I haven’t even masterbated yet today.” So blah blah blah who cares ,they all eat the sh!t anyway and then give Mike the “there’s gonna be a lynchin” look. Then Mike takes the boat out and spends the afternoon spinning in circles (WEEEEE!!!) He also talked about a bunch of crap that basically amounts to “I better catch some fish or I’ll be the one who is CAST OUT” (get it? get it? Oh shut up.)

Now let’s check in with our cross town rivals, Ogakor High.

Kel, who is stupid (that’s some subtle foreshadowing for all you literary types out there), is also trying the whole “catch a fish, win a prize” anti-strategy. The rest of his tribe is trying the “lay around and do nothing until some sympathetic crew member sneaks you a power bar” strategy for survival. So, while Kel, who is stupid, is out fishing the rest of the gang goes swimming and gives birth to the DUH DUH DUH DUH.....first alliance of the show. The Ogakor alliance consists of Scerri, Marylyn , Tiny Tina, Kant-Kook-Keith (KKK for short), Bitchell (you’ll see why later), Colby and Amber. Their plan is to vote off every non-alliance member and then go from there. Unfortunately, the only one not in this alliance is Kel, who is stupid.

Bitchell makes the first of his many moronic statements when he sits in the water and states, “Based on the expertise that comes with being a 7' tall idiot, I can tell you with certainty that fish do not live in water.” Of course as he’s saying this a school of fish swim up to him and start rubbing against his legs...one of them even swims up his shorts (please please be a piranha).

Basically, the whole point is that there are plenty fo fish but Kel, who is stupid, is too stupid to catch any of them. Of course, no one else has even tried to fish besides Kel, who is stupid. but that’s besides the point. The mob is always right (oohh , more foreshadowing)

REWARD CHALLENGE

Oh my god, there’s a clue! Rodger, who is NOT stupid but likes to act like he is, figures out that based on the clue stating that they have to “jump off a cliff”, they are most likely going to have to jump off a cliff......Brilliant, he is. Take a wild guess which “survivor” can’t swim. I’m confused by this show cause when I think of a “survivor” I don’t picture someone who has to wear floaties to avoid drowning in your local Park District swimming pool.

So here we are at the cliff. 45 feet high! The water looks cold so Bitchell leans over the edge and dips his foot into the water to test it’s temp. The rules are stupid as ususal so here they are....jump off cliff, swim to box, swim with box over rapids, run with box on beach and place box on table. Got it, good. Just like the other day, this race is a blowout. BORING BORING! Even with a one man head start, Kuccha still got their collective ass kicked. You see, Rodger can’t swim so they lost....or maybe he CAN swim and he’s just...........the mole. Hmmm.

So Ogakor wins and Scerri jumps on top of the crate, strips off her bikini bottoms and pees all over her tribe mates, letting them know in no uncertain terms that SHE is the man of the house, so don’t fucck with her cause any one foolish enough to try it is gonna get more than the just a head full of p!ss. Rodger ended up making it all the way to the end of the course, but instantly dropped dead of a coronary the second he hit the beach....Scerri ran over and carved out his still-beating heart with a stick and then shoved it in Rodger’s mouth while laughing maniacally....and then she peed on him (damn, girl couldn’t you have gone while you were in the water like everyone else does)

DAY 5: OGAKOR HIGH

More issues with food and rice and dieting and I’m starting to think I’m watching an after-school TV special about eating disorders. So, apparently KKK can’t figure out how to make rice, of course only the broads are the one bitching about it...so Scerri takes the opportunity to rob KKK of his manhood by taking away the only thing in the whole wide world that he is good at, COOKING (wait a second, we just found out that he sucks at that too) So, while the “Spineless Sisters” Tina and Amber heel to the foot of their master, Scerri figures out the riddle that has plagued mankind for eons upon eons......Flour + Water = ??? And survey says.........TEX-MEX, baby! So, Scerri works the dough likes she’s back in Hollywood giving “casting couch handjobs” to two-bit producers...and the result is....Tortillas. Who cares???? And BTW, what the fucck kind of Survivor show is this, they get flour AND rice...sh!t, this show has more ingredients than “Ready, Set, Cook.”

Tina, who should’ve been voted off, feels bad for KKK. Scerri gets pissed because KKK is actually complimenting her on her tortillas.....the nerve of him. And, now back to Mike and the Kucha Kids.

Michael’s been thinking...this can’t be a good strategy for him. He’s obsessing about the fact that Rodger put the dreaded “leader” tag on him at the last TC. He doesn’t want to be the leader....but he does want to decide when they eat, go first in every competition, catch all the fish and say grace for the whole group. But remember, he doesn’t want to be the leader. So Mike catches a couple of fish, everyone gets excited...so of course Vermin runs over to the nearest tree to bitch about Michael:

Vermin: “When other people catch a fish, they just catch a fish. But, when Michael catches a fish there are trumpts blaring and angels singing and everyone has to sit around and hold his hand while he carves it up and just because a guy is a cheerleader does not mean that he’s gay..it just means that there is a 96% chance that in all likelihood he IS gay, but there’s always that 4% chance.”

What’s all this boolsh!t about “when other people catch a fish”? Last I counted, the only person who’s caught even ONE fish is Mike, so you oughta just shut the fucck up! YEAH!

And then comes the prayer. Mike comes up with some gay-ass prayer to Jesus about some stupid religious crap..and then he tries to hint to everybody that just cause he tries to do EVERYTHING that doesn’t mean he’s the leader. Well, of course his housemates are to stupid to understand this simple statement and totally misunderstand what he said. Kimmi even goes so far as to say that Michael’s believes that his ascent to the top of the Kucha hierarchy was Manifest Destiny.

AND NOW ON TO THE BIG SCANDAL OF THE SHOW

This is getting too long so I’ll be quick....Scerri lies and convinces everyone else that Kel, who is stupid, somehow has smuggled a Kraft’s Food Service truck into the outback and is holding out on the rest of Ogakor High. So Scerri orders the Spineless Sisters to go through all his sh!t. Of course they don’t find anything which means that he MUST be guilty. Kel comes back from his roadside buffet, and after he finished chewing the mouthful of Chex Trailmix, he confronted Scerri by offering up the weakest defense since Jason Sehorn in the Super Bowl.

You see, the problem with Kel is that he is a victim of the Military Industrial Complex’s evolution into the Electronic Age. Basically, what that means is that with the advent of precision laser guided smart missiles and total air supremacy coupled with the typical bombing saturation that precedes any ground assault, our American soldiers have become a bunch of pussies. Long gone are the days of storming the beach in a hail of bullets. Today’s war veteran has stories of running over surrendering towel heads with a Sherman tank or wrestling a sling shot from a sniper in Panama. The parking lot at Wal-Mart on a Satuday is more dangerous than most American military actions these days.

So, who cares....Kel, who is stupid, gets laughed at by Scerri and Bitchell and then he tries to convince his remaining tribemates to slit their wrists with his razors...girls on the left, boys on the right. These guys will do anything to avoid getting voted off.

Marylyn tells the young’uns to apologize to Kel for stealing his beef jerky, and Scerri says no and then laughs in her face....Marylyn then, for some unknown reason, does her best “Jim Carrey as the Grinch” impersonation...it was actually kind of scary.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Oh boy, Elisabethbeth just talked for the first time this episode...very anticlimactic. Guess what, they get to eat bugs. Not a good sign when a show is not even 2 years old yet and they are already recycling all the old stuff they did in the first one. Of course, Amaya is a vegetarian and there is no way that she is gonna compromise her values and go bobbing for pig’s feet. Oh wait, wrong show..that was Real World/ Road Rules Challenge..sorry. But, keeping with the RR/RW theme, Survivor brings out the wild & wacky “wheel of good stuff.” OF course, instead of Citra and Jeep products like on RR/RW, our survivors will be rewarded with cow brains and large insects. You know the rules, you spit it out you lose.

Mike and Marylyn eat a worm. KKK and Kimmi have to eat cow brains, but Kimmi won’t compromise her values just because she is on a game show....I can’t believe that just happened. So, Kimmi won’t do it and Kucccha is down by 1. Oh my god, Nick (yes he’s on this show) just talked for the first time since he got here. Kel and Elisabethbeth got to eat an apple. In retrospect, I’m glad Kel got the apple....a small moral victory for the fella. Now comes Tina and Mike..and they got to eat Cow stomach. Mike has no problem, but Tina jumps around while Vermin makes “puking noises” (class act)...and then Tina pukes up the cow’s stomach. She is DEFINITELY the mole.

In the tiebreaker, its Kimmi vs Tina and they have to eat a worm...Kimmi goes ahead and eats it while Tina forgets that in order to eat, you actually have to stick something into your mouth..Kuccha wins easily. Kimmi is named MVP of the mission and is allowed a free spin at the “wheel of good stuff”. The gang gets back on their respective RV’s where Julie grouses to anyone who will listen about her dilemma with BYU.

DAY 6: OGAKOR HIGH

Now on to the best part, when everyone plots against everyone else. Who is gonna go??? (It’s Kel, SPOILER SPOILER) Bitchell hates KKK, Colby hates Scerri, Marylyn hates Scerri, Kel, who is stupid, is gonna vote for Scerri and he says that Tina and Marylyn will do the same. Wait...maybe Kel isn’t going. Maybe there’s hope for our National Defense after all. I mean come on, EVERYONE is voting for Scerri, right? Right?

And then Scerri alienates herself even more by once again ripping on KKK’s cooking. Tina then admits that she should go because she is the mole. Of course, I bet you half my Blcokbuster late fees that she doesn’t vote for herself...lying bitch.

So, based on what everyone had to say about Scerri, its gotta be a blowout...so JP reads the votes, get ready to pack your bags you annoying bitch!!! And the winner is........by a score of 7-1......Cal, of course. Now I feel stupid.

At least I can take solace in the fact that we still get to listen to Cal’s final words, where he will tear into Scerri and her KGB cold-war tactics.....nope, he decided to lose with dignity, the nerve of him. Good riddance.

Next week: Scerri pisses off America some more and hopefully Elisabethbeth will actually get to talk so I can have some new material.

THE END