Has anyone seen this?!?! The weekly commentaries from last season's Bachelor are hilarious. The girl who writes them is starting it up again for the new Bachelor with Bob Guiney!

Here's one of my favorite write-ups from last season:

Should We Check It Out?
Rose Ceremony 6 (Spring 2003)

Envelope after envelope after envelope, three very eager bachelorettes were invited to forego their individual rooms and spend the night as a couple w/Andrew in ABC's fantasy suite.  "Should we check it out?" Andrew asked one by one.  As if it's not bad enough that Andrew spent the night with each of these girls -- although, while I'll never understand the debilitating power sex has over 20-something-year-old boys, I have enough life experience to know they lack the physical ability to keep their hands to themselves when a gorgeous girl throws herself at them -- he also used the same exact cool and casual "this is no big deal, please don't turn me down on national television" introduction to the evening.  He also told each of them in one way or another that she should not worry about his feelings for the other girls b/c he was having a wonderful time w/her. 

At the beginning of the show, Andrew appeared to be very nervous.  He lacked the cool arrogance of the last bachelor, Aaron, or the hammy center-stage personality of our only headlining bachelorette, Trista.  ABC chose him to be the star of this show b/c his family name and fortune would give the show a new twist -- instead of just watching the girls bat their eyelashes and claw each other's eyes out for love, viewers could watch the girls compete for a brand new life w/all the luxuries a name like Firestone can bring.  More than just an ordinary train wreck, Andrew Firestone promised viewers a fairy tale train wreck.  But given the very deliberate, practiced manner in which he related to the girls on camera at the beginning of the show, I never expected him to play the game like such an expert.  "None of these girls can walk away saying Andrew was cruel to them," a hysterical Liz commented after her Rose Ceremony elimination.  But even the stable girls had very complimentary parting comments. 

Equipped w/his newfound confidence and love of a game that rewards him for two-timing (in this case, three-timing) the girls he dates by fueling their jealousy and making them work harder for his affection, Andrew charmed his way into the bedroom of the fantasy suites in Park City, Utah w/Kirsten, Scottsdale, Arizona w/Jennifer, and Honolulu, Hawaii w/Tina.  While none of us know for sure what happened behind closed doors, Andrew made a makeshift curtain out of a sheet to give him some privacy to do whatever he was doing to Tina to make her moan in a way that makes me think she should have been a lot more upset about not getting a rose.

After the Rose Ceremony, Tina saved face big-time by not pressing Andrew on his decision and not crying during the private rejection limo scene.  She was cold during Andrew's "you're such a great girl, and I've enjoyed getting to know you" speech and, as my girl Dara commented, just wanted to get the hell out of there.  Who could blame her?  Rejection is not easy to take (so I hear), especially for Tina Fabulous, who I bet doesn't have a whole lot of experience in having boys reject her.  I give this girl a lot of credit for not telling him he made a mistake in response to his good-bye speech, (although, he obviously did -- what was he thinking keeping snot-faced Kirsten around but not Tina Fabulous?!), and keeping her composure in the limo.  Instead of bursting into tears the second she got into the limo like most of the girls, Tina very calmly told the cameras that going into her Hawaii date, she knew Kirsten and Jen had already won the remaining two roses, and she wanted to see if she could steal one of them away.  Then, Tina said something that just blew Beth away.  She said that Andrew made the right decision b/c she doesn't want to  be barefoot and pregnant on a vineyard in California.  The next reality TV show should be called, "Be Barefoot and Pregnant on a Vineyard in California."  The show would attract twice as many applicants as the Bachelor.

In any event, Tina's departure means we're left w/Jennifer and Kirsten at the final stage of the competition.  Or, as Dara put it, light vs. dark, good vs. evil.  Andrew could not have chosen two different girls.  Jennifer is a sweet, nice, smart, sociable, happy girl.  Kirsten is a snotty, classless, anti-social, conniving valley girl.  And she's from Tampa, which, according to Jenn Bitzer, is even worse than being from Jersey.  Girls from Jersey might have three-inch bangs, but at least they don't punctuate every sentence w/the word "like."  It's not just that she's stupid.  I've known plenty of stupid girls that were nice or fun or had some personality trait that qualified them to be my friend.  But as Jenn Elson commented last night, Kirsten has no redeeming quality to her.  When Tina revealed in a private moment that her biggest fear was getting her heart broken, Jenn Elson quipped in my favorite moment of the night, "Your biggest fear should be getting an STD, from Kirsten, b/c she has a ton of them."  Kirsten is just one of those girls that you think probably has an STD, and if she doesn't, you want her to have one. 

Jennifer, on the other hand is just too sweet and nice.  As Jenn Bitzer said last night, "She should get the ring just to make up for her bowling date."  It's true.  Kirsten got to go bobsledding, Tina got to go to Hawaii, and Jennifer had to go bowling, which for many girls would have ended their chances of advancing right then and there.  Jennifer was so embarrassingly bad at bowling, it would not have been that hard to imagine her blowing her chances by being frustrated and whiney.  There's a reason my high school boyfriend wouldn't play miniature golf w/me.  It's not fun to try to impress a boy and be bad at something.  I wasn't even that bad at miniature golf, but he was better than me and I hated it.  And trust me, he hated himself for ever suggesting we play miniature golf together.  Like Jennifer, I am also an awful bowler.  But unlike me, Jennifer smiled and laughed and smooched her way into having fun in a bowling alley, all the while impressing the heck out of our millionaire bachelor.