LAST EDITED ON 05-23-02 AT 03:39 AM (EST)You know, one of the hardest parts of writing a summary is coming up with a title. This is especially true for TAR’s craptacular season 2 finale. Many choices come to mind. Attention grabbers such as "Die Wil Die" "Shut UP Tara" "For the love of God, keep your shirt on Alex" and "Dude - she’s your SISTER!!" are all appropriate.
But ultimately, there’s really only one choice. I loved this show last time around. Now, the mere thought of these losers makes me want to hurl a brick through my TV. Let’s face it - this season has been unbearably long and the contestants are universally strange. So without further ado (don’t you think a week was ado enough?) here is the official summary for The Amazing Race Season 2 finale …and what a long strange trip it’s been.
Our finale begins at the Ardmore Airport in New Zealand. The three remaining teams are soaking up a little fun on the beach while they wait to depart. Tara and Wil enjoy a little make-out session on the sand – oops my bad - that was actually Blake and Paige reenacting From Here to Eternity.
At 1:03 a.m. Tail leaves the airport in search of Sir John Campbell’s tomb. At 1:06, 1:08, 1:13 and 1:27, Wil and/or Tara scream at each other. Gosh, I hope these two crazy kids can work it out - you can totally see the deep love they share.
Blaige and Chex leave at 3:30 and 3:58 respectively. Team Chex informs us gleefully that they are "gonna get cocky". Uh-huh. Cause they’ve been real unassuming thus far.
The teams learn their next destination is Maui - over 4500 miles away. On the way to the airport, Wil and Tara argue over who sucks more (tough call) and Paige rejoices that they won’t have to speak a foreign language anymore. She’s got a point, the language barrier in New Zealand must have been pretty daunting. In-breeding makes it easier to find a prom date but all that family lovin doesn’t do much for intellectual pursuits does it?
In a shocking, unprecedented development, the teams bunch up at the airport. In a new twist, Tail and Blaige don’t have to wait in line but Chex does. Chex tries to intimidate the other passengers in line to let them go first but it ain’t gonna happen.
Surprisingly enough, all the other people waiting in line don’t really care if Chex is in a race for a million dollars. Of course, in terms of the race, it doesn’t matter, but it’s uplifting to see them get berated nevertheless.
In another first, Tail and Chex get in some sort of altercation. I think it has something to do with Tara being a whore, Wil being an idiot and Alex being an assh*le.
"Let it be, let it be, let it be, oh let it be" Tara tells an irate Wil as he continues to babble to her about how Alex stole his milk money. I don’t know about you, but I was hoping Paul McCartney would show up and shove his fiancé’s artificial foot right up Tara’s bony ass for butchering his song like that.
You know I almost started developing tender feelings for Wil at this point. After all, he’s married to a shrew, and if you squint a little he sorta kinda looks like Steve Nash who I have a major crush on. I felt a fleeting surge of affection for the freak. Then I noticed he’s still wearing a skull cap that looks like my MeeMaw crocheted it in 1973.
Everyone is on the same flight. Alex and Tara make out while Wil reads a copy of "Angry Impotent Men and the Skanks who Cheat on Them" It’s the limited edition with a foreword by Robert Blake.
Once on the ground, all the teams reflect on how great it is to be back on American soil. Blake even announces that it smells like America. I like him better when he just shuts up and looks pretty.
All the teams are hightailing it out to some sugar mill ruins. Why is it that all the cab drivers on this show look like they are constipated? My guess: because they all have Wil up their ass.
Before we get any further into this summary, can I just note that on a show where I’m actually routing for the Brotherly Love duo, something is seriously wrong with the casting.
They all end up in a pineapple field (WTF?). Both Chex and Tail have trouble figuring out which side of the road to drive on. And these are the cream of the crop? Now we have Ugly and Stupid Americans. That’s what the good Old U.S.A. seems to stand for on this show.
Their goal at this destination is to find colored plastic pineapples. Again I must ask - WTF? They can walk to find 1 of 4 yellow pineapples or ride a bike to find 1 red one. All opt for walking. Actually Chris and Alex seem to be skipping - now that’s virile!
Tail finds it first, followed shortly by Chex. They’re off to the dock at McGregor port. Blaige falls about 5 minutes behind.
Once at the dock, the teams must take a boat 5 miles to a dormant volcano (did y’all pray that it would spring back to life? I know I did). Once there, they have to search for the mummified remains of Jack Lord. OK, not really - but that Hawaii 5-0 music was soooo cool!
Actually, all they had to do at this road block was snorkel out to a plastic yellow briefcase, open it and retrieve the clue. Before we critique Wil’s performance at this challenge - let’s take a moment to reflect on the swimsuit competition that preceded it.
Wil - worst body ever. How can a boy seem so puny and skinny and still have a gut?
Alex - needs the 18-hour support bikini bra top for his bulbous man boobs
Blake- ok - he’s got a yummy tummy but the Axl Rose bandanna is SOOO last millennium!
This was really one of the most painful things I have ever watched in my life. Wil could not open the stupid briefcase and Tara proceeded to belittle and emasculate him for the better part of a half an hour.
They got there first and left last! Blake did it in like 2 minutes. I guess Paige has the better boyfriend.
Time after time Wil tried. Time after time Wil failed. His lovely wife offered such words of support as "Don’t quit! You always quit! You suck! Die, you stupid loser! I hate you!" I felt like I was peeking into their bedroom or something. Ew Ew Ew! Forget Don Ho, meet Hawaii’s new good will ambassador "Dumb Ho."
Why is it that Wil and Alex both want Tara? Oh yeah - she’s got so many wonderful qualities such as a bad dye job, raggedy split ends, a hawk nose, a skinny ass and a voice that makes dogs run for cover - NICE!
OK - back to the whole race thing. They all must find a small church tucked away in the middle of nowhere. It’s in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Of course, none of the teams notice this because they are all far too busy calling each other morons. It’s good to see they’ve kept their perspectives!
Everyone has a lot of trouble finding this place. Chris finally opens his mouth to utter the words "Everything is a mile and half away in this country." Um, Dufus - you’re in America. The natives you talk down to are your fellow citizens, ok? And for some reason, Chex decides to stop and plow a field. Hello? Volcano gods? I’m still waiting for you to make the dormant volcano spring to life and engulf these losers in flames. Pretty please. If you want a virgin for sacrifice, I think Gary from Team Dork is available.
Oh yeah - these delusional guys actually say that getting lost in Hawaii is the first mistake they’ve made. I guess the dozen other times they got lost were on purpose.
Blake and Paige were the first team to the pit stop. Paige is growing on me - she’s goofy and sweet and the only remotely interesting person left in the race. They won a trip to London and Paris. Of course, Tail arrives on their heels and since Wil starts crying and Tara starts bitching, they give them the trip too. Great.
Well, we’re now truly in the homestretch. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m practically giddy with excitement. The final leg starts with the teams being sent to the birthplace of some Hawaiian queen. Her name has lots of vowels. She united lots of people. She’s an important cultural and historical figure. For more information, please watch the Hawaiian adventure episode of the Brady Bunch.
For this little excursion, the teams are given a dollar. It’s good to see that the budget and ratings for this show are dovetailing nicely. At the birthplace thingy, the teams learn they are heading to Anchorage Alaska and Rust’s Flying Service. Does that name inspire confidence or what?
The teams are once again bunched up at the Maui airport. They all do the usual song and dance with flights and mock tension. But then, Tara and Wil realize that they have lost the clue. Like they ever had one in the first place. This was beautiful. Tara totally threw the thing away and then screamed at Wil for being an idiot. She’s right - only an idiot would marry this witch.
They ask Blake and Paige to let them copy their clue. Blaige showed a lot of restraint and stopped short of rolling around on the floor and laughing at them. Nope, Team Blaige just snickered politely and suggested that maybe Wil shouldn’t have been so unpleasant all along.
Then, Tail begins to beg Chex for help. So let’s see. They are in a 3-way race for a million dollars and one of the teams has thrown away their clue. Hmmm, should Chex help them or should they enjoy their improved odds?
Wil threatens repeatedly to quit the race. I pray fervently that he will. But alas, it was not to be. The happy couple calls each other worthless a few dozen times. I hope they have Dr. Laura on speed dial because they are just painful. Honestly, I hit mute because it’s icky to listen to them.
So even though her boyfriend won’t help her and her husband in the race, Tara opts to swap spit with Alex in direct view of Wil. Tara, sweetie, the expression "get lei-d" refers to the decorative necklaces, not adultery! Wil is watching them make out and has stopped reading his book. Apparently, he’s now trying to reach O.J. to see if he’s available for some contract work.
Later on, Tara looks through a book on Hawaii and sees a name that looks familiar. No, not Dr. Love’s Communicable Disease Clinic. It’s good old Rust’s Flying Service. Tail is back in the race. Dammit.
Wil tries to hug Tara and she walks away. Informational book, 12.50; cab fare, $40. Wil’s embarrassment…priceless. Wil runs over to the other teams and tells them they are back in the race. I think he actually thought they would be happy for him. Bwahahahahah!!!!
The teams are on different flights out of Seattle. Blake and Paige fall behind. The teams are all en route to Trapper Creek with the help of the extras from Northern Exposure. I didn’t remember that pilot chick being so hairy.
Of course, Tail don’t know where they are headed. They only know to go to Rust’s Flying Service. That witty Wil instructs his pilot to "Follow that Plane" Isn’t that clever? Yawn.
So they get to Trapper Creek and discover igloos. An igloo in Alaska. I can hardly believe it. So they are all stuck spending the night in these things. Luckily, Team Guido is still wandering around and gives an impromptu fashion show in matching mucklucks.
The teams relax by the fire and reflect on the exciting, once-in-a-lifetime experience they’ve had on Amazing Race. They’ve all seemed to enjoy the camaraderie of their fellow contestants and congratulate one another on a game well played. Except for Tara. She spends her time explaining to Wil how she has carried his ass the whole way and how she would rather lose then let him win any money. Wil just sits there and takes it while the other teams look on. I don’t know which is smaller - Tara’s boobs or Will’s balls.
All the teams get to leave at 6:45 the next morning. They drive a snow cat across a frozen lake to reach their next clue. Tail is in first place, but because Tara drives so slow, Chex and Blaige both pass them. Tara started yelling here about something but I put her on mute again. Sorry.
The teams drive 4x4s to a general store type place fifty miles away. Once there, they pick up tools including a blow torch, propane tank and ice pick. Anyone else think it’s not a good idea to arm these guys?
Chex is in first. They are eating in the car and quite frankly, it’s disgusting. Is it really that hard to keep your mouth closed when you chew?
The teams have to drive about a hundred miles to a road block which involves retrieving a clue from a block of ice. Phil also looked pretty sexy during this scene. (Hey, I wrote it down in my notes - it’s important!)
FYI - this is another Road Block that Wil sucked at. Tara and Wil fought some more. Ho hum. Wil threatened to quit unless Tara would be nicer. Ho hum. Wil kills Tara. Oops, that was just a dream. Dammit.
Chex get the clue first (before anyone else even arrives). They must fly to Oakland and then travel to San Francisco - specifically the intersection of Broadway and Jones. Chex decides to go to Fairbanks rather than Anchorage thinking it’s closer. One of them (who can tell them apart) notes that "A lot of the other teams will go to Anchorage." Dude - there are only 2 other teams. You make Dumb and Dumber look like Nobel Prize winners.
Once again, Paige proves herself the only smart person left in the race by noting that Wil and Tara are both horrible, mean, pathetic little twits. I mean, the Guidos were evil and unpleasant and everything, but at least they liked each other. NO ONE likes Wil and Tara. At this point in the show I made a solemn vow to never watch television again if these two won.
Of course, I don’t have to sweat it that much since Wil is shown bragging that S.F. is his hometown and he can’t possibly lose there. Surely a separated couple traveling in their hometown would be unstoppable, right No Salt?
Blake and Paige think Chex is nuts to go to Fairbanks instead of Anchorage cause it’s a much smaller airport and it’s not any closer. Chex have their doubts about their decision. But since it’s an international airport, they think it will be ok. Once again, I feel compelled to point out to these tools that they are in America. Oakland is not an international destination nimrods!
At the Anchorage airport Wil takes up two lines so Blaige can’t get to the ticket counter. I hate him by the way. Meanwhile, Team Chex ends up taking a flight from Fairbanks to Anchorage and are on the same flight out of Alaska as the other two teams. I hope this is a lesson to them to not engage in any independent thinking from here on out. Tara however rewards Alex for his brilliant strategerie with a lap dance.
Wardrobe update: Blake is wearing blue tights with khaki shorts over them. He looks like Papa Smurf in a Gap commercial. For the third and final time W….T…F?
Wil is miffed that Tara isn’t acting like a team. He wants them to be united. Unfortunately, Tara has united with Alex in an altogether different way.
The teams arrive in Oakland. Blake says it’s all in fate’s hands now. Tara and Wil try to avoid the taxi line, but the cop won’t let them. Tara accuses him of doing it on purpose. Cop says he doesn’t care that they are in a race for a million dollars and walks away. Once again Team Tail’s charm and personality pays off.
Blake and Paige are in first, Chex in second. Wil tells the cab driver how to get there and offers him money to use his cell phone. There’s no traffic. Blake and Paige make an unnecessary stop and it costs them the lead.
Chris and Alex are in first as the teams head to the municipal pier on foot. There are lots of hills. Tail and Chex are in a dead heat. There are like fifty piers but only one municipal pier. Wil knows S.F. like the back of his hand, but he doesn’t know this.
All three teams are full-out running around the piers. Tara and Wil are the first to find the clue to the finish line at Fort Baker. Chex are in second. Blaige bringing up the rear.
All the teams have trouble finding taxis. Tara and Wil beg and offer people money to give up their cabs. No takers. Tara calls Wil an idiot again. Apparently, he can’t even breathe to her satisfaction. For someone who doesn’t want to win, Tara is surprisingly critical.
All the teams are in cabs. Chex is following Tail. It’s the strategy they have used this whole race. Leach on to someone else and then out muscle them.
Tail realize that Chex is following them and they can’t possibly win a foot race. Tara is still blaming Wil for everything. She is really a disgusting person.
Blake and Paige feel they are least 10 minutes behind. They aren’t going to give up but they are obviously discouraged.
Wil in his final brilliant move tries to fake out Chex. They purposefully go the wrong way hoping to lead Chex astray and then take off once Chex let their taxi go. All this manages to accomplish is letting Blaige back in the race. Wil’s covert tactics make Austin Powers look sophisticated.
Blake and Paige know they are out of it. Paige is almost crying but they are proud of themselves and grateful they got to see so many places.
Now we have reached the climactic moment that everyone kept alluding too. And it’s a freaking foot race between the chubby bouncers, the girlie man and the asthmatic. THIS is what we were waiting for?
Tara and Wil have a sizable lead. Unfortunately, Tara runs about as fast as that lady from the clapper commercials. She gives up and Chex passes her easily. They overtake Wil too and win the race to the cheers of…well, actually no one seems very happy about them winning.
Wil and Tara end the race just like they started it - yelling at each other. In fact, that’s the only good news to come out of this episode - Wil and Tara are splitting up. Tara runs over and sticks her tongue down the throat of reality television’s newest millionaire/DAW. Gosh, I hope those two crazy kids can work it out.
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