LAST EDITED ON 10-24-02 AT 09:44 AM (EST)EPISODE 4 - "Don't you need a personality to take a personality test?"
Note: If you want to know what happened last week, then read Sami's kick-ass summary. If you want to find out what happened this week, then read my kick-ass summary!
When this week's episode starts, I think I've made a huge mistake and taped the newest soap opera, "Hairbrushing Ho's" only to find out that I was actually watching Aaron's hopefuls practicing the everyday art form known as pimping...I mean primping. *Yawn* Let's get to the good stuff already!
What the hell is the significance of the deer in the opening scene? All I know is that where I live, we are talking about killing off a certian percentage of 'em because they are overtaking all the other animal's food source. <lightbulb on> In this episode, you get a rose if you survive a deer hunt in one piece. <lightbulb off> If anybody was wondering why this season was so boring, all you need to do is see the monterage of all the horney ho-bags heating thier heads of hair for like a hundred minutes. But at least we get to see our first taste of chick on chick action with Brooke smacking Haley's booty.
Chris calls all of this weeks losers into the living room for a suprise. After convincing them that they're not gonna be left in the woods for a game of 'The last four alive get a rose', he reminds them about the personality analysis they all took before the show started.
Chris: Ok ladies, you all remember the personality analysis you took before show, right?
Group: ummm, yeah?
Chris: Well, we designed the test to show us whose personality matched Aaron's personality the best.
Helene: I knew I should've left last week.
Brooke: The other girls say that I'm too young to have a personality.
Gwen: Shut up! You guys act like a bunch of step sisters or something.
Haley to Angela: What? Personality? What's that?
Chris: The bad thing is that none of y'all have a personality. The good thing is that niether does Aaron. Actually, Aaron had to draw straws to see who would be going on the individual dates. That's where it gets bad again...after seeing who his individual dates were, he asked for a 2 out of 3 deal. We had to tell him "No" because it didn't work for him the last time he tried it.
Heather: Crap! I knew I should've lied!
Chris tells the 1 non blondes that they will find out who's going on what dates when the date boxes start arriving. Duh, really? Now, this is the best part...Chris lets the girls know that he will be leaving and won't be back until the rose ceremony. Woohoo! The ladies find this to be the highlight of thier day!
Date Box #1-Rub her down or Rub her out?
The first box arrives and Heather finds it to be a heavy one. Hmmm? Maybe Christie killed a rabbit, stuffed it in Sami's anthrax-laced teddy, and slipped it in Heather's box. The girls all gather 'round drooling over the box hoping that they will be the first to have Aaron all to herself. The box opens, and they all gasp. The anticipation is killing me. <pun intended> As they reach in, I expect Heather to pull out a ragged, bloody mess of fur, only to be disappointed when a harmless scrubby sponge and massage oil come out instead. Heather is the un-lucky recipient of date box #1.
Aaron arrives muttering something about the personality test being rigged. He's also heard that Heather intends on testing out his pucker (no, not that one!) tonight, and he's rather scared! In the limo, Heather admits to never having had a real massage and can't wait for the matching robes. Aaron quickly spills the beans about forgoing the robe and doing the massage nekkie! Hey Aaron, is that your personality showing? They get into a helicopter and about make me sick with all this prince charming, hand holding crap. At least we get a shot of the sun so I can stare at it long enough to burn out my corneas.
They land in SB (Santa Barbara) where they are treated to a sensual massage. Heather blabs on and on about the heat and chemistry between them only to find out later that it was the massuesse that was making her so hot! What massage would be complete without a soak in the hot tub? Judging by the reaction to the scalding hot water, Aaron and Heather would've probably like to nix the burn tank this time around. Heather springs her plan into action by immediately nibbling, stroking, and straddling her prince charming only to have Aaron jump straight out of the jacuzzi and into the pool. Aaron sees absolutely no sparks, while Heather sees a house, a white picket fence, wife, mother, children, soccer team, blah, blah, blah. You know what I see? A goddamned rose, cling-on wench.
Meanwhile, back at Loser's Lodge, wait...wrong show. Back at the Cockoo's Castle, Gwen shows the viewing audience that she's Obsessive-Compulsive. After checking outside for Date box #2 every five minutes, she finally sees it. Well, it's been there all along, she's just blind.
Date Box #2 - Riding in huge vegetation with boys!
Date box #2 is a disgustingly sweet, satin covered, glass box addressed to Gwen. Inside is a glass slipper and a promise that fairy tales do come true. Gwen sweetheart, he's lying. My man told me the same thing, but I don't ever remember the fairy tale where the couple ended up living in the backwoods of the midwest where thier only friends have no teeth and thier only mode of transportation is on cinder blocks . Run, Gwen, run as fast as you can! Where did all that come from? Nevermind, on to the rest of the show. Gwen gets made into Cinderella while the evil step sisters look on! As she is gracefully walking down the stairs, Heather hopes that she'll take a face dive and break her pretty tiara. No such luck.
Aaron is dumbfounded when he sees Gwen all dolled up. The evil step sisters start b!tching because now they're stuck cleaning the castle. As Aaron knocks, Gwen shouts out that her Prince Charming is here, only to have Heather lunge at her. The ESS's (evil step sister's) stop her short of ripping Gwen's gown to shreds. A limo takes them to a massively lighted pumpkin. Before going into the ballroom, Aaron says that this is a gosh darn, fuzzy wuzzy perfect date. Isn't it everybodies? Ummm, no! My perfect date would be to skydive nekkie while being fed chocolate dipped strawberries. Maybe that's why I haven't been dating much. Oh, and the fact that my hubby probably wouldn't approve, he know's I don't like chocolate dipped strawberries! Heehee! Anyways, let's move on please!
Date Box #3 - High seas gives me the pukies!
Another Date box graces the Aaron-lover Abode. This time it's a group date for Brooke, Haley, and Angela. Helene proceeds to remind those of us that are stoopid that since this is the group date box, then the last one must be for her. Duh woman. Angela and Haley wonder if Aaron will be in the mood for some high-sea romance even if things get a bit barfy.
Date #2 - continued...
The remainder of the date includes talk of love at first site, what drives them, wanting to push the violinist into the fireplace, and Aaron secretly wishing that Gwen would let him wear the tiara for awhile. Aaron gets the nerve to ask Gwen, and she suprises him by playing along. She has one little stipulation, however. She states that the tiara goes with the gown. The fairy tale couple look exquisite with Gwen in a tailored dark suit, and Aaron in a flowing sky blue Naomi Cambell gown accessorized with a sparkling tiara.
The group gets thier Mojo on in the high seas. The girls start by stripping down to bikinis, drinking, and splashing around. Angela finally opens up, causing Aaron to laugh. Haley is as exciting as the anchor, and causes Aaron to nod his head and say 'um-hum' a bunch of times.
Date Box #4 - Grillin' with Helene!
The fourth, and last, date box arrives for Helene while the boring boaters are out getting high on Dramamine. Helene pulls out a huge white paper condom. Oh wait, that's a chef hat. Helene jokes that Aaron better be the one cooking since she can't, and Heather is putting together a spell so that Helene bursts into flames when she's on her date with Aaron. That'd get viewers, huh?
Date #3 - continued...
Meanwhile, back on S.S. Heave Ho, the girls try to make Aaron think badly of Helene. Note to girls: Helene is doing a pretty good job all by herself. The date ends without even sharing any heart to heart between Brooke and Aaron. Pretty boring date, but at least nobody got sick...that we saw.
Helene arrives at Aaron's love nest just in time to nag him about not being handy with a grill. He quips back, like a 2 year old. After barking orders on how she likes her meat, they sit down to some hot meat on a stick, with a side of b!tch. Aaron finds out that Helene is somewhat over her preschool attitude about wanting to leave if she doesn't get her way. She tells him that if she doesn't have fun, doesn't feel like she's gonna win, or finds out he's an ugly jerk, then she's leaving. After dinner, they get a reason to go hide in the bathroom and vomit: a slide show of baby pictures!
I must've slipped into a time warp, because right now I feel like I'm watching last year's Alex and Trista on thier final date. Aaron confides in Helene that he doesn't want to lead her on for fear of it biting him in the a$$ later on in the show. She wants him to know that she's not stupid or niave, he's looking at her like she's a freak, she's in this game to win even though it's 'not a game', he nods his head as usual, she threatens to leave tomorrow, he calls her a dork. Typical date conversation. Next is, you guessed it, the hot tub scene. Only this time, Aaron's bad habits are starting to ooze out. Helene demands to move away from the jet only to find out that Aaron is farting in the jacuzzi. In order to help her breathe, he moves in for some mouth to mouth.
Rechecking the spark-o-meter
Aaron is feeling the pressure of having to pick only four of the remaining six suckers. In confessional, he tells us that he secretly wished for the previously mentioned deer lottery. Ya know, set all the ladies loose in the yard, and let Aaron pick 'em off until he has 4 left. For some reason, ABC sees this as a bad thing. The ladies arrive doing the Monkees +2 walk into the villa before waiting single file for a hug from the bump on a log named Aaron.
While he is struck by Brookes red dress, he still refers to Heather as Texas. That's not a good sign for Texas...I mean, Heather. Aaron takes the wanna-be-wives out for some one on one time, starting with Texas.
Aaron & Texas- She is so sure that he's the one because he makes her heart go pitter patter. Aaron is worthy of taking home to Mom and Dad, but Aaron isn't buying into her BS. He compares her to Brooke, saying that Brooke is just laughing and acting like herself, while Heather is just trying to sell herself.
Aaron & Brooke- While Aaron and Brooke slip outside, the others start attacking her age. Funny, that's the topic of the couple's conversation as well. Mr. Suave assures her that she's safe...this week. Real smooth, Aaron! Once again, not too much on camera time with Brooke and her babysitter.
Aaron & Helene- She has plenty of questions for our bachelor. Do they really click, does he want a decoration wife, does he have time for her with all his other obligations, etc. He confides that every talk they have leaves him feeling battered and bruised. Take that as a sign buddy!
Aaron & Angela- This little talk was probably the best one. They joked about her dad wondering if this show was legal, being shipped to the middle east, consolation prizes, etc. He was very impressed. So was I, at least we now know that there is actually a contestant that goes with the name.
Aaron & Haley- He refers to her as an onion. That's not good, unless you're watching Shrek! She reassures us that if you come across as a bore, you'll be seen as a bore. If she doesn't get a rose, she won't need an ambulance. Whoopdeedoo!
Everybody's worst nightmare comes true when Chris suddenly shows up unannounced and uninvited. He breaks up the party so that he can have some of his own one on one time with Aaron. Once behind closed doors, they watch porn. Chris cleans up and leaves Aaron to smoke his cigarette, while he gives his tired speech to the last six losers.
The Rose Ceremony
Aaron sighs, gives his speech, sighs, and nervously looks over his choices. In his head he's thinking, "I have to meet these lady's families. I'm gonna pick the least wacko chicks and see where that gets me!" He finds them sitting there with sneaky, sh!t-eating grins.
His first rose goes to: Helene, who tries to be cute by playing the 'pause before you answer' game. What a dork! She accepts the rose.
The second rose goes to: Gwen, while Brooke has this evil, 'I'm gonna kill these hos if I don't get a rose' look. She accepts the rose.
Aaron's third choice is: A stunned Angela! Heather looks at her as if to say, 'B!tch!" Haley has a confused look on her face while Brooke looks totally worried. She accepts the rose.
Chris steps up and states the obvious: There is one last remainig rose. Can you say, "we passed first grade math, bozo!"
The recipient of Aaron's last love offering goes to: Brooke! She rolls her eyes in relief as she accepts the rose.
Haley's regrets are not kissing Aaron, and opening up to everybody except Aaron. A few tears, but nothing too emotional. Heather says what we all know...she's a loser! She even has to continue to bring up Brooke's age. Grow up, spazmo!
Brooke takes Aaron aside to tell him about her dad and wonders what he really thinks about it. Aaron, in one of his few cool moments, assures her that it's nothing to worry about. Now, if Brooke will listen to him and shut up about it. I mean, c'mon, her daddy gets as much air time as Jill's dead brother gets in TAR3.
Next week on The Bachelor:
Aaron gets it from every direction as he meets the remaining lady's families. The girls check out of the Sleaze Motel. 4 women and 3 roses, you do the math (or Chris could figure it out for you!)
--hopes everybody likes my summary. If you don't, then you must be on drugs!