LAST EDITED ON 04-21-02 AT 06:07 PM (EST)

We begin our episode with a quick rehash of last week?s episode blah blah blah. The six remaining teams are taking a mandatory rest period in Thailand?s Karen Village, where we are treated to a lovely shot of Tara groping Alex?s ass while he puts her in a choke hold.
(Me steal woman. Ugh!)

That?s followed by more exposition crap and Mr. Exposition Hands, who opens another envelope in front of that same damn ivy covered wall that follows them around the world. Then we see the amazing shot of the three route marker flags, with the three suns shining through them. I recall that Luke Skywalker was raised on a planet with two suns, but he never met a mutant worse than Wil.

At 8:55 p.m. Peaches and Scream leave the village, collect $180 bucks, and head for the Seven Spires temple in Chang Mai. Mary says it feels good to be in first place. And what a lead it is? Itchy and Scratchy depart at 8:56, followed by Blaige at 9:00, ChaChaCha at 9:08; Wilma departs at 9:22, and Chex at 9:23. Blake and Paige confess they like all the other teams, but say it?s better to work alone because they can focus on their thinking. Which takes a lot of focus, I would imagine.

Blake is wearing those same baggy green pants that nearly slipped off last week, while Paige is wearing all black and looks like a Maybelline Ninja. Wil has ditched the hat from hell, but is now wearing a shirt made from the VonTrapp Family curtains. Tara is going for the peasant look with a loose blouse that promises Alex easy entry. Danny has a blue shirt with a red star on it that reminds me of the Target logo and their damn insidious sponsorship of that other reality show.

So now we get into taxis. And drive around in the dark. And find a clue at the temple, and head for the airport. Stop me if you?ve seen these scenes before. Everyone?s headed for the tallest building in Hong Kong, which Phil points out is the Central Plaza. The really tall building. Really tall. Taller than all the others. Impossible to miss, I?d wager.

On the way to the temple we get a surreal moment when Danny and Oswald stop into police headquarters to get directions from an officer seated directly in front of an occupied jail cell. Although the faces are blurry, it appears to be Russel and the dancer from Rio. We also see ChaChaCha arrive at the temple as Twil is leaving, and the cheery Miami Nice calls out, "Hello, Honey!" and "Hey, Babe!" but Wil doesn?t answer. He?s racing inexplicably shoeless, and he?s angry. On the way to the temple Wil gave Tara little talking to, letting her know that it was "every team for themselves, right Tara?" She grudginly replies, "Right, Wil." The unspoken context: keep your hands off the other contestants, woman.

Constructa-Episode Scene 2a. Insert contestants A into airport B. Let them snarl, sneak around and fight with each other, then put them all on airplane C. Oswald and Danny use the Internet to book a flight, a brilliant idea that put them on the same plane anyway. Blake and Paige wander around the airport showing off their matching backpack banners, a Texas flag that says Team Mycoskie. I hope Mom labeled their underwear as well.

Dave books a 10:30 flight from Bangkok to Hong Kong. Blake manages one of the stupider moments of the game when he tells Gary about an 8:30 flight. Hey, Blake buddy, it?s a race, you moron. Do you think a two-hour lead might have helped?

Gary hears about Dave?s mistake, and calls his partner a fvcking idiot, and then later tells him "we have to know our strengths. From now on, I?ll talk to people. You can open the clues."

Tara and Wil bicker over the reservations, and she laments to the camera that Wil gets mad at her for every little thing, and that she gets along a lot better with Chris and Alex than she does with Wil.
Alex makes the (ludicrous) observation that Wil and Tara are their biggest opponent, and they plan to keep their enemies close. Then, while the producers show us a shot of Tara squirming on Alex?s lap, they add, "We?re gonna screw ?em when we can."
(When we can, in the can, cause we can. We men! We steal woman!)

While Alex and Tara get a cigarette, we get commercials.

Commercial Break
Verizon(hear me now?) / Visa / heartworm treatment / a 35-year-old woman gets carded buying Budweiser / Jeep Wrangler with a sex joke / Verizon again. A couple of CBS promos, and we?re back.

It?s 8:10, and our 12 idiots get off the plane and run through the airport and onto the next plane. We see 93 intercut shots, each .8 seconds long, and they add absolutely no value whatsoever. But each contestant has a prominent white nametag, which undoubtably helps them get on the next plane by 8:41. Up we go, down we go. And then they get off the plane in Hong Kong.
See Chex run.
See Blaige run.
Run, losers, run!
(On CBS, this passes for drama.)

Now it?s time to play with a train ticket machine, which computer geeks Gary and Dave master instantly, declaring themselves "Team Domination" as they head downtown on the first train. Gary and Dave meet Fern?s cousin on the train, and she promises to lead them to Central Plaza. Understandably, the other passengers cheer when the Dorks leave the train.

Team Peachy balks at paying $200 for a train ride, and miss three trains while fustering around and losing their maps. Things aren?t looking Peachy today. The sisters eventually get downtown, and instruct a cabbie to take them to "The Center." He asks if they mean Central Plaza, the tallest building in town, the really big tall building with the yellow and red flag and all those envelopes on the top floor. Peach tells him they want The Center, and don?t try to argue with us foreigners who?ve never been in the city before but obviously know more than you cause we?re American, dammit. Mary reiterates their need to get to "The Center" and off they go, on the Journey to the Center of the Earth, for all we know.

Some tips for TAR 3 contestants: 1) Read the clues. 2) Talk to the locals, who may be helpful. 3) Never fight with a cabbie before the trip is completed. 4) Read the clues again, jackass.

Gary and Dave are atop the Central Plaza, where they must look down and find the Green Star. Despite binoculars (and glasses nearly as thick), they can?t spot the Green Star ferry boat directly below them. The Dorks decide to go for the Fast Forward. Phil returns to describe the rules, blah blah (Mr. Exposition Hands and the ivy wall return), and the details of this Fast Forward, which involves finding fortune teller Amelia Chow in some obscure market beneath the Wong Tai Sin Temple. The pit stop is revealed as a Chinese junk in the harbor.

Cut to the Central Plaza elevator, where Blake mentions that they all smell funky, and Alex gropes Tara while Wil fumes. When the elevator reaches the top floor the Dorks are waiting to leave while Blaige, Chex and Twil are getting off the elevator. We see them all change places, and yet there are no cameramen on the elevator. Immediately we realize that was staged, probably several times, to get the cameras out of site.

While the stupid six peer down from the windows of Central Plaza, Danny and Oswald arrive outside. Danny-san gives us a little hokey Asian accent, and Canada Girl & Co. have to drink up.

Meanwhile, Peaches and Scream arrive at "The Center" and are informed they are in the wrong place. They should try the Central Plaza, the tallest building in the city, the one with the red and yellow flag on top you stupid American twits. They jump in a cab, and on the ride to the Central Plaza agree they must use the Fast Forward to stay in the race. At this point, elimination seems a sure thing.

Warning: Creepy moment ahead. Gary offers a little confession: "Using the Fast Forward is a little like losing your virginity. You can only use it once and you can never go back to it and that?s why we?re a little scared but also feeling giddy."

Gary, no doubt an expert on virginity, has learned what it?s like to lose it from other liars in his late night AOL chat room discussions. If these guys get the FF this week, he?ll try the virginity thing next. He can always steal Tara-ho for 3 minutes. Somehow, I?m not giddy. But I am scared.

The stupid six figure out the ferry clue, and meet Oswald, Danny, and (YES!) a sneaky crouching cameraman, coming out of the elevator. They head down to the street and run for the waterfront. After a brief look out the window, Oswald and Danny begin their own search for a fairy. Instead they meet the others at the dock. No one knows where Mary and Peach are, and they all seem relieved.

Boredom is setting in, now that we know who gets eliminated, but I vow to watch this damn episode to the end, just so I can write this damn summary. Note to realitybites: there?s a calendar in the Dorks cab that says it?s Jan. 22nd. There?s a Detour clue at the other end of the ferry ride (Whoa dude, it?s Mr. Hand!), and the stupid six all head off on a short walk to a hidden herbal tea shop. Team ChaChaCha opts for an 18-mile trip to the wishing tree, where they will write down a wish, tie it on, and then fling their balls into a tree.

As Mary and Peach begin their search for Amelia Chow, the Dorks find the fortuneteller. Dave?s fortune involves not trusting double-faced friends who will cheat you, and Gary?s palm-reading reveals that he is smart, but sometimes he thinks he?s too smart to listen to other people. They head for the pit stop, located on the largest, but not the only, piece of junk in the harbor.

Mary and Peach find Amelia 10 minutes after Gary and Dave, and walk away bitter, proclaiming the day "one mistake after the other." I?m ready for Phil to step in now, but there?s another half-hour of crap ahead, and we have to sell some damn fine products.

Commercial break
A Mitsubishi Eclipse commercial where some girl has an epileptic fit in the front seat while the driver laughs / McDonalds / Bayer?s Womens Aspirin / Letterman promo / Dodge / Verizon / an internet dating service / Toyota? and we?re back.

Here?s one for the freeze frame. The Maybelline Ninja?s fleece jacket vanishes when she turns a corner, and then a crouching cameraman offers a crotch shot as she trots toward him. This time it?s the Paiger who is having trouble keeping her pants on, and we get a glimpse of her white panties. (Gary, we?ll talk later on AOL.)

Mary and Peach abandon the pretense of going to the top of Central Plaza to look for the Green Star, and instead accost a hooker, who has no time for them, as she expects two American Dorks at any moment. Mary eventually find someone who directs them to the ferry. I?m think "penalty" before they get on the boat, then realize they are already weeks behind the others anyway. A penalty now puts them behind Team Guido.

Gary and Dave get to the floating checkpoint, and the gloating begins. "The other teams thought we were Two Stooges missing Moe, but now we got the mo?, the big mo? ? we got momentum."
This is known as junk-talkin.

Meanwhile, back at the herbalist?
Tara and Wil drink some concoction with 18 unrecognizable ingredients, and fail to vomit. Chex arrive and play a game of quarters, then chug the tea without blinking. These two have played drinking games before, I suspect. When they finish they run for a taxi and pantomime stepping on the gas. Speaking of drinking games? drink up!

Oswald and Danny whip their balls into a tree after Oswald wishes for love (aww) and Danny wishes for health. Money is easy to come by, says he.

Blaige arrives at the herbalist and drinks, and Paige offers this: "It was like totally going down bad?" Insert your own "going down bad" joke here. After this, Blaige finds a cabbie who can actually find the next location, and it?s Attack of the Texas Teeth. These two actually say "that makes us smile? that makes Team Smiley happy." Oooh, they are so cute. When do the dolls come out? (Well, Gary?s got that inflatable Paige already.)

Clue to the next location. Now, here in Joisey, we unnerstand about the HIT terminal at the waterfront. But when our Amazing Racers get there? no Tony Soprano, no Paulie Walnuts. Fugeddaboudit! These yo-yos have to move a big box with a big crane. Pull out your Roadblock clue, Mr. Exposition Hands!!

Climb a tall tower, work some levers? It?s a Tonka dream for big boy Chris, who nevertheless gets his ass kicked by "Bony," which is Wil?s term of endearment for his soon to be ex-wife. Tara was "nervous about this whole sich" and obsessed with dropping the thing and killing someone. Despite Wil?s bright orange vest, she misses. Wil gloats to Alex about how his wife beat Chris. Laugh while you can, Monkey Boy! Wil takes the clue envelope while staring at the others. You know he?s considering taking them all. Then, in a total break of character, he?s nice to Tara. Complimentary, even. As if this is supposed to redeem him. He?s still FrankenGuido to me.

Despite a lack of confidence, Danny manages to run the crane and move the container quickly and easily, then says he?s starting to feel very masculine. (Quick, get the Prada!)

Mary and Peach arrive at the herbalist, and ask for a shot of whiskey in their tea, which Mary drinks quickly but Peach can?t stomach. She says it tastes like castor oil and makes her want to vomit? which she promptly does. (Vomit = elimination, says Freud) Peach just wants to go home.

Commercial Break
Sears? great dog and sprinkler ad / energizer bunny / Ensure (bet they wish the Grannies were here) / Propel fitness water / Mitsubishi / Extra gum / some other reality show called survivor / other crap I?m not buying / Toyota.

When we come back, dewy and fresh Paige is beneath Blake, looking up with eager expectation. Blake hovers over her, but he?s having trouble with his equipment. His aim is terrible. He keeps thrusting downward, and bumping into the box, but not really connecting. Paige?s voice: "This is not a good situation. How long is this going to take him?" We see Blake fumble a little while longer, and then he connects. Paige squeals in delight. After 15 seconds of action the equipment withdraws to it?s previous state. Blake shouts to Paige that?s its over already, and they head for the pit stop.

Now it?s Constructa-Episode scene 3c: The Amazing Cab Race. Oswald to Danny: "We?re in trouble, girl." Off to the dock, where they each catch a sampan to the junk. Chex finishes second, Twil third. As night falls, ChaCha comes bouncing across the waves. Danny predicts their elimination and Oswald predicts "I?m going to throw up on Phil?s shoes today." They finish fourth, and fail to vomit.

Blake and Paige wander in after dark hoping they are not eliminated, and are surprised to hear they are fifth, and still in the race. A quick guess is about a four or five hour time difference.

Meanwhile, Mary and Peach have eliminated themselves. (Drink up, Canada Girl!) They?ve made an unscheduled pit stop (Corner Café, in the middle of the block) before resuming the hunt for a quick trip to Loser Island. They arrive at the container port and are mercifully given a clue directing them straight to the pit stop, where Phil has been pulling an all-nighter with an odd little Communist Asian man. Peaches and Scream are not surprised to be eliminated, and joke about the first-to-worst slide. Peach says she gave it her best, and that they?ll always have memories and blah blah blah.

More commercials, and you don?t care, except that disturbing Mitsubishi Epileptic is back.

On the next Amazing Race?

"Oswald and Danny take Hong Kong by storm?"
Shot of the boys riding a mall escalator, then leaving a store with a shopping bag.
"? baffling the other teams with their grace under fire."
Shot of all the teams near the waterfront, dressed for cool weather. Dave: Did you see how calm, cool, and collected ChaCha was?"

Cut to shot of Oswald and Danny with Hong Kong map? Oswald: "We?re more harmonious." Cut to a shot of them on a beach with a route marker and a canoe in the backround.

Cut to a shot of confused Blake and Paige on city street.
"And a tricky roadblock causes 2 teams to make a blunder down under." Shot of Blaige on rainy street, shot of Paige sitting on steps looking defeated, shot of Tara and Wil fighting on Sydney street (and Paige?s steps are nearby), shot of Tara and Wil arguing downtown somewhere, and Tara delivers the final line of the night, which I can?t top.

"Oh my God, you fvcked this whole thing up?"

TJ