Welcome to TSI, Episode 4: Does Father Know Best?

I still have laryngitis, and some of the comments from These Amazing Retards really had an interesting effect on my mood, so the scoring should be interesting this week.

I am awarding one, and only one, Dicque this week. In an episode loaded with poor attempts at wit and an overabundance of twits, I could only find one move even remotely worthy of rewarding this week. The Models and the Supremes were tied, and each had been told that they could catch a 12 o'clock train at the station. The Models took their tart old time getting there, per usual, while the Supremes hustled. When the Supremes got to the train station, they were rewarded with an earlier train. I also will reward them by giving a Dicque to Monica & Sheree for gaining an advantage by hustling and not just taking the clerk's word.

Now, on to the rankings (last week's ranking in parenthesis):

1. Jon & Al (1) - These guys stay in the lead because they didn't make any more mistakes this week. They're not doing anything spectacular, but they're not doing anything stupid, which is why they're tied for second in the race.
This week: Nothing
Overall: 2 Ryans, 3 Dicques

2. Millie & Chuck (2) - Chuck was slow changing the tires and got claustrophobic in an open car. I'm claustrophobic too, but not sympathetic here. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out which is my favorite M&C quote this week,"it's hard for me to be patient sometimes" or "it's hot and tight, not good timing I know". You make the call.
This week: 4 Ryans
Overall: 9 Ryans, 2 Dicques

3. Steve & Josh (3) - Yes, they're still ranked this high, even though they got eliminated, courtesy of the rocket scientists that make up the other teams. While stupid teams are eventually bitten by all of the bad karma they generate just by breathing, even the smarter teams can be tripped up by one fatal flaw. These guys made two errors during this leg of the race. The first one, taking a train to the Saltzburg train station instead of taxi all the way, cost them seats on the first flight. Their poor navigation of the French roads cost them the race. I will miss seeing Josh's Monkey Boy Orgasm Dance, like the one he did after winning the Fast Forward. Ok, I lied...I won't miss seeing that, since I'm still having nightmares from the first time.
This week: 55 Ryans
Overall: 70 Ryans, 2 Dicques

4. Monica & Sheree (8) - The only team to make a significant move in the rankings, courtesy of the Dicque they were awarded. And what were the first words out of their mouths in a confessional? Say it with me..."We're married to professional athletes..." Um, we know. Still, after a slow start in this race, they've been getting the job done.
This week: 2 Ryans, 1 Dicque
Overall: 73 Ryans, 2 Dicques

5. Steve & Dave (4) - Another week where the slow survive by not making mistakes. They keep finishing second to last - just barely surviving - because other teams fall on their swords. I keep wondering when these guys are going to run out of juice. But then I remind myself that the other teams still have loads of stupidity to show us, so I don't know if we can write them off yet. I gave them a minor penalty for the tire slash comment, since I bet they'd injure their knees trying to actually follow through on the threat.
This week: 1 Ryan
Overall: 11 Ryans, 1 Dicque

6. Tian & Jaree (5) - A scoring challenge here. Should they be penalized for going for the Fast Forward when they were in last place? They certainly shouldn't be rewarded, since they were only in last place because they let the other teams go ahead of them. And what about that move? Penalize them, or recognize that they were trying to avoid some serious ill will with the other teams? Since they think so much of themselves, I try not to waste my energy thinking of them, so I just gave them a couple of minor penalties just because I could.
This week: 2 Ryans
Overall: 14 Ryans, 1 Dicque

7. Reichen & Chip (6) - Sigh. I thought we went through this last week with these boys - Reading Is Fundamental. But we have not one, but two instances where these boys show that in a battle of wits, they'd be wasting all of their time preening in the dressing room. They don't check their plane tickets until they're on the plane, and then they realize they have the wrong class of seats. You think after that they'd be more careful, huh? No, they park in the wrong spot and go traipsing through the woods for a couple of miles before they realize they're lost and need to turn back. They keep dodging the bullet, but they've sure been popping off quite a few.

And now, a brief break from our scoring to tell a story. These guys aren't really named Reichen & Chip, their names are Bill & Ted. So how come they're called Reichen & Chip? Let's go in the Wayback Machine to a kindergarten class. Two cute little boys have been given little pieces of paper by their parents to help them remember their names, but of course they can't read them. The teacher puts on some Disney cartoons to entertain all of the little monsters, while she gets to know their names.

Teacher: What is your name?

Ted is frantic, since he can't find his piece of paper. Then he's distracted by the two little chipmunks on the cartoon.

Ted (singing): I'm Chip.

Teacher writes "Chip" in her book. Bill thinks that he'll tell the teacher his name is Dale, and starts to make a note to himself. Yeah, I know he can't read, work with me here.

Teacher: And what is your name?

Bill (mumbles): Not now, I'm writin'.

Teacher: Your name is Reichen? Is that spelled R-E-I-C-H-E-N?

Bill: Uh...yeah.

This week: 30 Ryans
Overall: 46 Ryans, 1 Dicque

8. Dave & Jeff (7) - Dumber and Dumberer again lived down to their previously established reputation. They tried to pick a fight with the pretty boys for feeling "priviledged" (uh, OK). And it wouldn't be an episode of TAR without these two directionally challenged getting lost, and again they did not disappoint. Just when I was getting worried they would actually make it from Point A to Point B as specified, they had trouble finding the box at the end of the Detour.
This week: 12 Ryans
Overall: 42 Ryans

9. Kelly & Jon (9) - What a match made in hell. Kelly proved why she never, ever got any votes in the Miss Congeniality contests throughout her life with her lovely comments about Millie's mole and the ATC's weight. She doesn't like cheerleader types? Well, too bad for her that I used to be one, so I'm going to dis her just cause I can. And puhleeze, Millie wouldn't share information with you? Could it have anything to do with your sparkling personality? And when I say sparkling, I mean in the same way that manhole covers spark when metal screeches over them. And the lame, lame, lame fakeout move on Millie & Chuck couldn't even fool Chuck. She's going to get too preoccupied with sticking it to the pretty folks who never let her sit with them at lunch. Hint, Kel - throwing spitballs at people makes them not want to sit with them. Loved it, loved it, loved it when she whined and whined about wanting to do the Roadblock...then whined and whined when she got her wish.

And to think I pitied Jon last week. Did he really say that women b!tch about orgasms? And that they're hard to come by? And that they're good for about a week afterwards? (sharpening pencil) Hmmm, where to start. Well, Jon, if you didn't have 'em that often, you'd b!tch too. And why are they hard to come by with you? Maybe Kelly is the one truly deserving of pity in this relationship.

Nah, you know who truly deserves the pity? The viewers forced to watch them.
This week: 21 Ryans
Overall: 69 Ryans (kinda fitting, huh?)

Next week: A model meltdown. I need to go buy more notepads.

Bebo, Mistress of the Painfully Obvious and your American Idol PTTE co-champ