In a week I’ve been waiting for since Survivor 7 began, the most Diva-challenged survivor ever was finally booted! I may be the only person in the world saying this, but good riddance! Take your skirt-wearing, self-hating, high-school-obsessed, bite-infested hairy ass off MY island, Rupert! Balboa Tribe
Darrah Johnson
I think I’ve finally figured out what the editors are trying to do with the Amazing Hidden Darrah. They are going for a sort of Greta Garbo thing with her. The less we see of her, the more mysterious and intriguing she becomes! Notice how this week, as we saw hints of her yellow bra beneath her top, the Internet was buzzing with discussion over this heretofore-unseen item of clothing, and what it might mean. (The truth is, she’s been wearing it all along, but that didn’t stop the buzz.) I fully expect her to retreat into a cave in the coming weeks, peering out occasionally, only to say: “I want to be alone!”
MIA Deduction: -25
Tijuana Bradley
This week Tijuana had the right to smile, as secret plotting took the target off her and placed it directly on to Rupert. In a deluded soon-to-be victim, her giggly little girl voice and demeanor were misplaced and ridiculous. But as a lucky sap plucked from the hangman’s noose, I’ll let her have her giddy fist-pumping moments. For now.
Christa Hastie
Once a Diva favorite, Christa continues her tumble into obscurity this week. Seen at tribal council in her baggy grey pirate pants, and walking in a dorky, slump-shouldered, stilted gait, Christa proves why she earned the nickname “Big Bird.”
Fashion Citation: -25
Jon Dalton
Jon earns fashion citations every week, and this week is no exception. Huddled on the beach with his buff wrapped around his jaw and head, and curly blonde hair poking out the front, Jon looked sort of like a Babushka with a case of the mumps. Later, as he stared at himself in the boat window (and remarked: “You know how much I like myself. Seeing how good I look right now is a great thing.”) he proved to have absolutely no sense of image self-awareness.
Nauseating Quote of the Week:
(LIL: “Simple things make me very excitable.”) JON: “I need to date women like you.”
Telling Quote of the Week:
“Promises, to me, can be broken about as easily as a fat woman on wicker furniture.” (Sounds to me like Jon has some experience doing fat women on his wicker sofa.)
Fashion Citation: -25
Best Quotes of Week Nine: 50
Rupert Boneham
Like a scene from a Shakespeare tragedy, Rupert huddled in the dark, thunder clapping in the background, and muttered: “I’m the best damn Survivor that has ever been. I am it!” (It was that exact moment that I knew he was done for.) Later, as a fall in the reward challenge forced the censors to blur his exposed genitals (and Jeff to remark: “I saw way too much of Rupert on that”) I remembered why we should rejoice that this image-challenged Diva-deficient loser was finally booted.
Pride Goeth Before a Fall Quote of the Week:
“I try to guide everything that goes on on my island.”
Psychotherapy Candidate Quote of the Week:
“I want so badly to be accepted, and I never get the acceptance that I want. I don’t fit. So much for my dreams.”
Fashion Citation for Overexposure: -25
Drama Queen Deduction: -25
Sandra Diaz-Twine
As she huddled in the bushes, in her filthy peach ensemble, and tried to decipher Jon and Burton’s plotting, Sandra took a Diva-dive, from ‘in-charge feisty Latina’ to ‘wacky paranoid out-of-touch Loser.’ Later, as she sat at Tribal Council (in her buff-headband, with her fluffy hair framing her face) she commented: “We’d be ass out, if it wasn’t for Rupert. Ass out.” (Next week, expect to see Sandra ass out, viewers. Ass out.)
Gladys Kravitz Quotes of the Week:
(To Rupert.) “I heard Burton and Jon talking in the bushes.”
(About Jon.) “He has this secret spot where he takes an additional nap.”
Burton Roberts
This week the ladies (and the gay men) were treated to the sight of Burton’s ever-lowering shorts, which are now so low that they reveal his yummy hip-flexors, as well as the top of his pubic area. In an era where lower is better, Burton is on fashions cutting edge. (Any lower and the censor will have to work overtime.) Also, his decisive (and risky) choice to turn the tables on Rupert could very well win him the game. For that he earns Diva of the Week.
Diva Points for ‘How Low Can He Go?’: 25
Balboa Tribe Diva of the Week: 50
Lillian Morris
I, for one, was embarrassed for Lillian several times in this episode. The first time came when she tripped during the reward challenge, falling face-first into the rope netting (causing Jeff to comment: “Lil takes a face plant!”) Later, she looked like a complete wreck as she cried to Jon over he guilt about Rupert (referring to herself as “a b!tch” and “scum.”) Finally, as she stood on the deck of the boat, her skirt slit to reveal her thigh, swinging a rope dominatrix-style and shouting: “I am the scoutmaster,” Lil reached the lowest point so far on the series. (And from my standpoint, that’s saying a lot.)
Drama Queen Deduction: -25
Fashion Citation for Dominatrix Grandma: -25
The Jury
Ryan Opray
Ryan entered the tribal council clean-shaven, and wearing a nondescript white T-shirt, brown jeans, and brown tennis shoes. This may be one of the rare occasions when the survivor actually was more attractive while still in the game. Grow that beard out again, Ryan, and take off some clothes. Then we’ll talk.
Summary
Tijuana remains in the lead with 225 points; Sandra maintains second place with 150; Christa falls to third with 125; rising Diva Burton finds himself tied for third, also with 125; and with Rupert out of contention, underexposed Darrah claims last place with –150.
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please check out his website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/
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