LAST EDITED ON 11-21-03 AT 05:53 PM (EST)

Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 7.2 - "Kiss and Make Up, but Hug with a Knife in your Hand."

Edited to fix typos and grammatical errors, and to throw a little bit more wood on the fire.

Previously On Survivor:

Jeffy gives us the quick rundown: Morgan and Drake were surprised by another "big twist" -- welcome back the Outcasts! And surprise again, the hated ones dig out and untie a victory escape out of purgatory. One-eyed Osten decides to quit, and in another surprise twist, they vote Shawn out instead of Jon.

Tonight, the Outcasts have a reverse Tribal Council, and we’ll find out which two tribal rejects will be voted back into the game. I’ve gotten so many twists and turns already that I feel like a wrung out RAg. Cue the OO-WE-OO-WE music with equal grimacing, smiling and hard-at-competition shots of our friendly Survivor family.

Comercial break: Life-Wise stuff for Radio Shack w/o The Shaq. Cat In the Hat. Godfather music, and a walk in the park brought to you by the DeBeers, your friendly Diamond Monopoly and their slave mines. State Farm friendly neighborliness (as long as you don't make any claims). Wendy’s scientifically-researched chicken strips. Promos for JAG, and behind the headlines for The Elizabeth Smart Story. A totally national ad segment.

Jeffy rattles off the Outcasts, reminding us of all the "new" stuff and smiles at Tribal Council. Skinny Ryan S. hand signs "Go Longhorns" and has a "DIE JERKS" bandana on his skinny head. Burton has a much more team-oriented "OUTCASTS." They all get a turn to make a speech to persuade the others to vote them in. Nicole first: "I should go back in because working on my tan at Looser Lodge is getting boring. See my tan lines?" Jeffy gives a polite "Well said." Lillian says something about working hard and wanting another merit badge. Trish remembers why she was here playing the game, so she hasn’t totally lost her head. But surprisingly she still can't manage to sound sincere. Michelle, the pretty little girl, curses to reinforce her fortitude to win it for the new mini-tribers. Ryan tells everybody what they know about him; it’s not that good, actually, Ryan. Well to be totally honest, I couldn’t understand what he was saying most of that speech anyway. Burton is serious and promises to never lie to the one who comes back into the game with him.

And they vote. Ryan and Lillian have a son-daughter type of thing going on. Or maybe it's merely that no other Morgan would talk to either of them. But Trish proves her head is not always in the game since she can’t spell Burton’s name correctly. It may be time to start talking about everyone’s individualized necklaces and pendants. Nicole votes silently. Michelle says something nice about Nicole: she’s "one bad b!tch, so go out and get them!"

What if the voting ended up 2-2-2-2-2-2? Burton and Lil off to an early lead, Ryan and Nicole catch up and match ‘em. And applause, Burton is in. And surprise twist, Lillian has a heart attack as she confirms her belief that "I am a nice person." Until later, when she realizes that she needs God’s help because she’s going back to Morgan. (Evil Laugh.)

Commercial break: Saturn cars and a clown race! Are we having fun yet? They only crammed 4 clowns into it though; there should have been 10 or so. Two Towers Lord of the Rings on DVD. And a Laugh-In style body belly painting for Zelnorm. (I want a job making up these marketing names.) It’s for flatulence, idigestion, puffyness or painful pregnancies or something like that. Pizza Hut’s new freaky pizza-type creation. Pier 1 with a giggly Kirsty Alley. (Which means we are going to get treated to another plate challange and cheesy "pirate ritz" stuff again. CBS Promos: CSI and Without a Trace for tonight, then 48 Hours. All national again.

Drake, Night 19. "It was a dark and stormy night," goes MB’s script. It must've been a fast developing one, since Tribal Council weather was calm and dry. They don’t want Burton, maybe Lill. Sandra’s doing a “who’s the biggest threat" equation in her head, I suppose, but she's just overheating her little neurons in that Chairman Mao getup of hers. Burton returns in a huge thunderstorm and wakes everyone up. They’re sleeping through that? Must be their full bellies. Suddenly Drake welcomes Burton, everyone laughs. Burton eats some cold rice and beans (they should have Popeye's as a sponsor), and they sit around the campfire singing happy apologies to Simon and Garfunkle’s "Bridge Over Troubled Waters." (Of course this is when the hurricane came through the islands during filming.) Rupert says Drake "traded up" and he gets his skirt "all pumped up."

Burton muses whether they’re kissing his arse or not. And the man who promised never to lie again says "that in the end, it’s a game about deceit." This guy does more flip-flops than Howard Dean.

Morgan, Night 19. Andrew and a nodding-off Tijuana go welcome their new member. Heck, it’s Lillian! She brought housewarming gifts. Well, more like shackwarming ones -- the soggy paper bag with the wine bottle, and some other scraps. "Apologies, adapting," Andrew mumblingly takes charge of his tribe. Lil’s not buying it. She either picked up Osten’s old poncho, or was given a new one by MB.

Drake, Day 20. Rupert’s now wearing his shawl; there must be a chill after all that rain. But once again, he does seem to pull it off quite fetchingly. He pulls Burton aside and does more of his "look me in the eye" honest-talk stuff. He explains that his feelings were hurt by the personification of all the nasty jocks and bullies who terrorized his "fat little terrified kid" persona who was picked on all through school which he keeps inside. When he finished school, he had learned how not to speak in runon sentences, but now he’s regressed a little. Outside, he protrays a big strong guy. They both surrender, or maybe just show that for now, no one’s hands hold a knife. Ahh, how sweet, they’ve kisssed and made up. Well at least they spared us the tongue. And now they will make Jon their dartboard.

Morgan, Day 20. Pelican Pete decides not to land, proving once again that Darwin put the wrong species at the top of the food chain. Lillian’s doing boyscout stuff, defining her as one of the few Morgan’s ever to do work. She says "The Morgan tribe needs some help. Some serious help. … They have no energy." Andrew is still obsessing about how he can’t vote Lillian off (he’s already assumed they’re gonna lose the challenge if there's no merge). They stand guard over the pathetic smoke signal fire.

Commercial break: Walmart. Citicorp with dub-ins re ID theft. Who stole RynO’s identity? Promos: let’s return Back to Mayberry. Maybe Morgan can whistle up some fish. Joan of Arcadia. Yes Dear. Can’t CBS sell more commercials? Local promo! The local news team. Time for the local ads -- a Home Loan company. A wise cowboy leaning against his western-looking CPA office tells us the Angus beef he used to embezzle, er rustle, he now gets from Safeway.

Are those swimming birds? Or a pool of big fish? Which tribe are we visiting? No graphics ... Ah, Drake. They find some citrus -- a lemon or tangerine. Christa makes the first of many faces to come. I’ll have a twist of that in my water, thank you. This is the “I just ate a really sour something” one. Burton, Christa and Rupert go off to hunt fruit. Yeah it takes three people to track and fell the elusive orange, or coconut. They leave expendable Sandra behind so Jon doesn’t go paranoid. Rupert almost laughs a pirate laugh at that, "He should be paranoid." They talk about Jon’s duplicity. Christa makes a really good "Duh" face combination of attention and acknowledgement. Then it’s Burton’s turn for an "I’m thinking hard" face. Some talk about Jon or whoever at Morgan being the cross-over disloyal one. As far as I can figure, Burton hasn't told them that Lill is back at Morgan. And I still haven’t mentioned the necklaces.

Back at Morgan, they’re cooking the last measly bit of their rice. Then it’s off to Challenge, without even any sea-mail. And I was so looking forward to writing a wisecracking poem! Sandra boasts that "There is no food issue," in response to a smirking Jeffy question. She rattles off a six-course menu they had that day, and even forgot about the citrus. Andrew shakes his head in sorrow. Morgan explains that they’re down to gnawing tree bark.

"Drop your buffs!" smiles Jeffy. It’s a good thing none of the girls wore theirs as tube tops. Do you think they had some warning? Everyone smells their fresh laundry. Jeffy blah blah blahs with the usual speil about merge and individual immunity. And Drake is new home beach. Who decided that? Even Jeffy has a necklace. Hey, please welcome, leftover from Halloween, the new immunity swashbuckler’s belt with sword and a little pistol. Well, at least they didn’t add the plastic hand-hook.

Jeffy explains more about the traditional pirate keelhauling adventure. They’ve got five little docks pretending to be ships with holes in the middle, for when the weaker ones can’t hold their breath all the way as they pull themselves along underwater. Two laps constitute the first heat. Top two finishers advance. Christa the Amazon woman may have a chance against Jon and Rupert. Sandra just got wet, and no, it wasn’t from watching Burton run. Rupert wins and then Jon barely beats Christa. Second heat: RhynO and Burton win easily.

Final round is five laps and you’ve got to move hanging medallions from back post to front post of their "ships." Interesting techniques are in play: (1) to dive or jump in; (2) to pull along the rope facing up or facing down, Burton I think goes through the rungs of the ladder that helps them climb back up. Jon tuckers out. I'm surprised nobody fell through the hole or over the side during the competition. Burton wins over Rupert by about one-third of a second. Does anybody ever run or swim into a cameraman during these things?

MB has to feed these way-behind nutrituionally deficient ex-Morgan’s for there to be any chance of a fair end game. They get a feast waiting back at camp, which turns out to be old Drake. Who decided that? Andrew awaits his last supper, getting a really nasty evil eye from Lillian on the boatride.

Commercial break: Tampax at school doing the gum joke. "I hope you brought enough for everyone one." "Enough for the girls." Another movie ad -- The Missing. Home Depot inspiring us to do it on our own. Smile, cheese cubes with little plastic swords in them! A Survivor-themed ad for AT&T. Toys R Us with cute kids and talking Jerry giraffe and reindeer. Promos for CSI, Elizabeth Smart again (since many of the Friends watchers have switched over to the show by now).

Return to Balboa camp. Who decided that, and when? Rupert’s happy the new tribe has the same name as his snake. Yummy-looking feast: ribs, lamb, bread, oranges, melons, grapes, nuts, wine and goblets. At least the wine has corks this time. Cue obligatory burp near the end of the scene. Obviously, MB has decided that drunk and well-fed makes for better reality TV. After this bacchanal, they apparently wrote their names on the tribal banner. We didn't even get 3 seconds of that exercise.

So much stuff is being hidden from us compared to earlier series. If MB keeps cutting out standard bits of the show, maybe they can fit it into a commercial segment on an all-new 2-hour CSI.

Andrew wants to see Jon gone. Jon declares Lill "a golden goddess." Maybe it’s just because she’s willing, Jon, and you don’t have those 17-year olds around. She talks with Burton. Andrew and Lill have a beach talk. Cue: beach blanket bozo, its a ploy you dumb girl! Basically, Lill doesn’t trust Morgan. Rupert does his usual stalking nearby other people’s conversations, giving faces and nodding signals to Lill.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off To TC we go! With a whistle here and a whistle there for the ferry boats which we never get to see. Don’t they have their own boats? Wait, they supposed did get to take the boat back from Reward Challenge; but it's not to be seen. That’s probably a bad idea, having them row back to camp in the dark. It would turn out to be the Thor Hyerdall Kon-Tiki version of Survivor.

Jeffy gives the usual questions. Tijuana says something unmemorable. Lill has a new family (the Jon (Gotti) and Goddess family)? All the rest must have said something even more seriously inane; they don’t even get airtime. Jeffy rambles on about Burton’s and Lill's guaranteed immunity, and Burton’s assignable regular immunity. He gives it to Rupert because "it was such a close fight." Jeffy just looks bored.

Time to vote. Andrew’s up first, and says "Jon, you talk too much smack." I don’t know if he’s talking drugs or not. Rupert wears his sash and self-designed wardrobe during the evening gown competition up and down the walkway. Was any one else hoping the gun was loaded? But Jon clears up the earlier confusion from Andrew by voting right back at Andrew in his best gravely World Wrestling Federation smackdown talk. "Ooh, yeah! Mr. Macho, Mr Savage, going down. Dig it?" Ryan and Sandra vote. They’ve been invisible most of the show. Speaking of which, did they lose Darrah? Christa goes against Savage, but she wrote it like "Garage." {Pssssst Ra, remind me to make you an appointment for your next eye exam on Monday.} T. calls Jon a troublemaker and manipulative. Well, yeah! Lillian, of course, her being the swing vote, is silent. But if looks could kill, and she had a mirror, she'd be dead now, and they wouldn’t have to vote.

I can’t wait until they wipe that smirk off Jon’s face. Are those gang symbols or is he just getting ready to pick his nose when the camera’s not on him? Andrew Savage seems resigned to his coming fate. "Give me a cigarrette, but not the buff/blindfold," he says. So he is a Macho man! And Andrew’s torch is snuffed. "RynO, D., T., hang tough," He instructs his tribe. Jeffy closes with the usual, "Well, you’ve survived 21 days, at the very least you’ll be a member of the jury. I suggest you guys go back to camp and get back to work." Yes, but his eyes were skirting around for the gopher with the hip flask. At least we get some all-stars next series, he thought to himself.

Commercial break: whoosh, the last one. Promo for the new Survivor buffs. Elf. Kodak. At last, a car ad (you get 3 every break during football games). GM SUV (twice). Promos for Howard Stern on Dave tonight, and The Handler.

Next time on Survivor:

Christa declares the ex-Morgans very lazy (with another face). T. smirks (another face) and declares that they do "more work than’s really necessary." (What, like breathing? Which seems to be your maximum effort level?) Christa and Sandra do a poor imitation of grooming and bathing each other compared to Heidi, Jenna and Shawna from last series. And something about a disloyalty conspiracy (what a new twist that is!) next week. What, no surprises or twists? And I didn’t even get around to ragging on their necklaces, replicas of which are also available at the CBS store and CBS.com.

Andrew’s Final Words:

They are a totally wierd lawyerly leadership speech without good facts.

"I’m unbelievably proud to be part of the Morgan tribe, …" No, you were Morgan, and then were Balboa, now your're not even part of the jury, just o-u-t out.

"… and to rally from losing the first three immunities to winning the last three to even the score: five Morgan tribemates to five Drake; …" Well, that’s true enough.

"… show them what we’re made of, and continue to make all of us proud." If that’s so, they won’t eat, won’t work, and will probably be more miserable than proud.

"Cheers to Captain Morgan." Is this addressed to the Tribe’s namesake, to him, or to what he expects to be quaffing when he gets to Looser Lodge?

"I walk away with, seriously, a great satisfaction that this is the toughest thing I’ve ever been through. Mentally and physically, hands down, I can take it. I could take it all through Day 39; I could take it through Day 69." Day 69, eh? He’s already thinking about what he’ll do when he gets back home to his wife.

"It’s a real test of fortitude and mental stability. For anyone who signs up for this, there’s always a question in their minds whether they can hack it, and I know I can. It’s very comforting to know that.” What he meant was "It’s very comforting to know I’m not Osten."

And it’s very comforting to know that we’re done with this summary.

-- Ra_8secs and Sunny_Bunny

-- Ra, as fast as light