Again this week, Mark Burnett seems bound and determined to shut me down, giving me less to comment upon with each passing week. But I’m no Quitting Osten, folks. Like Ryan and Darrah, I plan to battle this adversity to the end, “clawing and scratching” all the way. (“I guess y’all have to be carryin’ me away.”)Please note that, in protest of the annoying twist, I will not include the ‘Outcasts,’ who were previously rightfully booted (and therefore eliminated from the Diva Contention.) I reserve the right to add them in subsequent articles, but only when they reach non-outcast status (and even then I think I will judge them even more harshly than Andrew ever could.)
Morgan Tribe
Andrew Savage
Andrew has fallen a notch this week, as the distinct smell of fear is upon him. As one of the former Morgan tribe will be soon returning, there is the distinct possibility Andrew’s Kingdom may be in jeopardy, and the sweat is beginning to show. (Everyone knows a Diva is never caught sweating!) On the upside, Andrew showed off more of his lean body this week, as his boxers caught on the gate during the challenge.
Darrah Johnson
Darrah continues to shrink to Lara Flynn Boyle-ish proportions, causing Jeff Probst to question what is holding up her top at this point (as I’ve been asking for weeks.) She’s on the upswing, though, as she appears to have maneuvered herself into the core Morgan alliance, using her Southern Princess whiles (notice she was holding Ryan’s hand at the Tribal Council.) As she expressed her determination to stay in the game, all I could hear her saying was: “As god is my witness, I’ll never eat again!”
Diva Points: 25
Osten Taylor
(Deceased 10/30/03)
Osten quit, and thank god no one argued. I won’t waste any more column space on this self-proclaimed “bag of atrophy.”
Quote of the Week:
“If you don’t like what I do or what I say, you can get in line to kiss my ass.” (I considered it, Osten, but the line was waaaay too long.)
Ryan Opray
Ryan moved into the “Prince” slot, as the Morgan monarchy solidified. Finally he could step out of Osten’s overblown shadow. (Notice when Jeff was asking if Ryan agreed to let Osten go, Ryan couldn’t say ‘yes’ fast enough, interrupting Jeff during the question.)
Tijuana Bradley
As King Andrew begins to slip, Queen Tijuana firmly takes the reigns, reclaiming the title of Morgan Diva of the Week. This week, girlfriend looked like a wet T-shirt contest winner, as a rainy tribal council caused her cleavage-baring blouse to cling appealingly to her torso.
Morgan Tribe Diva of the Week: 50
Drake Tribe
Christa Hastie
Christa stayed out of the fray this week, allowing others to self-destruct while she shook her head in amusement. (A Diva knows the right moment to take control.)
Jon Dalton
Johnny Fairplay is around for another week to annoy and/or entertain us, again proving to be the most quote-worthy of the bunch. (His fashion sense is laughable as well, and this week his knee-high dingy white socks and his assortment of odd-sized freckles got too much airplay for my taste.)
Quotes of the Week:
(Accurately, to Shawn.) “You’re an asshole, dude.” “A ##### man doesn’t fight someone, you #####, a ##### Neanderthal does, there’s a ##### difference.”
(As he voted for Shawn.) “##### you!”
Takes One to Know One Quote of the Week:
(About the ‘loser’ outcast tribe.) “They’re used to that. Their entire lives they’ve been losers.”
Fashion Citation: -25
Best Quotes of Week Seven (Part One): 50
Rupert Boneham
Rupert flew off the handle this week, continuing his drama-queen ways in a Lex-like tirade to expose Jon’s vote. Like Andrew, Ruperts flop-sweat was palpable. (Remind me again why everyone loves this arrogant melodramatic loner?)
Quote of the Week:
(Returning from the last Tribal Council.) “Who the hell voted for me? What the ##### was that ##### tonight?”
(Later, to the camera.) “I was ready to kill Jon. Literally. Grab that little scrawny ass by the neck and pop his head off like a ##### chicken… Johnny Fairplay is Johnny Pain-in-the-Ass now to me.”
Drama Queen Deduction: -25
Sandra Diaz-Twine
Sandra earns Drake Tribe Diva of the Week for the first time, for her combination of honesty, wit, and impeccable hair care. And as she instigated the plan to have Shawn and Jon defend themselves to the tribe (because she thought it would be fun) she gave us, the audience, a chance to laugh at the two most annoying contestants remaining in the game.
Quote of the Week:
(As Jon and Shawn fought.) “Let them kill each other… as long as it ain’t Sandra, I’m happy.”
(As she asked for boot volunteers.) “Don’t everybody jump up at the same time.”
Drake Tribe Diva of the Week: 50
Shawn Cohen
(Deceased 10/30/03)
What can I say about this clueless himbo? (I mean, I hate Jon too, but pick on someone your own size!) Good riddance. Now you can go home and hopefully hire a trainer to help you get rid of that Buddha belly of yours.
Summary
Queen Tijuana re-assumes the lead with 250 points, while King Andrew falls to second with 225. Christa holds in third with a total of 125 points, but Diva-Come-Lately Sandra is on the rise with 75 points, so stay tuned. Meanwhile, Rupert, with –175, is still in last place.
There are certainly some who will scoff at my use of shallow, surface attributes to judge our Survivors. I say, to those who scoff, they can all kiss my tanned, hairless, Stairmaster-toned ass.
Larry Johnson is a comedy writer, currently working for Disney TV. Look for his weekly commentary from a gay point of view. Please check out his website, http://www.gaycomedyjournals.com/
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