Official TAR Episode 13 Summary: 'Twas the Week Before Christmas
or
Account of a Visit from Phil's Man-boobs

'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the place
All the TAR fans were watching the last leg of the race;
The remotes were all set to CBS with care
To watch the last battle for the three teams still there;

Teri's paper undies and Flo's constant whine
Folks would have to endure for one final time;
But Mr. B. and I had different plans, you see
We were wining and dining in good old NYC;

I knew that dear Magic had the first half in hand,
So I sat to enjoy a fine steak - oh, how grand;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Than our SherpaDave saying, "What are you doing here?"

"Why I'm on my vacation," I said with a smile,
"But my summary's been done for quite a long while.
Since we already know the team that has won -
The white male best friends are our team number one.

And the separated couple, we can't forget them,
They were bound to finish in second again."
"Have you even been watching?" SherpaDave then asked me.
"Because neither of those types made this final three."

"Oh goody," I covered, "I'm glad this is new.
Roll the videotape, I'm sure I'll get a clue!"
Now I'm back in NC, watching this final three,
Who will win - Brothers, Flo/Zach, or Ian and Teri?

And will we really care? is the question right now,
Since I wish that all three of them could lose somehow.
Ian's constant badgering, and all of Flo's cries,
I guess that I'm stuck cheering for the other guys.

After a mandatory rest stop they're hitting the beat,
Next stop - Quang Minh Temple, at Buddha's feet.
The married couple left first at 5:35 -
"They underestimated us, but we're still alive."

Seventeen minutes later, the Brothers join in
Next clue's in Hawaii - the Kahuna's blessing.
First a train to Hanoi, and then it's time to fly,
Ticket's needed before the airport, or they won't let you by.

At the travel agent's office, Ian showed all his charm
Teri and the Brothers tried to cut down the harm
At the ticket counter Ian decided to go behind
"She invited me there, I know she doesn't mind."

"Oh yes she does, Ian" the others all said.
"Now just quit screwing up and let G talk instead."
As Ken lectured Ian, Teri again said, "G, talk"
And Gerard got results though Ian tried to pout and balk.

All four got their tickets and went on their way
And alone in their taxi, the Bros were in dismay.
As they left in their taxi, they then starting laughing,
"We're allied with them? How did this happen?"

Flo and Zach were in third but were not out of it
Flo said she felt better and was not going to quit
(Show of hands - who believed her? Anyone? No?
So no one's surprised - I didn't think so.)

Flo's resolve quickly faded when the next thing went wrong
All the cheap seats were booked, so how could they fly on?
Flo cried, "Why us?" as Zach tried to do her bidding,
"If we're not on that plane, send us home - I'm not kidding."

"Oh shut up already," I said to the screen
"You promise and promise, now that is just mean
To keep stringing us along when we want you to go
So just put up or shut up, we're sick of it, Flo!"

Zach bought business class with a plan to then switch
Then they got on the train, Flo continued to b!tch.
On the train Zach used cell phones to avert their doom,
And he got help from a travel agent named Zum.

He'd send Mr. Huey with tickets that were right,
And he even had found them an earlier flight.
So while two teams headed to the airport with glee,
Flo and Zach stopped at a hotel to meet Mr. Huey.

When they got to the airport, they ran into the guys
But would not show their tickets, their plans they disguised.
So the Brothers suspected something was amiss,
So they snuck off to the JAL exec office.

Ken and G were so pleased when they saw through the plot,
And the earlier plane seats they also had got.
So would Teri and Ian catch up with the others?
They thought something was wrong as they watched the Brothers.

But when Ian had asked for an earlier flight
Yes there was, but too bad that conditions aren't right,
You see, this flight's almost booked, no room for you
There's only one seat, so we can't take you two.

The Brothers were smiling, and Flo and Zach laughed,
When Teri and Ian were given the shaft.
It's commercial break time now, and I want to cry,
'Cause I'm sick of the T-mobile Frog of Shanghai.

But wait, it gets worse as we get a crotch shot
Like we need that from Ian - Cameraman, thanks a lot.
The marrieds now worry how they can still thrive
The others leave at 6:30, for them, 7:45.

But out on the tarmac arose such a mess
It was pouring down rain, and Ian made a guess,
Would the others teams be forced through a weather delay?
Yes, they were - so we're back in the game.

Once they land in Hawaii, they all grab the keys
Of some lovely Ford Mustangs - a cool sight to see
First the Brothers, then Flo/Zach, are cruising along
"This ain't Driving Miss Daisy - Zach, would you keep moving on?"

Teri says to Ian, "Hey, open the trunk"
But he's tired of listening to all of her bunk.
"Why do you have to be so obnoxious?" says he.
Hello, pot meet kettle - I laughed 'til I peed.

(Well, not really that hard, but hey folks, it rhymed.)
So they moaned and they groaned - could they get there in time?
All three teams get to the Point, where they're bunched again,
Since they're there before the Point opens up at 10.

With the teams back together, Flo whines, "I'm hungry"
"You have to stop whining, it's way too early."
And thanks to that quote, I must again say
That I'm hoping the Brothers will triumph today.

They sit on the mat and they drink a strange potion,
Then are blessed by Kahuna, a delightful notion.
Now get on a plane and fly to Kauai
Where you'll drive to the gate for the next task to try.

Flo is calm, cool, collected (yeah right, I laugh hard)
"We're big Kahunas of the race" (Ian, you're such a card!)
Flo then whines, "I don't want to listen to Ian."
That's the first time she's talked that I find I agree.

We see yet one more airport and one more plane fly
Then the teams get directions - you're showing this? why?
The Brothers are first and each put on a harness
As they think of the task and wonder who'll be next.

When Flo sees the harness, she gets quite confused.
"We don't get a choice? Do I look amused?"
No you don't, but hey girl, neither are we
Since we're listening to you whine continually.

Hello, Mr. Demo Hands, "What's that?" you ask.
A Detour is a choice between two tasks.
Each one comes with its own set of pros and cons,
Usually one is risky, but the faster one.

This time there's the Quick Drop with a long scary drop
Or you can choose to do the Slow Walk from the top.
The Brothers give a big hug, then down they go
Now it's time for some crying, a decision for Flo

"Fine, fine, do the Quick Drop," she says right away,
"But I'll hold on for dear life the entire way.
And my eyes will be shut - do you understand the concept?"
And she still whines at Zach like he is totally inept.

But she opens her eyes and gives a big smile
It was actually fun, and she's pleased...for a while.
Then they jump and they dance and they rant and they rave
'Cause it's time to go to the town of SherpaDave.

Ian gets a choice, he's a scaredy-cat guy
"Can you do it?" he's asked. He says, "I've got to try."
When they got to the bottom, he said it was fun,
And he'd even be willing to do another one.

Now it's on to Seattle, but commercials first.
I think that the Sprint superhero's the worst.
But now Gap has that song stuck in my head again
Want to join hands and sing as I start a love train.

The first two teams hope that they won't see the marrieds,
But too bad, they're here, triumphant, not harried.
"Did you think we'd let you leave without a goodbye?"
Well no, Ian, but a girl can hope, can't I?

On the plane, it's not time for the final confessions,
As they try to sound so astute in their professions.
Says Teri, "I know that I'm old,
But I've got something left for the run for the gold."

Zach smiles and says, "We're the youngest and the strongest"
While the Brothers say they've still got time to be best.
And they ran from the airport and shouted "Taxi!"
As to Kerry Park all of the teams tried to flee.

It's a race to the next clue, as the Bros caught the light
But then karma came back with a big nasty bite,
They got caught in the slow lane, into second they go
As they're passed in a taxi by Zach and by Flo.

The next clue says on foot you now must enter
The International Fountain at Seattle Center.
As they run Zach says he knows which way they should go
But since it's not the fastest, he hears it from Flo.

He hears it, and hears it, and hears it some more.
Even when in the cab, Flo keeps screaming the score.
She moans and complains and continues to bark,
As the three teams race to the next place - Lincoln Park.

And the next sight is Demo Hands - we're back to the norm.
A Roadblock's a task only one can perform.
In the park is a totem with animal faces
Put them in the order that they showed up in places.

All were part of clues earlier, starting with the donkey,
Then the dolphin, horse, goat, and then a manatee.
When they're in the right order, the clue will be spit.
Flo's yelling at Zach to get on with it.

She tries to be nice, but that doesn't last long
Once the marrieds show up, she is changing her song.
Zach orders the totem, they're team number one,
And Ian becomes the second one done.

Get to Gasworks Park, it's the final place
And Flo has a look of concern on her face
She's seen Teri and Ian, but where are the others?
They must be ahead, she's sure of the Brothers.

But they're not - we see them on the way to the block,
And Teri and Ian are running against the clock.
As Flo continues to babble to Zach,
I'm wondering where I could get some Prozac.

Flo says, "I'm sorry I've been such a pain...
In the ass," and then she again starts to complain.
"You're supposed to say I haven't been, why didn't you?"
Because Zach's not a liar, you ignorant shrew.

The lovefests continue as the taxis drive along,
As we're supposed to be wondering who's number one.
They're driving through red lights and flying through town
Who's going to be first when they've all headed down?

Now Teri! Now Ian! Now Zach! And now Flo!
Now Ken and Gerard - to the finish line GO!
As Phil and the teams wait at the finish line,
We wait to see which team we'll see first this time.

I'm wishing, I'm wishing, I'm wishing...oh no!
First to come through the trees (it can't be!) Zach and Flo.
As they're running together, they look for the Brothers,
They're sure that they're hiding amidst all of the others.

As Flo and Zach jump on the mat, Phil smiles,
"4 continents, 13 countries, 41-thousand miles."
Then with his teeth gritted, but a smile on his face,
Phil told Flo and Zach that they won The Amazing Race.

Flo said, "Are you sure?" and Phil swears that it's true,
Since Phil wouldn't dare pull a trick on that shrew.
So they jump and they scream while the others all cheer
And the fans can't believe that the quitter had made it to here.

Then Teri and Ian are seen through the trees,
"We're coming, we're coming!" - C'mon Ian, please.
That's a mental picture that I sure did not need of you
But now Phil cheers them on the mat - they're team number two.

They act really proud that they made it this far,
But I'd hate to hear him yell at her back in the car.
Then finally the Brothers come into the view,
And they don't seem to mind losing to the other two.

Then we watch the group hug, hear the winner's last words
And we laugh as Flo says lots of stuff that's absurd.
She was the first woman, she says with some pride.
Hey girl, you'd have lost without Zach by your side.

I thought I would barf as I heard all this snot
Then the teams got together for one last group shot
And I heard Phil exclaim as he faded from sight
"Please come back for TAR4...but for now, a good night."