Reading all those contestant bios can be such a daunting task. I, therefore, in my infinite generosity, have summarized them for you. With my own comments added, of course.Kelly & Jon
Kelly, “gets motion sickness and fears spiders, bees, heights and sharks.” So here’s what I’m waiting for:
Detour. A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. In this detour, contestants must choose between “killer animals in ships” and “killer animals on planes.” Contestants who choose “killer animals in ships” must spend 24 hours driving a car filled with tarantulas in tight circles around the deck of a irregularly-rocking ship, then swim to shore through shark-infested waters. Contestants who choose “killer animals on planes” must hold on to the wing of an airplane doing loop-the-loops at 5,000 feet, while covered in honey and holding Glad bags filled with angry bees.
Jon, “claims to have no fears.” I’m hoping that means he will makes things worse for Kelly by yelling at her whenever she’s afraid of something.
Debra & Steve
Debra, “is currently director of an artist's colony.” An artist’s colony? Like on Mars or something? She “blows off steam by cleaning the house.” Hey Debra, you’re a wacko. Does that make you angry? Here’s a vacuum, there’s my living room. According to her bio, “She speaks no foreign languages,” which is quite an interesting thing to include in one’s biography. Next time someone asks you to tell them about yourself, try, “I speak no foreign languages, I don’t own any reptiles, and I have never written a novel.”
Sadly, the only item worth commenting on in Steve’s bio is that he, too, “speaks no foreign languages.” He has also never been in my kitchen. (Sorry, Cheers reference.)
Jon & Al
Jon’s bio speaks for itself. I couldn’t possibly make up something better. He, “lists his current occupation as ‘Human Cannonball’ for Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. He has traveled with them for the past 20 years and has over 5,000 notches in his cannonball belt. He graduated from Suffolk Community College and has also studied at the Disney Institute and Clown College.” Oh, and in case you were wondering, “He speaks no foreign languages.” Wait, isn’t “mime” a foreign language?
Of his clowning skills, Jon says, "If I can pick it up, I can balance it on my nose/chin." Again, no comment.
Al, 34, is “a cruise ship entertainer,” and “if he's upset, he'll go off alone and just scream out loud or have a good cry." In other words, Al is a big drama queen.
Amanda & Chris
Amanda, “loves to read and listen to music.” O.K., I have a grammar complaint, so if that kind of thing bores you, skip to the next paragraph. Amanda, according to this quote, loves to read music. And to top it off, “her phobias include spiders, elevators and fear of the dark.” Her phobias include fear of the dark. In other words, she’s afraid of being afraid of the dark. Deep.
Chris, “plans not only to make fun of the other contestants, but he will also scheme, betray, plot and backstab more than any other contestant." Chris is officially my pre-race favorite contestant.
David & Jeff
“David respects President George Bush because thinks he's a great leader.” No, really, that’s an exact quote, “because thinks” and all. Maybe David respects George Bush because they both talk the same.
Jeff “is 37 and describes himself as ‘goal-oriented.’” What is this, your resume?
Millie & Chuck
Millie, “works as an Environmental Teacher at the Tennessee Aquarium,” which is a fancy way of saying that she entertains audiences by getting a sea lion to balance a beach ball on its nose. In addition, she has “no fears, except for mayonnaise.” That’s right folks, she’s afraid of mayonnaise. I’m seeing a John Vito & Jill style cheese-eating fast forward, except with mayonnaise.
Chuck is “a physically active guy, “ who “holds a BS in Exercise Science from the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga,” which is a fancy way of saying that he is a gym teacher. Probably a bad one.
Millie believes her man Chuck is "hotter than Brad Pitt." Compare:
Monica & Sheree
Monica and Sheree, “want to prove that two black mothers and wives can compete in a physical arena that no one expects us to do well in.” Um, what? Look more closely at your competition next time you get a chance.
Monica, “understands a little Spanish, “ and Sheree, “speaks very little French.” Hey! Me too! Je suis las chalupas!
Sheree blows off steam with a "glass of wine…okay, a bottle." Make that a bottle of Wild Turkey and you’ve got yourself a date.
Reichen & Chip
Reichen claims that, “he is married to his teammate Chip.” Not in the United States you aren’t. I’m surprised the “Defense of Marriage” people haven’t started a protest against TAR yet. In addition, he describes himself as “detail-oriented.” Combine that with Jeff’s “goal-oriented” skills and you have one fine employee.
Reichen “likens himself to Ben Affleck,” and says Chip “is like Bruce Willis.”
Nope, sorry. And neither of you is hotter than Brad Pitt, either.
Russell & Cindy
Russell “is a 32-year-old model/actor/entrepreneur who describes himself as hilarious and a leader.” This is a fancy way of saying that Russell has no job. Cindy “is 39 years old and describes herself as a former supermodel and currently, an inventor.” This is a fancy way of saying that Cindy has no job.
And another grammar complaint: Russell, “cannot stand not to be doing anything.” Say what now?
According to Russell, “people say I look like Mel Gibson.” These people kill me.
Steve & Dave
Steve, “loves watching Andy Griffith marathons on TV.” Now that’s entertainment. He describes himself as "large, funny and friendly," and compares himself to actor John Candy. Dave, “compares himself to Woody Allen and Cosmo Kramer.” Finally! Two people that have accurate self-images!
Steve & Josh
Interestingly enough, Steve, “likens himself to Andy Griffith on Mayberry RFD.” As if it weren’t confusing enough having all the duplicate names. Conversation I predict during the season:
Contestant 1: “That Steve sure is a funny guy.”
Contestant 2: “Which Steve?”
Contestant 1: “The Steve that likes Andy Griffith.”
Contestant 2: “That Steve right there?”
Contestant 1: “No silly, the other Steve that likes Andy Griffith.”
Contestant 2: “Ohhhh...”
Josh has an innumerable list of stunning accomplishments. For example, “Josh raised steers for the Ventura County Fair and won a prize for a bull-calf. He lists this as an accomplishment he is very proud of, along with the fact that he once ate an entire bowl of butter for a dollar and never threw up.” Something tells me that he doesn’t know any foreign languages. Call it a hunch.
Tian & Jaree
Tian’s bio says that she, “has one of the highest IQs of all contestants.” So my question is, does TAR give contestants an IQ test, or is this just a self-proclaimed truth from Tian? And, which would be dumber? As an example of her high IQ, she states that she, “fears heights, but after having done aerial acrobatics in an L30 Russian Fighter Jet, a fear of heights may not be such an issue.” So, to sum up, you fear heights, but you don’t. Got it.
Comparing their jobs, Jaree is a ”model/actress,” while Tian is a “model/actress/singer.” Don’t you hate when people are always trying to one-up you? To Tian I say, “Oh yeah, while I’m a model/actor/singer/waiter!
According to the two, “We like to run our mouths, lay out by the pool and check out hot guys.” Jaree adds that “she was disappointed when she found out that Tian likes girls.” O.K., I’m not a lesbian, but I’m fairly certain that they do not enjoy checking out hot guys. I’m trying to picture myself, for example, lying out by the pool checking out hot women. This makes me laugh.
Adding to her homophobia, Jaree, “admits that if Tian ever hit on her, it'd be over between them. Jaree fears cockroaches and being lost.” And, apparently, being hit on by women.
Given all we have to bash on the contestants’ bios alone, I trust that we will not be short of material when the contestants actually start doing things. Bash away!
A little something GeorgiaBelle and Katem whipped up for me. Aren't they great?
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Strider left OT because of nonsense like this.
Bebo says...919 beats 205 - I am your American Idol and the Baroness of Babedom.
