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sittem 4186 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest" 12-17-04, 11:03 AM (EST) "Adult Children and Independence" “Gus bugs me but I really like Hera (he really needs to listen to his daughter - she's told him at least twice now that their detour choices were going to take too long, both times she was right….” The quote above by a good friend made me reflect on the relational aspects of TAR and whether I could race with my 22 year old son successfully. Then, it also made me think about “launching” our children into independence. Only a relatively small number of us have adult children so it’d be hard to respond from that perspective. But, all of us have experienced some kind of parenting. If you are so inclined respond to any of these questions: 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Sigpic by the fantabulous Mon Cherie!   Top

Subject     Author     Message Date     ID    RE: Adult Children and Independence brvnkrz 12-17-04 1  RE: Adult Children and Independence cqvenus 12-17-04 2  RE: Adult Children and Independence PagongRatEater 12-17-04 3  RE: Adult Children and Independence Spidey 12-17-04 4  RE: Adult Children and Independence emydi 12-17-04 5  RE: Adult Children and Independence geg6 12-17-04 6    RE: Adult Children and Independence ginger 12-17-04 7  Hey! PhoenixMons 12-17-04 8    RE: Hey! sittem 12-17-04 13    RE: Hey! Silvergirl1 12-19-04 19  RE: Adult Children and Independence ConningOfficer 12-17-04 9    RE: Adult Children and Independence emydi 12-17-04 11  RE: Adult Children and Independence Immunegirl 12-17-04 10  I hope this thread northernlights 12-17-04 12  RE: Adult Children and Independence LeftPinky 12-17-04 14  RE: Adult Children and Independence skye 12-17-04 15  RE: Adult Children and Independence Surveysez 12-17-04 16  RE: Adult Children and Independence StarryLuna 12-18-04 17  RE: Adult Children and Independence MandyM 12-18-04 18  I'm back! northernlights 12-19-04 20  RE: Adult Children and Independence clemsonbeav 12-19-04 21  RE: Adult Children and Independence PepeLePew13 12-19-04 22

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brvnkrz 20491 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 11:07 AM (EST) 1. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Yes. I love my parents but I don't want to spend a lengthy vacation with them. I would feel like a child the whole time. 2. My Mom says they were either the best or worst parents on earth because we would never move back home with them. They were big on independence and I'm glad. 3. No kids for me, thanks. 4. My parents have nothing to do with my decision to not have kids. I am too much of a kid to raise any of those critters.   Top

cqvenus 9765 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 11:41 AM (EST) 2. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Seeing Gus/Hera made me think it would be fun to do this trip with my dad. Would our relationship be affected? Nope. It would be just as it is. It would even be the same if I went with my mom. She'd just suck more at TAR because she's not into physical challenges and she's horrible with directions. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? I think my parents were not as successful in that they sent mixed messages. They taught me for my whole life that I was to be an independent thinker and challenge everything. It worked (in case you're new), but I guess they wanted the cake and eat it too because when I started to make decisions for myself without consulting them for every little thing, my mom was kinda resentful. So we went through a couple of years of junk where I thought I didn't need them at all and they thought I needed them always. Somehow, we ironed it out, though. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? Oh, wow. That's hard. I found it best to start with the early years and answer those questions first. Since they come first, and all. I don't have kids, but I think about it. So, I think to myself that my parents did okay, because *I* like me, so maybe I shouldn't change anything. But then I think well, maybe I can do better... but where to begin? I am still not sure what I would/will do differently. I guess that's a "cross that bridge" kinda thing for me right now. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? N/A because I do intend to have children one day. If I am unable, though, that answers a huge Life Question for me. That, however, is best filed in perhaps a different thread. ~ cq still thinks it would be fun to go with her dad on TAR   Top

PagongRatEater 12996 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 11:50 AM (EST) 3. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" It's an interesting question because the wife and I have very different relationships with our parents and different views on where the parent child relationship is going. I feel very strongly that our role as parents, and the measuring stick of how successful we are in raising the kids, is how little our children need us when they are grown. My mother raised me to be very independent and now I live half a country away. Sure I miss my family, but I am also quite capable of being away from them. The DW has a very close relationship with her parents, that frankly I think interfere's with OUR relationship and our ability to raise our kids the way we want. The upside is that we have their help and support constantly - the downside is that we often get it when I don't want it. For my mom, it was very important to let me sink or swim opn my own once I got to a certain age. She may have been there waiting to help out if absolutely necessary, but if so I didn't know it. There were times I resented her for it, but in the end I think that I am better able to handle things as an adult. While a trip with the kids may be nice and broadening, and would be a good step in developing a "peer" relationship - I don't think it will go as far in developing independance as letting them fail and offering them nothing more than your love and mental support as they grow older.   Top

Spidey 6259 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 11:52 AM (EST) 4. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Been there. Done that. Word to the wise: Don't travel Eurpoe with your parents. My father and I nearly killed each other on the streets of Salzburg. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? My brother was the "needy" one, so he got just about ALL of the attention. I was always independent, but I was also a wild child in an effort to get attention of any kind. It didn't work. I was a total hellion but never even got grounded. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I won't assume that a bright, outgoing indepdenent child doesn't need much attention or that they really want to be totally self-sufficient. It damaged me and I spent my young adulthood seeking the love and attention I needed from total pricks. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Too late.   Top

emydi 13669 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 12:15 PM (EST) 5. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" Zoinks, Sittem, you don't ask easy questions, do you? 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Um, as an adult, I went on some trips with my mom (to the shore--nothing like TAR) before she passed away-and our relationship did not change...my dad well we haven't had much of a relationship for over 20 years so I would never go on a trip with him... 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? My father went through (and still goes through) a change when I was gaining my independence in my early teens--yes I became very sarcastic and a know it all (I think I have "remnants" of this still ) He was dealing with his alcoholism, his utter hate for his job, etc. Also, my mother later in my teens was going through many health problems that necessitated her going into the hospital for lengthy periods of time...and I was sort of left with the responsibility of my little sister chic...and finishing h.s., going to college, working 3 jobs, etc. So I was forced to learn independence...I "left" my family home when I was 19 and have never returned to live there. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I don't have any but if I choose to have them I hope to teach them to be very independent and resourceful not because they have to like I did, but because I think it is very important for them to be independent, etc. to be a success in life. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Well, I'm 36 and not yet ever attempted to have a child (heck I don't even know if I can). I am now thinking...when is going to become "too late." Already, by the time I decide and then the gestation period(s), I'll be in my 60's by the time they would graduate college. I think my hesitation has something to do with my childhood and being afraid I may not be the best parent and heck I don't want to fvck up a kid(s). I think back to a plaque I had on my wall growing up about children learning what they live. Will I be overly harsh (abusive verbally and physically) like my father....overly passive (lenient) like my mother? So, I have no answers for you Sittem but you sure have made me think this morning   Top

geg6 14941 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 12:17 PM (EST) 6. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" >1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Gads! My mom and I would have absolutely killed each other. We would have made Jonathan look like a meek and mild lover of women and small animals. My dad and I? Totally different story. We would have had a blast, probably lost miserably, and laughed like crazy the whole way. >2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? They were both successful in different ways. I couldn't separate from my mother fast enough (oddly enough, we became close toward the end of her life through DBF, who she loved). My dad was successful in helping me be independent because he supported my decisions 100%, no matter what. >3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there what have you done differently)? Not applicable. Don't have kids, don't plan to have them. I have 900 kids I have to deal with every day, not to mention DBF's students. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Yes. One of the reasons my mom and I had such a hard time was that I am so much like her. And I don't want to be a mom to a girl in the way she was a mom to me and my sisters (waaaaaaaaaay to tough and critical) or to a boy the way she was to my brothers (totally uncritical and soft; that's why they're total losers).   Top

ginger 22512 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 12:27 PM (EST) 7. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" LAST EDITED ON 12-17-04 AT 02:26 PM (EST) 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Sneetch and I backpacked across Europe when she was 15. We had a few testy moments, but overall it was the trip of a lifetime. She was as good, if not better, at reading maps than I so I decided to put her in charge of all navigation; she liked that and now she knows she can get from point A to point B in a foreign country using public transportation. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? The less said the better. I was pretty determined to amputate (as opposed to segregate) and hurtle myself into nonparental space (as opposed to simply launching). Now, we are fine. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I did not sweat the small stuff. I did not waste hours of both of our lives instigating discussions about the state of her (own) room. As long as she was a good person getting good grades, she was okay with me. I never imposed heavy curfews and I never grounded; she always called me every two hours when she went out at night, and voluntarily came home, most nights, at a fairly reasonable hour. This is not to say all kids flourish given enough rope. It's just what worked with Sneetch. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? N/A Interesting questions, BTW. ET return to Coco-standard grammatical form. The 8 Days of Slice. Such a smart girl!   Top

PhoenixMons 4696 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Stuff Magazine Centerfold" 12-17-04, 12:47 PM (EST) 8. "Hey!" I resemble that remark Let's see if I can answer these from the child perspective... 1. Egads, there is no way I could do TAR with my mom. Our relationship is far too bickery and we'd end up making each other mad. There are a dozen reasons that I don't think a long trip (especially one with heaps of money/awesome trips at stake) with my mom would be a good idea. She's a VERY emotional person and not in a good way. It would drive me insane. And I know I'm way too impatient with her when she doesn't understand something (don't know why cause I'm not like that with anyone else). It just wouldn't be pretty and I don't think being forced to be together like that would make anything better. She has always been very unable to see her own faults and it drives me bonkers having to deal with a person who thinks there's no way she could be wrong (I don't like to be wrong, but hey...I've always admitted it the few times I have been wrong ). 2. I think in many ways she was successful with many things leading up to independence - but she seems to not like the idea that I could be better at things than she is/was. She seems to like to be able to hold things over my head (like my non-driving - I think she LOVES that I don't drive because it's something she has over me). She always tried to pit my sister and I against each other (I think because she wishes she had a better relationship with both of us), which has made us both kinda bitter in that regard (we didn't really notice it until we were older, but we always had a great relatonship despite the "do you know what your sister said about you" type of crap. She did allow us a lot of opportunities to figure out what we liked/were really good at, though. 3. Well I certainly will be thrilled if she's better than me at things...that's sort of the goal of parenting, isn't it? I don't want to shelter her as much as my mom did. I think a LOT of my success as a person has to do with my own temperament and my unwillingness to be a follower (peer pressure was just never an issue for me and I think it just came down to my personality more than anything else). I see a lot of me in Kaia (she's about a thousand times more stubborn than I am - which, coupled with her perfectionisn, will probably also lead her to not be a follower), so I think I will be able to help her become independent just by knowing what would have worked (and did work) for me. Plus, I'm a great listener   Top

sittem 4186 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest" 12-17-04, 05:08 PM (EST) 13. "RE: Hey!" Can't quite remember where I heard that. I need to come back and answer these questions myself. 2002 IceCat Originals, Inc. All rights reserved.   Top

Silvergirl1 9342 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-19-04, 00:41 AM (EST) 19. "RE: Hey!" OH.MY.HECK, PM! From your answers to one and two, it sounds like we have the same mom. It has taken me many years to realize that those issues I have with my mother are because of her insecurities. She does pit us against each other, and talks about us. I used to try to please her when I was younger, but have come to the realization that no matter what decisions I make in life, she will talk about me behind my back. It's late, so I'll try to come back tomorrow to answer the questions. Good topic, Sittem. Christmas sig created by Mon Cherie   Top

ConningOfficer 585 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator" 12-17-04, 01:33 PM (EST) 9. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" I'll do my best to give you some good answers... Here are the full disclosure items, though. My parents divorced late in my junior year of high school after their marriage had been in trouble for a long, long time. More my dad's fault than my mom's. Dad had limited work ethic and liked to drink too much, and Mom never met a problem that she couldn't solve by running from it or ignoring it. Lower-middle class sort of life growing up. I have one younger brother, and in classic older-younger sibling fashion, I am doing pretty well by most measures - having just passed the 30-year-old mark, and my brother is doing dreadfully with defaulted loans, a felony conviction, and living hand-to-mouth because he's too darn proud to apply for a real job that requires a background check. My dad passed away about four years ago, which brought my brother and I closer together. But, mom and I just had a big knock-down drag out when I told her that she didn't know diddly squat about understanding when my brother and I stopped being boys and started being young men. I told her that it was a miracle I turned out OK, and that the Coast Guard and the Academy, not her taught me how to be a young man and how to accept the responsibility of being an adult. Worst thing about that discussion is that she yelled, she screamed, and then quickly conceded that I was right. It's never good to have your parents defer to you for advice on how to deal with your sibling, and now it's happened with both parents. No kids yet. Only married for a year and a half, but my experiences in the CG and work with 18-21 year olds may give me a unique perspective. 1. I traveled frequently with my mother during the summers and occasionally during the holiday season. Before the days of portable DVD players and walkmans, this gave us all a good opportunity to talk about all sorts of things, and to see parts of the country that we would not have ordinarily experienced. It gave me a pretty keen understanding of Mom's personality while Dad stayed at home trying to run his business (and God knows what else while we were away). It made me less insular and more curious about the world outside northwestern Ohio - resulting in my decision to join the CG. 2. See above. Dad stopped parenting me at about 12 or 13 when he thought that I had the brains needed to get into college. He actually liked the fact that I was a bit of a social misfit, because he didn't have to worry about unintended pregnancies, underage drinking, or stuff like that with the geeky older kid. Mom also cut me loose when the marriage went south and gave all the attention to my brother. Dad was the bad cop, Mom was the good cop - and after the divorce, my brother milked it for all it was worth. I was too darn busy with sports and school to really give a rat's patoot, and only had one year before I left for the Academy anyway. What they did do, when things were better is instill a good moral compass at an early age and reinforce it when I was a teenager. Instilling new values at 13 or 14 is wicked tough, and nearly impossible at 18 or 19 - when I get them on the ship. 8 weeks of boot camp isn't enough to wipe away 18 years of conflicting messages, that's for sure! 3. When my kids get to the point where they're setting off on their own, the "strategy" or big-picture stuff better be in place, or I'll consider myself to have failed. They should know to live by the Golden Rule, not be wide-eyed or overly naive where they can be victimized, and be certain that I love them and will support them even if they do make bad decisions. "Tactically", as they approach that college or first-apartment point, teaching them how to manage money, expenses, roommates, temptations of too-early sex, excessive use of alcohol, any use of drugs, etc. become necessary add-ons to the earlier lessons about living a responsible, self-sufficient life. 4. I certainly want to have children. How I raise them is dictated by the mistakes my parents made, and the corrective lessons I've learned from my mentors in the Coast Guard. It's also why I'm active in Big Brothers. My iron-clad mantra is that if I have boys, a man needs to teach them how to become a good man. My mother tried and failed. My father chose not to. I get kids with no male in their life on board my ship all the time - they are starved for that perspective, that role-model, and that instruction. If they don't get it - they turn into my brother - sometimes criminal, always negative towards women, and often unbalanced and unrealistic in both goals and behavior. Does that help?   Top

emydi 13669 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 02:57 PM (EST) 11. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" It helped me CO, nice post   Top

Immunegirl 2304 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Seventeen Magazine Model" 12-17-04, 02:00 PM (EST) 10. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? I went abroad with my mom (though I was only 16, not really an adult) and I think it was really good for both of us and made us closer. It was a group trip, and a bunch of her friends went and a bunch of my friends went. My friends and I would spend part of the day with my mom and then she would let us go off on our own, even though it was against the rules for us to be without a chaperone. It was nice to know that she trusted me to be able to do things on my own and it was also nice to share some of the experiences with her. I know the fact that we made a point to sightsee with her in the morning meant a lot to her. I also saw her in a different light, because I was able to see my ultra-protective mom act a lot more laid back with her friends and as a fun person who did things she wanted to do instead of constantly following me around and acting like a "mom." (That probably made no sense and you probably think my mom is horrible for letting me go off on my own in a foreign city at 16, but it was really, really great.) 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? In the end, I think it worked out well and I am very happy with my relationship with my parents and the independance that I have. It was kind of rocky when I went away to college, and I think that my mom in particular could have handled things a little differently. She was very, very upset when I left in the first place and most of the times that I left to go back to school after being home on break. Things got a little weird, because I got overly guilty about making her so upset, even though I loved being away. Things are fortunately much, much better now and I think we ultimately are fine. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? No idea. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Not necessarily applicable, but if so I guess not. Gothmog is the greatest.   Top

northernlights 5058 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-17-04, 03:35 PM (EST) 12. "I hope this thread" ...sticks around long enough for me to find the time to respond to it cause I actually have an adult child. Well adult may be stretching it but he is 25. Gotta fly. Have a great weekend everyone.   Top

LeftPinky 4150 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest" 12-17-04, 07:56 PM (EST) 14. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? My dad and I could do TAR. He would, however, always believe that he was right. We would argue - I'd never win. But, we'd respect each other's strengths so I think we'd do ok until there was a detour that he just wouldn't do (I'm a bit more of a risk taker). My mother and I wouldn't speak to each other for the rest of our natural lives if we spent 6 weeks together. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? Very successful. Both of us knew that we were welcome at home through college graduation - as long as we continued in school. We both finished in 4 years and never went home. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I'll be sure much earlier that they understand the consequences of stupid financial decisions (not that I had a problem, but many of my friends ruined their credit doing stupid crap in college). Otherwise, pretty much the same as mom & dad. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? I have children, but my bro & his wife chose not to as they are "too selfish" to have children - their words, not mine. They get to spoil mine instead. I think part of that decision could have been influenced by my very frugal parents. They always said that they couldn't afford to do much because of the kids. the brilliant MonCherie   Top

skye 2261 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Seventeen Magazine Model" 12-17-04, 08:02 PM (EST) 15. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? 1 word ... matricide. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? I was raised to be be an independant thinker. Unfortunately, my mother doesn't like many of my "thinks" and still treats me like a 15 year old most of the time. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I think I'll have to let go and just hope for the best. As long as he finishes school and doesn't end up in prison or bankrupt then I'll have done a decent job of raising him. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? N/A. Since I have a child. But having that one made me decide that was all I could handle.   Top

Surveysez 2793 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Howard Stern Show Guest" 12-17-04, 08:34 PM (EST) 16. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" LAST EDITED ON 12-17-04 AT 08:36 PM (EST) 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? My father would just never have travelled. He couldn't stand to be away from home for more than one night. My mother, on the other hand, would love to see more of the world. The problem I could see arising would come from all the years of not traveling - she is so used to her way of doing things and her foods, that the differences that make travel rewarding would be the thing that would overwhelm her. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? My dad let my mom look after things, and she was great. After I finished college and started working I had to decide if I would move to the big city 60 miles away and be home with my laundry every other weekend (which my mom would have done). Instead I chose to move two provinces away and try things myself, and when I told her, she hugged me and asked what help I wanted with packing and sorting. Dad told me how she cried later, but not to me. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I don't really want to be different. I hope I can listen to my kids to let them spill it all out, discuss options, then be able to say "You know what you have to do(-need to do-want to do-) and you know I will support your decision" and then shut up and let them make their own mistakes. So many times in that first year on my own I would call mom and do that, and no matter how badly I wanted her to tell me what to do (usually so I could blame someone else if things went wrong) she made sure I knew I had to make my own decisions. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Too late.   Top

StarryLuna 4771 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Stuff Magazine Centerfold" 12-18-04, 10:15 AM (EST) 17. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? With my Dad, no. As the majority of the posters here know, Dad and I are extremely close! We've even joked about going on TAR, although I don't think we'll ever do it. We may bicker a little bit about certain things, but we tend to usually be on the same train of thought and while watching the show, we tend to agree on which challenges to do. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? My Dad was very helpful. He kind of cut me off gradually. Throughout college and the first year or so I was on my own, I'd call him every now and then to borrow a little cash if need be. He felt I was doing the best I could at setting up my life. When I moved out, I already had my own bills and he dropped me from his car insurance. My Dad still does my taxes though. (But he also does my brother's, his friends, and my mother's - they've been divorced for almost 10 years.) 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I can't think of much right now. Considering that's something that's well over 20 years away, the world could be very different by then. I just hope I'm half as good a parent as my Dad was. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Not applicable, DH and I want children, the only debate right now is how many. I'm pretty set on just one and I think I've bought DH around on that. A JSlice of holiday spirit!   Top

MandyM 2112 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator" 12-18-04, 07:16 PM (EST) 18. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" I love this thread Sittem! Very thought-provoking and interesting to read other responses! 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? I could never do TAR with either of my parents. I love them dearly, but my dad and I are too much alike and we would EXPLODE at each other...and my mom is just too "nice" to ever want to risk having a televised argument, so even if I was totally on the wrong track and she KNEW it, she wouldn't want to cause a "problem" by calling me on it. I could prolly do TAR with my 16 year old daughter in a couple of years. We have a really cool give and take relationship where we both respect each others opinions and views and we really could compromise (although, I'm sure we would have a few fights....we always do, but they are short-lived and we forgive and forget quickly) 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? Successful.......but a mixed review here. My folks were SOOOOO strict when I was in high school....I never really was allowed to be independent because if my ideas or actions fell out of their "norm", it was not a good thing. I learned how to be a "good citizen" but it was more out of fear of punishment. However, when I was pregnant at 19 and told them I wanted to keep my baby, they laid down the law....said that they would NOT be built-in babysitters......that this child would be MINE and I would bear the full responsibility. They stuck to this and I couldn't be happier. I lived with Jen's dad and was engaged...but called it off for various reasons. My mom and dad let me move back home, BUT I had to pay rent (not a pittance either...full-fledged rent...back in the day, it was $300 per month and I was only making $5.50 an hour...so that was HUGE!). They would NOT babysit...even if they were home...so when I worked on Saturday's, I had to pay a neighbor girl (who I had babysat for when she was a little girl! LOL!) to come over and watch Jen -- also, I had to pay for daycare during the week...but Jen's dad and I split that cost. I did this for about 8 months and decided I needed to go to college and DO something with my life (which was my parents intended goal --- they never told me this until AFTER the fact, wanted me to discover this on my own). They did not help me pay for college (and I still have the college loans to prove it - LOL). But what they DID do......the rent I had been paying? After I signed up for school and moved, they told me that they had been putting it all into a savings account for me. How cool is that? And they would come visit every month and bring me TONS of groceries and diapers. I feel they were very successful in teaching me responsibility and independence after I turned 18. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? I have been different with my oldest daughter....we have a much closer relationship...she is not afraid to tell me the truth about her actions, relationships,etc. She is so open with me, admitting her mistakes, etc. I truly feel blessed to have such an open relationship. And she tells me how much she appreciates my honesty as well (about boys, drugs, alcohol, friends, etc.). She is a straight A student, thinks drinking is dumb (is she REALLY my kid? LOL!) thinks smoking is even dumber (again, I ask, is she really my kid?), and has actually taken a celibacy vow with her friends (okay, maybe I should have dna tests done?!?) I have a different relationship with my younger two though (they are 7 & 8)....I see myself falling more into my parents way of raising them. I am a good 10 years older now than when Jen was that age and it just seems like more of a traditional? parent-child relationship with the younger two - and perhaps it's because we are more of a "traditional" household now...I was a single mom with Jen. I find myself saying things to them that I SWORE I would never say to my kids when I was a kid (I have ACTUALLY SAID "you'll poke your eye out".....eeeeeeeek!). 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? N/A for me...but my brother has decided to not have children...I'll have to ask him if Ma and Pa had anything to do with his decision. MM I'm convinced this country is another planet’s hell   Top

northernlights 5058 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-19-04, 03:25 AM (EST) 20. "I'm back!" 1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? I would love the chance to experience TAR with my son. He's 25 and has been living on his own for seven years now. Most of that time he's spent living with a girlfriend. The first one was very controlling and they lived with her parents. Once he made the break from her, our relationship improved a lot. His current girlfriend isn't like the first one and we are able to see him without her having to be there for every minute. I think that given the chance to travel together in this situation, we'd have our fair share of squables but we'd come away from it with great memories and a much closer relationship. 2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or messed it up when it came to helping you separate and launching you into independence? I married at 17 and went from my parent's home to my own life with a new baby and husband. My parents were amazing. They walked the fine line perfectly. Somehow they managed to be supportive without smothering us. I will be forever grateful for the way they handled the situation. I'm not sure that I could have done it as well as they did. 3. What will you do differently when your child(ren) approach independence (or if you’ve been there – what have you done differently)? When my son moved out I tried to follow my parent's example. I've told many of my friends who have teenagers that the biggest regret I have from raising my son was that I tried too hard to be his friend instead of being his parent. I had friends as a teenager who's parents were more like friends and I thought that was the way to go. Now that I've lived the teen years with my own son, I realize that I should have not tried as hard to be his friend during this time. 4. And, if you aren’t going to have children, did the relationship with your parent(s) have anything to do with your decision in this area? Guess this doesn't really apply to me. Great questions Sittem.   Top

clemsonbeav 4208 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest" 12-19-04, 08:37 AM (EST) 21. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" This has absolutely nothing to do with your questions, but it deals with adult children and independence. This is just a thought for all of you. Most Chileans stay with their parents until they are around 30 years old, when they get married. They may go to school, but they live at home. When we went (gads) almost a year ago, some of my friends from Clemson had brothers and sisters who were in their twenties. When I told my (Chilean) parents that I've been moved out (but not independent) since I was sixteen, they almost flipped! And I thought family was important in South Carolina...Chileans take it to a whole 'nother level... President of the GAWKUR Alliance   Top

PepeLePew13 26135 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 12-19-04, 09:13 AM (EST) 22. "RE: Adult Children and Independence" Great questions, sittem... a good way to start a Sunday morning! >1. Do you think the relationship with your parent/child would be >affected one way or another by a lenghty trip (like TAR)? Not really. I've always had a great relationship with my mom and a good one with my father, even if I don't see him very often (he lives in another city 2000 km away). If I went on this thing with my dad, we'd probably develop a better relationship, but nothing would change with my mom. Having said that, I'd never go on TAR with these two as they'd just slow me down! Both move at the speed of ice glaciers these days... I'd go with my brother instead, he's travelled the world and is pretty savvy at knowing the nuances of European and Asian travelling, while I'm good with maps and driving -- we'd make a great TAR team (think Dave & Jeff). >2. Do you think that your parent was overall successful or >messed it up when it came to helping you separate >and launching you into independence? Quite successful. All three of us kids grew up into pretty independent kids and still had a good relationship with our parents (other than my sister being somewhat estranged from my dad, but they still get along). >3. What will you do differently >when your child(ren) approach independence I'd try to approach it the same way -- always being there for the kids whenever they need something, encouraging an open line of communication no matter what the situation, giving them allowances and savings accounts (and not giving in when they run out), things like that which I can recall as being steps that helped me to develop independence without being messed up. ©Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004 Scratch and sniff   Top

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