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PLEASE NOTE: The Reality TV World Message Boards are filled with desperate
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"Wise OT: Advice needed"
weltek 16936 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-06-04, 12:08 PM (EST)
 
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"Wise OT: Advice needed" |
I'm going through some serious anger this morning. I'm writing because I know many of OT's illustrious members had some bad experiences in life & can maybe relate & offer some advice.My sister has been married for 16 years to a very bad man. He was a spoiled rich kid with some hidden issues. He has continually been mentally abusive to my sister and now to their three boys. He is slightly physically abusive. I know he's grabbed & shoved my sister & the kids enough to leave bad bruises. He kicked my sister once and tore one boy's arm out of his socket by grabbing him so rough. He has severe emotional and mental issues and blames everyone else for his failures as a husband, father and employee. He can't hold a job, tried to move to CA to sell his "screenplay" (gag), but lost his money in gambling along the way. When he left, they sold the house to pay off debt, she filed for divorce, and moved into an apartment. Now, he's back. A few weeks ago he had an explosive tantrum, telling my sister "you're gonna die" & started smashing furniture. She didn't call the cops. NolayC did the next day when we found out. His court hearing is in Jan. My sister let him back in the house & thinks he's going to change...that this scared him straight. As a side note, she's tried "leaving him" two other times in these 16 years. We've financially helped (providing jobs for my sister, some family members loaning money), helped her move, helped her file divorce papers (I spent a day at the courthouse with her), called the police because she didn't have the guts to, and offered legal advice (DH knows the courts well because of his job). I'm at my wits end. How can I continue to speak to her & pretend everything is ok? I don't even want to see her, but the family Christmas Eve celebration is coming up this month & I still have a minor working relationship with her. 
Handcrafted by RollDdice
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foonermints 14531 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-06-04, 12:59 PM (EST)
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29. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
I agree with txmomma. Professional counseling is really necessary. Putting her in touch with other women who have been abused may give her a sense of help and empowerment so she can stop being a victim, and stop having to make believe everything is 'fine'. So sorry! Best wishes *hug*
Handmade by the incredibly talented Syren
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TechNoir 9741 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-06-04, 12:16 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
You won't like my answer.Just ignore it. Don't help her. Don't tell her what to do. You've done that. She is choosing this life. Whether you like it or not, it is her life. If you are sure that he is abusive to the children, you could call social services -- but please, be very sure. Otherwise just be polite. (Read Miss Manners, if you must  ) The family -- all of it -- deserves a decent holiday NOT entirely focused on her family and their problems. They've gotten quite enough attention from all this. And enjoy your Christmas.
 
"Won't someone think of the children?" - King Kaufman
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Wheezy 9153 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 01:53 PM (EST)
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35. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
She wise, the Tech.
 *blush*
Thinking about you, Weltek and NolayC
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dabo 26942 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 02:16 PM (EST)
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40. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
Yeah, but Nolay has rules he has to follow, he'd probably get in trouble if he just happened to leave some police property laying around which a victimized woman might find useful for her own personal defense.
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weltek 16936 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 02:16 PM (EST)
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39. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
Suuuuhhhhweeet!
Handcrafted by RollDdice
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PagongRatEater 12996 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-06-04, 12:25 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
My mom was in several relationships and one marriage that was exactly like this. Unfortunately there is almost nothing that you can do that will convince her that he won't change (he won't), that he is ruining her life (he is) and that she and the kids would be better off without him (they would). The only thing that you can do is be there for her and love her unconditionally. I know that for my mother the condemnation of my father by her family only left her with no choice but to give him chance after chance. In the end, she will have to make that decision herself and until she does it simply isn't going to change. I know that it is painful to watch someone you love make mistakes, and then continue making the same ones even after you think that they have finally learned their lesson, but she needs your love and the support of the family more now than ever. Someday the strength of that love and support may make her strong enough to do what she needs to do, but I fear that she has been excusing it so long that she will have a very hard time accepting that truth. In the meantime, I would advise her that any re-acceptance for him has to be conditional - counseling, getting a steady job and no more abuse. If she CAN'T do it for herself, she has to do it for her children. That's why my mom left in the end. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers, and prayer is one other gift that you can give your sister as well. Sorry for the rambling. I hope it helps. 
how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times.
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Jep1974 693 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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12-06-04, 12:29 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
If your sister is open to it, help her construct a safety/exit plan. This would consist of what she will need when he explodes next. (Hidden cab fare, speed dial programmed with police/shelter, suitcase for her and the kids). Any shelther will have samples, as will the net, or any book on the topic. The abuse she has survived thus far has not been minor, and likely, you have not heard it all. The most dangerous time for her is when she leaves, and with the pending court case, this is certainly not an easy or safe time for her or the kids. Although you are frustrated, you clearly love her. Right now, she is likely feeling very ashamed and alone. If you can, continue to be there for her. This is not as clear cut as you might think. Just letting her know that you will be there for her will help; I agree with Glow, don't ignore the situation. If it is possible however, do not judge her. She is likely feeling crappy enough about herself as it is. Good luck with it. Sending you much needed strength.
Sig pic thanks to the brilliance of ever-wonderful Survey!
Been away a week; DH was left in charge. I think there is a house left under all the rubble, but I am not sure.
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Jep1974 693 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 01:23 PM (EST)
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31. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
Murderous thoughts... Rightfully so. It must be very frustrating for you all to be feeling that there is little you can do to help. But, by just letting her know you love her, you are helping. By doing EXACTLY what you are doing, you are helping.He isn't going to change. And, hopefully, at some point, she will find it within her to close that door, once and for all. Unfortunately, it's a long, drawn out, and painful process. Not only for her, but you all as well. On average, a woman will leave 7 times, before making it final. In the mean time, I would strongly caution AGAINST couples counseling (he evidently does not care about the rest of his family, thereby making couples' counseling moot). If at all possible, get her to see someone on her own, and have the kids go to someone also. Sig pic thanks to the brilliance of ever-wonderful Survey!
Been away a week; DH was left in charge. I think there is a house left under all the rubble, but I am not sure.
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dabo 26942 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 12:43 PM (EST)
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21. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
ohmyheck
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NolayC 1251 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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12-06-04, 12:41 PM (EST)
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17. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
LAST EDITED ON 12-06-04 AT 12:49 PM (EST)Since I'm directly involved in this I'll add my thoughts. I'm a mandatory reporter, and so far she has shielded me from the abuse of the children to avoid me having him arrested. When I knew full well that she had been hurt, she begged me not to do anything...and I didn't. So when she called weltek knowing full well I'd have him arrested, and I did, I thought she finally "got it". I talked with her for a long enough time on the phone and in person.
He will be convicted--I'm quite confident. He will probably get probation--he'll take jail if he's smart, because *I* know I will be contacting that PO to make sure they have the...big picture, but in the end it'll be an enhanced misdemeanor with no chance of prison.
DSIL wants this situation to be over, and for him to leave her and the kids alone--or at least she did the last time I talked to her. He-the one who would be better off with a bullet to the head-is willing to terminate his parental rights (TPR hearing not withstanding)which the courts would probably grant, because hey, he never was more than a sperm donor so why should he have to pay for his kids right? I? hate this guy, so much.
eta--spelling when emotional is bad.
Handcrafted by RollDdice. Do you know why they call it Veal? Because it wouldn't sell if they called it "Dead Baby Cow".
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syren 5418 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 01:46 PM (EST)
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33. "Do not ignore her." |
LAST EDITED ON 12-06-04 AT 01:48 PM (EST)As some of you may know I work closely with victims of abuse. All types of abuse ranging from hate crime victims to battered people.
Do not ignore it. Right now, more than ever she needs your support. Most vicitms of Domestic Violence feel humiliated, worthless, and that for some reason they deserve the abuse that they are suffering from. These are normal reactions for victims of abuse. While she may not express to you that she feels any of these it is more likely than not that she does.
Although I agree that it has to be her choice to leave, you both are taking the right steps towards intervention. She knows that you are a mandatory reporter, that may be her cry for help and the window that she needs but could not say that she needed.
Because you are so close to the situation you may want to contact your local Womens shelter to get advice, and to speak to others who have gone through the same things that you yourself are feeling. They will be able to offer alot of insight as to what you can do to support her, help her, and to learn how to listen and help without making her feel worse about the situation.
I know that it is hard to not scream "why don't you get out." However, most of these women (and sometimes men) really do not know how without feeling bad themselves for the situation. Abuse is about power and control. There is so much more mental than physical that goes on, even when they are being hit. The support that you give to her right now, may be the determining factor on whether she leaves. It can help ease her feelings of isolation.
You have said that people have helped her, with money and moving. There are area programs to help with that. Instead when she calls for financial help, go with her to these organizations. Sometimes your presence can make all the difference.
Here are some links to help you and her with this.
http://www.ndvh.org/index.html
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/dv.htm
http://www.peekabooicu2.50megs.com/domesticviolence.html
Since the children have shown signs of abuse, call the dept of health and human resources or the dept of women and children in your area. She may choose to stay for herself, but that is not a choice that the children should have to deal with.
Listen to her, and even though you may want to judge her for making the decisions that she has made, don't, at least not to her. It can make it worse.
Help her plan a get out plan. With numbers for emergencies and places where she can go. There are programs that have dontaors of cell phones for this purpose.
If she still refuses, give her information for him. There are lots of programs to "reform" those who abuse. While I am not saying that they work, while he is in them, she can work on getting out. 
Love doesn't hit.
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Lisapooh 12664 desperate attention whore postings
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12-06-04, 02:47 PM (EST)
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42. "RE: Wise OT: Advice needed" |
You can't do anything for your sister until she is ready. I know it's hard to see them like that but until she wants help - you can't help her. Give her copies of two books (both by Melodie Beattie) CoDependant No More and The Language of Letting Go. They will be lifesavers to her when she is ready for them. After that, let it go as much as you can. Don't pretend things are ok - don't make excuses, and don't listen to hers either. It's hard I'm sure because of her kids - let them (and her) know there will always be a place for them to go temporarily if they need it. Also, if you are a spiritual person, pray. Try not to let this drama define the holidays for your family.
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PhoenixMons 4696 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Stuff Magazine Centerfold"
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12-06-04, 03:56 PM (EST)
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45. "A few thoughts" |
First, my mother-in-law was severely physically and emotionally abused in her second marriage. She'd been one of those women who'd always said "how could anyone not leave the first time". She couldn't believe it when she was in an abusive situation herself. Well, her situation is different from your sister's in that she tried to leave many, many times, but he'd threatened her life and she was scared for her boys' safety. He'd never touched them, so she just sort of figured she'd deal until she could figure out how to leave without his knowledge (he had people keeping tabs on her so that if she tried to leave, he'd find out).Anyway...as for your sister, I have to say that being there for her, regardless of how difficult it is, is important. Victims of abuse need their family's support and even though to you it seems like she's just letting this happen, it's not usually that simple. There are all sorts of reasons people stay with abusers, probably most often it's because they just don't know anything else and they are terrified of leaving. I'd be willing to bet that there's a certain amount of pride involved too - unwillingness to admit that you've made a mistake, unwillingness to admit that your relationship has failed, etc. The only thing I can suggest is to keep being there for her. I can only imagine how much worse things would/could get if she thought no one was there for her. I am sure it will be difficult, but she needs your support even though you feel like you're smacking your head against a brick wall. Yes, she does need to want help to get it, but at the same time, she needs people around her who are supportive. She's obviously made attempts to leave in the past (filing for divorce) so it's not as if she's just been taking it and thinking it will get better the entire time, right? I don't know, I just don't think I could just let her be. I'd think the last thing she needs is more people who look down upon her. I don't think you should pretend everything is okay even if she is. Reassure her that she doesn't deserve his treatment and it's okay to be scared and that you can't imagine how difficult it is for her but that you hate to see her suffering, etc. Perhaps subconsciously you are projecting your disappointment, anger, etc. to her. She's going to be much more likely to respond to you if you express your concern for her without lecturing her, etc. I'm really sorry your sister is in this situation. I can only imagine through some of my mother-in-law's stories just how horrible her life must be. She's got to constantly lie to herself to make herself feel 'worthy', let alone projecting to others that she's okay. It's just really, really, hard. I hope you guys can figure out a way to remain there for her emotionally and assure her that when she's ready to take any other steps toward letting go, you will help her. *HUGS* and all that to you and your family. 
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NolayC 1251 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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12-06-04, 09:10 PM (EST)
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50. "RE: From the children's point of view." |
LAST EDITED ON 12-06-04 AT 09:13 PM (EST)Skye it's not TMI, I have a very dear friend who grew up in a horrible family situation, and is now 30 and has only recently began to deal with the issues of his own abuse. He IS the reason I'm still in this fight, because I could not look him in the eye and say I gave up on those kids--who I really don't like that much, I'm sure it has everything to do with their current upbringing, but I as a person, their uncle, do not LIKE those kids as much as my other niece and nephew.
Their are just so many issues wrapped into this situation. DSIL is a rape victim who never reported it, blamed it on her dad partially, and has had male trust issues ever since. DumbA$$ BIL was the first guy she really dated afterwards and has been under his tumb ever since. First nephew was born as DABIL was a chronic THC smoker and the boy has aspergers? a form of autism. So a needy child in that already chaotic situation just didn't help. The next boy came a couple years later and mimiced many of his older brother's issues, and has issues with cutting and spacial issues- but when alone is SUPPOSEDLY a good kid. The third boy was born after another make up session--because we all know having a child HELPS a bad situation--and he is pretty normal and good as DSIL was(has been) on top of the bad situation she's in, and started getting support from her two sisters.
I, as a law enforcement professional, have a HUGE problem with seeing a situation unfold itself infront of me, knowing the end result and seeing an otherwise intelligent woman completely not get it. I want to swoop in and just take control, but unfortunately I can't. So I sit on the sidelines chomping at the bit. Knowing I can make DABIL's life a living hell--if nothing else just to make ME feel better--soon. On behalf of weltek, I thank you all for your opinions and advice. OT is great for that. I would like to generally say I have control of any given situation, but sometimes it's nice to hear other opinions as well 
Handcrafted by RollDdice. Do you know why they call it Veal? Because it wouldn't sell if they called it "Dead Baby Cows".
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