LAST EDITED ON 12-06-02 AT 10:42 PM (EST)

To Phua Chu Kang, Thanks for Nothing, Femme & Strider

On the last Amazing Race Summary Race...

While most of the summary teams raced though their summaries smoothly, summary team Femme and Strider, “virtual friends” from some place named Survivor Blows, struggled at key moments. Knowing they were behind, they chose to bicker and whine instead of attempting to catch up to the 80-year-old team in front of them who could barely hold their pens in their hands. Unfortunately for all of us, this was one of three pre-determined (read: “Don’t sue us for manipulating the show”) non-elimination Amazing Race Summary Race legs, and the hapless team of Femme and Strider survived.

Will Femme and Strider stop their childish antics and write a decent summary? Or will they be the next to be eliminated?

After the last summary, teams took a mandatory 12-hour rest period, where they had the opportunity to mingle with the other summary writers. Since Femme and Strider finished their last summary at 4:30 p.m., they start this summary at 4:30 a.m.

FEMME: (reading clue) Get yourself to a desk, and describe the first twenty minutes of The Amazing Race. The desks don’t open until 9:00 a.m., so it doesn’t matter how incompetent you were in the previous leg. You have two pens, two pencils, and ten sheets of paper for this leg of the summary.

STRIDER: (counts pens, pencils, and paper while walking away) Come! Let’s go! We’re in a race here!

FEMME: Don’t berate me.

STRIDER: Excuse me, berate? This is no time to give up on me! Start writing!

FEMME: (writing) John Vito and Jill and Jill’s dead brother leave the pit stop to find the Jet D’eau in Geneva. It’s a 450-foot tall fountain and everyone in town seems to know exactly what and where it is. Good thing they aren’t making this race too challenging or anything.

STRIDER: Hey, well, there is the fact that they had to find people who understood what they meant by Jet Daaoooo, Jet Doh, and Jet Doo. Put that in, it’s funny.

FEMME: Stop interrupting me! (writing) Before the sun even comes up, every team has been to the fountain and has received their clue to “get themselves” to the Petronas Towers – with only a little flag of Malaysia to help them find their way. Now, maybe we’re crazy, but we’re kinda disappointed that none of the teams looked at their flag and said, “Oh. Malaysia.”

STRIDER: Actually, I’m more surprised that only one of the teams knew where the Petronas Towers were, being, you know, the tallest fricken buildings in the world and all. Color me doubly surprised that Zach and Flo were the ones who knew. And by the way, why is it that the teams insisted on asking everyone which country the flag represented, but nobody thought to ask where the Petronas Towers were?

FEMME: Arg! Take the pencil if you’re not going to shut up! Leave out the word “fricken” though.
STRIDER: (writing) And what I wouldn’t have done to be the taxi driver whom Ian asked, “Do you know what country this is?” Duh, it’s Switzerland you idiot. Oh, you mean the flag?

FEMME: You are SO not funny. Gimme back the pencil. (writing) All the teams race to the airport, only to discover that they have to stand around and wait for it to open. Nothing exciting happens, since they’re all boring people. Now, if Aaron and Arianne had been there, there might have been some fireworks, but noooo, we’re stuck with a team of sweet little kids from New Yawk, a team of Brothers and, if that’s not enough, another team of brothers. Then there is the dysfunctional Flo and Zach, and the hateful Teri and Ian. Yawn.

STRIDER: Get on with it girl! (grabs paper, and writes) Finally the airport opens and Ian beats the ticket agent up and steals two boarding passes. He and Teri leave just before 8 am. The rest of the teams easily make it onto the next flight, leaving at 9 am, but not until Drew buys tickets for Flo and Zach. (Stops writing) How chivalrous. I mean, it’s not like there was obviously PLENTY of seats or anything. It’s not like EVERY OTHER TEAM and their camera crews made it onto the flight. But, whatever, I guess that was nice.

FEMME: Are you done? While you’re blah blahing, the other teams are writing like mad! Let’s insert a Drew quote here. (Writes) “I didn’t think I’d be attracted to anyone in the race, but I’ve decided that I want to get a little piece while I’m on this show. Make me look all macho and stuff. I can’t find my way out of a paper bag, I act like a girl when I have to do a bungee jump and the giant N on my compass just confuses me. If I can get some, I might be able to salvage my reputation. Never mind that she’s a screaming banshee-woman who hasn’t showered in days and is wearing the same stinky black tank-top she’s had on for 10 weeks now.”

STRIDER: Great Drew rant, Femme! (picks up eraser) Just change that first line. His exact words were, “I didn’t think I’d be attracted to any of the girls in the race.” There’s a reason he’s the unmarried twin. And while I’ve got the paper... (Writes) On the plane, Zach whines about the symbolic distance between him and his partner, citing the gaping seat looming between them as his reasons for this. He clearly is the observant one. We, on the other hand, are more concerned about the symbolism of all the streaming jets of water portrayed in this episode, but more on that later, okay?

FEMME: No, not okay. I’ve heard quite enough about your streaming jets.

STRIDER: Well if you think you can do better, here’s the pencil.

FEMME: (Writes) Flo, meanwhile, is cozied up to Drew, totally oblivious to the daggers that Zach is shooting into the back of her head. One of them misses her totally and hits Drew square on the ear, but it sails through and out the other side and Drew doesn’t even seem to notice it.

STRIDER: Look! One of the other summary teams just broke all their pencils! Should we help them?

FEMME: What, are you crazy?

STRIDER: But they helped us two weeks ago when we lost our summary!

FEMME: And we’re supposed to be indebted to them for the rest of the race?

STRIDER: Good point. Screw them. Let’s hand this part of the summary in and get our next clue! (Runs and grabs clue). Get over here woman! I have to make you open the clue to assert my authority over you!

FEMME: (Reads) Find a computer in the library and use it to type a summary of TAR’s shameless and blatant in-show advertising.

VOICE: Teams must now travel over twenty feet to this library, and find a computer in the confusing maze of library stacks.

STRIDER: Who the hell was that?

FEMME: Who the hell was what?

STRIDER: Uhh, never mind. Maybe we should use our Fast Forward. We could just copy over the Kodak rant I posted three weeks ago here.

FEMME: No, Strider, that’s too easy. I mean, really. Do they expect us to honestly go the easy route and think Kodak sponsored this leg? That’s too convenient. We have to be better than that, Strider. We know we’re ahead of Mr. and Mrs. Broken Pencils. We can take the time to make this right. (Types) Teri and Ian are the first to land in Malaysia, where teams must have their pictures taken in front of the Two Towers. Hmmm. I wonder... I mean, they’ve been pimping the hell out of this movie for the past year, could it be another shameless plug? I’m convinced that New Line has purchased this task in some subtle attempt to buy publicity.

STRIDER: Wait a sec! (answers T-mobile phone). Hello? Yes, you’re coming through on my T-mobile phone perfectly. Uh huh. Right. O.K. Thanks for calling on my T-mobile phone! (to Femme) We have to hurry this summary along. My agent needs me on the set of a new Two Towers ad. And, don’t be an idiot; look around. Everyone else is writing about Kodak. You almost cost us the game, Femme.

FEMME: Uh, right. (types) So, Ian epitomizes the ugly American by asking one of the natives, “Will you take a picture of me? Come on, I’m in a hurry.” The native complies, and Ian and Teri head off to get the picture printed at the neighborhood Quik Foto. (ponders) Ah, just like home, where Foto-Mat owners think it’s cute and charming to blatantly misspell important words within the name of their businesses.

STRIDER: You’re losing focus! Move over. And hand me a Krispy Kreme, would you? (Shoves his way to the keyboard and types). On the way to the Ampang Park Shopping Center where the Quik Foto (ugh) is located, Ian abuses the natives by shouting “Ampang Park! Where is Ampang Park!” at every person he can find. Unlike Teri, Malaysians everywhere stand up for themselves and pelt the vile man with doggie-doo until he falls over into a heap and dies. Then I wake up, frustrated that it was only a dream. Ah, someday, to be sure...

FEMME: Now who’s losing focus? (Grabs keyboard) Ian and Teri develop their picture. Soon after, the remaining four teams have their pictures taken and developed. Upon learning that an older couple had been to the Quik Foto first, Zach wonders, “How is that possible?” Well, let’s see Zach, maybe it has something to do with their flight being an hour an ten minutes before yours?

STRIDER: Yep, that Zach is one smart cookie. (Types) The next clue is printed on the back of each photo. Seems the teams have to take yet another train and go to yet another place and complete yet another task. You know, if it wasn’t for all the changing exotic and exciting locations, the thrilling roadblocks and detours, the nail biting foto-phinishes, and the sexual tension between Dumb and Gullible, this might not be such an Amazing show.

FEMME: Hey! Idiot! Do you want us to get penalized for not summarizing properly? I’m sure the producers have some arbitrarily-decided penalty ready to hand down. (Commandeers keyboard and types) The clue tells them to take the train to Singapore, where teams must “make their way” to the National Orchid Garden and find Margaret Thatcher. According to Phil, the teams must “figure out” what Margaret Thatcher is.

STRIDER: They aren’t trying to find Margaret herself?

FEMME: Nope.

STRIDER: Well, if it’s not Margaret herself, and they are going to an orchid garden, could the Margaret Thatcher they need to find be, I don’t know, an ORCHID?

FEMME: Quite right! Phil explains, “Teams must find an orchid named after Margaret Thatcher – the Margaret Thatcher Orchid.”

STRIDER: Is Margaret Thatcher a TAR sponsor now?

FEMME: We’re wasting time! Back to the train station! (Types) In a damning bit of foreshadowing, Ian hopes out loud (and for the camera, no less) that no one else makes it to the station in time to catch the same train to Singapore. In true reality TV form, Ian’s worst fear is realized when all the teams show up in plenty of time to make the train. Teri and Ian pout like third graders and the other teams endear themselves to me by delighting in Teri and Ian’s annoyance.

SPOILER NOTE: Derek, or maybe Drew, (who knows?) says they’re gonna hang in and beat everyone in the sprint to the end. I think this is true. As Katem so eloquently pointed out here, they’re the two white bread, young, handsome, somewhat single men – so they have to win. It’s like an Amazing Race rule or something.

STRIDER: Hey! We’re not writing for the Spoiler Forum! Get back on track and explain what happens when they get to Singapore.

FEMME: (Types) Teams arrive to find that the garden doesn’t open until 8:30 the next morning. Yawn. Derek and Drew and Flo and Zach all try to find a hotel and Flo, not unfairly, mind you, becomes furious when Zach suggests they check out the YMCA. I mean, a girl just can’t stay at the Y. Ew. She was totally justified in lashing out at him and berating him. Although, I do think it’s slightly ironic that she makes fun of Ian for treating Teri the same way she treats Zach.

STRIDER: Nobody cares about your opinion! Just write the story! Come on!

FEMME: Well you could help instead of “come on-ing” me. (Types) So, off to a ritzy hotel for the Princess of the Banshees. She lies in bed with Zach, all the while flashing her goods in Drew’s direction. Drew doesn’t look twice. Like me, he’s probably thinking, “Cute girl, nice figure, but not the least bit sexy.”

STRIDER: I believe I have a more plausible explanation for Drew’s lack of interest in Flo’s “goods,” as you call them. But hurry! Let’s print out this part of the summary and get our next clue! Librarian! Librarian! Take me to the printers. Come on! I’m in a race here!

FEMME: Detour.

VOICE: A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons.

STRIDER: Where is that damned voice coming from?

FEMME: Huh? I didn’t hear a voice. Anyway, what’s a detour?

STRIDER: A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons.

FEMME: Right. (Reads clue) In this detour, summary writers must choose between “Don’t Go There” and “Go There.” In “Don’t Go There,” teams must describe Phua Chu Kang and a sea manatee without using sarcasm or resorting to infantile humor.

STRIDER: We’ll take whatever the other option is. Back to the computer! (Types) After somehow managing to find the Margaret Thatcher orchid, named for Margaret Thatcher, teams simultaneously reach a detour. A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons.

FEMME: Wait, isn’t that part a bit repetitive?

STRIDER: Which part?

FEMME: The part where you explain that a detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons.

STRIDER: No, we need it. What if we have new readers?

FEMME and STRIDER: Baaaaawwwaaaahhhaahahahah!

FEMME: (Types) In this detour, teams have to choose between Dry and Wet. In Dry, they have to go to an apartment complex on Choa Chu Kang Avenue Way Street Boulevard Drive and find Singapore’s biggest star, Phua Chu Kang, which is Bahasa Malaysian for Big Hairy Mole, or Chinese for Big Dumb Dork. In Wet, the teams have to get to the Singapore Zoo and swim across the manatee enclosure to get to the clue.

STRIDER: I guess they couldn’t find the shark tank, cause my money is on them having used that as a challenge had it been available. I mean, I only have to watch these people for an hour a week. Can you imagine how miserable the crew and production team is? What’s a manatee, anyway?

FEMME: Well, Phil explains that a manatee is an “underwater animal.”

STRIDER: That clears that up then, doesn’t it? Gimme the keyboard! (Types)
Flo and Zach follow Ken and Gerard to the Apartments for the Dry Challenge. John Vito and Jill decide to play ethically and don’t follow anyone, which is a nice way of saying that they got lost. Teams must get to the 10th floor of the building, but the elevator goes only to the 11th floor. Everyone must then figure out that to get to the 10th floor from the 11th, you must walk down a flight of stairs. Phil describes the apartment complex as “intricately designed.” Zach refers to it as just plain “complicated.”

FEMME: (Takes over typing) The twins and Team Rebuke head to the zoo to do the Wet Challenge. Ian regales us with a tale of how ingenious his wife is for finding disposable paper underwear and I start to panic. Why is he telling us this story? OMG! They’re not going to... not going to actually show us, are they??? Oh no... Strider, quick, take over. I can’t take it!

STRIDER: Huh? I’m sorry. The Twins are distracting me. (Fumbles for keyboard) The Twins trot off to the enclosure looking like Adonises in their half-on wetsuits and tight, blue, revealing undies. Both teams splash off across the manatee pool. Teri is quickly captured by the tank’s dominant male manatee, who thinks she is the finest of his species he’s ever seen. Clues reveal that teams must make their way to the Fountain of Wealth in downtown Singapore.

STRIDER: That finishes the detour, read our next clue!

FEMME: (Reading) Head back to your desk, and summarize the last 10 minutes of the show. The last summary-writing team to finish will be eliminated.

STRIDER: Let’s go! Come! (throws pencil at Femme)

FEMME: (Writes) Ken and Gerard can read maps, but their map sucks. Flo and Zach have a “superior” map, but they claim not to be able to read maps. The brothers suggest that they take the superior map, and have Flo and Zach follow them, but Zach says no. Flo then explodes in a screeching frenzy. She harasses Zach Wil-style, until Zach, having NO-CHOICE AT ALL WHAT-SO-EVER decides to give in. Turns out, Zach was right to be skeptical, since Gerard insists they ditch the bickering duo A.S.A.P. Good-natured Ken says “no” and they all caravan to the next route marker.

STRIDER: Hand off that pencil! (Writes) Derek and Drew arrive at the Fountain first, followed by Flo and Zach and Ken and Gerard. They dash into the fountain and get their clues, at which point we are rewarded with a display of Ken’s fine gymnastic skills. They head off to the pit stop, which is at the top of Mount Faber. Teri and Ian arrive next, spewing meanness and hatred the whole way, followed much later by a bedraggled John Vito, Jill and Jill’s dead brother. So much for that lead, huh?

FEMME: (Swipes pencil) My turn again! (Writes) Derek and Drew arrive first at the pit stop, next is Ken and Gerard, and right behind them, Flo and Zach. To maintain the suspense, we are led to believe that Teri and Ian get terribly lost on their way to the pit stop. There’s a horrible fake shot of Phil looking back and forth as if he’s searching for the two teams. Unfortunately, Teri and Ian arrive just moments before John Vito and Jill and her dead brother and I groan thinking these old folks have some incredible luck for being such total asses. Oh, well, there’s always next week. Wil and Tara lost, too, remember. There’s still hope.

STRIDER: O.K., let me wrap it up! (Writes) Jill explains that she and John Vito have found twoo wuv, and they will be having children and grandchildren, and getting married. Vito explains that he ain’t havin’ no bastard children. Next week on the Amazing Race, teams travel to Nook Nook, Vietnam and yet another bicycle-built-for-two topples over. Flo whines. Ian yells at Teri. The excitement is astounding. I. Can’t. Wait.

FEMME: Quick! Grab all the pages and run for the mat!

PHIL: (with solemn look) Strider and Femme....

PHIL: (blank stare) ........

PHIL: (cocks head slightly) .........

PHIL: You are the last summary writers to arrive.

PHIL: (makes sad face).......

PHIL: You have both been eliminated from the race.

FEMME: I'd just like to say (sniff), that I feel I'm a much better person for writing this summary...

STRIDER: To hell with that, you suck!

FEMME: Oh... nice, real nice.

STRIDER: Oh, you’re not EVEN going to blame ME for this...

FEMME: Ah, shit.

...
Strider...........Femme