Oy vey!
Whence returning home from work on Sunday, to catch the finale and start the process of writing the gala awards show "script", I swerved to miss a car that had cut into my lane (without blinker) but was not quick enough.
The driver having NOW noticed me, inexplicably slammed on her brakes, hitting the front passenger side of my car and sending me spinning off the road and into a sizable ditch.
I go to hospital, they reset my left shoulder and put a cast on my left arm. They also had me stay a couple of nights because of potential head trauma.
Then, just as I'm prepped for the recovery, I arrive at home and recognize what feels very much like a scratch in my throat.
Upon waking up the next morning it was clear, I picked up some sort of bug at the hospital and am currently nearing the end of a (hopefully) 5 day flu. Complete with fever, body aches, coughing, congestion, and occasional super-snotty sneezes.
Please, do not stand so close.

Anyways, as a result of that moment, the multi-night hospital stay, and the unexpected bug, I have been incapable of getting enough drug-free time on a computer in quite a while.
But I am not a complainer, I am a doer.
And I'm gonna do the $hi+ outta this GAS!

You with me?

Good.

*pops a couple Vicadin washing it down with a shot of Nyquil*

Oh already starting to arrive upon the fabled Teal Carpet are our residents and their accompanists.

I see ... CTgirl in shimmering Teal, Vixen twinkling in white and rhinestones, D'Abby unstoppable in polka-dots, jbug in full wing span and... is that krismiss?
Well, all are invited, so glad to have you join the festivities.

Now I see ... agman in a red body suit, suzzee in the king's outfit, The Cherry Queen Georj, Kingfish and his date and 5cats.
No other 5 felines I'd rather see at the awards show. The more the merrier, I always say.

And just before we head inside I see arriving...
Wallflower and Flowerpower in appropriately floral gowns, Dakota in fatale red slinky sequins, There's byoffer with his date, the grapes, and qwerty doing her famous argentine lunge to hide byoffers twig and berries from full exposure. Thanks qwerty. Then there's The man-o-the-hour, Moley, with his dual gaga-girls. Way to go rodent!

Let's get inside the G● shall we?

VO: Welcome Losers and Loser lovers to... The Umpteenth Annual Loser Lodge Gala Awards Show!

Audience: WooHoo! *pass the prosecco*

VO: With a veritable pantheon of superlatives and lodge oriented awards to give away let's get right to the show, with your hosts... Mr. and Ms. Smith...
Maggie & Jaden!!!

Love the jacket and scarves look, you two. Are those bystander sneakers, Jaden?

Jaden: Yeah. Yeah, thanks Voice Over, introduction guy. So, Maggie, my lady, shall we begin this show with a bang or end it with one?
Maggie: Why, Jaden, you little scoundrel! My intentions as a lady and as your guardian for this evening soiree are purely filicitous.
Jaden: huh? Does that mean I need to wine and dine you? *brownchicken browncow*
Maggie: All in due time.
Jaden: Aww... c'mon. What's a man got to do?
Maggie: Maybe this will shut you up.

Jaden: *gulp*
Maggie: For now let's get this Gala Awards Show underway with a number.

Just then, from the side curtains, out bursts a cadre of lithe leotarded lady limberists...

The song?
A medley of the dedications made ala steel drums and sea breezes... (a heart-felt Thank you! They were a perfect 'get well' card.)

Jaden: That sure did get me in the mood.
Maggie: That and a slathering of Orgazyme should do the trick.
Jaden: Huh? Well...speaking of Ori..gami. Our first presenter is Vixen.

Vixen: Able to fold paper into a plethora of phorms is a specialty of mine. Not to mention a fair amount of folding myself into precarious positions for the pleasure of others.
There was also a modest amount of ruche-puckering done by the losers this season and this first award goes to the loser whom, whether successful or not, poured 150% of themselves into the purposeless of it all.

The nominees for Most Random are...

agman
kingfish
Molaholic
suzzee

and the winner is *opens envelope*
agman!!!

Look for agman to accept something below...

Maggie: Our next presenter is...

CTgirl: Thanks, Maggie! You Cougar, you. Who knew?
Well, the losers have secrets of their own and one secret that can no longer be hidden is the large adaptation that a loser develops to survive and thrive in modern gaming.

The nominees for Biggest Adaptation are...

agman
byoffer
Georj
kingfish

and the winner is *opens envelope*
bydangle!!!

Look for byoffer to grow and show below...

Jaden: That was cornea scorching. Keeping things moving. Our next presenter is...

Georjanna: Thank you, Jaden. Boy, you are cute.
However, our cast of losers were some of the hottest ever.
And in a cross promotion with TopModel...

The nominees for LL Top Model are...

CTgirl
Flowerpower
Kermit the Vixen
Wallflower66

and the winner is *opens envelope*
Vixen!!!

Look for Vix to pose for the cameras below...

Maggie: Nothing to add at the moment. Our next presenter is...

qwerty: Thanks for the intro, Mags. Sheesh.
She sure is dramatic, ain't she? Not as dramatic as some of the losers this season.

The nominees for LL Drama Queen are...

Flowerpower
Georjanna
jbug
suzzee

and the winner is *opens envelope*
suzzer!!!

Look for suzzee's royal decreement below...

Jaden: Is this it? I sit back stage and then come out every 6 minutes or so and introduce "Our next presenter is..."

agman: Yup. Pretty boring, dude. Ain't it? But you gotta spice things up. Like we do at the lodge.
And the best way to spice it up is to add a tease. Well, we have our own tease and there's no need to even intimate that any others but one would befit this Slaggie.

The Winner for Lodge Tease is...
Wall66!!!

Look for Wallflower to vex, taunt, bewilder and bedevil below...

Maggie: *snap* *zip* *unruffles hair* Our next presenter is...

kingfish: Thanks, Mags! *wipes lipstick off face*
You can use tribe's credit-card any time. *wink-wink* IfyouknowwhatImeanandIknowyoudo. Max it out, girl.

Blenda (kingfish's date for the show): I thought tribe's credit card was for me?! You told me I was the only one who could use it any time?!

kingfish: You can, babe. But I'm a giver and tribe's credit card is big enough to where I can give more of it, to more ladies in need.
Remember when we met?
You were in need, right?
Do you want to deny another woman's needs? Do you want to make another woman cry? I don't think so.
We okay?

Blenda: Wee okay, boo. *smoochiesmooch*

kingfish: Well, crisis diverted.
And with the next slaggie is a promise of more than enough wealth to completely cover tribe's credit card in space-age prophylactics.
The nominees for Most likely to become a Billionaire are...

agman
Flowerpower
Georjanna
and...
Me??!!

WooHoo!
*jumps out of denim cut-offs and runs, streaking, full-gill around the stage*

Maggie: YO! Gupster! You have to OPEN the envelope BEFORE you STREAK!

kingfish: Ah, right... and the winner is *opens envelope*
Georj!!! *kingfish pulls his cut-offs back on and slinks off stage*

Look for a hand-out from Georj below...
....while kingfish looks for a hand-job from needy women

Jaden: Our next presenter is...

Dear Abby: Wow. Congrats to Georj! However, it seems we have a sulking Jaden and an extra sad kingfish, now.
One way to turn that frown upside down is through exuberant rabble rousing.

The Winner of official Lodge Cheerleader is...
*opens envelope*
jbug!!!

Look for jbug to lead a cheer below...

Maggie: *unrumples skirt* *adjusts bra strap* Our next presenter is...

kingfish: Yup. Me again. And you're right. A good old-phashioned cheer was all I needed. All better now.
To bring us even closer to climax, the next award is being presented by American Idol!

The nominees for Loser Lodge Idol are...

byoffer
Dakota
jbug
Molaholic

and the winner is *opens envelope*
Dakota!!!

Look for yet another outstanding performance from Dakota below...

VO: Now it's time to bring out the big, little guy himself...

tribe: Okay, the show ended and while I could talk about the winner of the show, I'd rather talk about the winner of the Lodge.

Our last entry was before the last episode, so...

HutCam Results:
A. No Respite: Alicia ~ Christina ~ Sabrina ~ Tarzan (?)
B. Target Distraction: Chelsea ~ Christina ~ Kim ~ Sabrina ~ Tarzan (?)
C. Icebreaker: Name Sabrina (?)
D. Disposable Vote: Tarzan (?)
E. WITFICGTVF?: Tarzan (?)
F. Damaged Goods: Chelsea (?)

Due to the fact that some of you didn't even claim points, I just had to at least afford 1 point for a correct answer.
With that taken into consideration, suzzer ends up having the best Hut-Cam results.

As for the G● bonus:
Stop #1: Dress in Neon: 10 points
abs ~ 10
bydude ~ 10
D'Abby ~ 10
Dakota ~ 10
FloPo ~ 10
Georj ~ 10
jbug ~ 10
Moley ~ 10
qwerty ~ 10
Wall66 ~ 10

Stop #2: JP ShoutOuts:
Only 2 survivors were chosen for ShoutOuts and the JP counts for Kim and Tarzan were:
Kim: 35 Shout-Outs
Tarzan: 24 Shout-Outs
bydude ~ 35
CT ~ 35
FloPo ~ 35
Wall66 ~ 35
D'Abby ~ 24
Georj ~ 24
Moley ~ 24
qwerty ~ 24
suzzer ~ 24
Vix ~ 24

Stop #3: Dates with Jen or Joe:
Jen Envelope 1: 1 Drink Ticket
Jen Envelope 2: 3 Lunch Tickets
Jen Envelope 3: 3 Nookie Tickets
Joe Envelope 1: 1 Drink Ticket
Joe Envelope 2: 2 Coffe Tickets
Joe Envelope 3: 4 Nookie Tickets

Gupster ~ 18
abs ~ 18
suzzer ~ 18
bydude ~ 18
jbug ~ 18
D'Abby ~ 18
qwerty ~ 9
Wall66 ~ 9
Vix ~ 9
FloPo ~ 9
Moley ~ 9
CT ~ 9
Dakota ~ 0
Georj ~ 0

Overall...
suzzee snags HutCam but byoffer proves himself the master of the G● and grabs the last week's biggest score.
But was it enough to snag the overall prize?
The Loser Lodge Winner?

Starting with the Loser Lodge losers and making our way down. Congrats to all and Thanks for playing...

LOSER	HutCam	G● (UV)	G● (Jen/Joe)	G● (JP Shout Outs)	this time	last time	over time
5cats	0	.	.	.	0	254	254
Gupster	3	.	18	.	21	301	322
qwerty	40	10	9	24	83	270	353
abs	4	10	18	.	32	348	380
Dakota	1	10	0	.	11	394	405
Wall66	40	10	9	35	94	318	412
Vix	2	.	9	24	35	388	423
suzzer	45	.	18	24	87	373	460
FloPo	2	10	9	35	56	420	476
Moley	2	10	9	24	45	438	483
5th Place: bydude	40	10	18	35	103	419	522
4th Place: jbug	2	10	18	.	30	492	522
3rd Place: CT	3	.	9	35	47	478	525
2nd Place: D'Abby	30	10	18	24	82	510	592
	20	10	0	24	54	546	600

Look for Georj's acceptance of loser glory below...

Back to the superlatives...

Maggie: *puts shoe back on* *spits* Our next presenter is ...

Dakota: Let that be a lesson, Haggie! NO ONE eyeballs MY man.
You get my meaning, ladies? Surely the following ladies understand...

The nominees for LoserLodge Real Housewife are...

CTgirl
DearAbby
qwertypie
suzzee

and the winner is *opens envelope*
CTgirl!!!

Look for Bravo's newest star, CT, to pull some weave below...

Jaden: Gah, this is getting tiring. I need a nap. Our next presenter is...

Moley: Okay. Let's snuff his torch. Jaden, the tribe has spoken.
As keeper of the snuffer for so many seasons of BTS I know my torches.
Now it's time to pass the torch so to speak. The Lodge's torch. To keep it aflame through the off-season.
Thereby, of decree by tribe himself (and probably influnced as a measure to re-secure the legendary credit card.)

The winner of Off-Season Lodge Innkeeper is...
*opens envelope*
Gupster!!!

Look for kingfish to take a shine to you below...

Maggie: With the little Smith asleep in bed. Our next presenter is...

byoffer: Excellent. Now's the perfect moment to discreetly slip a nut in front of bazillions of losers.

Ahhh.... Much better.
With the air down there circulating around my biggest of adaptations, it makes me ponder the small things.
How small can they be?

The nominees for Smallest Ego are...

DearAbby
Dakota
jbug
Molaholic

and the winnner is *opens envelope*
Molaholic!!!

Look for Molaholic to empower others through selfless acts below...

Maggie: Is this it? The last award? Time to call a cab for the after-party.
And just to ChenBot things up a bit, But first...
Our next presenter is...

Julie ChenBot: Thank you, Dame Maggie Smith. Big round of applause please, folks, for this amazing actress.
Congrats also to Jaden for lasting longer than 8 Slaggies. That's pretty good for a tweener.
Congrats also to Dare I say it, Dear Abby and Flowerpower. Yes. Congrats, D'Abby and Flopo. More on your prize right after this...

The nominees for Biggest Loser are...

5cats
qwertypie
Kermit the Vixen
Wallflower66

and the winnner is *opens envelope*
qwerty!!!

Look for qwerty to embrace her loserdom below...

tribe: Okay, to close the show, in a rollercoaster season, and to have slaggies for all but 2 players left me a little uneasy, so...
Speaking from my heart, I am forever proud and grateful to have these two ladies, who despite not winning a slaggie, are still an immeasurable part of this lodge and most every lodge from the beginning of loserdom.
Thank you, you beautiful babes.
Now get to work!

Goodnight all! Time for another battery of meds, sleep and other soothers.
See you at the after party!