LAST EDITED ON 09-04-12 AT 08:08 AM (EST)

Here's a sampler.

She has a brother and sister, who are coincidentally the same rough age as Britney's siblings. (She began the game as an only child.)

Her parents were both Marines.

She was beaten her as a child.

Her parents almost sold her to gypsies. Because, you know, the Romani totally do that. Not.

Her family approved of her drinking while underage. Maybe it gave them an excuse for beating her because she started at the age of four. Hard whiskey.

Not only was her father a marine, he was also a minister.

Her father was once possessed by the devil. Despite being a minister. And a marine. This could make a great movie.

Staying with Good Old Dad, he taught her how to swim by throwing her into the water. No word on whether he was possessed at the time.

Her mother spent a decade writing a computer program which only she understands. Is 'she' Danielle? Her mother? It certainly doesn't seem to be the computer. Programming Marine ministries of computer exorcism!

Her grandfather invented laundry detergent.

When she was a teenager she was a U.S. ambassador to China. Please don't ask me how this works. Please don't ask Danielle either. But she speaks Chinese, at least until someone asks her to, at which point she can't. Also Spanish. In the exact same way. No word on whether she was ever an ambassador there.

She won the award for the best cheerleader. In America? In China? Who knows?

In addition to being beaten by her parents, she's been abused by two boyfriends: one hit her and another bit a hole in her lip. Which must have healed perfectly, because she's had so much practice in getting better from the following:

Broken nose
Throat cancer
Jetski accident
Broken nose again
Anorexia
Car accident in which her cousin died. (The accident happened and her cousin did pass, but people say Danielle wasn't there.)
Broken back and cheekbone. (You totally thought I was going to say nose, right?)
Cysts
Renal failure
Anemia
Irritable bowel syndrome

She's a LN. No, she's an RN and soon to be an LPN. She's like a doctor & doctors ask her for advice.

She's friends with Tim McGraw.

She's also friends with Faith Hill. She's just that friendly.

She was married once, but her husband maxed out her credit cards and thus did the romance die. And her husband may have done so spending money on a girlfriend. No one's sure. This may include Danielle.

She's a gymnast who does Latin ballroom dance in between playing softball and trying out every sexual position that exists, including a few you've never heard of and several she presumably invented.

And there may have been some other stuff about teaching, fighting, the further horrors of her family life, and Dan having a F2 alliance with her. But don't worry. If you missed any of this, there's going to be more along in a minute...

Natalie must be so jealous. All she had was a magic poker bracelet.