Before I begin tonight’s summary I’d like to say a few words about the events of this past week. I won’t bother to rehash the gory details....I’m sure we are all aware of them. But, I will say that I think we all learned a valuable lesson about trust and forgiveness. You see, manipulation is like a drug, sometimes LC you can’t even control yourself. But, I vow never to love cruise abuse your trust again. In fact, FOX I was hoping coming this summer that we could just check your local listings wipe the slate clean. And for those of you that are still holding a grudge, I just have one thing to say to you.....don’t hate the clown, hate the circus.

Now, on to the summary.......

TIE ME UP, TIE ME DOWN(under)

DAY 34: Baramidriff camp (where else would they be?)

Kentucky Jonesing starts out the morning by going down to the location of the first two campsites and retrieving the many valuable pieces of equipment that are still laying around on the beach. Mind you, this is two days after the flood....are these idiots ever gonna learn.....here, let KJ explain for himself, “we should probably try and get everything cleaned off this beach...you never know when we could get another torrenchal (sp?) rainfall like we did, oh I don’t know, seven of the last nine days.” Gee, ya think? They don’t call em’ “dry creek beds” for nothing...and, I guess you could say the same thing for the term “dumb redneck”.

Back at camp, Lislis wakes up and realizes that maybe she should’ve taken the rubber bed sheets as a luxury item instead of that headdress thingie....”I woke up this morning and I was so wet on one side...I knew I shouldn’t have had that extra mug of river water right before bedtime last night.”

In an interview, Kant-Kook-Keith lets us know the real reason Lislis woke up soaking wet....”In the middle of the night I had to use the bathroom, but I didn’t feel like leaving the shelter, so I just peed on the nearest Kucha...I can do that cause I’m in the Ogalliance, and we are the superior race.”

Well, I guess Burn-it must’ve read my latest summary/rant cause he’s responded with a whole new storyline focus....no longer do we have to watch scene after endless scene dedicated to < shakes official censor >,instead we get an entire show dedicated to how tired and bored everybody is. Now I have a question, did things just get better, or worse???

The Colbster explains that at this point of the game the Survivors are starting to think about their families and their homes. Benedict Tina agrees, “I miss my husband and my children...I’m still kind of a newlywed, I’ve only been married a year and a half.” I’ll bet anybody $10.00 that the boob-job was a requirement in the pre-nup.

TREE-MAIL!!!

America’s sick
Of watching you fakes
B!tch and complain
About < censored by shakes >

If you don’t liven up
And stop acting so lame
We might even put
Kimmi back in the game.

TV’s about drama
And fighting and stuff
And if you throw is some tears
People can’t get enough

So go cut some onions
Put salt in your eyes
Cause we ain’t leaving here
Until everyone cries.

The tree mail also hints at a reunion with their loved ones, and as the Colbster reads it to everyone the OMG-o-Meter busts a socket as Lislis unleashes a flurry of OMG’s <click> <click> <click>

Lislis gives us a sob story about the only thing more common on a reality show than the token gay guy or the token lazy black guy....I am of course talking about the sick and/or dying relative. This clip comes with the standard “Oscar clip” crying scene, but lacks the nice “you don’t know what sunsets mean to me” of Recruit Hutak’s similar speech from Boot Camp two weeks ago.

Alright, time for the Reward Challenge. The Survivors are shown the way to one of the many Starbucks in the Outback.....this one even has an internet connection, but unfortunately they’re all out of Double Mocha Cappuccino Lattes w/ skim milk, not to mention scones. Just Probst (as in, not anyone important enough where we should actually care...unlike a certain future television personality on FOX) explains the challenge. Each contestant has a loved one or loved ones on the other end of an internet chat...the loved ones are given a series of five questions about survival in the Outback....the Survivor who’s loved one scores the highest gets to chat with their loved one for a half hour, plus they get $500.00 to spend online for gifts for their loved ones, to be shipped the next day. Can I say “loved one” one more time...is it even possible?

Before we get started each contestant gets a chance to exchange greetings with their loved one (damn, I did it). BT starts out with a simple, “Hello family, I sure miss you.” Then we get a shot of what appears to be BT’s three children, two boys and a girl. Wait a second, are you kidding me...that big kid is her husband???? He’s half her fricken age....can you say....DEBB. After waiting awhile for a response from her, ahem, family BT jokes, “Dale must be typing, that’s why it’s taking them so long.” Well, that’s what you get when you marry a high school sophomore...my guess is he hasn’t had typing yet.

Next up is Lislis...and I can I just say for the record that Lislis’ family scares the hell out of me. Lislis writes, “love you bunches, miss you more..safe and sound” and her father and brother stare at the thing like they’re trying to solve one of those math equations from “Goodwill Hunting”.

Kentucky Jonesing is next to cry and Just Probst has to read the message for him cause he’s all choked up.....can I just say that this is getting ridiculous, do we really need to see this gratuitous and extremely cheap show of emotion....I guess when your show is providing nothing in terms of emotion or excitement, you get desperate and resort to the oldest and easiest tricks in the book...the ole’ phone call home routine...ya know, they should’ve skipped the scene and just spliced in that one scene from “Midnight Express” where the guy’s girlfriend goes to visit him in the Turkish prison...”PUT IT UP AGAINST THE FUCKING GLASS!!”

Next up is KKK, and since they couldn’t find anyone out there that actually loves this @sshole, they paid some hooker off the street $100.00 to be on the other end of the chat....which is actually more money than she usually gets for this type of gig. JP inadvertently (I think) comes up with his best line ever as KKK takes a seat...

JP: ”Hey KKK, we’ve got Katherine on the other end, does that name ring a bell?”

KKK: “No, not really.”

JP: “ya know, your sweetie.”

KKK: “still drawing a blank.”

JP: “remember, the girl you met and subsequently got really really drunk at the Beverly Hills Hotel when you were out in LA for the final auditions for this show.”

KKK: “Oh yeahhh, that’s right...if I remember correctly, I was great that night. But, hey, you can tell that gold digger that I demand a blood test cause I pulled out way early!” (sorry, but any time you can sneak a classic Bill Murray line into a summary you just gotta go for it)

Apparently, KKK and his woman have such cute nicknames for each other...she calls him “Meal-ticket” and he calls her “Cum-dumpster”. KKK writes, “Hello Cum-dumpster, I miss you so much and uhmm, what are you wearing?” Katherine responds, “Hello Meal-ticket, where did you put your ATM card...I’ve searched everywhere.”

Next up on the “Crying Game” is the Colbster. JP informs him that his mom and only his mom is on the other line. I guess she’s schizo cause the Colbster writes, “Hello gang...the Colbster is still alive. I love you.” Then he tells JP that, “the best thing is to be able to let her know that I’m still okay...it’s so much more than a mother/son relationship.” Oh no, not another one....these people are disgusting. Of course the Colbster’s mom has the flag of sweet Jesus lovin’ Texas hanging prominently in the background...let me tell you what a big surprise that was.

And now, we can finally start the challenge...wait a second, I thought that WAS the challenge. Talk about a pointless five minutes...oh who am I kidding, like I had anything else to do.

The Colbster goes first, but is immediately disqualified when he leaves the chat-room in search of www.XXXfantasies.com. Kentucky Jonesing soon joins him...oh, don’t act so surprised.

Here is a sampling of some of the questions that were posed:

***If a train leaves Sydney at 12:00 traveling westbound at 20mph...and a different train leaves Melbourne at 2:00 traveling eastbound at 30mph, what is 2+2?

***Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?

***Plaintiff purchases Blackacre from Defendant for $200,000. After signing the contract, but before taking possession, Plaintiff discovers, through a standard title search, that Whiteacre holds a negative easement right over Blackacre. Additionally, a cursory viewing of Blackacre reveals the presence of squatters. What remedies, if any, are available to Plaintiff? (Whoa sorry, just had an acid flashback to the Bar Exam....which I passed on the very first try, thank you very much JFK Jr.)

BT wins the competition with four correct answers. Before her chat, each contestant is given a chance for one last goodbye (hey Burn-it, ever heard of the term “gluttony”) KJ goes first and immediately shows us why we won’t see very many of his Critteroden, Ky high school students gracing the campuses of any of our country’s institutions of higher learning...”You would not believe the things I had saw and done.”

And then KKK found a way to top even my self-centered media-whoriffic stunt of this week....he actually proposed marriage over the internet to a hooker while filming a game show. Word to the wise....I’d be careful if I were you KKK, the last time I tried to propose anything to a girl over the internet she ended up being a 55 year old male vice cop....damn, let me tell you how embarrassing that was. Well anyway, Cum-dumpster said “Yes” , like that was a big shocker.

BT only managed to get out three questions during her half hour chat cause each question had to be proof read by a team of CBS lawyers....and then the chat abruptly ended when her son got board and switched over to a saved game of “Tomb Raider”, but BT seems energized anyway....”I’ve got eight more days....got it beat girl!” In case you’re a little slow, that is Burn-it’s clever way of telling us that BT wins this thing or at least makes it all the way to the end....but, anyone with a brain already figured that out so it really wasn’t necessary.

Back from the RC, the tribe feels energized by the brief contact with their family members (or prostitute). OMG <click>, Nick just made his first contribution to the tribe as BT and The Colbster toss around his frisbee...ya know, its pretty sad when your luxury item gets more air time than you did.

After yet another and completely unnecessary prayer scene, the tribe settles in for another rain soaked night.

DAY 35 Barramidriff Camp

Seriously, don’t you thing they can stop the whole “Barramidriff camp” references every time we come back from commercial.....there’s only one tribe now, which means there’s only ONE camp...so where the hell else would they be!?!

KKK and KJ wake up first and get about to re-starting the campfire that was extinguished in last night’s rain storm. Says KKK, “Starting fire in the morning is really really difficult, especially considering the fact that I keep either losing the matches or getting them wet.” But today, “luck” was on their side...”we were out just doing our normal bathroom break when I noticed smoke out on the horizon...we found a piece of tree that was smouldering from a forest fire that was probably two weeks old.” This show is getting ridiculous! First we have the drugged pig, then the forest fire, then the flood and now this, the eternal flame??? What a joke...hey, go ahead and start your fire, but Arlington Cemetery is gonna need that back before the first busload of tourists shows up!

As KKK marvels at the newly acquired fire, he takes his fellow Survivors for a nostalgic walk down History Channel Lane....”you can see how a caveman learned about fire and captured it, and then brought it back to his cave and that was it.” Replies KJ, “and that’s how they started having weed roasts.” WHAT??? I’m telling you, I rewound the tape a half dozen times and I swear to God (Psycho-Michael) that is exactly what he said. So, I guess those rumors about the Survivors getting their hands on some “Outback Homegrown” were true after all.

BT goes down by the beach where she is greeted by the sight of the old campsite, completely enveloped in the rushing Herbert River. As she watches what was left of their supplies being taken downstream by the current she says, “The river is running through our old camp...that is truly amazing.” Yeah, who’d a figured that after a week and a half of FLOODING that the creek bed would end up, oh I don’t know, actually housing a creek....it’s a good thing you guys continued to leave some of your supplies down there.....morons.

Oh great, here comes another dispute over the fucking rice. Says the Colbster in an interview, “We rationed the rice and KKK is cooking way too much rice for every meal.” KKK responds in an interview, “I’m doing a lot more of the cooking right now...it’s important to be able to do things that the other members of the group see as a value cause they’re the ones that make up the jury.” Future jury member Lislis is not impressed, “Our portions are huge, but he said that he knows what he’s doing cause he’s a big time chef...I think he just feels awfully comfortable with the fact that he’s gonna be in the final three or two.” And then she shoots him a dirty look behind his back...well, there’s another vote you aren’t getting, smart guy.

Then the Colbster comes over and yells at KKK about mixing the white and the brown rice...”My grandpa didn’t wear the confederate grey so his grandchild would have to eat brown rice mixed with white rice! See, its always something with you Yanks! First, you go ahead and let em’ vote, then you let em’ into our schools and now this!”

The astute KKK states in an interview, “it got me legitimately concerned...especially with Lislis right there chiming in..I thought there’s something going on here and I’m in a very vulnerable position.” Hey, give that man a Kew-pie doll! A vulnerable position....gee, ya think? Just wait to you get your arrogant ass in front of the jury....then we’ll talk vulnerable position.

Back to the argument, the Colbster continues, “everyone knows that brown rice does not yield the same amount as white rice.....and you know why that is....it’s because brown rice is genetically inferior to white power rice.” In an interview, the Colbster states, “he’s a fool, the guy is a bozo.” OMG <click>, Shakes is really Kant-Kook-Keith! Colbster continues, “I don’t like the way he’s playing the game....my game with KKK is done, it’s over.” So, with the magical wave Burn-it’s mis-directional wand, we now know for sure that KKK and the Colbster will definitely vote the same this week.....this show is soooo predictable, you don’t need to be Jesus to figure out that the boot order’s gonna be KJ then the Colbster followed by Lislis, and then KKK loses the million to BT in a vote of either 7-0, 6-1 or 5-2. Game over.

Back from commercials, we have moved onto the exciting topic of how bored everyone is. Says KKK, “its not unusual to sit and look at the fire for an hour, we’ll sit around and KJ will role up one of his famous “backwoods blunts” and then we’ll trip out and stare at the flames.”

The Colbster agrees, “the fire becomes what’s been referred to as Outback television...you’ll sit and stare at an ember and see how long it takes to burn or how long it takes a log to burn in half and collapse. You color in the coloring book or you play a few games of backgammon or you get into a conversation with someone that you forgot you had three days ago. Cold, <censored by Shakes>, wet...none of that can compare to the boredom, it doesn’t even fit into the same category as far as I’m concerned.” Oh yeah, you want to talk about boredom, try watching 5-8 @ssholes sit around and talk about how bored and <censored by Shakes> they are every god damned week for ten straight weeks. Fuck you and the horse you rode out on last week.

Kentucky has a different approach to the boredom...”I can’t handle all this sitting around so I got a side job as a production assistant...ya know I do a lot of different things such as setting up the lights, carrying equipment, cleaning the latrines back at base camp, running the dailies back to the editing bay...ya know, it’s not very challenging work, but it keeps me out of trouble.”

The Colbster has noticed KJ’s extra effort around the campsite, “We’re not just playing for ourselves, were also playing for those who are deserving to be here....KJ, Lislis and BT are all deserving to be in the final three. As far as KKK goes, there’s not anything outstanding or phenomenal that has kept him in the game.” I’m sorry, but I got to interrupt all this KKK bashing for just a little bit of perspective. What exactly have Lislils and KJ done to deserve being in the final three besides being the two weakest members of the Kucha tribe??? Last I checked, KKK stood on a fucking log for ten hours to avoid elimination after the merge....and I hate to break it you Cobster (no I don’t...what a stupid expression), but if KKK hadn’t stayed on that log, you’re @ss would’ve been long gone by now and we’d be staring at an all-Kucha final five.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Papillon meets Chains of Love

For this challenge the Survivors are shackled at their hands and legs....JP explains that there are eight stations, each one has a question based on a story he is about to tell them, get the question right and you get a key to unlock one of your locks...the first person to unlock all five locks and bring them back to the finish line wins that stupid necklace that Greg Brady wore while surfing in Hawaii (don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about). JP then tells them a story about how convicts used to escape from prison only to meet certain death while trying to survive the harsh conditions of the Outback. Does this all sound familiar...it should cause it’s a carbon copy to last season’s final-5 IC with the handheld video cameras and the masks. Well, obviously some of this year’s cast has a good sense of history as KJ pays homage to Rudy with his performance...as you’ll see in a couple of minutes. Lislis is immediately knocked out of the running when she gets stuck on JP saying the word “exasperated” early on in the story....even after raising her had and saying “I don’t get it.” JP still refuses to repeat the story, or explain what the word means.

As the challenge starts the Survivor’s go struggling out into the night. KKK and The Colbster get out to a fast start....KJ approaches one of the questions, “In which season is the seven sisters constellation not visible..summer or winter? Uhmmmm, I dunno.”

Lislis and BT also get a couple wrong....and then we see the Colbster doing his best impersonation of Dustin Hoffman as “Ratso” in “Midnight Cowboy” as tries to run with one leg shackled and one leg free. “Hey, I’m walking here!”, he screams as he nearly collides with a fellow contestant on his way through the competition.

KJ/Rudy tries his luck with another question, “Which animal is a better source of protein, insects or lizards? Uhmmm, I dunno.”

KKK has two locks open, the Colbster has two locks and KJ, well, KJ’s having a little trouble....here let’s take another look....”death by dehydration occurs how many times faster than death by starvation, 10x or 5x? Uhmmm, I dunno.”

In the end, KKK is the first to get all five locks open, and then while making a mad dash to the finish line he manages to drop one of the locks...of course, Mr. Arrogance decides not to stop and take a look even though it’s obvious he knew that he dropped something. When he gets to the finish line, JP is too quick to fall for the bluff, “KKK, that’s just four, you gotta have all five to win, bud (light).” As KKK scurries off to find the missing lock (get it?), the Colbster sneaks in and steals yet another IC from KKK. That’s three in a row, if anyone’s counting...and you better believe BT is.

DAY 36

Back at Camp, it’s time to start the part of the show where Burn-it makes us think one person is going when anybody with half a brain (sorry Lamber) knows that someone else is definitely getting the boot. Tonight’s obvious target is a Kucha, but Burn-it tries to make us think that the Coblster will join up with Kucha and get rid of KKK...how stupid does Burn-it think we are??? There is NO WAY the Colbster would do something so stupid...if he gets rid of KKK, he’ll enter the final four with the most previous votes and therefore, be easy pickings for Lislis and KJ....this show is sooo obvious and predictable right now.

KJ says in an interview, “I got the impression it would probably be myself or Lislis (gee really)...BT asked me who needed the money the worst, me or Lislis. And I told her that Lislis did.....” Alright, time out....you know, there’s really nothing funny in this next scene so I’m not even gonna bother trying. Basically, Lislis cons KJ into thinking that she needs the money even though her future fiance is about to receive an NFL quarterback contract, so KJ does what he thinks is the honorable thing and asks BT to vote him out instead of Lislis. Great, I hate it when they’re nice...it makes my job that much harder. Stupid hick!

Then we get the usual mis-directional crap, which I’ll skip cause it’s all bullshit.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury comes in and of course media-whore supreme Scerri takes the first seat, thereby assuring that her scowl will be most noticeable to the cameras.

BT responds to a question about paranoia, “you see some people whispering and you’re like OMG <click> I could go tonight.” Oh, who are you kidding ya lying b!tch, you aren’t going anywhere, and you know that better than anybody.

And then we get to here more of that crap from Lislis about how when KJ molests her, it reminds her of home and her real father. Everyone is warmed by their mutual affection and even the people of the jury uncharacteristically break out into a smile...except Scerri of course, who still for some reason thinks this show is about her.

KKK then shows us the depths of his intelligence with this brilliant remark about blowing yet another IC, “that’s the way the cookie crumbles, and that’s the way the game was played and it was all fair, and I dropped a lock and it was my faux pas, and what are you gonna do, you can’t cry over spilled milk, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and you shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch, and fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” Faux Pas...what an ass! As they go to vote it looks like the Coblster has a faux pas of his own and he’s wearing it on his head.

JP tallies the votes and shocker of all shockers, Kucha votes for KKK and the Ogalliance votes for KJ.....see ya later you non-swimming, bible thumping, no strategy, can’t play the game, good for nothing hick. And call me, we’ll do lunch. Us whores got to stick together.

Next week on Survivor, Sly Sperling from the “International Hair Club for Men” makes a surprise visit to Baramidriff Beach and helps Lislis out with her new problem.

KJ’s final words were about as uneventful as his twelve week stay on the show.