LAST EDITED ON 03-27-05 AT 02:25 PM (EST)

Official American Idol Summary: Finals,
Week Two
"Oops! (So) We did it Again!"

But first, a few disclaimers:

1. This is my first ever summary, despite my having been round these parts since way too long. I was always kowed by the quality of the summary writers here. But I figured, this is American Idol, right? What's the worst that can happen? I write a semi-informative song list, make a few lame jokes and have everyone take pity on me and pick the one halfway funny joke I managed to stumble across and praise it. Hopefully.

Then what do these funking idjits do? Oops. The geniuses prepared a taped show, added funked up graphics telling everyone to vote twice for Carrie and not at all for Mickalaka (I've given up trying to spell this funked up name.). And the problem is?

I suppose, tho', the looming lawsuit by the loser and the vision of added ad revenue dancing in their heads gave FOX and 19 Ent. serious pause. Then they got an idea, they got a wonderful, awful idea. Repeat the whole thing, but add new sh!t too! I wrote a pome in tribute to our collective dilemma:

So here I sit, broken hearted. Buggy's fingers are sore and I get the uncharted.

Bear with me as I try to make this work. This? Is what I get for making fun of the length of Estee and landru's prior “summaries.”

2. I was afraid to consciously or subconsciously steal anyone else's thoughts or witticisms about this week, so I purposely avoided the forum, with the exception of the thread about the revote. If I appear to be copy half the posters here in my summary, great minds and all that, mmm' kay? There are just so many bad 80s hairdo jokes out there, ya know?

3. I am tone deaf, but I still have a strong attachment to my opinion, which is pervasive throughout. I am not sexist, racist, sizeist, genreist, or otherwise-ist. But I like to poke fun. And sometimes I just make up nasty crap to say because being nice isn't very funny. Join me or tell me I'm an evil nasty beyotch. Either way, it's more replies to my thread, so it's all good.

And on with the show ... !

American Idol Final 11 - Tuesday night - The first time.

The show opens with our host Ryan Seacrest, never one to disappoint, coming out looking as ridiculous as ever what I swore were leather pants (but upon further viewing appear to be over-pressed, shiny slacks) and “I *heart* expensive t-shirts” formalwear . (He gets the memo, cuz on Tuesday he wears a blazer to cover his smartass saying t-shirt.) Ryan gets us all fired up for the most difficult test yet. Yawn.

The sideshow act “judges” are relegated to their proper place and are barely even introduced. Paula and Simon are holding hands and they’re grinning like a couple of teenagers the morning after the prom. No time to waste letting them speak. 11 “Singers,” smarmy Ryan filler, and 45 minutes of Ford ads is a lot to cram into an hour show.

It's Billboard's #1 Hits night! Oooh, this could be good. Fred Bronson, author of the Billboard bible, tells us there are 930 songs to choose from!!! All top hits! The each got their own book. Plenty of time to look for something really unique, but well known. How could anyone go wrong with so many great songs to choose from? Brace yourselves, folks. As I have come to learn watching reality tv, anything is possible. This becomes painfully obvious approximately 35 minutes in and reaches peak crescendo at :44 after the hour. It’s not pretty – don’t say you weren’t warned. . Note to future Idol contestants, just because it was number one once, doesn’t mean it’s any good, nor does it mean you’ll sound any good doing it.

First up, Anthony Federov, singing Waiting for Me (Aretha Franklin/George Michael , 1987) because, as he tells us, something special really is waiting for him. I? Am not overly impressed. He's got chops alright but a few flat notes. Let’s put it this way: When the river was deep, he may not have faltered, but when the notes were deep, he did. And I could really have done without watching his hips pumping back and forth. It was seriously distracting me from staring at the scar on his neck.

Randy pauses a moment to pick up the original artists' names, which he managed to drop, and declares, in relatively coherent English, that Anthony is BACK!

Paula says something encouraging. Does anybody really care what it was? And she has a bit of a glazed look over her eyes. Has she been imbibing before the show? Stay tuned...

It was merely “Ok” for Simon, who compared Anthony doing “sexy” to Randy appearing on Baywatch. Ouch.

If you want to vote for Anthony, dial 1-866-IDOLS-01. Go ahead. Spend two hours dialing frantically. It won’t matter a whit. But you don’t know that yet, so shhh.

Carrie Underwood is up next, singing Heart's 1987 hit Alone. What, was the Billboard book’s spine broken open on 1987? Not exactly what I would call a banner year for memorable quality music.

Girlfriend has really gotten into the spirit with the hairdo. I had hair like that in '87 and a yearbook photo to prove it. I am pretty sure I single-handedly created the hole in the ozone layer. Anyway, I'm relatively confident she'll look back 18 years from now and have the same reaction I had Tuesday night. Note to self: Join activist campaign to prevent the return of anything related to 80s fashion, ever.

And to accelerate the way back mobile, we get a Donnie Osmond sighting in the audience! Does Carrie remind anyone else of a blond Marie?

Randy claims she's unbelievable, and Paula plays the name-dropping game herself, proclaiming Carrie has done her friends the Wilson sisters proud. And she claps like a seal. What is up with that? I really think she's drunk.

Soothsayer Simon fast forwards from 1987 to 2007 and predicts Carrie will win the competition and outsell all of the other idols combined or some such nonsense.

We cut to a commercial and I believe I dozed off, briefly dreaming of driving my Ford truck with Sandra Bullock over to Sears to shop with Ty Pennington. Then we were thirsty, so we got some Coke with lime and used our Cingular cell phones to order the Fat Albert DVD, but not before checking the parental guidelines for the NAACP Image awards, where some bratty child announces he hates Nanny Jo. Weird dream, huh?

And we’re back, being actually introduced to Donny Osmond, who was in the audience to discover the rare breed he’s never seen – a number one hit. I’m glad they panned over him earlier. The excitement may otherwise have been too much.

Scott Savol now sings to us - Against All Odds (Phil Collins, 1984). Special Significance. Something his dad could relate too. Ouch. And I thought I had it bad with my dad.

I can't really comment on the quality of the vocals, I was too preoccupied with his swaying back and forth like a metronome. I was a little worried he was stuck, then I half wanted to give him a little shove to prove once and for all Weebles can fall down. Then, for either dramatic effect or because he’s endorsing laser eye surgery, he tossed his glasses away. And I know it’s too soon, but I can't help myself – I think Terri Schiavo has more personality than his guy.

The judges liked it. Randy said a whole lot of dawgman, the only portion of which I could understand was “On & Poppin,” and I use the term “understand” lightly. Paula says pretty much the same thing, only in English, more or less, saying Scott's “In it to win it,” before once again clapping like a seal. I wonder if Paula does other tricks? A ball on the nose would be great, so long as it covers her mouth. Simon braces us, saying he’s going to {gasp!} be honest! The vocal was not that good and he was glad the song wasn’t longer or we’d have had a full on striptease. You and me both, Simon, you and me both.

Bo Bice graces us with a New Bo (not to be confused with Newbie), and does Jim Croce's 1973 Time in a Bottle, and with clean hair even. Tuesday must have come around on the shower schedule again. Eh, I like Rocker Bo better. And what was that shirt? It looked like a Christian kaleidoscope. I’m not sure which I liked least, the shirt or the soul patch. Good grief, one or two more strokes with your razor and you’re clean shaven. Did you get distracted and just forget to finish?

Randy says the outfit is fly, and Bo was subdued. Paula thinks he's dreamy. Simon says Bo's the only competitor who doesn't seem like he's competing. Paula has apparently gotten a good buzz going and gives Simon the smooch of approval. Because his repeated rebuffs and restraining orders have failed to get the point across to Paula, Simon tried once again by telling Bo he and Paula have the same hair.

Commercial break. Did you ever actually sit and count commercials? Wow, there are a ton of em eh? Beauty Shop, Penneys, Halls Fruit Breezers, Blockbuster, … it just goes on & on. Of note, Reuben is guest-starring on the new Fox show Life on A Stick, as a singing hot dog vendor. If these are the types of gigs the Idol winner’s contract are made of, no wonder Mario ran like the wind.

Next up, Ozzie Nikko Smith, giving us his rendition of the 2000 hit Incomplete by Sisqo. Please don't tell me I'm the only one who never, ever heard this song before. Was I in a cave in 2000? And whatever happened to Sisqo anyway? Cripes, well, at least it's not an 80s song.

Nikko must have gotten there late, because he proceeds to shed his overcoat and top hat a few bars into the song. And from the looks of that suit, he came from a job interview. Can you blame him for considering his options? He’s already been canned once from this show. What is it about this guy I don’t get? He sings great but I get just a blah vibe from him.

Randy thinks Nikko is BACK! From where? Did he and Anthony run off somewhere over the weekend? Vegas, I bet, but I am sure we'll never know. You know what they say about what happens in Vegas. Paula prattles on for a while before announcing she is speechless. Someone get this lady a dictionary! Simon praises Nikko's performance and gets mauled by a grateful Paula, who I am now convinced is on Ecstacy. I’ve been to enough Phish and Widespread Panic shows to know the signs. All she needs is some glow bracelets and a blow pop.

Vonzell Solomon's turn to entertain us with Best of My Love, a 1977 diddy by the Emotions. She and her daddy always loved this song. She's good. I may finally remember she is in this competition. Randy, ever original, steals Paula’s comments from a few singers back and says Vonzell’s “in it to win it” and cries “Vonzell is BACK!” Seriously, Anthony, Nikko AND Vonzell were missing? They really need to increase security. Paula is next and I have but one question. Is she part seal? Simon agrees with (ack!) me, saying she'll finally be remembered.

Constantine Maroulis makes all-time bizarrest song choice and actually pulls off a groovy, rocking rendition of I Think I Love You, a 1970 Partridge Family hit. David Cassidy, eat your heart out! I'm not sure the blazer and shiny striped pashmina were the best pick out of the closet though. And good news is it was an upbeat song, so there was less time for the pouty-lipped sexy camera stares. I like him, especially tonight.

Randy thought it was a little over the top theatrically. No, really, overacting and the Partidge Family? You don’t say. Paula comments on his showmanship. Says he is an excellent entertainer with an amazing girl fan-base. Simon says “odd fit” and uses a classic SAT metaphor to describe what he witnesses: Constantine is to the Partridge Family as a guard dog is to a leather clad poodle.

Nadia Turner likes artsy-fartsy songs, so she picked Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper (1984). Well, she got ½ of artsy-fartsy right. And it was certainly deadly, but unfortunately not silent. Why would you pick a Cyndi Lauper song? Isn't the whole point of this competition to prove you can carry a tune? I cringed. I covered my face. I slapped myself for liking Cyndi Lauper when I was 12. And the ‘do. Oh my heck. It was Blade Runner glam. That shirt was a Project Runway reject, I am sure of it! Oh, and Nadia? Grace Jones called and wants her hair back - And she’s taking the banana clip out. Randy likes the Mohawk, Paula says she’s still a star but forgot to mention she svcked. Nobody liked it and Simon even invoked the cruise ship analogy insult. For Nadia! At least she wasn't lounge singer or karaoke bad.

More commercials. Of note, the AARP wants you to call your congresscritter and tell them the new Social Security plans svcks. FWIW, they’re right {/end PSA}
Aside from social security, the other thing that makes no sense this commercial break is Pamela Anderson is a show about a bookstore. Just sayin’.

Just before Michaelkaka Gordon take the stage, Ryan tells us to brace ourselves. (He wasn’t kidding.) Time for a snack break? Crap, I have to watch this, huh? Before her performance, Mikalala proudly proclaims this performance is going to bring her back from the brink of loserdom. Sweetie, word of advice – you are no Ms. Cleo. I have to watch her butcher Taylor Dayne's 1990 Love Will Lead You Back. I plugged my ears after 12 seconds and I am proud of my fortitude.

I also need to put out a joint fashion and PETA alert: If someone’s peacock is missing, it's currently trying to choke off Mickalalala's voice. I'm pulling for the peacock. Everyone though she was wretched. Randy misses the young, overly hyper Michaliah. Paula says she loves her and is still rooting for her. This is proof that X will definitely make you love so crazy things. Simon says what we are all thinking – it was a total mess. Please, oh please let her be gone soon.

Anwar Robinson attempts Chaka Kahn's 1983 Ain't Nobody. As per S.O.P, Anwar starts out shaky and brings it on at the end. And I know they want to make their outfit fit the song, but it looked like he was having a whole lot of trouble with those platform shoes he was wearing. Weren’t platforms out by 83? Paula is now peaking on her X and really shaking her groove thang. Randy says ambitious song choice, great big note at the end. Paula is proud of him and proves conclusively that she is indeed part seal, but Simon thought it was not that good. I don't care. The man exudes sexiness and his voice is like silk. I'll have more than one dream about him for sure. And no way he goes home any time soon.

Commercials. Anybody see The Ring Two? Was it any good? FYI, Life on a Stick premiers tomorrow after American Idol at 9:30. (Hee hee, guess again.)

Jessica Sierra tries a competition-saving performance and kicks it hard with Total Eclipse of the Heart, a Bonnie Tyler classic from 1983. I suppose she’s pretty decent, but I can't get over the Cleopatra maternity shirt. And did she run out of blonde hair dye and hope we didn’t see the ends? Cuz that couldn’t have been on purpose. Randy says Jessica's BACK! STFU, Randy, or consult your phrase script. I'd rather hear 23 “Dawgs” before one “you're back!” (Can you tell I am losing my patience with Randy?)

Paula says it was a great job and she’s proud. Is there anything this woman is NOT proud of? Simon: you and Carrie outsung the lot of ‘em.

Then they show us the numbers one more time, just so we know exactly the right numbers to call. The lines are now open for your practice round votes.

Déjà vu night or “No, we can’t proofread” night

Ryan welcomes us to the show none of us were expecting. And goes on to explain the goof-up of putting the wrong numbers up for the last 3 contestants, using a very sophisticated graphic to do the pointing out. I haven’t seen that big pointy finger hand since the world series, game 4.

All of last night’s votes are null and void. Thanks for nothing, Buggy, True and the rest of the dialing public. But on the plus side, text votes from last night will not be charged. Then Ryan proceeds to congratulate us for this little bonus. Congratulations? Seriously, he’s been putting telling people they are safe for so long now, everything is a congratulatable event? Oooh, and Ryan tells us you are even allowed to vote if you didn’t last night. That’ll get me dialing. Not.

Once again we are “treated” to Anthony Federov, singing Waiting for Me (Aretha Franklin/George Michael , 1987). At this point I am already waiting for this show to end. I so did not sign up for this. Everyone stands by their opinion. Simon goes so far as to say karaoke. Anthony shrugs his incredibly pale, yet surprising built shoulders and it’s on to …

Carrie Underwood. You know what? I’m not going to repeat what they sang. Scroll up, you lazy bastiges. Does anyone else think this has to be a fake name? Does anything sound more Country than Carrie Underwood? We see her sing

Paula and Randy think it’s way too early to be crowning winners like Simon did last night. I agree. She may be good, even the best there, but heaven’s knows the American public almost never votes the way they should.

Carrie has always looked familiar to me but once I saw her Tuesday shirt now I know why. She’s the spitting image of my pregnant Oktoberfest waitress.

Whew! In case you were concerned, have no fear – Life on A Stick will now premier on Thursday, after the results show. What exactly got cancelled, btw?

Ryan introduces our next contestant, Scotty the Body. Scotty the Body? Did he just say that? I smell a nightmare in my future. Thank you, Ryan. We watch, again.

Scott feels pretty good. Simon says the vocals were poor and he is in the real world and Paula and Randy are in La la land. If Simon thinks he lives in the real world, I’d like to trade him for my fairytale land. He can balance my checkbook, wash the dog and make the next days lunches all at the same time, while I get paid to insult people on national tv.

Once again, we remind you the two hours of dialing you did last night doesn’t count and you are a total sucker.

Bo Bice up again. Golly, I’m getting bored. Not so much with Bo’s performance, but in general, with this show. I mean, reruns are generally ok when you haven’t seen it in a few years. A few hours, otoh, and it’s sheer torture. Bo tells us he did the song because he loves Jim Croce. And a collective sigh of relief goes through the crowd when he announces he won’t cut his hair, because without his mane, he’d probably sound really, really bad.

Nikko sings again. This is now the second time in my life I’ve heard Incomplete by Sisqo. Randy says best of the night. I doze off and miss what Paula and Simon have to say, if anything.

Vonzell again. Then she talks about her shoes. Does anyone else notice how they make her as tall as Ryan?

Holy Christmas, this replay is hideously boring. And Paula’s sober. Bummer.

Constantine didn’t bother to shave before the show, just to prove he’s more of a man that David Cassidy will ever be. He admits the song was a bit tongue in cheek. Paula says she’s sure his “girl fans” will want to put their tongues in his cheek. According to Ryan, Paula gets it but apparently, but Simon will never get any it. Ryan really needs to watch it with the ad libs. When they go through my dirty mind filter and involve Simon, I get queasy.

Nadia channels Cyndi again. I was really hoping she’d pick a different song for the replay show. Fast-forward video. She says she would have done the same thing all over again. After having a chance to watch it! Ugh. Some people never learn. And the Mohawk was for Mario? WTF? A dollar to the first person who can tell me what that’s about.

The mention of Mario settles an uneasiness upon the stage. And just in time for
Mickaiela. I wasn’t sure it was possible but she is even worse the second time round. And the girl has no shame. Her “It’s my job to annoy you” t-shirt admits to intentional crimes against humanity. Make it stop NOW!

When asked how she’d rate her performance, she said “If I were really good, I wouldn’t need to be here. All my great fans will give me another chance. Have you seen my pom poms?” She, too, has always reminded me of someone, but now I have it – She’s the Long Island Amanda Bynes on pseudoephedrine.

After Anwar’s encore, he stands on stage while Randy and Paula argue who deserves the props – Simon for saying Anwar’s no Chaka Kahn, or Anwar for his own vocals. Anwar says he wants to be something that hasn’t been done before. I wonder if he’s taking suggestions, because “Spidey’s personal, serenading love slave” has never been done before.

At last, Jessica’s video performs. From the look on his face, Simon wants this over as much as I do. Jessica talks about the pressure to bounce back after being it the bottom three and believes she picked the song to do it with.

One last time, those two hours last night (not to mention the one beforehand watching), were a complete and utter waste of time you will never get back. Now go do it again. If we feel like re-doing this again tomorrow we will. And you will watch and you will vote.

The results show (finally!)

Ryan welcomes us for the 3rd time this week, it what he claims has been controversial week already and only getting more dramatic. I dunno. Annoying maybe but controversial? Cone on. In the grand scheme of things this week, amidst unconstitutional congressional overreaching, the sweet 16 in NCAA basketball, Barry Bonds out for the next baseball season, is the fact that 30 some odd million people partook in a useless 2 hour endeavor really that much of a controversy?

Ryan: The votes are in, Who’s out? The cutting continues live, next on Idol. (Seriously, if this doesn’t end soon, I will be doing some cutting of my own. Get a towel handy, please)

We are reminded this is the best eleven America could come up with out of 100,000 who auditioned. Then, we are shown a brief recap of Tuesday, including our now-famous pointing finger hand graphic. The result, finally, are coming up, after 31 ½ million votes. Seriously, you people really DID all call in again, huh? I’m impressed.

And now we get to hear the 2nd option for the Red Cross single, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. Ok, I like this song and it’s the Red Cross, which I can’t make fun of. Yes, even I have my limits.

Oh, but this Ford commercial with the idols as Lilliputians? This I can make fun of. But there is really no need, because the actual witnessing of the event is better than any joke I could come up with. This one is permanently saved to my dvr.

Ryan reminds us only last nights votes count and that people will have something to say tomorrow. Makes me wonder if there is a surprise in store tonight. Hmmm.

And now Ryan tells us it’s time to get down to business. What the heck, why not? We’re only 11 minutes in to a ½ hour show, after all.

OMH, Ryan is recapping the judges comments, which were reinforced on Wed., after having been aired on Tuesday and recapped already once this ½ hour. So since we all have these comment memorized by now, I give you the nitty gritty:

Nikko – safe

Consty – safe

Carrie – safe

Bo- safe

Nadia – Bottom 3. (I TOLD her Cyndi Lauper was a bad idea. Now I am getting concerned)

Jessica – Safe

Michalea – Bottom 3

Scott – Safe

Anwar, Vonzell, Anthony – America voted and Anwar, I’m afraid tonight …. You and the other 2 are going to have to wait until after the break. Who didn’t see that one coming?

Incase you hadn’t heard, Life on a Stick is up next. This time we mean it. I sure hope it’s good, because this is a whole lot of build-up and suspense for what appears to be a really bad sitcom idea.

And we’re Back – Anthony joins Nadia and Michalalala to round out the bottom 3. After being told by Randy that Nadia is better and that Paula loves them all, Anthony gets to sit back down. Safe for another week.

Nadia or Michaelelya - Do we have a travesty on our hands? Find out after the break.

When we return, Nadia STILL has no regrets. And she called the Mohawk “little.” She is clearly delusional, Delusional but lucky.

Mickaella is out

She tells us in her loser clip that she would like to be famous because “I can’t clean I can’t cook and I can’t walk my own dog.” Hell, she shouldn’t brag. I can’t cook or clean either and I’m twice her age. And she may be famous, but my eyebrows don’t look nearly as fake.

See ya, Michaela, I can’t say you’ll be missed. My dvr mercifully cuts out as she begins to sing again. Finally, something goes my way this week. And with that…

Spidey OUT!