TSI Episode 1: Genie’s Still In the Bottle

Just when you thought it was safe on RTVW…TSI is back!

*three little old ladies applaud *

Thanks, girls. Your check’s in the mail. Go back to your bingo game.

What is TSI? It’s the TAR Stupidity Index. It’s a glance back at each episode high points, low points, and stuff in between. As judge, jury, and executioner, I decide who gets rewarded, who gets penalized, and by how much. Over the past few seasons, the winner of TAR has typically turned out to be the team that has made the fewest mistakes and has avoided making a big nasty fatal error. Last season’s winner? That would be me, since I didn’t bother writing about the family version.

Here’s a brief summary of the rules:

- Each week, I will dole out penalties for those teams which make stupid decisions or just generally tick me off in one fashion or another. Those penalties will vary in size depending on their level of stupidity and/or my level of irritation. Each season, I name this penalty after someone or something in the realm of reality TV that stands as a symbol of inadequacy. This season’s penalty is named after the icon who attempted to host a reality show to choose the next employee of his company. Unfortunately, the main thing accomplished by the show was to demonstrate how boring he could be. In his dishonor, this season’s penalties will be named after the host whose show “The Cut” quickly went out of style, Tommy Hilfigger.

- On a rare occasion, I will reward teams for doing something that could lead to success in the game. I will not necessarily do this every episode. This season, this award will be named after the host whose show is still successful even after all of these seasons. Other hosts may come and go, and their feeble attempts have shown that succeeding at this is much harder than it looks. So in his honor, the reward is named after Jeff ”Jiffy” Probst.

- This is not a democracy. If you disagree with my decision, or think I missed something, well, here’s a quarter, call someone who cares. I probably will miss something, since I am the trainer for the young men who will win TAR in about 20 years. If one of them needs a diaper change, or wants a story read before bedtime, then I’ll miss something on TV. (The boys still are working on the “don’t interrupt Mommy during her reality shows” part of the guidelines.) But that doesn’t mean I care whether or not everyone agrees with all of my decisions. If I can turn a blind eye when my young Bubba sticks out his lip and pouts, then I can ignore those of you in the peanut gallery.

- I may add more rules as this goes along. That’s one of the perks of creating these things – you can change them whenever you want.

Episode 1 Scores (Race standings in parenthesis):

1. Team Ray and Yolanda (7th in Race) – Sorry, no nickname for them yet. They didn’t really make that much of an impression on me during this episode. I’ll wait until I get inspired, and if I don’t, well, they might just end up getting called Team Boredom. We’ll see. Meanwhile, they do get one of the two Jiffy awards for this episode. Why, you may ask, am I rewarding boredom? Because Ray was put into the tough situation of watching men ogling and commenting on his lovely lady, and was able to keep his cool, even though he was obviously bothered. That sort of restraint and level-headedness could serve him quite well in this game. And the hotheads, while they add drama, never end up hearing the magic words “You are the winners of The Amazing Race”. Remember Wil of Wil and Tara? Jonathan of Jonathan and Victoria? So what if you remember them – neither one got a million.

Summary: 1 Jiffy, 0 Tommy

2. Team Tye-Dye (2nd in Race) – I took an immediate dislike to this team at the start, since Shaggy is no fun without the rest of the Scooby gang around. (You doubt me? Go check out how lame those silly Scrappy Doo cartoons were when they decided to replace the humans with an irritating dog. Besides, the Mystery Machine was cool. But I digress.) And their ridiculous dance when Phil said the words “one million dollars” was worth a Tommy. Needless to say, they earned another one when they broke into the “We’re Flying” dance during the Detour. Guys, this ain’t Dance Fever, it’s The Amazing Race. And they also lost points for not reading the clue thoroughly and heading over to the pilots instead of checking in with the dispatcher first. This time, it only allowed one team to get ahead of them, but careless mistakes like not thoroughly reading the clue can spell doom.

Before I get too harsh, I do have to point out that they earned the other Jiffy for the episode. While on the plane to San Paolo, they used the time to learn a few key Portuguese phrases so that they could compliment their cab driver and instruct him to pass other teams. Little courtesies like that can lead to a big payoff, and it didn’t cost them any time to make the effort.

Best quote about them: “They haven’t been smoking pot in awhile, I guess.”

Quotable quote by them: “So what if we didn’t wear deodorant this morning.”

Summary: 1 Jiffy, 7 Tommies

3. Team Idiots (Race leaders) – Hey, don’t blame me, Eric and Jeremy referred to themselves as idiots when they got to the Pit Stop. But just because they said they’re idiots doesn’t mean that they’ve proven it to the audience yet. There’s a reason these guys finished first during this leg, and it has nothing to do with their appearance. (That was just a perk for those of us who are into that sort of thing.) Their only stumble was forgetting which show they were on and yelling “No deal!” while driving along. Guys, Howie Mandel won’t help you on this one.

Summary: 4 Tommies

4. Team Salsa (3rd in Race) – I thought that Mommy was going to piss me off, but so far, daughter dear has been able to keep her in check. Besides, I’d rather have Mommy move in with me than listen to other contestants (*coughFrostiesLakeandanyonefromTARFamilycough*) for more than 2 minutes. Their only significant blunder of the leg was going to the wrong entrance for the Detour and falling behind several other teams. Then again, they weren’t the only ones who did.

Summary: 5 Tommies

5. Team Nerds (4th in Race) – They didn’t do anything great. They didn’t do anything horrible. Yeah, I know that some people might think that sharing all of that spit throughout the leg was pretty gross, but we fellow Geeks in Love liked seeing a reality show acknowledge that you don’t have to be one of the pretty people to get some. But that still didn’t save them from getting a Boredom Penalty for not doing anything significant to stand out.

Summary: 10 Tommies

6. Team Plastic (6th in Race) – They may call themselves MoJo, but I was so disgusted by the T-shirts that I refuse to use that nickname. Joseph, Joseph, Joseph, she can’t be that good. It’s bad enough that you actually wore the shirt in public, but to allow yourself to be filmed for television wearing it? Geez, let’s see if we can guess which appendage of yours is stowed in her backpack. So why Team Plastic? The other teams keep referring to her as Barbie, and well, the original Barbie has her whole giant plastic world.

Little Miss Monica also wins dishonorable mention for being the first contestant to approach a meltdown, when was near tears because they might not make the first flight on the first leg. Uh oh. If she’s that high strung already, she’ll be driving everyone – especially us viewers – nuts by the fourth leg. She might just make me miss Flo. A little.

And these folks couldn’t even get out of the first country without arguing with a cabbie. Yeah, that’s smart – piss off the guy you’re relying upon to get you where you need to be.

Quotable quote: “Oh, we redeemed ourselves.” – Uh, no. Avoiding elimination does not redeem your poor fashion choice.

Best quote about them: “She doesn’t hook up with Ken. This must be the new guy – anatomically correct.”

Summary: 20 Tommies

7. Team Double Duh (9th in Race) – The other teams refer to Dani and Danielle as Team Double D because of their names and the size of their, um, route markers. I had hope for these two when they showed the common sense to check arrival times before booking their initial flight, but that might have just been a fluke of good judgement. Given some of the, um, logic (a term I use quite loosely with them – probably not the only loose thing…but I digress) this team showed they probably got used to seeing D’s on their report cards too. Two women with no mechanical skill whatsoever choose assembling a motorcycle over sitting in a helicopter? And then, after they gave up, they decided to stay and watch other teams try, as if that could help them suddenly become mechanically inclined?

Best quote about them: “These girls are crazy!”

Summary: 25 Tommies

8. Team Tiara (10th in Race) – When I saw those loudmouths wearing the tiaras at the beginning of the episode, I knew what I would call them. So what if everyone else refers to them as the Frosties? I just keep picturing them with those stupid freakin’ tiaras. I had some hope when they kept coming up with humorous – or attempted humorous – comments. But then they would not.stop.screaming. Between my outbursts of SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP, I kept picturing myself bashing them upside the head with those stupid freakin’ tiaras. Plodding and farting and getting lost and SCREAMING will not win you a million bucks, chickies.

Quotable quotes: “Probably will eat monkey testicles or something.”

“I’m going to unsheath my womanhood.” Then they claimed to represent big-boned women. Um, I might be considered big boned, but I am definitely not represented by you.

“I thought Spanish was the universal language.” - I’ll remember that during the Beijing Olympics.

“What’s that smell? Did you fart?”

“I’m about to pee in my pants!….Grab a big load of turds!…I’m peeing in my pants!”

(reading a street sign) “Frederico Abracadabra” – Yeah, hooked on phonics worked for you.

Summary: 30 Tommies

9. Team Cavity (5th in Race) – He’s a dentist, she’s his dental assistant. Both of them are as appealing as a drill without Novocain. Again, a woman claims to be representing me – since she claims to be the epitome of Southern wifedom – and again, it’s a swing and a miss. These both seem to be missing something in the mortal soul department, which is why I think cavity is an appropriate term for these two.

Of course, I was LMAO when Mr. Know-It-All showed that his deficiency in basic reading skills right at the start. They stop and call ahead for plane reservations, since he didn’t read the entire clue. He didn’t realize that the part about not making plane reservations over the phone applied to him too. That kind of arrogance can lead to fatal errors. I can hope.

He did show some redeeming qualities during the Detour. First, he was actually capable of completing the task, unlike other teams that made that choice. And he did want to offer some help to the older couple after he completed the task. But no good deed goes unpunished, as his not-so-lovely wife showed her shrewish side when sniping at him not to help them. Yeah, why would he want to keep a slower, less fit team in the game for them to compete against? Better to let the weak go early and force them to face the tougher teams down the road. (/sarcasm)

Quotable quotes: “My name’s Lake…like the ocean.”

Best out-of-context quote: “Get in the hole…right in there…”

Summary: 35 Tommies

10. Team Spectacles (8th in Race) – As in, “honey, where are my spectacles?” I picture these two sitting in the recliners, trying to figure out why they can’t read the newspaper. Or I picture the two of them, walking by the clue box on the Viaduto Santa Efigenia. And then doing that again. And doing it again. I started to respect my elders again when she claimed she would be able to put together the motorcycle, but then she couldn’t even find the engine on the thing. At this point, I’m nervous that they’ll walk into a revolving door and forget how to get back out.

Quotable quote: “Our forte was our mental ability.” Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Summary: 50 Tommies

11. Team Fraidy Cat (ELIMINATED) – Did you know that the big fraidy cat hadn’t flown in 8 years because he was afraid of flying? If your answer to that question is no, then what television show were you watching last Tuesday night? It sure wasn’t The Amazing Race, since we were subjected to that little factoid almost as often as the Tiaras screaming throughout the episode.

But I am not sorry to see these two go. After all, watching people argue in a cab about the same thing over and over is not my idea of quality television. It just conjures up too many memories of traveling with my extended family. All they have to do is throw in a few “what makes you think you have time to go to the bathroom before the plane boards” arguments and a “I thought you packed the camera”, and it will be like my dad is sitting right beside me.

These guys were proof positive that Genie Power is no match for Brazilian traffic and a clueless cabbie. Major Nelson had lulled all Genie Power faithful into a false sense of complacency back in the ‘60s, and this will hopefully drag them into the 21st century.

Quotable quote: “We will not go on a little place, right?” From Colorado to Brazil? That’s some serious gas mileage. But seriously, after this many versions of the Race, how could you not know that at some point during the Race you would be forced to fly in something small? But thanks for foreshadowing to us dense viewers that it would happen in this very episode.

Quote of the night: “So many things were in his big huge fear closet, but he just ripped that closet open.” Insert coming out of the closet joke here.

Summary: 65 Tommies

Next week: Oh, big surprise – we’re moving on from a fear of flying to a fear of heights. What’s next, Joe Rogan’s going to come out and make them dangle from a helicopter? Did the Tiaras know something we didn’t about eating monkey testicles?