LAST EDITED ON 12-10-05 AT 00:48 AM (EST)

Official TAR8 Episode 11 Summary
"Fashion, Fairways, and Four Feisty Females"
By Jims02

Last Week on The Amazing Race
-The Weaver family confronts the Linzes about being Yielded.
-Two hot air balloons bump into each other.
-Teams sit around, waiting for Old Faithful to erupt.
-The Weavers and Bransens finish first and second, but are told the leg isn't over yet.

After the credits roll by, we pick up right where we left off. The Bransens and Weavers are running to Phil, expecting sweet Pit Stoppage in their future. Aha, but there's a twist! Phil tells them the leg isn't over yet and that they're still racing. Gawd. They're recapping the recap again. And I'm recapping the recap of the recap.

Phil, in one of his groovy voiceovers, tells us that teams must now travel to Dubois, Wyoming and find Turtle Ranch to get their next clue.

While the Bransen girls go off to complain about their starvation and general crabbiness, the Godlewskis are heading toward the ranch. But first, Christine has to chat with her good friend, the telephone operator, about their problems. That is, until Michelle, the Bane of All Joy & Happiness, yells at her to get back in the car.

The Weavers pull into a gas station to ask for directions to Turtle Ranch. One of the kids, let's call her Sally, wants to fill up the car while they're waiting around. Mama Weaver thinks that's a stupid idea. Even though gas is free to the teams and Sally's sitting around doing nothing, filling up is a bad strategy. Take that, OPEC.

Meanwhile, our favorite Bengals fans, the Linzes, arrive at the ranch and run to Phil. Phil tells 'em they're team number three, but, aha! There's a twist! This leg isn't over yet and that they're still racing. Shocking but true.

The Godlewskis pull into the ranch also. Knowing that they're hopelessly in last place, Christine begins to weep. She really hopes that they're not eliminated. Luckily for her, there's a twist! Aha! Phil tells them the leg isn't over yet and they're still racing. Interestingly, Christine continues to cry. Tears of joy? Probably not.

Amidst all these mixed blessings, the Bransens finally arrive at Turtle Ranch. Unfortunately, the ranch is closed and will open tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM. Instead of having a pitstop in the last episode, the producers decided to have a massive bunching point as a final "screw you" to the viewers at home. Last week's episode is officially moot.

Speaking of Turtle Ranch, the Weavers are having a sophisticated discussion right now about the subject. You see, Turtle Ranch is where they "make all the turtles." In fact, Turtle Ranch is the nations' largest turtle manufacturer. Located in sunny Wyoming, Turtle Ranch is the ideal place to visit for your turtle needs.

Eventually, all the teams arrive at Turtle Ranch. The Weavers, as usual, hide in their trailer, bitterly trashing the other teams. The unclean, Satanic families simply go to bed, like the little heathens they are.

The following morning, the gates to the ranch open and the teams sprint to their SUVs. For those of you keeping score, the Linzes are off first, followed by the Weavers, Bransens, and then the Godlewskis, in that order. They follow along a dirt path until they reach the clue box.

GuyLinz1 opens the clue. Detour! This week's Detour options are Pioneer Spirit or Native Tradition.

Pioneer Spirit
Step One - Each family must attach four wheels to a covered wagon.
Step Two - Then, get the horses and correctly hook them to the wagon.
Step Three - Ride that wagon to victory.
Length of Course - Quarter Mile
McDonald's Hamburger - Quarter Pounder
Oregon Trail - Best. Computer Game. Ever.

Native Tradition
Objective - Teams must carefully assemble a IndianNative American teepee using lots of poles and stuff.
Judge - Native American chief.
Jury - The viewers at home.
Executioner - The Philiminator.

The Linzes and Bransens opt to do the brainless, jock task (the wagons) and the annoying teams do the teepees. Oh goody. One of the Weaver girls thinks the Native American chief is "cute." That's right, Sally. The cute Native American chief is over there in Aisle 7 next to the turtles.

As the Weavers start getting the poles together, Christine Godlewski decides to go measure the pole distances with her feet. She discovers that each pole should be spaced exactly four Christine-footlengths apart. Exactly. No more, no less. Michelle, Queen of Parading Raining, snaps at her, hits her on the snout with a newspaper, and tells her she's wasting a lot of time.

The Linzes and the Bransens are having no trouble getting the wheels on the wagon. The Linz family finishes first and goes to get the horses. The Weavers have finally gotten the poles of the teepee up and are beginning to wrap the outer cloth around them. The Godlewskis, too busy scapegoating Christine, are a couple steps behind.

The Linz family finishes their wagon first and rides off into the quarter mile sunset, with the Bransens close behind them. They get their clues and depart. Teams must now travel to Cody, Wyoming and find the Irma, a tourist site named for Buffalo Bill's daughter. All four family members must get dressed in Western outfits and get their picture taken.

In the car, Megan Linz is telling her brothers about Buffalo Bill. Y'know, that big tall lumberjack guy with the blue ox? And didn't he have some magic beans or something? Megan's not too sure though. Remember, she's a product of the Ohio public school system.

The Weavers and Godlewskis, meanwhile, are now trying to connect the flaps of the teepee with pegs. Both teams are having trouble reaching the top ones. The Godlewski family has a great strategy. They're hopping on each other's shoulders and reaching them that way. Christine Godlewski is now literally carrying her entire team to victory. Or something like that.

The Weaver family finishes their teepee fairly easily while patronizing the Native American chief. It seemed to work, as the chief gives them their next clue. While the Weavers depart, Christine is still in a lot of pain. Those Godlewskis, even with their small body sizes, are pretty heavy. Which makes sense. Those girls ain't heavy. They're dense.

Eventually, Christine's dense sister pegs the flaps (no, that's not code), they get their next clue, and depart for Cody, Wyoming. The Linzes and Bransens are already there. Both teams have to stop and ask for directions, so the Linzes get to the Irma first.

They are greeted by a woman in a tacky, white dress. She sends them to the dressing rooms. The Bransens shuffle in moments later and try to break in, but are forced to sit in the Restaurant Booth of Anticipation.

While the Bransens sit, the Weavers are on the road! They've a-just passed them Pizza Huts, and they've been MIGHTY hunngry, but they ain't gawt nos moneys to spend. Dagnabbit. Thems smart. Almost as smart as the Godlewskis, who are now enforcing a No-Peeing-Or-Michelle-Will-Beat-You rule in the car. Christine takes big a drink from her bottled water.

As Michelle prepares the brass knuckles, the Linzes are finally dressed. And oh my, do they look like something else. Almost like a Country-Western Village People cover band. All we're missing now is that cute Indian chief.

They get their picture taken with the Buffalo Bill knock-off and head on their way. Teams must now travel to Red Lodge, Montana and find the local golf course. The next clue will be at the 10th tee.

The Weavers finally arrive at the Irma, but must also wait in the Restaurant Booth of Anticipation while the Bransens get dressed up. The Bransen family, looking positively Bonanza, get their picture taken and head for the hills of Montana. Wally Bransen, in the car, says they've now gotten their Christmas card photo for the year. The girls shift in their seats nervously.

The Linz family has arrived at the Red Lodge golf course. They find the clue box and rip open the clue envelope. Roadblock!

Roadblock
Objective - Two people from each team should take a colored flag and ride around in a golf cart, looking for four golf balls of their color.
Location - Back 9
Golf Carts - The all-new 2005 Buick CaddyWaggy
Production Cost of Roadblock - $12.50

This is, quite possibly, the most exciting thing ever. It's like the 2005 World Series of Golf Ball Finding. And we get a sneak peek! The Linzes take the orange flag, and begin their difficult journey. Driving over long, treacherous lengths of fairway and almost hitting a pinecone, they find their first golf ball...

But wait! Who's that on the horizon? It's the Bransens! Bransens! Bransens! The Bransens run to the clue box, select two players and the purple flag, and then join in the hunt. The Bransen family, the two-time defending tedious task masters, find their first ball immediately.

The Weavers, meanwhile, are finally dressed. According to one of them, they look "disgusting." Yeah, that's about right. Rolly looks like some sort of 12-year-old Western pickup artist and the girls look like his harem. You can do better, Rolly.

They get their picture taken, change outfits, and run out the door. The Godlewskis, on the other hand, have finally found the right town. Michelle and Christine screech and squawk at each other, until Christine sees the Irma. But wait. She found it through Michelle's window! This gives Christine one final chance to brag and be petty before the other girls crush her spirit.

Meanwhile, back at the golf course, the Linz family, beating 600-to-1 odds and 159 degrees of scorching heat, find their second golf ball! The Bransens, taking advantage of their golf-ball tracking GPS system, have now found their third. The Weavers? They're still on the road, trying to figure out what a "10th tee" is. The answer is clearly "the tee after the 9th tee," but that doesn't matter because the Weavers can't count that high anyway.

The Godlewskis are finally getting their picture taken with the pseudo-Buffalo Bill. They're quite an eyesore. Almost like combining a sorority with a Laura Ingalls-Wilder book. I can see it now. Little House on the Prairie: Kappa Phi Epsilon. Christine sits in Buffalo Bill's lap, gets the picture taken, and they head for Montana.

But why talk about that when there's more golf balls out there, shrouded by mystery! The Linzes search desperately, but cannot find their final golf ball, which happens to be in one of the holes. They've found everyone else's balls (no that's not code) at least four times already and are starting to give up. The Weaver family, arriving at the golf course, grab the red flag, and joins in the search.

The Bransen duo, after facing water hazards of peril and sand traps of adversity, finally find their fourth ball and are given their next clue. They must now travel 43 miles to Green Meadow Ranch and find Phil at the Pitstop. The last team to arrive maybe might possibly and be could likely be probably eliminated perhaps.

The Linzes, however, are still looking through the vast fields of shrubbery, as the rays of sun beat against their faces like some sort of beating doodad. Finally, through much toil and, dare I say, tribulation, the Linzes find their final ball in the hole and grab their next clue.

At the same time, the Godlewski girls have reached the golf course. They elect Michelle and Sharon to do the Roadblock, who pick the brightly colored blue flag and begin their searching. They easily find their first ball. The two Weavers, blazing a trail through the rough, have discovered their third.

It doesn't matter though, because the Godlewski girls are fighting again, for about the sixth time this episode. Which is, as we know, about par for the course. Michelle, the Evil Chauffeur of the Twelfth Green, almost knocks Sharon out of the cart. Sharon decides to get out of the vehicle and start running around the course on foot.

Which is, of course, hilarious. Michelle literally chases after her sister in the golf cart as they continue to screech at each other. They look like two rabid soccer moms in a grocery store running toward the last box of Lucky Charms. And Michelle has the shopping cart.

Eventually, Sharon gets back in the shopping cartgolf cart, but they continue to bicker. But who cares? Rolly Weaver, in the eleventh hour, finds the final red golf ball in one of the holes and they head off toward the pitstop. The Godlewski sisters, thanks to a few elephant tranquilizers, quietly find their last golf ball too. It'll be a race to the finish! As long as Sharon stays in the SUV, that is.

The Bransens and the Linzes are closing in quickly on the ranch, park their cars, and begin Rabid Phil Searching Procedure. Although the editing tries to make it look oh-so-close, the Bransen family arrives in first place. They win, according to Phil, a slightly larger golf cart, a Buick Lucerne. Dang it. I actually thought they were going to give them a giant golf cart for a second. Maybe next year.

The Linz family finish second, of course, and get nothing, as always. In my opinion, they should be able to trade five 2nd place finishes for a first. But whaddaya expect from Cincinnati Bengals fans?

Meanwhile, the Weavers are almost to the ranch when a cop suddenly pulls them over. This'll be great. Just like being on COPS, except from the perp's point of view! Luckily for the Weavers, they get only a warning for speeding and they drive away at a grandmotherly 25 miles an hour.

To add to the suspense, the Weavers' gas light just turned on. If only they had spent their free gas bucks while they were at the gas station, right before the bunching point, this wouldn't have happened. The SUV eventually chugs along and arrives at the ranch. The Godlewski girls appear to be right on their tails. Both teams park and run to Phil. Oh, the drama is killing me.

Eventually, the seas part, heavenly trumpets begin playing, and the Weaver family runs across the field and hops on the mat in 3rd place, leaving the Godlewski family in 4th. Phil tells the Godlewskis that they're complete failures at life and are therefore Philiminated. Cue the sappy, closing confessionals.

Michelle, Grand Poobah of Hindsight, says she wasn't surprised that the four of them fought a lot. She's glad that the race is over, so they can get back to their cats. Christine, as usual, is really sad about losing, and is really disappointed in how Sharon treated her. Sharon, to make a long story short, just doesn't care. And the fourth, unnamed Godlewski wraps up the episode with a bittersweet comment about sisterly love. But, by now, I've already repressed their existence from consciousness.

Next Week on The Amazing Race
-Teams take a wet and wild ride through rapids.
-Each of the three teams can, theoretically, win.
-Wally Bransen is slower than molasses.
-Rolly Weaver and Alex Linz have a run-in.
-Lots of running around.
-One team will win One. Million. Dollars.

And now? To study for finals!