Previously on....................SURVIVOR...
Everybody with a personality got kicked off this show leaving us summary writers feeling the void. First, there was Vermin with his witty one liners and “not that there’s anything wrong with that” catty-ness. Then came Chocolat Chyna, the only “in your face” finger wagging hothead on this show. And finally last week, we saw the demise of Scerri and with the snuff of a tiki torch this once promising show was robbed of its femme fatal.

So, as a legion of us brave, anonymous internet summary writers trudge our way into the depths of this craptacular TV show, we are left with one simple question....Who the hell is left that is worth talking about? Sick-Nick, forget it.....the Haaavaaard Law student hasn’t moved since the Kucha relocation to Bare-a-midriff beach. Lil’ Lamber, yeah right....she hasn’t had an independent thought since the flight into Australia when the stewardess asked her if she wanted a beverage from the bar-cart, and even that decision caused a minor anxiety attack. Benedict Tina or Kentucky Joe, no thanks.....there’s a reason Jesus freaks only show up on your TV between the hours of 7am and 10am on Sunday mornings. Kant-Kook-Keith, screw him.....now that his rivalry with Scerri is over we get to see what a truly arrogant @sshole he really is. The Colbster, waste of time......can’t catch a pig, can’t catch crickets, can’t catch an STD from Scerri, hell, he probably couldn’t even catch a cold if you put him right into the middle of Stephen King’s “The Stand”.

No, what we are left with is the bottom of the barrel, the personality deficient media-whores by default. And it is us summary writers, the unheralded heros of the internet (well, besides the people who bring us quick & free downloadable porn), who must suffer the consequences. So, what follows is my attempt to pinpoint something of humor nestled within the interactions of six people who combined, are about as exciting as the annual .01 cent postage increase.

Wish me luck.

DAY 28

It is the morning after Tribal Council, and as the camera zooms in on Scerri’s bongo drum, a single tear wells up in my right eye (just like Denzel in “Glory”) as I am left to ponder the sadness of not having our “beloved” Queen B!tch to kick around anymore. I am not alone in my mourning as we see Lil’ Lamber, consumed in her grief, sitting on a log beside the fire. As the rain mimics Lamber’s tears, KKK lets us know that “she probably felt that she lost her big sister last night and she’s kind of a lone lamb out in the midst of the rest us now, but she’s a big girl and that’s where she sits now.” KKK continues to gloat in his victory as he serenades some black guy with a stellar rendition of “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. Sick-Nick shows his appreciation by making the effort to offer up a courtesy laugh.

So, today’s theme is basically that everyone is really really really hungry. Lamber shows the tribes last ration, a zip-lock baggie containing what appears to be four ounces of cocaine. Henny Youngman of the Outback, the Coblster himself reads off the teleprompter and gives us yet another half-assed one liner about Christmas or something. Kentucky Joe tries to fish while also keeping his pants from falling down around his ankles. After ten more minutes of this I’m starting to get the idea that these guys are hungry....I think I get the point now, so maybe we can move on.

The Colbster and KKK are out hunting grasshoppers. We see KKK running around a field with a net.....for a visual picture a crazed lunatic playing a one-man game of tag, and winning. KKK finally nets himself a 2" beaut and says, “you show me the Colbster doing that...Cowboys can ride bulls and horses, but they can’t catch grasshoppers.”

Then we get a shot of the Colbster’s hunting tactics.....walking slowly through the field while sweeping a stick back and forth in front of him. He’s moving so slowly I think there’s actually a couple of grasshoppers perched on the stick.

KKK further explains the importance of hunting and catching grasshoppers, “You expend a lot of energy catching grasshoppers. You chase them down and you run sometime for a hundred yards, well actually four feet, but it feels like a hundred yards. But, that grasshopper could mean a 15 inch black bream.” Ohhh, so that’s how Sick-Nick got on the show.

The Colbster acknowledges that KKK has a much better handle on both grasshopper hunting and Sick-Nick’s bream...”I’ve yet to figure out his method, but I might have to go to the master so he can teach young grasshopper how to wrangle grasshoppers.”

KKK delivers a freshly caught grasshopper to Lizliz who promptly proceeds to lose both the grasshopper and the fishing hook to an opportunistic turtle.

TREE MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lizliz and Lamber go to fetch the mail. Once they arrive at the mail box they both realize something....they are finally alone. As Lizliz shudders in anticipation Lil’ Lamber reaches out to gently caress the small of her back. Surrendering herself, Lizliz melts into Lamber’s waiting bosom as Lamber guides her hands around Lizliz’s emaciated body, slowly making her way to.............sorry, I did it again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I promise to TRY and keep it under control for the rest of this summary.

So, here is the latest MBP sonnet:

Maybe you missed it
Thought you should know
That we came here to film
a hit prime-time show

It’s not sponsor-friendly
To be starving the cast
Even though we gave you
Enough rice to last

So we cooked up a challenge
Where everyone wins
Feel free to watch “Friends”
Till this boring show ends

OMG <click> it’s an auction! Basically, everyone gets $500 Australian dollars to bid on a variety of food items. We may very well set the all-time Reality TV product placement record. As Jiffy Probe explains the rules, the Survivors file in and start to eye the first item up for bid, four lousy Duh-ree-toes and a side of salsa. BT lets us know that in all her days of shopping at the Piggly-Wiggly she has never seen a bag of Duh-ree-toes going for $10.00 per chip. Sick-Nick, who has been b!tching for two weeks about how sore his throat is, buys the chips and salsa for a pricey $60.00.

The next item up for bid is a hunk of chocolate and the tablespoon of peanut butter that was still left in the jar after Vermin scooped his hand in there. We’ll start the bidding at $80, AND.....were off:

Lizliz: “$80"

Lamber: “About a $100"

BT: “Wonnn twun-teee”

Lizliz: “$160"

Lamber: “About a $100"

Colbster: “$200"

Lizliz: “$220"

Lamber: “About a $100"

BT: “$240"

Lizliz: “$260"

Jiffy: “Going once, going twice, and sold to the little girl with the perky........” Oh sh!t, did it again, sorry.

So Lizliz runs down to grab her prize and as she tries to gather up a scoop of peanut butter she starts to shake and quiver like a leaf....”OMG <click>, OMG <click>, OMG <click> I just paid $300 for that, this is my favorite game in the whole wide world, well, besides that game Kentucky Joe taught me back at KuchaKamp, ‘Backwoods M.D. makes a house call’, which is a cool game in it’s own right, excpet he sure does have a weird way of treating strep throat.”

Let’s see, what’s next. Oh yeah, the tribe is starving so Lamber buys a soft drink for $200....that was smart. Speaking of smart, Sick-Nick just bought three crackers for $120. KKK jumps in and nabs a piece of pizza, BT gets milk and cookies and Sick-Nick once again goes the total lack of protein route by downing a Budweiser and a handful of pretzels.

Next up is an iced coffee and half of an energy bar:

Lamber: “About a $100"

Colbster: “$140"

Lamber: “About a $100"

Colbster: “Uhm, do I really have to bid against that?”

Jiffy: “Going once, going twice, sold to the Colbster.”

Next up are the big money items...first off is a complete meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans and bread.

Lamber: “OMG <click> I LOVE meatball subs!”

Jiffy: “We’ll start the bidding at $180"

Lamber: “About a $100"

Now, Lizliz and BT strike a backroom merger and pool their resources to rob KKK of the turkey dinner for $340.”

Next up is a “mystery plate”. Lamber buys the mystery plate for $200 and ends up with a tall grass of Herbert River water. JP eases her disappointment by fooling her into believing that it is really a meatball sub.

The final item, the coup de grace, is a mouth watering cheeseburger. Kentucky Joe ends up buying it, but I can’t help but notice the fact that BT is still eating her cookies and Lamber is munching on her french fries....also, Lizliz’s turkey dinner is nowhere to be found. Damn you Burn-it, why must you always try to deceive us with your trickanery and misleading editing?

The tribe returns to the camp and we are treated to ten minutes of an Imodium-AD commercial as the whole tribe minus Lamber and the Colbster must run and hide behind the nearest bush, tree or koala and uhm, drop the kids off at the pool. Sick-Nick ends a ten week self-imposed media silence to offer up this gem, “I’m gonna go take a bath so the whole tent doesn’t smell like ass by the end of the night.” Wow, Harvard must be proud. Kentucky Joe also jumps into the river for a bath where he proceeds to sing out to the shore, “My leaf had a hole in it, dear LizLiz, dear Lizliz.”

Back from commercials, it is raining like a muthafvcka and the tribe wakes up to see that the river is inching closer and closer to the campsite. BT lets us know that, “we will probably have to move camp today.” And of course, everyone is still hungry. I’m gonna skip the next five minutes where everyone complains about being hungry again...I think we all get the point by now.

Apparently, Sick-Nick isn’t quite pulling his weight. But unlike Gervase in SI, this tribe doesn’t find it very amusing. In an interview, Sick-Nick informs us that “a month is a long time to sit around on the ground, but try doing it for 23 straight years. Now, that takes commitment.” Says BT, “Rodger’s been out fishinnnn, Lizliz’s been out fishinnn, KKK’s been out fishinnn...has Sick-Nick been out fishinnn?? Lizliz agrees, “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really disappointed in Sick-Nick right now, I really am.”

Retorts Sick-Nick in his interview, “I’m feeling vulnerable right now. If I don’t win immunity I’m definitely the next to go so why the fvck should I do any work around the crib...those @ssholes are just gonna clip me in two days anyway.”

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

For today’s IC each survivor is given a “fire scale”....one side of the scale has a fire bucket and the other side has a water bucket, the survivors must light a fire in the fire bucket and then fill the water bucket with water until it tips the scale and lifts the fire into a waiting fuse. One catch, the water bucket has a hole in it, dear lizliz, dear lizliz.

JP starts the race and everyone rushes off into the woods to gather wood for their fire. Now remember, these fires are gonna have to be big enough to stay lit during the water gathering portion of the race AND to set off the fuse when they reach the top. So, Sick-Nick builds a fire that resembles a Bic lighter set on its lowest setting, and he is first off to fill the water bucket. The Colbster is last, but he also has the strongest fire. KKK tries to cheat (When did this game become fair? - Scerri) and JP catches him. KKK’s fire bucket starts to rise to the fuse and KKK, the arrogant fvcuker that he is, tosses his bucket away and begins a premature celebration. But, fate and gravity are cruel mistresses as his bucket comes back down to Earth before it can light the fuse....KKK must scramble to gather his bucket and continue gathering water.....Sick-Nick has to return to the woods to gather more kindling since his fire went out about a minute after he left it. And coming from the back of the field, the Colbster sneaks in and steals Immunity.

DAY 30

Hey guess what???? They’re still hungry! Who cares? Lizliz is so weak she can barely stand and Sick-Nick decides to go over and comfort her, but changes his mind in lieu of the five foot walk it would require.

JP shows up with a bucket of rice, but he’s all pissed off, “I come to you with a little concern. Yesterday, at the Immunity Challenge I saw something I haven’t seen in this game since Bitchell left....true lethargy, a real lack of energy. You got 13 days left, and I don’t think you’re gonna make it. You’ve put me in a difficult situation cause my contract is tied into ratings points and if you fvckers don’t start moving around a little bit I have a feeling were gonna get cancelled by the first day of Sweeps! So, I’ll make a deal with you, I’ll give you four bags of rice if you give me the Colbster’s Texas flag so I can sell it on E-Bay. Agreed?”

The starving survivors, who paid upwards of $200 for the likes of crackers and soft drinks, understandably have no concept of “bargaining position” and readily agree to the terms. After tearing down the shelter the tribe has to figure out where to build the new shelter, which is a much easier process without Scerri around. The tribe decides that they are too weak to climb a hill so they end up building the shelter two feet away from where their last one was, or in other words, right in the middle of the “dry” creek bed.

Sick-Nick, who is definitely getting voted out tonight, decides to lay around when everyone else is hard at work. I don’t blame him, why should he help build a shelter that he isn’t even gonna sleep in for one lousy night.

Back from commercial, it’s strategy time as the Colbster explains that Lamber is the key to tonight’s Tribal Council, “she and Lizliz have been bonding quite well, she could very easily go over to Kucha and join up with them.” Says Lamber, “I could approach the Kucha and knock out the rest of Ogawhore, but they could turn on me and get rid of me so I don’t know if I could totally trust them or if they could be playing with my mind. But, KKK, BT and the Colbster could be playing with my mind as well.” Uhmm, hate to break it to you Lamber, but fricken Corky from “Life Goes On” could be “playing with your mind” from what we’ve seen on this show.

The tribe heads out to Tribal Council and KKK, the arrogant fvck that he is, doesn’t even bring his backpack. Says Kentucky Joe, “Not bringing anything Keith?”

At Tribal Council, Scerri and Chocolat Chyna are brought in to do the inevitable stare-down with the remaining contestants...you can actually see the jealousy dripping off of Scerri like sweat.

JP asks Lamber how she has changed since the game started, “I am a lot more open than I ever thought I would be. I’m willing to try new things and do new things. I’m a much riskier person right now.” Lizliz turns around and gives her a seductive wink as Lamber.....alright, that’s the absolute last time I PROMISE.

During the voting, Sick-Nick votes for KKK because of the aforementioned arrogance...looks like someone ain’t gonna do to well with the jury if he gets into the final two. BT, votes for Sick-Nick and says, “you said that the game wasn’t fun and that you were ready to leave, so here’s your ticket budddd-eee.”

So, Ogafour sticks together and gets rid of Sick-Nick....Lizliz and Kentucky Joe flipped a coin and voted for Lamber........and in most boring episode of the season, the most boring contestant in game show history is shown the door. Ho-hum.

Next week on Survivor, everyone is hungry.....and wet. Should be great! Sick-Nick doesn’t deserve final words, so I’m gonna skip them.

This show better get better cause I’m running out of jokes with these losers.