The Women Tell All, Death Cage Match: SarahDub Vs. The World

Get your catnip and scratching posts ready, because this is gonna be one big, messy catfight. The twelve most memorable (read: bitter, available, ready to be the next Bachelorette) rejects from the season are back for a no-holds-barred session. Our host dons protective armor, complete with spit-shields, and we're ready to go!

The women are brought out, ready to rumble: Kara, the single mom; Kristine, the weepy, psycho swimsuit model; Megan, the former brunette, who became blonde, and is again brunette, wearing her new slogan on her chest, "Brunette is the New Blonde"; Geitan, the former quitter turned loser; Danushka, the fashion model with a heart of goo; Carrie, the Amy Poehler lookalike; Anitra, the makeup artist who can't do her own makeup; Kerry, who is so very... forgettable; Kindle, who is named after a type of wood; Jenny, the one with the lips and teeth. Kimberly and SarahDub are there as well, but preparing backstage for the ultimate death match.

Our host takes us back to the early days of the season, showing us clips we've already seen about a million times. Danushka is in the spotlight first, as our host praises her for having the best line of the season for calling Krisily a slut. Danushka also complains about Geitan coming back into the game, because there was just no need for that drama. Says you, sunglass-wearing succubus. Speaking of the sunglasses she wore at the first meeting with Charlie, apparently all the light was too much for her. However, now she has new light-protective contacts, so she can face the daylight without burning into a pile of ashes.

Kerry is asked about the reaction from the women when she recieved the first rose from Charlie. She says the women were hating on her, but according to Anitra and Jenny, they didn't hate her, but it hurt their cold little hearts that Kerry would be spreading the gossip when she should have been getting slobbery drunk with her fellow rose recipients, instead of on her own. They even had to hide the alcohol from her! In their stomachs!

Our host congratulates Kara and Megan for being the first women to be booted on a date. You go girls! Keep the good work up! Megan explains that her temporary blondness was a fun, spontaneous thing, not the action of a woman desperate to have little Charlies running around. Yep, totally believable. Kara states she and Charlie were living different lives, then takes the opportunity to whore her own daughter, who is asked what she thought of her mommy slutting around on TV. The daughter is happy that her mommy talked about her, it made her feel special. The crowd awwwwwws, Christine starts cutting herself, and I puke.

Christine, apparently, has not been taking her medication. Not only is she a swimsuit model, but she's a private investigator for the government, and she's not at liberty to discuss it. What government would this be? The Psycho Black Tears Republic? Our host and the other women frightenly giggle as we break for a commercial so our host can call the men with the nice, strappy white jackets.

Kimberly comes out with her assets stuffed in a bikini top, what else, and Chris asks someone to buy her a shirt. Noone offers. We're shown many clips of Kimberly's cleavage, and the women jealously complaining about it whilst admiring it. Kimberly got the most flack from her fellow Canadian, Jenny, who doesn't think Kimberly represents her country properly. Canadians don't run around with their boobs hanging out, Jenny says, to which I respond that she must not know the Canadians I know. The torture of Kimberly continues as we're shown clips of the women having a "dress up like Kimberly and make fun of her" party. Lots of time on their hands, they must have had. More clips of Kimberly, her boobs, and their affect on Charlie. The women's consensus, minus Danushka, is that Kimberly needs to put her her sweetness out as much as her chest. That might be a long stretch. She shares that the reason she and Charlie didn't work out was because she's too wild for him. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Boobie McBoobs.

Time for the main event with the most hated woman of the season. SarahDub, come on down! We're shown clips of SarahDubs's descent into acute narcissism and complete delusion. Apparently, she's still on that trip.
SarahDub blames Anitra and Kindle for picking on her and making her life in the house hell. Before they can respond, Jenny asks if SarahDub's been riding the cuckoo canukoo bus, which makes me wonder if Jenny herself hasn't been riding Captain Morgan's bus. Jenny goes on to tell SarahDub that they didn't give a crap about her or her strawy hair. Kindle expresses that she tried to help SarahDub, but she thinks SarahDub is a fake, a liar, a cheat, and the spawn of everything unholy. More clips of SarahDub, talks of rotation, and Sarah's continual descent into insanity. It's all about her, and don't you forget it.

However, none of the women are jealous of SarahDub, as they enjoy a healthy sense of reality, and there is nothing to be jealous about. The women all start talking until our host has to get out his mega-mega phone. Clips of SarahDub getting the boot and being sent home, and the audience laughs at her claims of sweetness and beauty. Sarah ignores the relevant questions, as she is far too superior and beautiful to apend her time on such things. In spite of the massive amounts of vitriol being spewed, Sarah's delusions remain, and we go to commercial while she tries to catch the pink fairies gnawing at her feet. They're jealous of her beauty too.

Our Bachelor Charlie comes out bravely, with no armor or hazmat material. Kimberly wants to know if she was too wild for Charlie, and if he could handle her. He responds that yeah, she's hot and has the boobs and all, but he just had stronger feelings for other women. Way to work around that question. I don't think SarahDub's gonna let you off that easy, though.

Sarah asks when Charlie felt there was no longer a connection between them. Was it before or after she saw the unicorns leaping from the water? Charlie explains that they did have a good connection at first, but it dwindled when she became a total psycho.

Oh goodie, a blooper reel. Charlie likes boobs, Charlie dances with grandma, Charlie likes to do kooky things which are really quite boring, except for falling down spiral stairs.

We're told that Charlie has not yet made his decision between Krisily and Sarah yet. He's dating both of them, and will make his big decision next week. And after he gets out of bed, he'll choose which woman is doomed to a relationship with Vern's brother. Maybe they'll have a pie-eating contest at their wedding.

The women are shown a clip of our host telling the remaining two women that Charlie needs more time. They will both continue to date Charlie in the real world to see who lasts. My bets are on the one who puts out the most. We are talking the real world here.

Our host asks Kimberly and SarahDub what they would do if they were where Krisily and Sarah are, which they are not, because they are Losers. Kimberly says that it would be hard to date someone who is exchanging bodily fluids with another. But she's the wild one, don't forget that.

We're shown Krisily and SarahBee's reaction to the news. They are hurt and confused, but will continue the media whoredom, because in the end it all works out. There's always the next "Bachelorette". SarahDub stuns the women when she says she hopes Krisily wins, because she worships the ground Charlie walks on, and everyone knows all men love that. "Choo-choo" goes the psychotrain with padded rooms.

Wait, another surprise? Charlie has taken Krisily and SarahBee on seperate vacations to Mexico? They have messages for the women? And they've both recorded questions for SarahDub? Woooooot for more drama!

SarahBee wants to know why SarahDub told her about the final four. Dub says Bee is a liar as the women quickly suck in all the air from the room. Our host even calls Dub on it, but Dub seems to like her ride on the crazy train. Krisily asks if SarahDub still blames her for Dub going home. Well, of course she does. It's a conspiracy, everyone hates Sarah for her beauty, pink fairies do exist, and Elvis is still alive.

Next week: Krisily and SarahDub meet Charlie's friends and family. Charlie has to make his big decision. Charlie cries.

Fine.

Apologies for lack of wit. Men suck.