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"Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..."
bentherdunthat 518 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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02-10-06, 02:02 PM (EST)
 
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"Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
After Kim's excercise about feeling unloved Rhonda made a comment that has been gnawing at me a bit. (Now I'm paraphrasing a bit, so bear with me) Kim posed the question "Am I not supposed to expect anything from the people who love me?" and Rhonda said "That's right"
Now, maybe I'm missing the finer nuances of what Rhonda meant, but I disagree! I think Kim has every right to expect to be treated with dignity and basic respect. I don't see that as unrealistic at all. I feel Rhonda was way off base telling Kim she doesn't have the right to expect anything from her loved ones.
Some of the things Kim listed that made her feel unloved (at least on the part of her husband) certainly indicated that he didn't treat her with much regard.
I think part of a healthy loving relationship is setting (and upholding) expectations. For example, I expect that in my friendships, my friends do not talk about me behind my back or tell lies. In my marriage I expect loyalty and to be treated with dignity. I expect that my children will be truthful and talk to me respectfully. And I hold myself to those same expectations.
I think Kim should expect to be treated with consideration from her husband. And she should expect that her grandparents would not choose sides between Kim and her aunt.
So what are your thoughts? Am I missing an important point here, or did Rhonda strike out?
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lovemydogdude 1253 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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02-10-06, 05:59 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I wish I could remember all the different things Kim wrote down..what were her expectations of each HM? If I remember right?..they were pretty generic.I agree with you wholeheartedly that it is totally appropriate for us to have certain expectations in our relationships. Things that we "expect" from our parents, spouse, kids, friends, employer,..we cannot/willnot settle for anything less! I'm think Rhonda was referring to much more generic expectations?..perhaps too high of expectations? Maybe what she meant is that we shouldn't "expect" other people to make us FEEL a certain way. That we shouldn't place so much value on our expectations of them..that our ultimate happiness is affected.
i.e. dinner out with hubby and you expect him to notice your new hairdo, you are disappointed when he doesn't notice and you let it ruin your whole evening because your needs weren't met. i.e. you expect your girlfriend to call you daily, you usually talk this often anyways..you've grown used to it and NEED it. When she doesn't call you one day..you are very disappointed and are miserable for 2 days until you finally make ammends. i.e. when you're feeling blue and you expect your husband to KNOW when you need a hug without even asking for one..and your world falls apart after he doesn't respond accordingly. i.e. when you expect your husband to start helping around the house the minute he walks through the door after work and he doesn't do it..it bothers you so much that your negative thinking takes over: he's so lazy, he doesn't care if I'm overwhelmed, he doesn't support me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't make me happy.. 
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bentherdunthat 518 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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02-14-06, 01:02 PM (EST)
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20. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
Excellent post lovemydogdude. This is exactly the "nuance" I was missing. I wonder if Kim caught it.
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OklaBlue 1244 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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02-10-06, 06:26 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
From another recap for a Kim/Rhonda clip regarding expectations she had of an aunt who Kim thought was unauthentic:"asks Rhonda if she should just not have any expectations at all. Rhonda says that is exactly it--she shouldn't have any at all" When you put an expectation on someone else, you can set yourself up for disappointment. Because it is YOUR expectation. THEY may not know about it. THEY have not agreed to it. The expectation is from your own mind, not theirs. Similar perhaps to the "truth" of what someone says about you - it may or not be true, it is their interpretation or assertion. Any problem is in the mind of the beholder, not the target. The target (the one upon whom expectations are placed) may not have a clue about the "problem" (expectation). A child should be able to expect love from parents.
Society should expect parents to love and care for their kids.
That doesn't always happen.
You can expect another to bail you out, but when that doesn't happen, you feel abused/cheated/frustrated/unloved because your expectation did not come to fruition.
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beckettrep 814 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"
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02-10-06, 09:30 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
Ben. I totally agree. Had Rhonda specified 'unrealistic' expectations that would be a different story but from I heard all Rhonda said was that is was indeed wrong to have ANY expectations. I do not agree with Rhonda on that and many other issues.
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SOWayz 179 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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02-11-06, 00:51 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
It seems like Rhonda has been in a funk all season. Maybe she has been burned by someone recently, and has her defenses up. She certainly hasn't had any expectations of Lisa, which has been detrimental to the show. I agree that it's important to define the kind of behavior that we want to live with.
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SOfan0221 828 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"
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02-11-06, 08:42 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
My feeling on Kim is that she keeps score. She can only justify love if the score is on the 'they don't hurt me as much as XXX' rating.Just looking at her list of people who she said are 'supposed' to love her, there were 19!!!! And she kept track of every time they did something that she perceived as hurtful to her. So that is why I think Rhonda was trying to tell her not to expect, just give love and let it come back to you without strings, rules, lists etc. Her must live her life very cautiously to gather such a list of heartbreaks from the people who love her. I think Kim has to keep track of all the little things she perceives her loved ones do to her so she can justify being unloved. I hope she turns that around before Jaxs gets older, because he was on the list already for wanting to be with daddy instead of her. I think she made great strides with that list, and with role playing with the other HG in group. Her face looks softer and I see her smile more - which I take as a good sign.
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beckettrep 814 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"
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02-11-06, 10:27 AM (EST)
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9. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I don't look at it as keeping score - I think it's just that some things will stick in our head no matter what if our peception of the event is that it caused extreme physical or mental pain. I think some of Kim's expecations of her husband are valid and legitimate. If he's drawing a wall between them, not sharing HIS feelings and concerns, not including her in his everyday life then why bother being together. I think it's giving Kim a very wrong message when Rhonda tells her she is NOT supposed to have ANY expecations whatsoever. I fully expect to get the respect from my son that I have worked hard to earn and if I don't get it I am going to very ticked off and I feel very justified in having that expectation regarless of what Rhonda says or thinks. Kim should follow her own instincts on some things and in this instance she should definitely disregard Rhonda's misplaced advice.
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MariJ 157 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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02-15-06, 12:04 PM (EST)
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30. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
becketrapp...I understand what you're saying about thinking some of Kim's expectations are valid regarding Jeff. I've been all over the map in my feelings regarding Kim. At first I felt very sorry for her. Than I must admit couldn't really stand her.As far as I'm concerned, I see that she's really trying and don't see her as resistant or defensive as she was in the beginning. Getting back to her expectations of her husband. I keep getting this nagging feeling that Jeff feels as though he has to "fix" Kim. I don't see his interactions as much caring as one of a father that is acting put off with a child. Maybe I'm the only one that has this view. I'm wondering if this is what Kim is feeling, too, with Jeff and that this is what she's sensing and can't verbalize it or doesn't understand this is what she's feeling. Yes, I see that Kim has unrealistic expectations at times and I don't go along with Rhonda that we shouldn't have ANY expectations of anyone. When someone doesn't expect anything, they end up being doormats and allowing any type of behavior. Although, I don't think Kim would allow that. I was in the generation that men didn't help women, at least in my circle of friends. Now I hear so often women complain how the men don't help or do anything and certain things come out that they've helped doing this and that. I get amazed that their perception is that they (women) do EVERYTHING, which when it comes out is far from the truth.
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Labyrinth 1248 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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02-15-06, 10:05 AM (EST)
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27. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
>My feeling on Kim is that
>she keeps score. EXACTLY. Because her expectations and she keeps score she will always be disappointed. >Just looking at her list of
>people who she said are
>'supposed' to love her, there
>were 19!!!! I found that rather scary! Sorry but she has kept an itemized LIST of what everyone has done to hurt her and not meet her emotional needs? If it had been one or two people we could say that maybe they acted badly to Kim, but for her to list 19... the problem is clearly with Kim. > I hope she
>turns that around before Jaxs
>gets older, because he was
>on the list already for
>wanting to be with daddy
>instead of her. Out of college I worked for an insurance co. answering policy questions. One of the letters we got in from someone changing her beneficiary from her son - QUOTE "who ruined my life since he was five years old" - and giving her insurance money instead to her live-in lover. That letter has always stuck in my mind --- it could have been written by Kim 20 years from now. 
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msbehavin 69 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Hollywood Squares Square"
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02-11-06, 10:46 AM (EST)
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10. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
>I think Kim should expect to be treated with consideration from her husband.<One example Kim gave about feeling unloved by her husband really bothered me. She mentioned a time when she had arrived home from the hospital after giving birth, and was nursing the baby. A neighbor brought over something for dinner for the family, and Kim's husband sat there and ate all the food without offering her any. It may seem insignificant to some people, but I, too, would feel completely invisible and unloved if I were overlooked like this by my husband. If this is any indication of how he treats her on a day-to-day basis, then it's no wonder their relationship is in trouble! And Rhonda is telling Kim that she should have NO expectations whatsoever? Forget TLC-- what about plain old common courtesy?
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Labyrinth 1248 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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02-15-06, 10:15 AM (EST)
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28. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
>One example Kim gave about feeling
>unloved by her husband really
>bothered me. She mentioned
>a time when she had
>arrived home from the hospital
>after giving birth, and was
>nursing the baby. A
>neighbor brought over something for
>dinner for the family, and
>Kim's husband sat there and
>ate all the food without
>offering her any.This "example" by Kim was pathetic. Sorry but there it is. We will never know the entire story but I can think of several scenarios off the top of my head --- Husband thought she was alseep so didn't off her any. Kim sat there with her mouth all tight and bitter, watching husband eat and never said, "could you fix me a plate, honey?" And if hubby did eat all the damn food, why not tell him to order out for herself? When we came home with my first child, my husband and I were BOTH exhausted. If Jeff had been with Kim during the entire labor then most likely he hadn't eaten either. My husband actually collasped aftewards because he had been up for 18 straight hours - meanwhile after having a baby I felt energized! Any capable labor coach will tell you that you should have food stored in for when you come home. What strikes me about Kim's comments about Jax and the pregnancy is her naivete about having a baby and what that is supposed to be like. She strikes me as a woman who really doesn't know much about babies or parenting. To be jealous because Jax "prefers Jeff"?? WTF? This is just about her own emotional needs and how she is a neverending blackhole of neediness. No one will ever measure up to the standard of unending love and attention that Kim requires. I'm personally surprised that Jeff hasn't left her already although it's obvious that the poor guy is completely oblivious to her thoughts considering he was talking to her daily and supporting her - and she was all kissy face, lap sitting, hand holding when he visited Cali.
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mantramaven 12 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Got Milk? Spokesperson"
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02-11-06, 01:12 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I think where Rhonda went wrong was she didn't address Kim's INTERPRETATIONS of the events. She feels unloved so she finds ways to confirm that through people's actions and what she thinks it means. If she didn't have those feelings she may have been annoyed at her husband for not thinking of her re: the food the neighbors brought and she could maybe think of him as selfish instead of making it always about her. Rhonda seems to be getting at the fact that expectations lead to disappointment when the expectations aren't met.
On a positive note, Kim seemed to have an emotional breakthrough! She seems much more open and real now that some of the walls have come down and she let it out. You go girl!
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Zoey 326 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Cooking Show Host"
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02-11-06, 04:17 PM (EST)
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14. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
It seems to me that Kim equates love with thoughtfulness. The truth is, some people just aren't that thoughtful.Example - My sister just sent me two Valentine cards, one from her and one from my cat (my baby).  This was a very thoughtful thing that brought a smile to my face but I just don't think to do these things for her. It's not that I don't care or think about her, I'm just not that creative or curteous of a person. I could make more of an effort and I do sometimes think that my sister thinks I don't love her like she loves me - at the same time, sometimes you just need to respect that not everyone is as thoughtful as you are. The example that struck me was when Kim said her Aunt didn't buy her anything from Banana Republic. You love people in your own way and let others love you in their way - I think that is what Rhonda was trying to say.
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Baxtera 923 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"
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02-11-06, 07:26 PM (EST)
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16. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I was glad someone mentioned the Banana Republic comment as I remember hearing that and thinking for heavens sake your a grown woman if you want something from Banana Republic go buy it. It's not your Aunt's job to get you clothes especially if you don't mention you need something. Kim obviously has been a real victim and needs to deal with that but she also creates situations in which she becomes a victim by creating these unrealistic expectations and then holding huge grudge fests if they don't live up to her level of caring. I'm not sure how buying something at the Banana Republic equates with loving someone. That's pretty shallow.
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bentherdunthat 518 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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02-14-06, 01:32 PM (EST)
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21. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
Kim reminds me a lot of Allison in this regard (the score keeping, the equating love with "acts"-the whole tit for tat mentality).She is so unwilling to just SAY what she needs, instead she expects that people should automatically know what she needs.
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lifeless_93 65 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Hollywood Squares Square"
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02-15-06, 11:35 PM (EST)
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31. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I agree that Rhonda wasn't referring to the unverisal expectations of life, if so then Kim should not expect that Rhonda could help her start her life over. Thus there would be no reason for Kim to be in the house.
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lovemydogdude 1253 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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02-14-06, 03:35 PM (EST)
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24. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
LAST EDITED ON 02-14-06 AT 05:03 PM (EST)LOL ET
I'm hoping she meant just a little bit..to lighten the mood..besides I don't think Kim would invest much energy into it (not for long anyways) because she'd be too busy expecting him to do what she wanted in the first place. As far as Kim's expectations..did you notice that when Dr. Stan asked her what her fantasy was re: her husband loving her was..she started right off with him waking up when Jax woke up..then they lived happily ever after. And the flowers, well she has a good point if she has shared her favorite type with hi and he hasn't listened BUT how did she tell him? Was she so disappointed when she received roses that she pouted for days and then complained..what type of flowers does she like? Are they extravagant? costly? Does he disagree that she should be so pety and demanding? I think Dr. Stan's lesson was very good..hopefully she heard what he was saying!? She was so busy interrupting him who knows. It sounds like Jodie got some good information..so her husband does know how to communicate,..is it him that's not listening or her?
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lifeless_93 65 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Hollywood Squares Square"
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02-15-06, 11:41 PM (EST)
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32. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
NO kidding I love to be tickled and encourage my husband to tickle me. (which he enjoys) However if I even act as if I am going to tickle him not only does he get upset sometimes he will even get out of the bed and go in the other room. Prehaps Rhonda should have asked Kim if her husband likes to be tickled first. Telling Kim that she should tickle her husband and he does not like to be tickled WILL cause more problems in an already strained marriage!!!
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beckettrep 814 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Fitness Correspondent"
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02-21-06, 07:13 AM (EST)
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33. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
Enfan, you are so right about the ticklers - I think tickling can be a very sadistic way of torture under the guise of friendly playfulness. I can't stand for someone to run their finger on the bottom of my feet and yet if I'm sitting on the couch my husband will occasionally reach over and run his finger down the middle of the bottom of my foot and I can't stand it! And what's worse is that he KNOWS I can't stand it - I think it's his way of being passive-agressive and will almost always lead to some kind of argument - I get po'd and then he gets this attitude as if to say - geesh, WHAT is YOUR problem - my problem??? Does it have to be problem because I just don't like the feeling of someone running their finger down the middle of the bottom of my foot???? Sorry for the rant - must have been reliving the moment LOL. Back on topic - Rhonda is just plain off base and isn't it an 'expectation' on her part that she expects Kim not to have ANY expectations???
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mirage3033 100 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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02-21-06, 11:52 AM (EST)
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34. "RE: Rhonda's comment about Kim's expectations..." |
I too equate tickling as a form of torture, but there are people out there who like it, go figure. Something Labyrith said is very true. People with unspoken expectations do expect others to be mindreaders. (guilty as charged). What I have learn about unspoken expectations is you are going to be let down, or kicked in the butt. I agree Kim is a professional victim and she has been keeping score. Hope for her sake she gets over it and hopefully these exercises help her, but I am not betting money on it, the exercises that is.
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