LAST EDITED ON 03-22-02 AT 01:45 PM (EST)LAST EDITED ON 03-21-02 AT 03:56 PM (EST)
Episode 4 Official Summary: "The Winds Break" Gather 'round, kiddies. Mother Bebo is pulling out the Big Book of Fractured Fairy Tales to tell you another story from that far-off land called Reality TV.
Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince named Hunter. Alas, the handsome prince is never a main character in a fairy tale. He either appears at the beginning to represent an unattainable dream, or is the attainable goal at the end of the story. His purpose has been fufilled, so we banish him to Loser Lodge. And The Robfather had turned Marascrewu into Pinocchio II through his own special puppetry...only he didn't need a Blue Fairy to turn him into a real boy.
<cue constipation music>
LAND OF MARASCREWU (aka LAND OF THE WALKING BRAIN DEAD)
It was a starry, starry night. The Robfather smiled, watched his puppets dance, and imagined another evening on Princess Fluffypillows. Cinder-Gina looked at the tribe and echoed the thoughts of many of those viewing the story...STUPID. Like most women, she cut to the root of the whole power struggle -- it was all about who controlled the BBQ. Cinder-Gina then asked them why, oh why, did they vote out our...I mean her...eye candy. Princess Fluffypillows attempted to use logic to explain, realized she was in unfamiliar territory, and went back to doing what she did best -- tugging on her bikini and following The Robfather.
ROTU-BA-YA
Good morning, Mr. Sunshine! Hello, fluffy clouds! It's another beautiful day in the Land of Rotu-Ba-Ya. The girls are giggling and doing their hair, and everyone is hugging and rubbing in a family way...if your family is from West Virginia.
MARASCREWU
No morning report, oh no! How can they survive without Hunter's weather report???? Does anyone know how to plan their day of chillin' without the weather report?
TREEMAIL!
Spin and barf,
Barf and spin,
Give up Maraamu
You just can't win
IT'S NOT A CHALLENGE, IT'S AN ACTIVITY
No, Jeff, it's not an activity, it's lame, lame, lame.
Lesson Time! OK, kids, let's pull out the dictionary and learn about the word ACTIVITY. It comes from active, which means:
- Having the power to act; agile; busy; alert
- Policy of those who, by energetic action, seek to fufill the promises of a political program.
Let's break that down.
Power to act
- Tribe members stand on disks, then turn them over to see their buff colors.
- Viewers fight the urge to throw things at their TV sets. Some will be more successful than others.
Energetic action
- No, sorry, can't find a damn thing here...
- No, wait! Here's one! Hunter, at home watching this on TV, laughing his a$$ off.
Promises of a political program
- MB is Satan.
So now, kids, let's meet the new tribes!
Rotu - Zoe, Gabe, John, Robert, Tammy, Vee the Virtually Non-Existant, The Former Puppetmaster, and The Zeta Male Sean
Maraamu (which, as we already knew, really translates to "we're screwed"): Princess Fluffypillows, New Life Gina (who needs a glass slipper or prince?), Neleh, Kathy, and Paschal
Conclusions:
- Jeff said this had been planned out well in advance. Mr. Bebo thought it was by a 3-year-old. I think it was by the "creative team" that thought "Baby Bob" was a funny concept for a TV show.
- We now have a winner in the Alpha Male of Maraamu competition....Pappy!
MARASCREWED ROYALLY
Neleh - See the pretty beach! See the pretty fruit! It's so pretty here! I now dub her Pretty, Pretty Princess.
Meet the enviro-twins, Granola Gina and the BossKat.
Princess Fluffypillows attempts to make conversation: "So like, it was like, so cool. We did, like a morning report every, like, morning. I was the Beauty. Um, Gina did sports." So, for the 837th time since the game started, Princess Fluffypillows opened her mouth and inserted...her foot. (Naughty boys, I know where your minds went.)
The conversation then turns to Hunter. Yes, I did appove, how did you guess? Princess Fluffypillows attempts to explain logic (won't she ever learn?) and suffers migraines when Granola Gina shoots invisible daggers at her.
ROTU-BA-YA
Time to make nice-nice, play nice in confessionals, UNTIL
Time for Vee Moment #1 of the episode (don't blink, folks): "They're like ants, we'd be chillin'.: Translation: DAMN! Hunter isn't the only person who expects work on this island. Hunter, dear, don't give yourself a hernia laughing at them. There are worse fates than Loser Lodge.
In true Rotu-Ba-Ya fashion, we're introduced to their attempts at cutesy nicknames. I got bored, mind wandered, sorry, don't have them here, make up your own.
The Robfather awoke from his visions of Princess Fluffypillows to see a horse's head beside him and realize he's two degrees from Hell. Oops, my mistake, he just saw Sean...who looked like a different part of the horse. Then we were given insight into the World of The Robfather:
- Rob can count to 5. Rob can also count to 3. Rob knows 5 is bigger than 3. And we've been worried about our school system?
- John is queer because he cooks. He's not sleeping near him (would that be one degree from Hell?). Run, Rob, it's the Blue Fairy! Sorry, I don't think you're his type, unless of course, you're able to pee on command.
- Robert's "got some sausage". Um, not going there.
- Tammy's no Princess Fluffypillows. Awwww, what a nice thing to say!
For about the 652nd time, I see what's between The Robfather's ears -- a vast wasteland. He and Princess Fluffypillows are true soulmates, if only either one had a soul.
LAZY-A's and WORKER-B's
Granola Gina rejoices to be away from the Lazy-A's and hope that Rotu treats her former tribemates as they treated her beloved Hunter. The Fallen Robfather and Zeta Male realize that there are worse things than being Hunter's b!tches. At home, Hunter falls off the couch laughing at the Twigboys hauling wood for The Man (aka Teddy Bear).
Time for the obligatory Zeta Male speech, which will not be reproduced here. Yawn.
What would a fairy tale be without some Disney music? Sorry gang, I held off on the tunes as long as I could...
Whistle while you work,
Yadda yadda yadda b!tch
Rob the dumbo, Sean the jerk
Have been screwed by the switch
They're missing Sarah's bOObs
You silly, foolish, rubes
You'd rather chill, you're feeling ill,
And both act just like pills
When there's so much to do
You let it bother you
And sit back on your lazy a$$
And tick off Tam & Gabe (& everyone...)
Whining while you chill
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm Food
They've given up, the stupid shlups
They'll soon be ex-Rotu.
Tammy: "Hello, I'm your waitress Tammy. Food, boys?"
R&S: "Woohoo, a serving wench!"
Tammy's Plan:
- Step 1: Feed the stupid dumbsh!ts.
- Step 2: Decide which dumbsh!t to vote off first.
- Step 3: Vote off dumbsh!t #2.
- Step 4: Laugh heartily.
<ad for Baby Bob> TWIST! Time for a SIDEBET!!!! Who will last the longest on CBS?
a) Rob
b) Sean
c) Baby Bob
Back to show...with some more music!
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
It's off to hike we go
And we get lost
When Kathy's boss
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
A shrimpin' we will go
Except the 'ho
With big no-nos
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Sarah decides to go
Can't find her way
And has to stay
Dumb 'ho, dumb 'ho
Tammy: "Hello, I'm your waitress Tammy. Food, boys?" Clueless boys eat up the goodies, not realizing she's fattening them up for the kill. Heh, heh, heh.
Zeta Male shows off his brilliant (ahem) strategizing by whining to the Teddy Bear. "Fine, vote me off! Just don't expect me to work all day for you when you're just going to vote for us anyway." Please, someone, explain his strategy to me -- I just can't figure it out on my own.
TWIST! INSTANT POLL!
Who is the worst strategist of the original Maraamu?
a) The Fallen Robfather
b) Zeta Male Sean
c) Vee the Virtually Non-Existant
d) Princess Fluffypillows
Back to show...Vee claims to be sick of the drama, and fades back into the woodwork. This concludes the second and final Vee moment of this episode, hope you didn't blink.
TREEMAIL!
It's time to weave
This time no one will heave
At the end we believe
Another 'Mu will leave
BossKat thinks that Rotu will throw the challenge for them. No, BossKat, because you weren't there to tell them to do it.
TWIST! Another INSTANT POLL!
After Kathy's statement, I believed:
a) That Rotu would win the IC.
b) That Rotu would destroy the Maraamu in the IC.
c) That Sarah's top would fall off and she would go out with one of our Basher Boys after she finished her media jaunt. (Squeeze My Lemon, this one's for you, you don't have to share it sweetie)
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
Rotu notices it's a mental challenge and wisely leaves their new friends Rob & Sean on the sidelines. They allow John to stay with the new boys, where he offers to show them how to make a special sandwich.
Song time!
Rotu:
Weave weave here, weave weave there
And a couple of lah-de-dahs
That's how we blow the 'Mus away
In this stupid game, so blah
Maraamu:
Stare stare here, stare stare there
And a couple of hems & haws
We're gonna lose the game again
Since we're stupid, stupid DAW's
MARASCREWED
Granola Gina provides the next INSTANT POLL:
Princess Fluffypillows is:
a) Giving Up
b) Clueless
c) Dead Meat
d) a & c
e) b & c
Before you answer, let's hear from Princess Fluffypillows herself: "We're all getting along really well." Anyone want to change their answer?
TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jeff: Makes the New 'Mu Review light their torches, fire is life, prepare to die, buh-bye 'Mu, you bunch of losers, yadda yadda yadda
How do you feel about the switch?
- Alpha Male: "They're taking care of the old man." Hmm, has Princess Fluffypillows found a new sugar daddy? Is Mrs. English taking notes as she watches?
- Granola Gina: "Duh!"
- BossKat: "Bite me, Probst. At least I have new people to piss on now."
- Pretty, Pretty Princess: "It's so pretty!"
- Princess Fluffypillows: Shocked at first, but too clueless to see past her bOObs and realize she's dead meat.
Final song break (not Disney, but fitting):
Too much, too little, too late to try again with 'Mu
Too much, too little, too late, you haven't got a clue...
Jeff tallies the votes, snuffs the torch, and whispers an offer to console Princess Fluffypillows as only he can do.
In her final words, Princess Fluffypillows provides the final evidence to the Instant Poll as she cheers for her former teammates, "especially Gina". No fvcking clue.
That's enough for tonight, kiddies. Next week, we'll see the "new spirit" of Marascrewu (motto: Complete losers have nowhere to go but up! Or maybe stay the same...). And does the Love Tribe fracture (PLEEEEEAAASSSEEEEE???????)?
Nighty-night.
(edited for typos)
(edited again since I had extended an olive branch to a Sarah-phile and he responded by dissing the Babes...you're no longer worthy)
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