PASS THE BARF BAG!!
Hello out there, everybody in reality TV world. Welcome to the Bachelorette IV, V, VI or whichever version this one is official summary for the "men tell all" special. First of all, let me ask all of you to please accept my apology for the late summary. I started a new job this week, the weather sucked, the electricity went out and I got sick. But enough about me, let’s get to the REAL excuses now.
Previously: after Jen’s much-publicized breakup with Andrew she came to New York to find true love again (how many times does she need to do this?), thousands of men across the country applied, the field was narrowed to 25-15-8-6-4 and now down to 2. It’s now between Jerry and John Paul. (Do we really care at this point which one she chooses, since she will just dump the so-called winner after another week and hook up with her boss?)
Tonight: the men she rejected (all but two of them anyway) tell all. Stalker Stu is upset because people are calling him a stalker. Chris comments that he had no idea how intense this competition would be and introduces this season’s bachelors (why so many guys with the same first names? Plus what’s with Andrew? Is he really THAT desperate for attention?). Josh comments that Fabrice “made me want to vomit” (join the club!) . Also Andrew Firestone has a “big confession to make.”
We start out with recrap of all the male-bonding type footage, all the rooster-type strutting around, “I’ll be around longer than you,” and the basketball game where all the guys make complete jackasses of themselves. Fabrice thinks all the other guys are boring because they aren’t “into him” (didn’t Jen have the same problem?).
The guys all claim to be “Jen addicts” meaning the testosterone is reaching record levels and everyone wants to win the game. We see the race up to the top of the building, first man to the top wins. It’s Wendell. The guys keep trashing each other. Wendell says they are a houseful of guys with PMS (this turns out to be the most true statement uttered on the show this season).
David passes out at the first rose ceremony. He explains that he was doing some intense workouts, cut off the carbs, got lightheaded and took a fall (of course, all that alcohol he ingested at the party had absolutely NOTHING to do with it). Oh well, he was glad to get the attention even if he did make a fool of himself.
Stalker Stu is still convinced Jen is totally in love with him (yeah, dude, that’s why she eliminated you - she’s just playing hard to get. Right!). He wanted to marry her even before he met her. Not surprisingly, this made him a target. Stu now admits he knew nothing about Jen, but just wanted to know as much as possible about her. He has seen the error of his ways and has moved on - he is now stalking Kelly Ripa. Stu’s roommate, Fabrice, says he constantly talked about Jen all night when they were lying in bed together.
Now Ryan talks about being the last rejectee. Jen thinks he’s a sweetheart and she wanted to spend time with him. Nice, kind, loving, good husband material but his family is too Thailand-obsessed for her. She still thinks he’s a great guy but she can’t stand his family. He declares his undying love for her and she’s not making eye contact with him (which should have given him some kind of clue). Crash & burn! He says good riddance. His mom is upset with Jen and thinks she didn’t handle herself well at all. Ladies, he is still single & available!
Jen dumped Wendell because he reminded her too much of her brother and told him that, twice. She wants to be his friend. He says it’s better to have her as a friend than an enemy. Now we get to the ultimate DAW, Fabrice. Is there anything this guy won’t do for attention, including throwing a tantrum on national TV? He was initially upset because he thought this was the Bachelor, but will milk it for maximum attention anyway. He claims he’s just trying to be “honest” (the Simon Cowell definition). Josh calls Fabrice a hypocrite and gets a huge round of applause from the audience.
This season the show has two virgins (not to be confused with the album cover on which John Lennon and Yoko Ono let it all hang out): Josh and Jason. Jen thinks the word “virgin” means “serial killer, then when Chris explains to her what it actually means she thinks they are even freakier! (Hey guys, I personally think it’s cool that you’re saving yourselves for marriage, but must you announce it on national television?)
Fabrice still flatly denies being gay. Just because he stripped for a gay men’s mag and tried to get it on with all the other guys in the house doesn’t mean anything, he insists. He only peeked in the shower because he was bored and climbed into bed with Stalker Stu because he thought a little boy-on-boy action would help them pass the time. Michael says just because Fabrice is not that into Jen doesn’t mean he’s gay. We again see Fabrice’s tantrum, after which he leaves on his own to launch his acting career. Then we see the French kiss in disgusting detail, the one where Fabrice is unnaturally all over Jen at the Cotton club. She thinks he’s turning into another Stalker Stu. He won’t marry any woman who doesn’t worship him 24/7 (or any other woman for that matter). He couldn’t believe that mean old Jen just wasn’t that into him. Then we see our boy offering his tongue to Josh (how could anyone possibly think he’s gay?), who turns him down in a much more polite manner than most straight men would.
Some guys just really don’t know how to act. Remember Chris the drunk? Then there was the guy who gave Jen his deceased mom’s family necklace (now why would anyone give a treasured family heirloom to someone he just met?), then we see the kiss-my-ticket guy again. The guys get really drunk and bored one night and decide to make a Jen mannequin, since that is the closest any of them will realistically ever get to her.
Jen-Jen didn’t want to face the guys again since she’s through with all of them, but she videotaped some cutesy little messages. Mark - I hope you got your necklace back and see a good psychiatrist. Ryan - you’re okay but your family sucks. Stu - violate the restraining order one more time and you’re going to jail, buddy. Frenchie - this was supposed to be MY show but you stole my thunder, you shameless media whore! She will never forget any of you, at least not while the show is still running.
Andrew’s name kept coming up this season. Why didn’t things work out? Is Jen looking for a better guy with money, as opposed to the one she had with money? The guys have one drunk Andy-bashing party after another, then guess who shows up (the producers must have had a LOT of time to kill on this one). He says he’s here to “set the record straight” and supposedly has a big confession to make. Could his confession be: 1) he’s still in love with Jen - no, that would be too cheesy even for this show; 2) his name isn’t really Firestone and he actually has no money - no, that one has been done already; or 3) he is really, biologically a woman - no, the producers aren’t quite THAT desperate. Turns out his “big confession” is that he really has nothing to confess! He says it was awkward watching them toast to the breakup, but they could have been a lot worse. The most awkward thing was watching “young Fabrice here” maul Jen. He would have had Fabrice’s butt kicked, but couldn’t get any of the bigger guys to do it for what he was willing to pay. He denies that he is still carrying the torch for Jen. How does he feel about watching another guy propose? Thanks for bringing that up, Chris. He is still staying with the company line, it just wasn’t working and they are still “friends.”
Questions for Andrew: 1) Would you go back with Jen? Not gonna happen. 2) Did your traveling lead to the breakup? No, that’s my job, part of the deal (hmm, that’s not what Jen said, obviously someone is lying here!) 3) Is he dating anyone now? No, and finally 4) Are you still rich? Yes, Jen still has my ring. It’s been awhile but I’m rich enough I can afford not to worry about it anymore.
Next week, Jen brings both guys home to meet her parents and then has a complete emotional breakdown (after all, the poor girl did have 25 gorgeous guys fighting over her). Both guys propose. She shoots one down, and the other is still waiting for an answer. Jen says she’s really drawn to Jerry, which is “okay since we’re flirting with each other.” Andrew looks disturbed during this part. Jen says she definitely has a connection with Jerry. John Paul is everything she’s looking for in a man. The only problem is he is a whopping THREE YEARS YOUNGER than she - that means when she’s 60 he will be 57!! Horror of horrors! She says she is relaxed whenever she’s with him, he will be a great husband & standup guy. JP says they care about each other & enjoy each other’s company. Andrew doesn’t look quite as bothered this time.
Jen is afraid she’s not gonna make the right decision so she freaks out. Next Monday, in the two-hour finale, she gives her answer live after the final rose. Tensions run high when they meet her family. Jen’s family (typical Clevelanders) don’t like John Paul because they can’t understand how a southern guy can have the audacity to show his face in this town. They would be much less embarrassed to introduce that playa Jerry as their new in-law.
A still-drunk Chris from Kentucky offers to warble through the rest of the episode in his fingernails-on-the-chalkboard singing voice. As a southerner currently enduring bigotry and prejudice in the frozen north, I must say this guy is a textbook example of why we have such an image problem. As Jeff Foxworthy once said, “Southerners are just as smart as anybody else. We just can’t keep the most ignorant among us off the television.”
Well that’s my summary and I’m sticking to it. My condolences go out to whoever is stuck with the summary for the finale - there is no way I can possibly sit through two more hours of this show! Take care everyone and have a great week.