LAST EDITED ON 05-06-05 AT 06:21 PM (EST)

Last time…

I missed last week’s episode. What? Kelly/Ron are still on? WTF?

Istanbul… lives on 2 continents. Europe/Asia. That’s pretty cool. I want to live on 2 continents. That was the last pitstop of the Amazing Race.

Now what?

Ron and Kelly arrived last at a (predetermined) non-elimination stop so they will have nothing except the clothes on their backs and their passports. No money for them this leg. Good luck begging in Istanbul, I suppose.

Is anyone else still shocked that Meredith and Gretchen are in the final four??? *Nod* Me, too.

Uchenna and Joyce leave but they can barely read the clue. They sound like they just got their hooked on phonics in the mail yesterday. Oh, well. They can go through it all with their expensively conceived child when the Race is over.

They have to go to the train station and go to someplace where there are crazy people in flowy dresses whirling around to show their faith. They get $477 this leg. Or was it $77? They were bad readers. I didn’t get to understand.

Uchenna and Joyce get a taxi to the train.

Their confessional reveals that in real life, they go different directions. But now they are relying on each other. Because, you know, this is a race. A team Race. And they entered together. And they are a team. So they have to work together. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

They think the twirling religious freaks are beautiful. I think they’re making me dizzy.

Now fly two thousand miles to England and cross Abbey Road to get the next clue.

Meredith and Gretchen leave. They are thrilled to be the oldest to get this far. They just wanted to get through as far as they could without embarrassing themselves. Oops! Too late.

Uchenna and Joyce are at the airport. They speak to airport people in a weird accent (because, you know, if you speak to people in a Turkish accent maybe they’ll understand you better) but still English. Joyce looks hot bald. Right? Okay, no. But I wanted to commend her for finally stopping her crying about it. Gawd. They don’t really check flights. They just get a direct flight. Because, as we all know, the fastest path between two points is a straight line nonstop flight. I mean, wait a minute… Something isn’t right with that logic. But it’s too late to figure it out because they already have the tickets. Just to prove to Uncle Cameraman how confident they are, they opt to not even check the other flights and find out if their hunches were correct. I predict this will be gufu of the week. Stay tuned.

I missed some stuff. I am very sorry. Blame the BF. He decided to talk to me during TAR. Grounds for divorce, perhaps. Good thing we aren’t married yet or I’d need me a lawyer. And Johnny Cochrane is dead. Where does that leave me???

Okay… Rob and Amber are at the airport. They find connecting flight through Frankfurt. I guess it gets in earlier or whatever but they say it’s a big risk. I’m really not sure why.

Meredith and Gretchen give money to Ron and Kelly. Ron and Kelly take a risk by going standby to try to get ahead of Rob and Amber.

Uchenna and Joyce and Gretchen and Meredith are still waiting in the airport.

Rob and Amber think getting there first is important because whoever gets there first has the advantage of talking to people. What? Talk to whom? Cross.The.Road Period. How frickin’ hard is that? How hard can it possibly be to find ABBEY ROAD? If Edina and Patsy can find it after a night of intense drinking and smoking, really, it can’t be that difficult.

Next take the train to the roller coaster. London Eye. Hm. Is this a Roller Coaster in the middle of the city? They have to go up to some tower thing to spot it, then go find it. At least, that’s what I got out of it. I am sorry. BF talked to me again.

Meredith and Gretchen and Uchenna and Joyce all arrive. They know they are a couple of hours behind so they can’t make any mistakes. Good.Frikkin.Luck

Next up, find the three naked men of Hammerstein?smith? But for Ron and Kelly, find the three nekkid men. The producers found this as amusing as I did because we heard “three nekkid men,” “three nekkid men,” “three NEKKID men?” over and over and over again. Interestingly enough, it never grew to become unfunny. I’m smirking right now in memory of the three nekkid men.

Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly are off to Baker Street to find Sherlock Holmes. At this point I can’t help but wonder how incredibly irksome it is to a Londoner to hear an American asking a question like, “What street did Sherlock Holmes live on?” I liken it to being in New York City and someone asking me where the Empire State Building is. Um, look UP and walk in that direction. Not that hard. But I guess Baker Street isn’t really the largest street in the city, so that’s probably not a fair metaphor. Oh, well. The metaphor shop is closed for today. Go get your own.

Rob and Amber find the Sherlock Holmes statue. My hunches tell me they could’ve really figured this out without help. I suppose if I were in TAR, I’d ask everyone everything. But I’d feel like a tool for it. That’s why I won’t ever be on TAR. I am too embarrassed by my Americanism. I love my country. I just think the vast majority of us are an abomination of travelers. Anyway, next, go to Sherlock Holmes museum. Get a clue. (Hee)

Next, go to millennium dome. Caution: Yield Ahead.

Ohhh… a yield ahead. Does anyone wonder who will get there first? I don’t. I think to myself, Rob and Amber will be there first. And they will yield Uchenna and Joyce, because they were in the lead. This message sponsored by Captain Obvious.

Meredith speaks “English” to people, saying “might you summon a cab for us?” This is different from English, that we speak here in the states, which would translate the above statement to something like, “EH, YEW! GO GET ME A CAB! NOW! I AIN’T GOT ALL FRICKIN’ DAY!” but when in Rome… speak the King’s English. *shrug*

At the yield… oh my the lack of suspense is killing me. Rob and Amber get there first and yield Ron and Kelly. Rob’s “why we are yielding this way” speech sounds scripted. It sounds almost as if it were read directly from cue cards, if I were to be completely honest.

Road block. Drive double decker bus through an obstacle course. Rob is going to do it because it might be a ‘stick’ and Amber can’t handle a stick. Well, obviously. What are you, stupid? (ATHF quote; sorry; couldn’t resist)

The British guy is mean to him. Really mean. Like he wants to rip off his head and piss down his ugly, crass, rude, American neck. But I might be embellishing a little. Call it artistic license. Or call me a liar. Then I’ll give you something to cry about.

Take five boats. Move them from over here to over there. You know the drill. Stupid, useless, pointless challenges that make people tired and argue with each other. Whatever. -Yawn-

Uchenna and Joyce and Meredith and Gretchen arrive to move the boats.

I have to admit I really don’t know where these boats came from. I mean, I didn’t see Rob and Amber or Ron and Kelly moving boats. But maybe they did when BF was talking to me. Now I wish I –were- married so I could take action to punish him for what he’s done. Not only to me, but to you unfortunate enough to be reading this.

Not that it’s a good excuse, but I_AM_HE is MIA. I really am scared to say anything other than “We were supposed to write this together,” for two reasons. One, I want to give you a reason why I didn’t feel I needed to pay pristine attention to every detail. Two, I don’t want to say anything bad in case something happened to him. It’s really not like him to forget a summary, especially a TAR summary. So, here is an APB on I_AM_HE. Should you spot him, tell him I’m worried. Thank you.

Near as I can figure, Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly must have done this earlier in the show, and I just missed it. So I just checked to see what the story is, and it appears that Bebo wrote a summary. You should read that one. It makes a lot of sense.

Meredith and Gretchen drag their old asses.

Rob is at the bus roadblock on his 4th try. Ron and Kelly are yielded. They are waiting.

Uchenna reminds us he knows the rules are that teams are not allowed to help each other but he really wants to help Meredith and Gretchen. He thinks they’re just the nicest people and he wants to help them. I say they should’ve opted to -not- do the boat thing and instead done the Sherlock Holmes thing. (Yeah. From Bebo’s summary I figured out the detour was what led to picking boats over Sherlock Holmes. Like I said, you should read it. It really makes sense.)

Uchenna and Joyce get out and opt for the tube to their next destination. They look really lost. Meredith and Gretchen take a cab and hope.

Ron and Kelly get to go now. They have to do the road block. Get ready for the bus!

Rob and Amber arrive first. They are asked if they have good luck. Rob says yes. I say no. It’s producer interference. Caution: Conspiracy Theory ahead. No, I guess now it’s behind. Nevermind.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the bus roadblock.

Joyce drives the bus.

Meredith and Gretchen arrive at the bus.

This part takes a thousand years.

And a thousand whistles from the mean Brit.

Kelly: 7th try. Finally does it. Finally. After yelling exchanges of frustration between herself and Ron. Thousands of them.

How did they avoid the boats? I’m so confused. Nevermind. Bebo’s summary cleared it all up for me.

Ron and Kelly get in a taxi to the park (this pitstop). Another fight. They are arguing because Ron thinks he could’ve done it easily since he’s highly trained to fly special aircraft and such. Kelly is getting angry. Ron says they should turn the taxi around so he can prove it. They bicker some more. Doesn’t look good for them. I foresee them on a special primetime edition of Dr. Phil.

Meredith: 6th try on the double-decker bus obstacle course thingamajig.

Joyce: 7th try.

Meredith 7th try: finally makes it.

Potter’s field park.

Ron and Kelly are team #2 to arrive. Wow.

Uchenna and Joyce arrive 3rd. Gufus.

And in the supreme moment of CBS Obvio-Cams, Meredith and Gretchen arrive last. They are eliminated. Too bad, so sad.

They claim they have one million dollars worth of memories and experiences. I say “pshaw.” Pshaw in a big, big way. They need that million for when they get back and need all kinds of Old People treatments. Surgeries and such. Physical therapies. And Gretchen needs her head examined after she split it open in that cave. And Meredith needs his head examined, because he thinks Gretchen is the most beautiful woman in the world. Oh, wait. He probably has cataracts. Nevermind.

Uchenna and Joyce say they have a 1 in 3 chance. No obvio-cam needed there.
Rob and Amber say they’re going to win.
Ron and Kelly say they’re going to win.

Next time:

Ron and Kelly break up
Rob and Amber get pulled over by a cop
Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire

And it looks like a run to the finish.

Thank you for being here, and for bearing with me, all.

And again, if anyone hears from I_AM_HE, tell him I’m not mad, I’m just worried.

~ cq

sorry it took so long, all. thanks bebo.