Official Forever Eden Episode 3 Summary – Check Your Fly, Your True Colors Are ShowingThis is Forever Eden, where these men and women have given up their lives (I’m suing for Truth in Advertising violations) to stay. They could be here for three weeks, three months, or three years. Three times too long, no matter how you add it up. Here comes the catchy Theme Song! It goes a little something like “Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden, Forever Eden…” *slaps the record player* “Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.” There we go.
Last time on Forever Eden:
Craig shakes his booty and tells the girls in his best Powdered Toast Man imitation: “Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!” But he gets his buttocks booted when Undesirable Mary picks him for Banishment, in the process booting herself for having No Mercy. They walk off arm in arm, proving the rumors of Barbie and Ken’s demise to be greatly exaggerated.
Newcomers Liz and Wallace arrive on pole-powered raft.
And Neveen began her pursuit of the World Record for “Gaping Like a Fish the Most Times on a Television Series.”
Tonight on Forever Eden, Fox apparently intends to give us epileptic seizures. Oh, wait.
Tonight on Forever Eden:
Teeth acts like an idiot (what a surprise). And Brooke calls him a dog. I’m sure to love it as much the second (and third, and fourth…) time as I did the first. Go Brooke!
The women’s secret vote for Eden’s Most Desirable Man is revealed (I’ll give you 1,000,000 : 1 odds it’s not Matt. What, no takers?)
Khalilah tells Kassie she sucks when the women are forced to eliminate one of their own.
And a Very Special Message at Banishment Ceremony leaves Neveen crying and looking like a fish. Again.
Now that Fox has given you the Cliff’s Notes, you don’t really need me, do you? *sigh*
Without further ado, we bring you Episode 3: “True Colors” (pay attention, there will be a quiz afterwards).
Blackfoot heads back to his room where he is attacked by the Mutant Granny Smith Apple of Doom. At least he would have been if I were writing this show. Instead, the MGSAoD is sitting rather tamely on his bed, for this time, Ruth England informs us, the Apple brings…Good. Yay! She informs him he has been selected Eden’s Most Desirable Man (personally I was hoping they would choose the guy they hadn’t even met yet, but oh well) and will have a fabulous champagne dinner with the girls after which he will select two to go on a romantic date. In addition, he gets to extort two coins from each of the men, making him King of the Island (don’t tell Rupert). “How do you like them apples?!” he exclaims with glee. Teeth channels Al Gore and complains about the lockbox while parting with his fortune.
Short Bald Guy is clearly jealous, and tries to play on Blackfoot’s paranoia, saying when the cat’s away, the mice will play. Teeth nibbles on a hunk of cheese and looks around nervously, whiskers twitching furiously.
For about the tenth time in this opening segment, a snake from Mark Burnett’s Symbolic Animal Menagerie slithers across the screen.
Brooke, whom I wouldn’t even have known was on the show if not for the preview that’s already shown us this scene, informs us that Matt’s a moron. He’s pimping himself to all the girls while they’re playing pool. Now I know why I hate the guy. He reminds me of a horrifying love child of Johnny Fairplay and Bawston Rawb.
Brooke tells him he’s a frat boy, which in accordance with the new FCC regulations is bleeped out. Teeth tells her she’s so wrong. Then she says if he doesn’t think she’s cool, he doesn’t think she’s cool, and then HE says she’s not cool, like OMG! Then SHE says she wouldn’t hit that with a ten foot pole, and that he’s TOTALLY the dog of the group, and you can just SEE Matt’s little heart break cause he totally had a crush on Brooke. It was SO funny, you had to be there. If she boots Teeth tonight, I might marry her.
Jordan says that was SO rude, and everyone needs to chill. Like, who elected him Dr. Phil? Just cause you’re working on the same hairline and you’re both on a television show, it doesn’t mean you’re qualified to run a group therapy session. Brooke heads off into the jungle with Neveen and Kassie and she relates to them fond memories of her ex cooking for her and Scrabble tiles roasting over an open fire. C’est lamour. Matt’s just a pig, and the P’s not even on a double letter score.
Then Night Cam shows us Matt eavesdropping on Brooke crying while she tells the whole story to Michael (the “You’re the dog of the group” story, not the Scrabble story, although that one was pretty good too). As she gets to the good part, Matt comes yelling out of the tunnel “OHHHH!!! WHAT’S UP BROOKE?” and for a minute I’m afraid he’s gonna go Todd Bertuzzi on her. You scoff, but this is no ordinary DAW! He’s got sharp pointy teeth!
We’ll never know what happened next though, because sweet, sweet commercials take us away. When Forever Eden returns, Michael enjoys the sweetness of Eden’s apple, but things turn sour for everyone else. I think this show needs special advisory warnings for bad sexual innuendo and puns and for excessive macking by Matt, more than for the thankfully elusive “sexual content.”
Oh wait, we DO get to see what happened next, because Fox plays the whole episode back for its ADDled target audience. There goes Matt sneaking down the stairs, here goes Brooke reliving her moment of glory, and “OHHHH!!! WHAT’S UP BROOKE?” Jordan again decides to try and play peacemaker.
Matt: Why don’t you come down and say it to me?
Brooke: I already did, jacka$$.
They walk off to fight in private. It’s all garbled up except for Brooke’s confessional about her having a deep seeded resentment of frat boys (but hey, who doesn’t?) and Matt calling her a b!tch and doing an unintentionally comical Incredible Hulk pose.
Brooke: Did you just call me a b!tch?
Matt: Well, you called me a dog, so let’s get a little something-something going on, Baby!
Brooke: I kill dogs for fun.
(well, it would have been a better comeback than her “totally totally” gibberish, and I get to piss off PETA, it’s like killing two birds with one stone. Oops, there I go again)
One of the girls says he has a crush on her and that’s probably why he’s being such a blankity-blank. I like the way they blur their mouths when they bleep, hehehe. Brooke in confessional reconfirms that Matt is an idiot and makes gagging faces, the same type I make whenever he’s on the screen.
The next day, Michael prepares for his menage-a-sept, flexing in front of the mirror, running gel through his shaved head, and telling the camera that although other guys would be going “Huh huh, I get to have dinner with six girls” and drooling all over themselves, his grandmother raised him to respect women and so he’s more excited to get to know them as people. Yeah, we believe that.
Michael and the girls arrive at a splendid dining area, while the guys head to McDonald’s. Jordan is whining AGAIN about how they don’t get to eat with the girls, and that they’re in the doghouse, and that Michael took their money, waah waah waah.
Matt, ever the classy guy, says they're gonna bring them the leftovers from Neveen, whereupon the ever-classy editor shows us close up shots of Neveen stuffing her face to dramatic dun-dun-dun sound effects. He then shouts “I hate you Michael! I’m like a little dog at the window, let me out I have to pee!” and then makes fun of him crossing his legs and calls him a distinguished b!tch. Jordan is STILL whining about the money. Get.over.it.
Michael asks New Girl what her impressions of the other girls is, and she responds, pointing each out in turn, “Slut, B!tch, Whore…” which the girls, perhaps due to an excess of alcohol, find uproariously funny. The guys are paranoid and think they’re laughing at them. Well, not this time guys.
Michael and the girls get a chicken dinner, and the boys get leftover sandwiches. Wallace, deciding those grapes are probably sour anyway, declares “AT least it’s not chicken.”
Ruth Portugal comes out and tells Michael it’s time for him to choose two girls. Neveen works her mouth like a fish. Again. If I had a nickel for every time she did that, I could buy all their foil-wrapped chocolate. He chooses Neveen and Brooke. Ruth, to work on memorizing their names, and in case they hadn’t already figured it out, tells Kassie, Shawna, Khalilah, and Liz that they haven’t been chosen. It’s a good thing they were sitting in their assigned seats or this could have gotten way too confusing.
Before her pampering trip, Neveen confides in Kassie that her daddy never hugged her, and her parents sleep in separate rooms and also don’t hug, and she doesn’t have anyone to help her except her girlfriends. Kassie tells her “We have each other.” Surely that won’t become ironic or anything.
Matt is hitting on Liz now, trying desperately to mark each girl as his territory. Jordan whines again. Michael, Brooke, and Neveen head off to their trip, but not before Michael looks dubiously at their raft and asks if they can all fit. Seriously, haven’t we had enough jokes about Neveen’s weight? No? Okay, how’s this one: Neveen is so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Haha! Maybe we can get more Jordan-Kassie Shorty-Fatty fighting, woohoo! Are these guys still in 4th grade? Did their parents sign their permission slips for them to be here?
After the three leave, Ruth Liechtenstein arrives and informs the rejects that tonight is Banishment Night, and that the four girls (that’s Kassie, Shawna, Khalilah, and Liz, in case you were wondering) have to decide which one of Brooke or Neveen gets the axe. Oh, this is fair. But if they can’t agree, Brooke and Neveen get to Banish one of them. Except for Liz, who is safe because she’s new. Wait a minute, aren’t the new kids supposed to get picked on in this playground?
Khalilah says Neveen is her girl, so she votes Brooke. Shawna votes Neveen. Liz says Neveen. Konflicted Kassie says Neveen’s her roommate and she comes from a bad background, but she’s gonna have to stab her in the back anyway. But at least they have each other. Khalilah says she ain’t bending for noone and runs away.
Meanwhile, away from the drama, Brooke is getting a massage.
Neveen: If you could hit it with any girl on the island who would it be?
Michael: Probably Brooke. Not that I wouldn’t sleep with you. I’ll sleep with anyone.
Meanwhile, back at the drama, Khalilah is pouting. When David comes to check on her she says “Vote vote, decision decision decision decision, brak brak brak. I thought Kassie was loyal to Neveen, but now I don’t love nobody.” David reports her non-decision decision back to the other girls. Matt says Shawna wants Brooke to stay and Khalilah wants Neveen, and neither’s going to budge, and that makes Kassie the ultimate swing vote. Except for the part about them having to reach a consensus, you know. Wallace, who never has anything pertinent to say, informs us he’s getting nervous. Why? That’s something you’ll only learn by studying his deep thoughts more closely, and frankly, I’m not getting paid for that.
Back at the Massage Megaplex, it’s Neveen’s turn on the massage table. Her attempts to get on the table are accompanied by circus-like tuba music. I’m really quite speechless, these editors are just cruel!
A completely inappropriate use of a spider as animal imagery precedes Kassie and Shawna going to talk to Khalilah. The pending confrontation already has them in a tizzy.
Kassie: Are you going to judge me for making a decision?
Khalilah: I already did.
Kassie: But I haven’t decided yet.
Khalilah: Screw you guys I’m going home.
Kassie: This is your room.
Shawna: I just want to communicate.
Khalilah: Can I go eat now?
Kassie gets a priceless WTF? Look on her face that screams “This is communication?!?” But instead says “yeah” (read: “what-EVER!”), allowing Khalilah to run away again.
When we come back, Eden is being torn apart! Wait…damn (again, where’s the truth in advertising?!). Some other stuff will happen too: our patience for overstatement and redundancy will be at the breaking point, and I will get a glass of water! Don’t miss it!
The whole situation is recapped while Kassie, Shawna, Liz, Jordan, and David powwow. The girls say they’re not going to let Khalilah determine they’re vote, so they’ll just have to let Brooke and Neveen determine it. Jordan decides it’s his turn to talk to Khalilah. A snake slithers at his departure, proving once again that the editors need to retake Symbolism 101.
Matt is macking on Khalilah in the cot when Jordan approaches. Jordan, Master of the Obvious, informs them that Liz is immune, and if they don’t all agree, it’s going to be one of them that goes home. Khalilah says that’s fine with her, she doesn’t give a bleep what the other girls think. Jordan gets the title quote and says “That just shows your true colors.” Khalilah runs away. Again.
Jordan tells the girls Khalilah ain’t budging. Unless it’s to run away from everyone, at any rate. Shawna calls her and asks her to come up to their room. She says that by not making a decision, they’re forcing their friends to have to choose. Khalilah says she doesn’t care. She tries to run away again, but the girls block the exits. Kassie ALSO gets the title quote (the editors are really subtle) and says “True colors show, and you really hurt me. I guess you don’t care if I’m your girl.”
Finally we get the scene we’ve been promised two or three times already, and Khalilah says, “I don’t care if you’re my girl, because you suck.” Real mature. She says she thought they were Neveen’s girls (cue to scenes of Kassie telling Neveen she’s the only one she trusts and they should stick together. Not to rub it in or anything) and it is fake of her to like new people. Preach it sister! Khalilah runs away. AGAIN.
Liz, Shawna, and Kassie discuss how mean Khalilah is and how she has her own back and noone else’s (mold is medium, pollen is low, and irony is HIGH).
Brooke says the date with Michael and Neveen has been amazing, and it’s not like her normal dates at the Dairy Queen. Little does she know that Blizzard is about to fall right out of the cup when they turn it upside down.
Back at Eden, Khalilah is combing her eyebrows in preparation for their Last Supper and the Banishment Ceremony. Shawna says it’s a really tough decision and she had to choose between two of her favorite people. Kassie says it’s a really tough decision and she had to choose between two of her favorite people. This was important enough to say it twice. This was important enough to say it twice. The girls deliberate interspersed with shots of Neveen and Brooke saying how happy they are. Khalilah (all together now) RUNS AWAY. AGAIN. “Bleep all of them! I don’t love nobody now!”
Michael, Brooke, and Neveen arrive back at Eden to find the place as still as the grave. They realize everyone is at the Banishment Ceremony. I’m not sure why they didn’t just pretend like they thought they were exempt and go and hide somewhere, but oh well. They join the ceremony, already in progress. Ruth Botswana informs them that the girls had to choose either Brooke or Neveen to banish. Shawna says Neveen. Liz says Neveen. Kassie, after the clip of her telling Neveen “We have each other,” says…Neveen.
Ruth tells Brooke she’s safe, and that Neveen has been selected for banishment. Neveen cries and calls them bleeping b!tches. However, Khalilah is not here, and all four had to make a decision! She has left a video message for Neveen that Ruth Seacrest shows to all of them... after the break.
Khalilah says she couldn’t go along with the other girls and that she has chosen to leave Eden voluntarily rather than vote Neveen out or make her choose. Because she has left voluntarily, she loses all of her money, and she bequeaths all of it to Neveen, giving her 18 coins, making her the richest person in Eden. True colors indeed. I hope you're all proud of yourselves.
Each contestant receives 4 more coins.
Neveen in confessional, with fire shooting from her eyes, and a demonic force possessing her voice, says, “You stupid tramps! I tried to be friends. NOW YOU WILL DIE!!!!”
Next time on Forever Eden:
Jason, a buff bartender from Scottsdale (sheesh, this guy is a walking cliché. A reality show contestant that’s a bartender? AND from Scottsdale? Call it Reality TV Affirmative Action at work). He looks like a dancin’ fool. No, really. A fool. He looks like an (even more) retarded Steven Baldwin.
- RMMNW!!!