It didn’t take long to find the other girls, the screeching pitch of Aunt Sylvia’s voice drew me right in. The whole concept of “stealth mode” was obviously lost on my cohorts. They were all standing by the stage, where Aunt Sylvia stood with a look of wonder on her face and exclaimed, “Oh my gawd. Those girls have bald hoochies, have you ever heard of such a thing? I mean, I tried coloring mine before to get rid of the gray, but it made me break out in a rash so I never tried that again. But they just took it all off. Do ya think they use regular razors? Do ya think my Daisy would work on my hoochie? That would for sure get rid of the gray. Better than Clairol. Do ya think my Tony would like it?” None of us answered her questions, we were all still in too much of a state of shock to have spoken even if we tried. Carol was turning red from choking on her laughter, Jenny had her arms protectively covering her belly as if to ward off evil demons, Mary’s face was as white as the dress she had on, and Aunt Ruth was making the sign of the cross. I had a feeling that we’d be seeing a lot of signs of the cross in tonight’s outing. I, on the other hand, couldn’t seem to get the image of Aunt Sylvia’s hoochie out of my mind. Maybe sticking my eyeballs in burning oil would help. No time for that now, though. I had some plans to make and told Carol to follow me to the bathroom.
The whole entourage came trudging behind us. I didn’t exactly want them privy to my new information, but I guess having them with me was probably better than letting them loose in the nightclub. I explained my plan and watched as their faces drained of all color. I heard four voices at once.
“You cannot be serious.”
“Can you even fit in a cake?!”
“Does that mean you’re going to shave your hoochie?”
“The Lord is my Shepard….”
Surprisingly, Carol was silent. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she weighed the pros and cons. I knew the pros had won when I saw the devilish smile on her face.
“This just might work. Since all the men in there will be family members, you won’t have to worry about exposing yourself to strange men, but you cannot take off everything.”
“I wasn’t planning to. I’m keeping my bra and panties on, so it will be more in the way of their humiliation than mine. Remind them that these naked girls are somebody’s daughter, or sister, or wife!”
Carol got another devious look on her face (is it any wonder why I love my sister) and said, “Ok, but we’re going to have to spice up your bra and panties with a little makeup. Girls, pull out the makeup cases and let’s get to work!”
Although the others were still making sounds of protest, Carol and I ignored them until they finally ended up joining the mayhem. We had makeup all over me and my tighty whities. The strategic placement of some lipstick and mascara really made a difference in my outfit. This was gonna blow them away!
Carol and I went to the designated “cake” room while the others waited outside room #2, waiting for Carol’s signal so that they could bust into the room at just the right time. It did take a little struggling to get into the cake. I think maybe I musta had a midget cake, since there was no way a full size woman could fit in it without putting her back out of alignment. I didn’t care about my back at this point, though, so I endured the pain knowing that the reward was in sight.
I could here the catcalls of the men as Carol pushed the cake far enough forward for them to see it, but to still keep herself out of view. Just when the cake stopped moving, I heard Carol scream, “Now!”
I flung myself out of the opening top of the cake just as the other women came sprawling in through the front room door.
“AHA!!!” I screamed at the top of my voice. There were camera flashes everywhere and they temporarily blinded me. Then I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Jenny, Mary, Aunt Sylvia, Aunt Ruth, and Carol all stood in stunned silence. This was my first indication that something had gone horribly wrong. Here was the problem; the only people I recognized in the room were my partners in crime. No Vince, no Mike, no Steve, none of the guys were here. Oh, there were guys here, they just weren’t our guys! And the worst part was that they were leering at me like I was the lunch special platter at the Sizzler.
At that point, survival instinct kicked in and I jumped all the way out of the cake and started to run for the front door. Carol had a head start on me, but the other girls seemed to be rooted to the floor. The men were after us, hands groping, faces leering, mouths watering. Aunt Ruth came to our rescue by pulling a bottle of holy water out of her purse and throwing handfuls at them while reciting scriptures at the top of her lungs. Why Aunt Ruth had holy water in her purse was beyond me, but I figured it had something to do with reforming the guys once we found them. Mary had taken off and was probably in the parking lot by this point, with Jenny hot on her trail. Aunt Ruth was slowing the men down (mainly because they were slipping on her water when they tried to run for us), but we needed more help if we ever hoped to get out of there with our decency.
Aunt Sylvia came to our rescue. She pulled up her top and whipped off her bra. Apparently, saggy old lady breasts are like Kryptonite to horny guys, because the sight stopped them dead in their tracks, giving us enough time to make it to the door. We grabbed the Aunts and all of us hauled ass back out to the minivan.
The ride home was pretty quite, except for Aunt Sylvia’s constant chatter about her new “career”. There really wasn’t much to say, and none of us were at the point where we could look back and laugh at this yet. I borrowed some clothes from Carol since I was still wearing my modified bra and undie ensemble. I got home and was surprised to see Vince sitting in his easy chair, looking like he had been there for a while. The guys may not have been in the room we pulled a sneak attack on, but none of us doubted that they were at the club somewhere; we just lost the desire to find them.
“Hey, what happened to your big business meeting tonight?” I asked, with a tight smile on my face.
“Geez, Sandy, you smell like a French whore house, where have you been? And my meeting isn’t until next Friday, don’t you remember?”
I consider the fact that I didn’t lunge at his chair and strangle him on the spot one of my greatest accomplishments in life.
On a brighter note, from what I hear, the Ebay bid on my cake girl pictures is up to $7.25. Ha! And those girls that worked at the club didn’t think I had what it takes!
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