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"Middle School Moral Dillema"
casual labor 29 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beauty Pageant Celebrity Judge"
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05-02-08, 02:02 PM (EST)
 
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"Middle School Moral Dillema" |
Hello all you wonderful OT'sI have lurked for many years, posted a few times. I have found that the people on this board have a good head on their shoulders and I could really use someone to bounce this off of and get some opinions before I go off half cocked and ruin my daughters social standing forever. My 12yr old DD told me that 2 of her friends went through their teachers purse/satchel and found out who was on the list to be in the school choir (choir is a big deal at this school). I don't know how many people they told, but if I tell the school authorities what I know, there's a 95% chance that the friends will figure out it was my daughter who told on them. So, do I say nothing and hope it was only a one time wrong choice for these girls, or tell the teacher and hope she shows some discretion. Or tell the parents and let them deal with it. The girls aren't juvenile delinquents but one of them was just caught plagerising her history report this week. Any thoughts/suggestions would help me tremendously.
(and wishing she were 8yrs old again is not an option....urgghh)
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Seana 5044 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 02:15 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
LAST EDITED ON 05-02-08 AT 02:17 PM (EST)Tough one. On one hand, I would personally want to know if someone were going through my purse. I don't like my *own* kids going through my purse. That's pretty serious, in my book. On the other hand, I would have to know what was going to happen if I let the school/teacher know. Edit to add: you don't have to say who was looking, or for what, or how you know. 
I volunteer in my son's SK class and I often don't report bad behaviour by the kids to the teacher if I have dealt with it. This is because I disapprove of his policy of calling them out in front of their peers (even after I have dealt with it). I think it's disrespectful and unnecessary. "Praise in public, criticise in private" as my mother used to say.
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frodis 4442 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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05-02-08, 03:15 PM (EST)
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15. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
I think it's wonderful that you have gained the confidence of these girls and that they look up to you and respect you. I also believe that it's because they look up to and respect you that you have an extra responsibility to do the right thing here, and encourage your daughter to talk to the teacher. You're in a unique position to be a good role model here to your daughter and to her friends. They're 12, and entering those treacherous teen years. Now isn't the time to be "cool" or be their friend. It's hard, but you have to be the adult. Maybe they won't confide in you anymore for a while, but with growth and maturity and hindisght they will, someday, realize what a good example you were and they might even think back on this experience when faced with similar situations in the future. I know it's hard, but it's life. It's the honor system. It's a good lesson to learn. Besides, if these girls are going to drum your daughter out for doing the right thing, are they really good friends for her to have going forward? Good luck. 12 is an awkward time and it sounds like your daughter is facing one of the first lessons about responsibility and friendship and trust. She can make this decision and get through this and she'll be a stronger person for it. 
A springy surprise from Tribe!
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casual labor 29 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beauty Pageant Celebrity Judge"
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05-02-08, 02:46 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
I will see how DD feels about talking to the teacher herself. Maybe just let the teacher know that some kids went riffling through her personal stuff, but leave the detail out so as not to have it come back to bite her. DD trusts adults in authority so she may not have a problem with it.
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syren 5418 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 02:57 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
LAST EDITED ON 05-02-08 AT 03:00 PM (EST)I just want to point out, that even though it seems to be a minor thing going through someone's purse, that you shouldn't tell her to leave out the details. If she chooses to, that is all her, but as her parent I don't think it is something that you would want to suggest. This time the children in question only looked at the choir list, but what about next time. Were they only going through the purse to see if the list was there? Or for another reason? I know if I was still in school and wanted to see the list, my teachers purse would be the last thing I looked at. I would first look in her desk or somewhere where papers are kept. Another question to ask yourself is if one of them took something out of that purse, would your daughter be blamed since she is the one who will be advising her teacher that her personal space was violated? I think giving her a verbal pass on telling the details, is a slippery slope and not a good lesson to teach in relation to responsibility. ETA:"The girls aren't juvenile delinquents... While the children are not juvenile deliquents, they have exceptionally bad manners. For me, it is inexcusable in anyway because after re-reading your post it doesn't seem as though they were going through the purse to find the list, but for another reason and that is what I would be most worried about.
Warcrack, it's not for kids.
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 03:27 PM (EST)
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18. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
*blink*Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say (censored). It's kind of hard to include in my definition of total juvenile delinquent anyone who's honestly capable of the following conversation: 'Okay, we've got the purse! What do you want to get first? Cash? Checkbook? Credit cards?' 'Forget all that stupid stuff. We've got to prioritize -- I'm going for the chorus list!' The word that comes to mind here are 'gossip'. Also 'snoop' and 'future networker supreme'. But the labels you're slapping down are a little too harsh and way too permanent. Or would you be willing to accept having people use your first playground kiss to label you a sexual harasser?
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syren 5418 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 03:30 PM (EST)
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19. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
All children make mistakes, and need the guidance of their parent to learn from those mistakes. I don't think, from what we know, that the two things this child has been involved in automatically makes her a juvenile delinquent, although I do feel without the proper parental guidance that could happen or be the case.I don't think that the information given constitutes that she has major problems, as I know many people from when I was a kid who cheated in some way, or did something stupid, who have grown into very well rounded responsible members of society. I would explain to my child that sometimes the friends you keep are not the people you need in your life, but ultimately it is her decision...because I know I would rather know who my child is friends with and try to push them into the right direction then forbidding them from being around them and have my child do it behind my back.
Warcrack, it's not for kids.
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mysticwolf 10692 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 03:18 PM (EST)
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16. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
I think I'd talk to my daughter about personal space and why it is never okay to go through someone else's belongings without permission. I'd explain why it's sometimes necessary to make the hard choice to speak up about wrongdoing, but why it's necessary and how, if no one speaks up behavior like this that someone "gets away with" can escalate. Then I'd give her 3 choices for how to deal with it and let her pick.1) You talk to the girls and give them the option of going, with or without you, to the teacher to confess and apologize. Explain that, one way or another, the teacher is going to be told and that doing it themselves shows maturity and may lead to more leniency than otherwise. This would be my favorite choice. It's akin to the kid that swipes a candy bar. You'd make the kid take it back, pay for it, and apologize, you wouldn't do it for them (I hope). 2) You say nothing to the girls ahead of time and she goes to the teacher, with or without you, and explain what she saw and what she was told they did while in her purse (look at the list). Not bad, but it puts her in the position of tattling and doesn't teach the girls anything about personal responsibility. 3) She does nothing, but you go to the teacher yourself to explain what you heard. My least favorite option. Yeah, her friends might not like her for awhile. Then again, does she really need to be friends with girls that behave that way and then put her in the position of either tacitly supporting their actions or doing what she knows is the right thing? It doesn't sound to me like these are very good friends if they're going to put her in this kind of position. Maybe now, at the outset, is the time for her to make her stand that while she likes them she's not about to just go along with them no matter what they do. Good luck, and welcome. 
A smokeysmom
"In the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught." - Baba Dioum
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dabo 26942 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 04:15 PM (EST)
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30. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
Geez, work with me here, willya! Did the kid get the same information that the other kids stole, that's possession right there. CL's overthinking this thing, she needs to be an example for her daughter.
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Buggy 5089 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 05:20 PM (EST)
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33. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
LAST EDITED ON 05-02-08 AT 05:21 PM (EST)If I punished my daughter for telling me something she knows was inappropriate, then she'll start to feel like she can't share any information with me. Information and communication are essential during these years. That's exactly what I was thinking, why would someone want to punish their child for doing the right thing?
You want your child to trust you and come to you with this type of moral dilemna, and especially feel safe coming to you with more serious things. I think Dabo is absolutely wrong on this one. I can't imagine grounding my teen for something their friends do. Hi and Welcome Casual Labor! 
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AyaK 10426 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 05:26 PM (EST)
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34. "Hmmm" |
Wow, this is a hard one.I don't want to give anyone else advice on what to do. There isn't a right answer to that question, and there really isn't a wrong answer except to laugh it off, which it's obvious is not in your plans. What would be the best outcome? I agree with others that the best outcome is for these two girls to own up to what they did and tell the teacher. But how possible is that outcome? I have no way of knowing. So why did your daughter tell you? Because she wants to know what to do. As far as I can tell, she's done nothing wrong, and she's looking for guidance -- but she doesn't need discipline, for those whp want to punish her. What guidance would I give? Well, first I'd emphasize that to hang around with these two kids is a surefire way to ruin her life. And I'd have to tell the other kids' parents, if I knew them at all. If I didn't know them, I might see if any of the other parents that I know knew them. This is the kind of thing that a parent should know, but my fear is that the parents might turn out to be like Dana Matherson's parents in Hoot: enablers. In that case, I'd just want my daughter to stay away from these kids. As far as telling the school or the teacher: no way, Jose. Heck, you don't even know if these kids have really seen the list or if they're just spreading the story that they have.
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CutsyTootsy 1795 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Herbal Healing Drugs Endorser"
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05-02-08, 06:02 PM (EST)
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35. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
I have a 13 year old dd so I know the age. First of all, it's great she told you about this- she's obviously asking for help on how to deal with it. I would sit with her and work through all the options together. Then maybe you and her can sit down with the two girls and help them decide what to do. I think as long as you keep the communication open with your dd that she'll come to you with much bigger things than this. Personally, as for what I think the girls should do- they should admit it to the teacher what they did and ask for forgiveness. Hopefully they will learn something from this situation. Good luck! 
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aquariaqueen 2616 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Survivor-themed Cruise Spokesperson"
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05-02-08, 07:25 PM (EST)
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38. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
To me this has nothing to do with finding the list. This has everything to do with a violation of someone's property. That is wrong. That is trespassing. And possibly stealing.Take it to the teacher or the principal, whichever you think will handle it in an appropriate manner. 
“I love Jesus but I drink a little”. Gladys Hardy
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Sunny_Bunny 5597 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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05-02-08, 08:13 PM (EST)
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40. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
I've not looked at all of the responses, so bear with me if I am saying the same thing everyone else has said.First off, as a teacher I would want to know if someone had gone through my things. I've had things stolen from me before, so I've taken to locking my bag in the file cabinet as soon as I empty it in the morning. I was lucky, since my wallet had no money in it, the student tossed it on the ground in the hallway and another student picked it up and gave it to security. Other teachers have not been so lucky. This teacher needs to know that there are students out there who have NO regard for her personal space or property. She has to know, because next time it might not be a piece of paper - it could be her wallet. Which brings me to my next point. To the students who did this, they most likely believe that it was no big deal because it was just a piece of paper - but the fact of the matter is, it was stealing. If they didn't have permission to be in the bag, and they took something out of it - that's stealing. You have no control over what other kids do. However, you do have control over your daughter, who needs to hear that no matter what they were looking for, her friends had no business rifling through the teachers bag without her permission, let alone taking something out of it. I don't believe she should be punished, as she didn't go through the bag - but she does need to be told that she should have said something at the time to let her friends know that they were doing the wrong thing. Telling THEM does not make her a snitch; it makes her a good friend whether they see that at the time or not.
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casual labor 29 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beauty Pageant Celebrity Judge"
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05-02-08, 08:53 PM (EST)
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41. "RE: Middle School Moral Dillema" |
She told me this morning, so we didn't have a lot of time to go over it. Most of my time was taken up questioning her to make sure her story made sense and was accurate. When I felt that she was telling me the truth and everything kinda jived, I told her that I was glad she told me and that what her friends did was wrong. She agreed. We're going to go over it again this weekend. I try not to saturate her with the same subject so that she just turns me off, but I find creative ways to bring it up without her realizing we're talking about it.....again. Thanks to all of you for your input. My knee-jerk reaction was to go to the VP this morning and let her know. Now, I'm thinking I can turn this around and use it as a lesson for her about right/wrong, stealing, friendship and a number of other subjects. I'll probably still go to the teacher and tell her that her things were gone through so that she'll know to keep the temptation out of prying eyes. Leaving work now.........my co-worker has decided to crank up his disco music and others are encourging it. Can't think anymore...MUST LEAVE! Thanks everyone.
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