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PLEASE NOTE: The Reality TV World Message Boards are filled with desperate
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with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."
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"Really Need Some Help Here"
calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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07-27-05, 07:46 PM (EST)
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"Really Need Some Help Here" |
DH and I are getting awfully close to having kids placed in the house, so now my normal worrying is kicking in. Without imposing too much on your time, can you tell me what has been good and what has been bad about being a parent? I have been doing some reading on discipline, and I think I will be lousy at it! Is being a parent all about "don't do this, and don't do that"? Somehow that wasn't how I imagined it, but that is what my co-workers are telling me!
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ginger 22512 desperate attention whore postings
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07-27-05, 08:19 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
The responsibility can be terrifying if you let it get to you. The thing is to remember just to try your best - you can't be perfect - and simply marinade your kids in love. As long as they feel loved, even a mistake in parenting is not a catostrophe. There are so many great things, I can't even list them. You remember afresh how exciting things like holidays were to you as a child because you enjoy your child's enthusiasm. When your child makes you something special at school, you will want to have it hung in the Smithsonian, you'll be so proud. And kids are also very funny. I'll post more later. 
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PagongRatEater 12996 desperate attention whore postings
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07-27-05, 09:01 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
I agree. Nothing is more important than making sure that your kids know that they are loved. I know it sounds all new agey and totally out of character for me, but discipline, leaving with sitters, self-esteem, ability to act independently, having honest children - all of these things arise from your children knowing that they are loved.I think that discipline is ESSENTIAL, but becomes much less necessary once you establish your authority as a parent. Having the respect of your kids is much more important than being their friend IMHO. Being firm and ALWAYS following through on promises (or threats) will make sure that your kids know they can take you at your word. One thing I've noticed that a lot of bad parents do often is constant empty threats and no follow up. Make sure if you say something that you are willing to do it. And be willing to apologize when you get it wrong. Remember their are a lot of idiots who manage to raise kids. You're not going to be perfect, but realizing that parenting is hard work and being willing to DO that work will go a long way. 
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Seana 5044 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-27-05, 09:07 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
I bet you'll be good at it. Obviously you're concerned, so that's really in your favour.My kids are still young, 6 and 3, so maybe I'm not the person to answer, but here are a few rules I have for myself: 1. Praise good behaviour, especially if independent. "Hey, big girl, I noticed how you helped your little brother find the other toy like the one you're playing with. That way, you both have a toy and no-one feels left out and you're not fighting over that one. Good job." For example. Surprisingly effective. 2. Be consistent. I can't punish something today and not tomorrow. 3. Never threaten unless I follow through. "You'll spend the rest of the day in your room." is a crappy threat at 9:00 am. No T.V. tonight, Barbies gone for day or two, those are effective, but only if you do them. 4. The kids aren't bad, the behaviour is. Not "you're a bad boy". Instead: "That wasn't a nice thing to do." or (my personal favourite) "That was a bad idea." 5. I like to tell them I love them a lot. And I like to tell them true things about themselves they can be proud of. DS just turned 3. The other week, I told him Iloved him. You know what he said? "Me know dat, mom." Well, fine. The sucky bits are: 1. Getting mad. 2. Stuff gets ruined. Even stuff you've kept since you were young. Precious, irreplacable things. *sigh* 3. The TV shows. I am so. sick. of kids' TV shows. The good bits are: 1. Singing: "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh, what fun to ride on a horse to make it good and sure...HEY!" "Pie-derman! Pie-derman! Does a pie-der can!" 2. Dancing: I wish I had digital video. 3. A lapful of snugglebunnies. 4. Christmas morning. 5. New eyes seeing things you're complacent about, making you see them again with fresh eyes. Oops, excuse me, I think I just got a bit of sentiment in my eye. *sniff* 
There's more, obviously, but this post is really long. Sorry.
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Bbear 601 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 01:06 PM (EST)
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27. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
What Seana said....My boys are just about to turn 4 and 7. They've had a rough time over the last year with the separation and moving, etc. but because they know they are loved by both their dad and I they seem to have weathered it well. Don't sweat the discipline, you will find out what works best for you and the kids over time. But empty threats don't work. Always follow through and never choose something you can't actually do (such as remaining in a room all day or throwing away their toys if they don't clean up)as a punishment. Most of all cherish the fingerprints on the glass doors, the sticky hugs and kisses, legos all over the floor, spilled milk and broken things, because if they are there it means you have an abundance of pure love in your life. 
>Handcrafted by RollDdice
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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07-27-05, 10:50 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
LAST EDITED ON 07-27-05 AT 10:51 PM (EST)Good things? Too many to list. And different things have different meanings to different people. Bad things? It is work. You lose a lot of independence. You can't just up and go whenever you want. You have to work around their school/social/sleep schedules. You'll just get to put your feet up after a long day and someone will puke. But, the good outweighs the bad. The good happens more often than the bad. They become a part of your life that you can't imagine not having had before. Discipline? Just teach. Teach them what you've learned about life, manners, etc. Teach them what they need to know to be safe and healthy. Yes, this means that you have to put on that stern face when they get near the stove/fireplace. And it breaks your heart to do it, but you have to teach them. The most important thing with discipline in my opinion is that you and your partner must be on the same page. Make sure that you support each other in teaching your kitten "right" from "wrong." Finally, and don't take this the wrong way because I'm sure your co-workers are fine, but just a general word of caution: I found during both of my pregnancies that there are a lot of people who are very negative about parenthood and children. That's not to say that people don't love their kittens, of course, but people get tired and feel wistful about the "good ol' days" of freedom of responsibility and not having to worry about another person (at least that's what I like to think; maybe I'm giving them too much credit). I'm sure if you ask them to tell you the good things they would also say that the list is far too long. I guess what I'm saying is that people will go out of their way to tell you all the "bad" stuff first, just as a way of venting. Don't let it get you down on parenting. 
The world is my litterbox.
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 06:25 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Being a parent is all about "being" -- being a parent! It's not so much "do this and don't do that" as it is being active in your role as a parent as you continuously give your children love, care and attention.Every family is different. Books and people will advise this and advise that, and only you and your DH will know what works best for you and your family. And like everything else, you will make some mistakes, and you will get better at it with experience. Having said that, I really like all the posts so far by ginger, PRE, frisky and especially by Seana, who I think captures the spirit of being a parent in a way that is both serious and light-hearted. Being a parent is a serious responsibility, yet it is also one of life's greatest treasures to be enjoyed. Savor every moment of it. As frisky said, "They become a part of your life that you can't imagine not having had before." And that's exactly how I feel as a parent. Discipline? Together with your DH, teach them to discipline themselves and your job as parents will be that much easier. Seana gave a really good list of five pointers with examples and anecdotes that made me smile ear to ear. As everyone so far here has said, love is at the core of being a parent, and of being a happy child within a harmonious family. PRE said it perfectly, "Nothing is more important than making sure that your kids know that they are loved." You know you're doing it right when, as Seana put it, "The other week, I told him I loved him. You know what he said? 'Me know dat, mom.' Well, fine." Fine, indeed!  Finally, yours is a special case, taking in adopted children. You probably already know from the home study interviews and other discussions that this may pose some unique challenges. You may have to give extra attention to them as they adjust to life in your home with you and your DH. There are some things they may need to learn that thay haven't had the chance to learn yet, things they could have learned had they been in a stable, loving home from birth. With your guidance, the first few weeks and months will be important in setting their direction and their role within your family. Over time, they will grow increasingly more confident that you are (and always will be) there for them with your love, care and attention. My DW and I both wish you and your DH all the best for your success as parents within a loving and harmonious family. It's a treasure of a lifetime. 
"Timeless at lightspeed"
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Draco Malfoy 10525 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 07:18 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
I'd suggest leashes.  I'm sure you'll do fine. 
"Speaking of Draco, he has serious issues, still, the little snot." - kathliam
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ginger 22512 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 06:25 PM (EST)
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32. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
The day Sneetch, at 2, went rocketing towards the head of a three-story mall escalator, intent on flinging herself down it, I wished more than anything that I had had a leash on her.
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Snidget 44369 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 07:26 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
No personal experience, but from what I've seen of my friends with kids these are the things that seem to be important in making parenting something other than a full time run after them saying don't all the time.1. Both parents (and any other adults living in the house) have to get together and agree on the rules and the consequences. If you don't have a united front they will divide and conquer. Consistancy seems to be the key. Rules without consequences is a recipe for disaster. 2. Pick your battles. When figuring out which rules you will enforce decide which hill you are willing to die for and what things are going to be no big deal. Some of my friends with really good kids are lax on things that don't matter (you want purple hair with green highlights, fine. But they are strict on the things that matter...you will do your homework every night) 3. Start early. They really are never too young to start learning how to behave. If you spend the first 3 years unintentionally (usually) teaching them to be holy terrors, trying to get them to be good well behaved children when they are 4 will be a nightmare. And this is both praise for doing some behavior you want them to do as well as informing them that some behaviors are not acceptable. Having both seems more effective than either just praising good stuff with no consequences for doing bad stuff, or just punishing bad behavior. 4. If you goal is to make sure your child never has a moment of upset, disappointment, anger, life is unfair feelings, or any other negative human experience, you are doomed. They will take over and rule you. Life is unfair, things will upset, disapoint, and anger you. Trying to make sure your child never has to face that seems to be something that all to often and quickly leads to teaching them to be a holy terror. (i.e. the kids who know that if they just scream loud enough in the store Mommy will buy them every single thing they want because the goal is to make the child continuously happy and never ever disappointed) 5. Trust yourself more than any expert or book. I think sometimes we let the experts confuse us from what we know to be right for us. 6. Every parent I know has tons of bright shining moments that makes it all worth while. Take the time to really enjoy those when they occur. Where you focus yourself will make a big difference in how you experience the whole process. 
Thank you to http://www.angelfire.com/rpg/patronus
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geg6 14941 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 08:53 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Let me preface this by saying I have no children. I don't want any children. But I have lots of friends and relatives who do, through birth and through adoption. And DBF and I have worked in education for over 20 years and seen and dealt with many other peoples' children.IMO, there are a few things that seem to work best: * Love, love, love. I don't mean indulgence here. I mean concern, interest, touching, and talking. Kids that know they are loved are well-adjusted and secure. * Being a parent and not a friend. Parents command respect. Friends don't. If you are worried about discipline, this seems to me to be the most important factor. Sometimes, your child will not like you because you are not being a friend but are being a parent. That's OK. In the end, they'll appreciate it. * Let them fail. It's true that failure is one of the best learning experiences. Don't cushion every fall. Don't blindly defend. Help them examine their failures, support their efforts, be there for both the good and bad experiences. A child builds better and more realistic self-esteem from trial, error, and improvement than by constantly being told they are perfect and can do no wrong. * Make sure they have fun. Although growing up is a serious business, part of that serious business is knowing how to relax. I see way too many kids who are stressed out because of the weight of their parents' expectations. Make fun a priority. These are the lessons I learned from my parents and I turned out pretty well. Good luck to you and I wish you all the best in this most joyful of all adventures. 
I'm such a slut for the blues.
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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07-28-05, 08:59 AM (EST)
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11. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Thanks Geg, you posted while I was posting. For someone who chose not to have kids, you have alot of useful info! And your thoughts are certainly in line with mine on what makes a good childhood. These children will have been through really bad things, and the last thing I want to do is be just another bad experience.
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 08:56 AM (EST)
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9. "Can't thank you all enough" |
Draco, I am going to start with you because the leashes are all too tempting-all my current children have 4 legs!
Ginger, Pre, Seana, Frisky, Cahaya, and Snidget: your posts contained real wisdom, and some point by point advice, and that is what I have been trying to gather. I found things from all of you that would help me. Seana, your post brought some sentiment to my eye too.
Supplying lots of love has not been a worry for me, I have always had more maternal currency than I was able to spend. I like Snidget's suggestion of not stressing on the unimportant stuff. I like Seana's tips for praising the good behavior when it happens. And I see from all of you that Tom and I have to be in accord on discipline. I don't expect kids to be perfect little robots. I try to think what rules would really be needed in this house. I think manners, especially in public. Treating animals with kindness. No hitting of brothers and sisters. That doesn't mean they won't argue-that is a lost cause! No tearing stuff up on purpose, accidents can't be helped. Must do homework and must go to school unless sick. I don't believe in forcing a kid to eat everything on their plate or in forcing them to eat food they hate. Got to take a bath or shower every day. Did I miss anything?
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:18 AM (EST)
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13. "RE: Can't thank you all enough" |
Thanks Frisky! You are a dollcat. I forgot about bedtime. What did you do if they wanted to refuse to go to bed? Right now I am thinking of starting bedtime earlier than they need and allowing some time lying in bed with a book or a story for littler ones. Did anything else help?
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dragonflies 8051 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:24 AM (EST)
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15. "RE: Can't thank you all enough" |
Music helps. Or a fan-white noise
eek! A scary sig by Bob (with a MONSTER!)
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Breezy 18380 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:25 AM (EST)
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16. "RE: Can't thank you all enough" |
Not Frisky, but I'll say ROUTINE! And stick with it. Reading to them is a great idea.
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:33 AM (EST)
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18. "RE: Can't thank you all enough" |
I was going to say the same thing. Kittens are really big on routines. Especially if they're fun. Get some funky toothbrushes and flavoured toothpaste. Read to them. Stick to one book. If you start to read another and another, they'll want six books every night. "Race" to the bedroom. Kittens love to race. Let them win, of course. If the kitten is very young, pick up its favourite toy and say "okay, Kitten isn't going to bed, so mommy is going to have to put Mr. Woofwoof to bed by himself" and proceed to cuddle Mr. Woofwoof while you walk to the bedroom with him. Kitten will follow. Just keep in mind that because they are so into routines, they become creatures of habit, so anything you do to get them to bed, you'll have to repeat it the next night and the next night and the next night. So don't do anything you wouldn't want to do again and again and again.
The world is my litterbox.
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:33 AM (EST)
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17. "RE: Can't thank you all enough" |
Bedtime works best as a routine in line with the rhythm of the household. For some families, that means kids in bed at 9, other families at 11. Younger, the sooner (younger kids require more sleep). A good routine is a bedtime story or music and a personal "sweet dreams" tuck-in. Maybe save a day or two (like Fridays and/or Saturdays) where they can stay up later, especially if y'all go out for evening family entertainment.The other important thing is to make sure they get up on time. If they oversleep, they'll end up not being able to sleep on time later that night.
"Timeless at lightspeed"
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:45 AM (EST)
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20. "A gold mine!" |
Somehow I knew you all would have more practical help than I was getting in the books. Cahaya, I love that idea for later on weekend nights. We like to play board games, so I was thinking something like a game night with popcorn and etc... I don't think any of you know how truly inexperienced I am. I was an only child, and we never even lived near my extended family. So with newborns I have a little experience, but with toddlers on up--it is ALL fly by the seat of the pants.
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:50 AM (EST)
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22. "RE: A gold mine!" |
Be really careful that you don't go too much later on weekend nights, though. My kittens can go an extra hour. That's it. If you let them stay up later, Sunday nights and Monday mornings will be a very difficult. You'll get their body clocks all out of whack.I think it's important to remember that kids are people and all people are different. We should listen to our bodies first and foremost. This doesn't exclude kittens. If your kitten is very much bound by routine (like my male), don't break the routine on weekends. If your kitten bounces back quickly from changes in routine (like my female), then you can get away with letting them stay up later. Be flexible at first as you get to know them and how they tick. Once you've gotten a good feel for how they "work," you can set more personalized routines.
The world is my litterbox.
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Maroonclown 5829 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:40 AM (EST)
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19. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
We're childless by choice but having watched my brother and sister-in-law in action has provided me with insight into childrearing and has provided me with a life lesson.When things look like they are out of control my sister-in-law just asks the question "Is anyone bleeding?" It keeps things in perspective. She's a great mom who doesn't sweat the little stuff. Her boys (10 & 14) are gems. As an example, the 14 year old decided to let his hair grow. No matter how much ribbing he got at school he refused to cut his hair and his mom refused to make him. After it was halfway down his back he asked his mom to take him for a haircut and he donated the hair to Wigs for Cancer Kids. The neat thing about it is he never told anyone why he was growing his hair. This to me is a fine example of love received is love given. I'm sure you'll do a great job and the fact that you're worried is a good sign.
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 09:50 AM (EST)
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21. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Now that? Is a special kid! Someone has done a good job raising a kid with care like that for others.
I will have to write that "is anyone bleeding" line in my homework. lol The book that got me so stressed out to begin with actually had similar advice about having to let them hit the wall (as they called it).
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weltek 16936 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 10:17 AM (EST)
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23. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
I'm sure you'll be fine. I mean, you obviously care enough to ask for advice & listen to others. That's a major step!You are going to have so many melting moments (smiles, giggles, love yous & more). There are two parts that freak me out. They say the hardest part of parenting is probably consistency. We've all seen that discussed ad nausem on Nanny 911. The other tough part (or so it seems to me) is role modeling for your children. Think of all the things you want for your children : They don't watch too much tv, they should read & enjoy it, they should be physically fit & active, they should appreciate the outdoors, they shouldn't sit on the computer too much, they should eat right. I mean, I know I'M not the best role model for all of these & it would take a huge conscious effort for me to become that role model. So maybe a piece of advice from me (a non parent, but also freaked at the thought of parenting): Make a conscious effort to foster things in your child by being a role model. Have family reading time, take educational vacations, go to the park/nature walks, turn off the t.v. when you aren't watching it. And remember, there are no perfect parents. I like what others said about love. If you give them enough love, the parenting mistakes won't be such a big deal. 
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 11:56 AM (EST)
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24. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
become that role model.Very true. Children follow what they see, not what they are told. And children love every minute doing something new and different with their parents.
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 12:09 PM (EST)
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25. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Thanks Weltek. You couldn't be more right about the role model thing. I have noticed in my neighborhood the children almost never play outside anymore. And have I heard wrong that they have stopped making them take PE in school? We are very bad about the tv and computer, so how could I expect kids not to be?
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blacknwhitedog 6532 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 12:36 PM (EST)
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26. "Discipline" |
Cal- I'm sure you'll do great!I have a question about discipline. We are in the process to adopt and I've been reading about adoptive children and bonding. Apparently "time outs" are not recommended for adopted children who were institutionalized (in orphanage). But they recommend something called "time in" which I don't really understand. Any other ideas? Also we have to sign an affidavit that we won't spank. (this is for international adoption- not domestic) 
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 02:09 PM (EST)
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28. "RE: Discipline" |
we have to sign an affidavit that we won't spank. (this is for international adoption- not domestic)I wonder, maybe this depends on the country your adopting from. My DW and I never had to sign an affidavit like that. Not that I would ever spank our baby girl anyway! We did, however, have to pass clearance for both U.S. and local criminal records and child abuse registries. Just an update (I know CC is curious): We'll have to wait until our adopted baby girl is 2 years old to get her a local passport so she can travel. It's local law, not related to U.S. approval, which we already have. Until we get her a local passport, no visa can be issued. It's a setback, but only in terms of time. We'll just have to be patient in planning our move back to the U.S. a little less than one more year after being here almost 20 years.
"Timeless at lightspeed"
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 03:13 PM (EST)
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30. "RE: Discipline" |
>My DW and I You're a dude??!  *adds cahaya to the Spidey file* I am SO bad at this.
The world is my litterbox.
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 06:27 PM (EST)
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33. "RE: Discipline" |
You're a dude??!Last time I (and my DW) looked, yeah! *laugh* It's been public knowledge for quite a while, y'know. Either you're not reading my posts or you forgot to do the usual sniff test. You're not alone... I've gotten genders wrong here before, and there's still a few I'm guessing, not that it really matters all that much.
"Timeless at lightspeed"
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frisky 11695 desperate attention whore postings
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07-28-05, 10:09 PM (EST)
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40. "RE: Discipline" |
Of course I read you!  You know what I think happened is that I got you mixed up with Kahana Sunset, who is most certainly a chick (I think). Come to think of it, I haven't heard from Kahunas in some time. Hope she's okay.
The world is my litterbox.
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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07-28-05, 06:09 PM (EST)
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31. "RE: Discipline" |
Awww Cahaya! They are going to make you wait the whole time! I'm really sorry!!! I know you wanted to get on back as soon as possible.
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cahaya 19891 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 06:39 PM (EST)
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34. "RE: Discipline" |
Well, that's the life (and the law!). Already aware of the local Child Act, which places restrictions on local passport issuance to adopted children until their 2nd birthday, we had a notion it would come to this. The good side to all of this is that our baby girl is now legally adopted as far as both the American and local governments are concerned. It's just that we have to wait about 10 months for the travel documents to be issued on her 2nd birthday. We're patient about making the move, and our baby girl is certainly worth the wait!My son and I plan to return back soon for a short 2-3 week visit to get him applied for university while I scout out the job/housing market in Indy. My DW and DD will remain here, as we don't want to leave DD all alone. How soon do you expect your adopted children to come into your household?
"Timeless at lightspeed"
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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07-28-05, 09:19 PM (EST)
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38. "RE: Discipline" |
I'm glad this delay wasn't a wrench in your plans. Without a doubt your daughter is worth it! What are you going to do if you get a job and need to start pretty immediately? Come on ahead and set up household?
It would be a hoot if there was a peep meet you could hit while you were in the States!
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CutsyTootsy 1795 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Herbal Healing Drugs Endorser"
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07-28-05, 03:10 PM (EST)
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29. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
As a mom of three (10, 8, 6) I think you've gotten some really great advice so far. Top 5 for me- love, consistency, willing to admit your mistakes, laughter, and not taking myself so seriously- all good advice.I'm so excited and happy for you!
Handcrafted by RollDdice - Thanks, Roll!
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BlueLies 398 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Cooking Show Host"
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07-28-05, 07:27 PM (EST)
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35. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
What's good about being a parent?To know that another human being loves you very much unconditionally. To see yourself in them (even if you're not the bio parent) Satisfaction in teaching them all kinds of awesome stuff Making a positive/productive difference in someone else's life To see how all of the good things you have given/shown to your kids come back to you in any number of ways (like if you treat them with respect, they will treat others with respect) Seeing life through a child's eyes and reliving all the fun things you used to do... bulldozing with a Tonka or inner tubing in the lake, amusement parks, Christmas and Birthdays... etc. What's bad about parenting? Not much really, probably mostly having to watch out for other people and their way-blown-out-of-proportion carp... like when my toddler swiped the last bite of my friend's cornbread off her table, and she had a little hissy fit, or the extreme parents of other children that associate in and/or around your children like the overly protective or the overly casual types. In the teen years, probably peer pressure and the effects it can have on your child's personality. 
http://news.yahoo.com/comics/
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mysticwolf 10692 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 07:28 PM (EST)
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36. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
LAST EDITED ON 07-28-05 AT 08:05 PM (EST)While I agree with all that has been written here, about love & consistency, and not sweatingg the small stuff, it occurred to me that most, if not all responses, are coming from folks that are talking about their own children. Little people that thhey have raised, and loved, from the moment thhey entered the world. Foster kids can be another story. By the time you get them many have already been through He!! & back. Time for me to make good about the help I said I could get you from a neighbor. One who hhas had many, many foster kids through their doors, and has adopted at least 13 of them (and counting - 2 more expected to be adopted later this year). I can only impart some of what she suggested here. She is willing for me to share her e-mail with you, but I promised I'd do that in a private message... So look for the red-wavy-flag thingy. First sugggestion: They must share all information about the child with you. Take notes & tell them you'll talk it over & get back withh them. God help us, there really are some kids, as young as 2, that have been through so much that you won't be able to change much. The good news is that there are many more that you can reach. She suggests that, at your age, and given that you're just starting out, younger is better, and, at this point, at least, no 13yr. old males that have already been involved in rapes (they do exist, I gather). Get that info. & really talk about it with DH to see if you are willing/able to take the case on. Figure out some basic house rules in advance. The ones that are non-negotiable (basic respect, school, homework, chores, etc.) Write them out & even if they are young, sit down with them - try to make it a fun time - and talk about what you expect, and what they want/expect. Let them (particularly if they're older) look them over, then meet again to negotiate things like curfews & consequences. Like everyone else said... consistency is important. As PRE said, love & respect is more important than friendship (it is the behavior, not the child, that is bad or inappropriate) - but that goes both ways. Love may be unconditional, but it is not the same thing as trust & respect. Trust & respect go both ways. While you are earning their respect, they (particularly if they are older) need to understand that they must earn your respect. With that may come easing of some things like curfew restrictions. One major sugestion she made (learned with much experience) is that you work out telephone rules - particularly, but not limited to, older kids. She suggests cancelling any long distance on your line & using a calling card for your purposes. It's usually cheaper than the phone company anyway, and it's a whole lot cheaper than a surprise at the end of the month. Now - go look for your red-flag-thingy. Stop worrying. You'll be wonderful parents. Read what everyone else has said and remember that, whatever else, almost none of these kids are responsible for the situation they find themselves in. You'll be champions, of that I have no doubt. And, you have my utmost admiration for what you are doing. Edited to say (cause I forgot & also to answer an earlier post that asked) She said that one of the most important things she's done is to make it clear that they are not going to be sitting & watching TV all day. Evidently, a lot of them expect that. Too bad, so sad... TV time is limited. Also, she said that the rules seem to have been standardized across states - no physical punishment allowed, under any circumstances - so spanks are out. Don't know what a time-in is, but she said that if you were going to "put them in the corner" or the "time-out" chair (which she recommends for the younger set) it can't be longer than 1 minute per year of age.
 
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites
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calamityc 1041 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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07-28-05, 09:15 PM (EST)
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37. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
This is incredibly helpful Mystic! And what I also read between the lines is that no matter how hard it has been, it had to be rewarding because your neighbor kept it up. We did specify under 11 years old. And there may be a long wait because they want to place siblings with us since we said we would take them. I have read alot on adoption, and have read that adoptees are even more likely to seek their siblings and maintain a relationship than their birth parents. But sometimes they cannot keep them together, because one child in the group may already be too damaged for home care or is dangerous to the siblings. One in particular had been molested so then turned and tried to molest his siblings.
These are not the normal problems. And it is true that there is no spanking. Since DH and I were both raised with spanking, that means we have made an agreement not to use what was used on us. That is the number one reason I was seeking advice, it has to be something that will work, but not fall into the category of physical punishment.
Alot of the problem in Tennessee right now is with meth labs being busted and the kids taken out of the home. That will have been bad enough on the kids, but won't necessarily mean they have been beaten, burned or starved. Or in the case of TWO I read about on crime news just today--pushed out of the car and left on the road. Wasn't that bad enough when they did it to animals?
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mysticwolf 10692 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 10:23 PM (EST)
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42. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Yeah, all you say is true. Even in the case of my neighbors, tere hhave been cases where they have been able to keep, handle, and adopt one, the other sibling has been too damaged to be able to stay in the home.That being said, my pet sitters come from that family. They are now part of a large, loving, family - the parents of whom are (the dad) the biological children of the folks I've put you into contact with. There are 3 of them (the adopted sibs - the family also has 3 biologic children). Their dad is still in prison for the sexual child abuse he subjected them to when they were together - don't have a clue what happened to mom. The eldest boy (they were removed from the home & adopted when the youngest - our primary pet sitter was 3) is in the Service. Eldest girl was married last year & (I found out when I talked to her Grandmom on your behalf) just learned she's about to become a mom. The youngest - a male - is our primary, & most reliable, petsitter. He's engaged to be married next year. We hhad only one problem. During an extended trip to Australia it seems he found the X-rated PPV channels on our TV. We had quite a bill. His sister (one of the biologics) discovered it when she came by to take care of the pets. Seems he wasn't quite smart enough to change channels before he left. She managed quite a bit of coerced "slave labor" out of him before we got our bill. (Hmmm.... 17 yr. old girl, 10 yr. old girl, 14 yr. old boy??? Who might be watching "Naked with Nicky"???) We had quite a conversation (after I talked to his mom & some counselors at work about how to handle it) - the neighbor lady (me)& he... Can't imagine anything more embarassing for a kid that age. I gave him chores to do - and they weren't nice, easy, clean stuff. We had 10 dogs, 10 cats, & 3+ acres of lawn & woods - and a majorly dirty garage. He got over it (as well as his embarrassment at being caught, in an earlier incident, by an older brother stealing a collectible coin from us & having to return it). He still looks after our pets. We consider him a friend (as well as a surrogate child) and we look forward with great pleasure to his impending nuptuals. He's turned out to be a great kid. Stuff happens. Even if they aren't adopted or foster. They're kids. One note I might add that has worked for his family, as well as for mine & DH's (both of which are large)... Doesn't matter if it's mom or dad. If it's an adult & they ask/tell you to do it - you do (assuming, of course, that it's not illegal or immoral). Period! Particularly if it's family - but not limited to that. Adults, not kids, rule the world. That's just how it is.
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites
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Drive My Car 20045 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-28-05, 09:53 PM (EST)
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39. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
O only have a minute, and didn't have time to read all the wonderful answers ( and you got some good ones)I will say that sure, you will worry, being a parenting makes you worry. And it's a job, and a responsibilty, but it's fun too. Kids laugh a lot, and they'll make you laugh too.
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pythonfan 3348 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"
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07-28-05, 10:13 PM (EST)
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41. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
Haven't read the other responses, but I'd say that the most effective discipline doesn't deal with "dont' do this dont' do that" That said, of course, you have to say no. You have to set boundaries, but IMO, it is far more effective to show children how to behave, rather than to tell them how not to behave.Much as I hate to admit it, I often find that when my children are doing such and such wrong, it's a reflection of what they've seen DH or myself do...
"Nothing says romance like baboons on your car." - seana
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mom2bjm 1467 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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07-29-05, 08:49 AM (EST)
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43. "RE: Really Need Some Help Here" |
You all have given some fabulous advice to CC, as well as some great reminders the I can think about to better my own parenting! Been a parent for nearly 11 years, and don't do all these things well.. Thank you!  Another fabulous Siggie from Cyg!Still working on the picking your battles, esp with an 8YO.
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