You Hurt My Widdle Feewings Hey kids, it’s summary time again!
We start with the recaps. All of you who’ve been watching this drekk for a number of years know that the recraps keep getting longer because the show itself keeps getting more boring. For anybody who really wants to know what happened last week, I highly recommend Draco Malfoy’s summary, but the only stuff you really need to know is that there is a hidden immunity idol somewhere in the jungle designed to shake up the game and that Bobby Jon and Jamie are having a widdle tiff, presumably because each is worried the other is going to take away his potential role as “Redneck #3" on an upcoming episode of Real World: Birmingham. Oh, and Brandon got voted out, which means for the second straight Survivor Steph will at least make the jury and we have to put up with Probst drooling all over her in every single episode.
Back from a commercial for CSI: Miami, the tribe is just getting back to camp after Brandon’s vote-out. Jamie’s widdle feewings are hurt because Bobby Jon got mad at tribal council and said he had no class. Judd of all people decides to play peacemaker. You know it’s bad when the big, fat crazy man starts sounding rational. Jamie tells Bobby Jon that even though Jamie’s actions showed no class it doesn’t mean he’s not a classy guy at heart. Presumably to end this pointless conversation, Bobby Jon agrees to make up with Jamie. Rafe basically decides that Jamie is crazy. Why it took him until Day 21 to come to that conclusion is anybody’s guess.
The next morning, Judd refuses to eat Lydia’s home-cooked meal and complains about the food. I will note that if Judd doesn’t eat for the next eighteen days, he’ll still be pretty darn fat. Gary, Danni, and Bobby Jon know they are the minority right now and so they set out looking for the hidden idol. Bobby Jon walks aimlessly around swatting flies. Shockingly, this does not help him find the idol. Danni resorts to prayer. Gary uses a confessional to relive the one game of his short-lived professional career where he apparently did something to help win a game and figures if he did it then he could do it again. More footage of Gary and Danni wandering aimlessly in the jungle. Hey at least it’s more interesting than watching Jamie sulk and sleep.
Time for a reward challenge to try to liven this bunch up. It’s the “toss an inert object native to the random country we brought you to as close as you can to a target” challenge. In this case, the survivors will be tossing Lydia. No, seriously it’s an arrow being tossed using a Mayan weapon of some sort. Apparently, the original Mayans used the weapon to toss spears, but even Mark Burnett isn’t willing to trust Jamie and Judd’s medications to that extent. The reward is a clue to the immunity idol location. Also, the castaways will be ranked in order of their distance from the target and receive meals (best to worst) based on their performance.
Judd goes first and practically hits a bullseye. The next few minutes are spent watching the castaways fling arrows and Probst hammer little stakes into the ground and measure distances. Yawn. None of the others can best Judd’s mark; Lydia doesn’t even get her arrow halfway to the target. Jamie going last finishes fourth. Then he tells Jiffy that because of his bad attitude he’d like to take the last place meal and move everybody else up. Personally, I wish he’d just pull an Osten. But Jiffy recognizes that a starving Jamie equals a cranky Jamie, and that’s about the only chance we’ll have any drama on this episode, so he quickly agrees and Jamie drops below even Lydia in the pecking order.
After a commercial, the castaways enter a set made up to look like a Mayan lodge. Judd gets his own private table filled with steak, lobster, and an open bar. The others line up to receive their meals as well. Steph receives the fourth place meal (a burger) that Jamie gave up. Jamie claims that nothing tastes better than his “self-respect,” which is good since that and some nuts is all he’s eating. Most of the other meals are pretty decent. Even Lydia gets a fish. Jeff then tells Judd he can invite two people to share his meal and dessert. Judd figures that if Bobby Jon and Steph were popular enough with the viewers to get called back for a second series, he should put himself in their camp and promptly gives the two even more time to whore it up for the cameras.
Steph, Bobby Jon, and Judd proceed to split their meals and get rip-roaring drunk. Gary glowers, missing his own days as a media star. Back at camp, Judd starts hugging all the other men and slaps Bobby Jon’s backside. Before this turns into soft-core gay porn, the editors mercifully turn the cameras away.
Bobby Jon, completely bombed, thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk and decides to move an ancient Mayan tree. Judd tries to help him and knocks himself on his butt. He then proceeds to turn the shelter into his own private porcelain god. This would probably annoy me a little, but I think the castaways are so used to Judd being smelly and annoying that they’ve become pretty numb to the whole thing.
Judd’s reward clue says that the immunity idol is not located on the ground. Since he’s illiterate, he has Steph read the clue for him. He then tells everybody else that the idol is “totally” on the ground. I’m assuming “totally” is Joisey for “not.” I’m not sure even Lydia’s buying Judd on this one.
After some commercials which are far more entertaining than this drivel, we get to watch Jamie and Rafe playing in the sand. I think the game looks like jacks. For the millionth time, Jamie asks Rafe not to screw him over. Clearly, Jamie takes jacks way too seriously. I’d hate to see him playing “Smear the Queer.” Rafe decides Jamie is paranoid. Receiving a call from the clue phone he also deduces that Jamie’s decision to give up his meal at the reward challenge was more strategic than out of the goodness of his heart, principally because Jamie has no heart. And yes everyone, I do recognize that those last few zingers may well hurt Jamie’s widdle feewings. Frankly, I don’t care.
Next we learn that not only is Jamie paranoid, he’s also stone deaf. When he tells Gary that the plan is to vote off Bobby Jon, Gary nods and tells Jamie he’ll vote with him to get further in the game. Problem is Jamie hears this as Gary stating he will vote for him. He promptly relays this fact to King Judd and Queen Steph. Steph jumps on the “Jamie is crazy” bandwagon and starts making plans to knock him out of the game.
Bobby Jon brings back treemail stating that the next challenge involves balance. Jamie and Rafe immediately declare that this is a problem area for them, and start whining about how they should be able to play jacks instead. Meanwhile Gary and Danni start walking back and forth among the ruins. I think this is because they are practicing their balance, but it might just be sheer boredom. Having watched Gary and Danni wander around the jungle and now the camp, I’m hoping next they’ll just wander out of this season so we can move on to Survivor 12 and forget this season ever happened.
The challenge is a three-stage event, each involving various races across narrow ropes or beams. The first task is to untie two planks while crossing a narrow balance beam. Bobby Jon and Judd, apparently still drunk from the night before, can’t even stay on their beams. Steph, Gary, Jamie, and Rafe advance to the next round, where they use those planks to cross a rope bridge. Gary and Steph prove they are better at untying knots than at balancing by falling off (Gary) or dropping their planks (Steph), so Rafe and Jamie (the two lying jacks players who claimed to be bad at balance) advance. Jamie then shoots across the final rope bridge to guarantee himself three more days to become even more depressed and paranoid.
Back at camp, Jamie decides to use his newfound power position to target Gary, and Steph, Judd, and Rafe all agree. Gary proves he’s a dumb jock and not a math whiz by declaring he has a “32% chance” of being voted out tonight. He asks Steph flat out if he’s going, and she lies, telling him it’s Bobby Jon. Gary doesn’t trust her though, and keeps looking for the idol. He notices that Judd, despite his earlier claim that the idol is on the ground, keeps scanning the trees. While it’s possible Judd is just searching for relatives, Gary thinks Judd may be lying and decides to start checking trees too.
Bobby Jon starts a campaign against Steph, telling Jamie and Judd that she will cut their throats at the end. Frankly, I wish she’d do it sooner rather than later. The good ol’ boys tell him to calm down since he’s not the one going. So did everyone get that one last time, it’s GARY going tonight, It’s NOT BOBBY JON. Got it? It would be absolutely SHOCKING if Gary somehow found the idol. SHOCKING I tell you. Yeesh, subtlety’s never been a strong suit on Survivor, but this is getting ludicrous.
Off to tribal council. Danni and Rafe both say they can’t trust anyone. The subject turns to lying and football star Gary and idol-seeking Judd both claim never to have told a lie. They also admit to chopping down cherry trees and declare that they have NOT had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. A person named “Cindy” claims that having spent time with these people, she does trust them. Based on the fact that I haven’t seen a single shot of Cindy the entire show until now, I wouldn’t put too much stock in her ability to form an opinion.
So it’s time to see if anybody other than Jamie has found the immunity idol and will truly and SHOCKINGLY use that idol to save themselves. Suddenly and SHOCKINGLY, Gary pulls out an object. Whether it’s even the real idol, we’ll never know since we get about a half second glimpse of Gary handing some sort of stump to Probst. But hey, we want to keep the football viewership around for at least one more week don’t we? I think that's all we have left.
With their primary target having saved himself, Jamie and Judd prove themselves liars and help SHOCKINGLY vote out Bobby Jon, who becomes the first member of the jury. He thanks Jeff and tells the others to hang in there, outclassing Jamie to the bitter end.
Next time on Survivor: Jamie’s widdle feewings get hurt yet again, and Lydia actually speaks. Be sure to check back for Skiver‘s sure-to-be-awesome summary.
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