LAST EDITED ON 05-14-03 AT 10:50 PM (EST)

Beaver and the Butthead or How To Win A Million Dollars Without Even Trying

Editorial note: I always like to begin my summaries with a brief glimpse into the magic that is pooh. Not because these anecdotes are in any way relevant, interesting or even remotely entertaining. I do it because I can. You’re a captive audience. Plus, I get paid by the word. With that in mind, I’d like to mention how hopeful I began Survivor Finale day. It was a beautiful day – Mother’s Day even. A day full of pride and sentiment for me. And I was pretty confident that even if the spoilers were true and Jenna made it to the final two, she couldn’t possibly win. Plus, there was a pretty good chance that I would learn some new obscene ASL gestures when Christy got her chance to speak on the jury.

In summation, the sky was blue. The birds were singing. The mighty Casey was at bat. So when I was awakened at dawn not by the melodious voice of my beloved daughter saying “I love you” and bringing me breakfast on a tray but instead with the screeching proclamation, “Mom – the cat just threw up on my bed”, I should have realized that strange forces were at work. But, with hope still springing eternal, I sat down in front of the TV at the end of the day with a 40-ounce bottle of Shiner, my daughter’s Hello Kitty notebook and a value-pack box of lard-filled fats snack crackers to chronicle the exploits of our intrepid survivors.

With that disclaimer in place, behold the Survivor Amazon Season Finale: Three Men and a Whiny, Self-Absorbed Million Dollar Baby. Title Copyright Silvergirl, patent pending.

This two-hour finale (TWO FREAKIN HOURS!) begins with a ten minute re-crap of the entire season that managed to offer no new footage or revealing insight. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Girls: cry, b!tch, whine. Boys: build, bond, fantasize. Girls & Boys live together: girls whine, cry, b!tch, strip, flirt. Boys, build, bond, sharpen machetes, flirt.

Then for the first of many many times, it’s a commercial break Hopefully, you aren’t expecting a recap of the commercials too. There’s like 457 of them and we just don’t have that kind of time.

NIGHT TIME DAY 36

The four remaining survivors huddle around the campfire reflecting on the day’s events. Heidi and her enormous fun bags have been sent home and the energy around camp has definitely changed. People are actually being nice. Is there a correlation between Heidi’s demise and a new spirit of friendship? Gee, ya think. They all make nice around the fire, but we see what’s really going on behind the music in their confessionals.
Let’s listen in as Rob reminisces about Heidi Ho.

Rob: Having Heidi out is a relief. No matter how hot a chick is, you know there’s a dude somewhere that’s sick of her and I was that guy.

At this point he then spit and grabbed his “package” (and I use this term generously) And see, that’s the beauty of Rob. He provides his own punch lines. Of course, his comment presupposes that he has in fact had a girlfriend before and could therefore relate to being sick of a hot girl that actually enjoys spending time with him rather than the hot girls that are compelled to be next to him through the confines of the game.

Butch also had a lot to say about Heidi being gone and the joy of being in the Final 4. Unfortunately it was completely unintelligible because Butch apparently has a dozen or so marbles in his mouth at any given time. Perhaps this is why Butch brought an inspirational banner as his luxury item. He’s much better in print. Believe in yourself dude. Someone’s got to.

Jenna chimed in too. With Heidi gone I have surpassed all my goals. I am now THE biggest whore left in the game.

Matt gleefully tells his uncle the cameraman that as soon as they get rid of Jenna it will be every man for himself. At this point, I hear the death knell sounding for this particular strategy because of course now it will never happen.

DAY 37
This begins like so many other days: with Matt destroying things around the campsite with a maniacal gleam in his eye.

Matt: It gives me closure to demolish the shelter and methodically plan different scenarios for killing these jerk-offs with Bob. That’s my Machete. I named him Bob. His full name is Roberto, but I call him Bob. Matteo and Bob. Bob and Matteo. We’re unstoppable. I love Bob the Machete.

In a really weird case of cross promotional synergy between the networks, Clay Aiken from American Idol comes in to sing a quick rendition of Bob the Machete to the tune of Mack the Knife.

Oh the machete
Blade is sharp dear
And Matt strokes it
Day and night
That machete is like a razor
Bob the Blade will kill you tonight

Jenna suddenly strips thinking that Clay is actually Skippy, the new spokesman for the peanut butter. Silly girl, choosey whores choose Jif.

Gee, that was awkward, and not even funny. I spent twenty minutes trying to make this whole American Idol peanut butter thing work and with very minimal success. But I’m not taking it out. I swear – there’s something funny in there. Just squint a little. Please.

Butch then began some sort of primitive rain dance. It was sort of like Steve Martin doing King Tut if he had been taking crack and hadn’t pooped in a week. He finished it off with some sort of Charleston 23 ski-doo thing. I can’t describe it in more detail because it burned my retinas.

Rob articulates what all of America is thinking. Butch is insane. Matteo thinks so. Matteos machete Bob thinks Butch is nuts. It’s unanimous.

The fruits of Butch’s rain dance are paying off in a torrential downpour in the Amazon. Jenna is more comfortable in the rain than the boys. It’s a by-product of all those wet T-shirt contests she’s participated in. Did I say wet T-shirt. Of course, I meant scholarship pageants. The Girls Gone Wild guy is looking for some legitimacy these days.

Jiffy (who really has the best dimples EVER) explains that today’s immunity challenge is a blind folded maze where each of the survivors will try to navigate the course while collecting necklaces that represent Earth, Wind, Fire and The Commodores.

They have to do some psuedo Braille reading to find the necklaces and their way out of the maze.

Immediately I thought Jenna would be at a huge disadvantage – she might be used to being felt up in the dark, but could she really do the groping? She might be able to undo a zipper in a dark dorm room, but how closely will that translate to this challenge?

The challenge begins in the downpour. Matt, Jenna and Rob are basically even through the first several stages. Butch is like the slow kid at a first grader’s birthday party. You know the one – the kid who gets disorientedduring pin the tail on the donkey and walks out into traffic.

Butch ends up in Cancun. But he does manage to cop a cheap feel at Jenna’s expense. Matt also gropes a bit which Jenna seems to enjoy and reciprocate.

Rob, sensing an opportunity immediately slathers himself in peanut butter and follows Jenna hoping she might offer her hand to him. Alas, it never happens. Jenna is too focused on winning. Which she does easily.

At this critical stage, when all the boys needed was to insure one of them won immunity – they let Jenna grope her way to victory.

The boys look mortified. Jenna looks smug. Jeff looks bored. I look at my watch.

After a commercial break, we rejoin the survivors back at camp. Rob lets us all know that the camp is in chaos because Jenna has won immunity. Just in case we aren’t rocket scientists or didn’t score well on the SATs, Rob is happily clue us in.

Matt expects people to start negotiating to save themselves. Bob the Machete agrees with Matt’s insightful comments.

Butch and Jenna have a little confab while Rob and Matt do the same. These boneheads are about as subtle as Heidi’s breast augmentation.

Jenna and Butch agree to vote out Rob. Neither of them like or trust him while both want to keep Matt around.

Meanwhile out in the woods. Rob, Bob the Machete and Matt make plans to get rid of Butch. Matt recognizes that Rob is screwed because he has no relationship left with the other two. Even Bob the Machete doesn’t trust him.

Delusions of Grandeur – Tribal Council. Day 37
When the boys return to camp, Jenna manages to get some alone time with Matt. Because Jenna is true to her word and honest to a fault, she tells Matt that she will help them vote out Butch. The two of them then agree to take each other to the final two if either wins immunity. Jenna managed to keep her word for 11-1/2 minutes. Nice job skank!

After yet another 14 minute commercial break, we resume at tribal council. The jury walks in. The most notable thing about Heidi’s appearance is that makeup doesn’t make her look better. Well that and the rumor that she is the inspiration for Trailer Trash Barbie is apparently true. She is skank-tastically cheap. And not in a good way. And yes, you can be skank-tastically cheap in a good way. And I should know.

Jif asks them for their thoughts about how they have done in the game.

I don’t know wtf Butch said. The only words I could pick up were wonderful, positive and quiet. I feel really bad. I normally speak and read slack-jawed yokel pretty well, but something about Butch is perplexing.

Matt reflected on how his honesty and versatility, his strong alliance with Bob the Machete and his trustworthiness had brought him so far into the game.

Rob said something about zig zag papers that went a little over my head.

Jenna took off her top when asked to demonstrate what she brought to the game.

All four babble a little bit more before Jiffy tells them it’s time to vote.

Rob: votes Butch – only you can set forest fires

Jenna: not shown

Butch: votes Rob – he said something, but as you well know I can’t possibly hope to tell you what it was.

Jiffy – and this is a shocker – goes to tally the votes.

First vote: Butch.
Second vote: Rob.
Third vote: Butch.
And the sixth member of the jury is: Butch (could y’all feel the dramatic swell of music in the background as you relived this moment? I hear that stupid song in my sleep.)

Butch pulled it together in his final words. He reminded everyone to believe in themselves and you can accomplish anything. Just like Butch. He managed to get on Survivor, dance REALLY badly, set the rainforest on fire and be the object of ridicule for 37 long days. Way to live the dream Butch. Way. To. Live. The. Dream.

After twenty-six minutes of commercials we rejoin Matt, Jenna and Rob back at camp. They are being attacked by kamikaze moths. That is what is passing as dramatic tension at Jacare these days. Gripping isn’t it?

Rob and Jenna view them mainly as an annoyance. Matt however starts sharpening his machete and ranting about killing the dive-bombing bastiges. I’m thinking it won’t be a very restful night for Jenna and Rob.

DAY 38

The intrepid Survivors are scarfing down the grand slam size stack of manioc flapjacks as dawn breaks. It’s a big day – they’ll need a big meal. And since Matt doesn’t feel like hunting down any small animals, they are going for the grain paste buffet.

After a truly fascinating interlude where they all weighed themselves and tried unsuccessfully to to convert kilos into pounds, Jiffy came sauntering into camp with his dimples flashing. He really is hot.

He lets them know about today’s immunity challenge which if you win guarantees you a one in two shot at ONE.MILLION.DOLLARS. My thanks to Dr. Evil for the cameo.

But before they get to the challenge they get to take a sea plane tour of the area they’ve been living in. This also gives Burnett one last chance to showcase the stuff he does so well. Big booming musical interludes, gorgeous aerial shots of wildlife, ponderous intense voiceovers about the life-altering lessons they remaining survivors have learned. He does it every year and he does it better and better each time.

Once the three are dropped off they travel by canoe to a craft mall in the middle of the Amazon. There they have to decorate their hair, bodies and faces with beads, fruits, paints, feathers, etc. It’s like a really primitive Be-Dazzler infomercial.

Jenna makes some ta-ta tassels, Matt fashions himself an athletic supporter from leaves and berries.

In a confessional, Matt tells us he may loose the last immunity challenge on purpose because he thinks both Rob and Jenna would choose to face him in the final and he doesn’t want to have to pick between the two since he has an alliance with both.

I hate doing strategy summaries. Let’s move on to Tribal Council where the challenge will take place.

All the jury files in and we learn that the brain trust at EPM Productions didn’t build a big enough jury box. The poor losers are stacked on top of each other. Either that or it’s an orgy. Since Butch is there, I’m betting it’s not.

So this is another one of those “It’s all about will” challenges. The survivors have to hold the headdress they just made above their head while they stand on a perch. This ought to be pretty exciting to watch. People in ugly hats standing on a piece of plywood – how do we stand the excitement?

As the Survivors get up on their perches, Matt and Jenna both initially seem pretty shaky. Matt (in what won’t be an Emmy winning performance), took a dive off the perch at about 10 seconds in.

Immediately Rob, the consummate player tells Jenna if she steps off, he’ll take her to the finals. Jenna politely tells him to f* off, she’d rather just let it play out.

Jiffy asks Matt if he’s surprised Rob would sell him out. In a rare moment of clarity, Matt says “No.”

It is Rob after all – he’s not exactly the poster boy for Honesty. Truth. Integrity and Morals. (I feel these buzzwords have more impact when they are capitalized randomly.)

Then in a not-so-surprisingly replay of his entire life, Rob turns out to be a big loser. He caved. He came up short. He shot himself in the foot. He sucked. In other words, he fell off his little perch and with him, fell the hopes of a legion of Survivor fans who wanted to see an actual player in the final 2. What a tool.

So, we’re left with Jenna winning immunity. Heidi and Alex adopt their trademark smirks on the jury. Since she wouldn’t take Rob’s offer of a final two spot, the whole vote thing is rather anti-climactic.

Nevertheless, Rob and Matt wish each other luck as Jenna goes to cast her vote. But before she goes, she makes a dramatic soliloquy about how she wants to take the best of the best into the finals with her instead of an easy mark. Cause she’s playing with – you guessed it: Integrity. Truth. Justice. Liberty. Mom’s Apple Pie. And those Adorable Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. I totally bought it. She’s really quite an innocent young thing. She just really really likes peanut butter and it causes her to act irrationally on occasion.

In a surprise to no one, Rob becomes the last jury member. I kinda hate to see the little piss ant go. He’s obnoxious and boorish, but he played a great game. He’s just a tool.

So, we are left with the final two that BoChillDog predicted many moons ago. Anyone else feel really futile and worthless right about now? Yeah, me too.

And Jenna is starting to strike me as likeable. Seriously. And Matt has held a certain charm for weeks now. The Evil Pecker Mark has done it again. I’m all emotionally invested in these nimrods. Damn you Mark Burnett. Damn you.

We now pause for these commercial messages.

So we’re back at camp now on this the last day. Jenna and Matt seem genuinely sorry to see this experience end and are practically pensive about the whole experience. Well, they probably aren’t, but Burnett has me believing that they are. They both waste a good five minutes of air time talking about how hard they worked and how they were underdogs and how lucky they were and how it’s the people in your life that are so important and how they need to slow down and relax more.

I can hear that poodle landru nipping at my heels right now telling me to move it along, a simple brak brak brak would suffice and it will get all of you that much closer to his reunion summary which will really far surpass my work here. Trust me. I read it. I know.

In a most unfortunate pyrotechnic Survivor tradion, Beaver and Butthead decide to set everything on FIRE FIRE FIRE. It wasn’t enough to accidently burn their camp down, now they are gonna set fire to a boat on purpose. Great example you’re setting asswipes.

As the two get ready for tribal council, we get a soundbite from all the other losers on the jury.

Rob: men vs. women – who cares. It should have been me. I’m such a tool

Christy: Matt is sincere, generous and caring. Jenna is...
(my notes are not clear, but I think there were a few universally recognizable hand gestures going on at this point.)

Alex: I’m looking for honest answers Dude. (I really hate this guy)

Heidi: I’m an athlete. I’m pretty. I’m smart. I’m humble. Why should I even acknowledge anybody else?

Butch: I think he said the word deserving. You know how hard it is to tell with Butch.

Deena: it’s the workhorse vs. the sex goddess. Why can’t a woman like me who actually looks like a horse win this game?

Dave: Booyah. Rama-lama-ding-dong. I’m a rocket scientist. Don’t talk out of your ass. Booyah.

Let’s have ANOTHER round of commercials!

Survivor Court in Session

Matt and Jenna are fortunate enough to be judged by a true jury of their peers. Across from them sit seven lunatics who are either a) completely self-absorbed or b) utterly devoid of a clue. Or c) both. (hint, hint: that would be Butch).

Judge Jiffy calls his captives to order and lets the Final 2 begin by make their opening statements. I’m thinking maybe the gloves are gonna finally come off!

Jenna: You know enough to make a decision. I’d just like to remind all of you that I played morally.

Deena: coughcough:skankywhore:coughcough

Matt: I was a provider, I was dedicated to the tribe. I had the sharpest machete. I never said die – well except for when I was screaming “die you blood sucking pigs die” that one time when I was out catching pirana but that can’t really be counted against me. And I played the game with integrity. For many days, Bob the Machete was my only friend.

Alex: coughcough*homicidalmaniac*coughcough

Judge Jiffy: We’ll open it up to questions now. Butch you’re first.

A brilliant idea! Any time you want to get an important occasion off to a dramatic and articulate start, let Butch do it. And wtf was that when he walked up to ask his question? Some faux rock tumbled down onto the set. Butch had to hurriedly assume his patented King Tut position to avoid being decapitated.

I finally put my finger on it. Butch sounds a lot like BoomHower from King of the Hill. Except without the clarity and careful enunciation. It’s impossible to understand a thing he is saying. His absence on the series is making a lot more sense now.

Butch: brak brak brak I tell you what brak brak brak both of you said you were honest brak brak brak did you ever lie in the game?

Jenna: I lied when I told Rob that if he just asked hot girls would be willing to have a threesome with him. That would never happen. Not even in a parallel universe. You’ve got a better shot at getting some Butch.

Matt: Once Dave asked me if I was an android, and I denied it. Total fabrication. And in the interview process, I told the producers that I had never killed anyone. Technically, that’s not entirely true. I would like to clarify it to say that I have never killed anyone with a machete. Yet.

Oooooooo-kay, moving on to Rob who asked one of my all-time favorite survivor jury questions

Rob: so why do you think the other person shouldn’t win?
Matt: she’s a 21 year old swimsuit model. Like she hasn’t hit life’s jackpot already. And you do remember that she washed her underwear in the drinking water right? Come on – it’s Jenna – peanut butter stripping Jenna. Bin Laden would have nobler intentions for this money.

Jenna: I really only enjoy talking about myself, but I suppose I could spare a few seconds. First of all, he’s tried to kill several of us with his machete. Secondly, he’s an android. Rob, you’ve memorized the rule book – surely you realize that you have to be an American to win this game. Merit and hard work is for chumps (and chubbies) I think you should reward someone who gets by solely on their looks – that’s the American Way.

Next Alex was called up to the giant fake rock. Um, I mean podium. I have to admit it. I hate Alex. He looks exactly like my ex-husband. And he does the same head-bobble thing and they both say dude a lot. Like “Dude, you are a bad ass – I gotta send you to loser lodge even though we had an alliance” and “Dude, I’m going back to school, so you can forget child support.” Anywho…back to his question.

Alex: First of all, don’t say the words “honesty” or “integrity” in your answer. if it wasn’t for the eerily familiar smirk, I would have found Alex incredibly hot at this moment What is your biggest regret in the game?

Jenna: I didn’t always accessorize that well. I should have realized that the buff as headdress look is overplayed but the buff as miniskirt ala Colleen is very retro chic.

Matt: I regret not killing all of you in your sleep when I had the chance. My alien overlords will be displeased.

Next up is Rocket Boy
Dave: I’m a freaking rocket scientist – did you know that? And I totally get threesomes whenever I want. Cause I’m a rocket scientist. And nothing is sexier to a chick than a scientist. Wanna know my best pick up line? That is a pocket protector in my pants and I am happy to see you. Boo-yah. Since I’m a rocket scientist, I want to ask an intellectual, pretentious and otherwise random question. I think it will illustrate how sexy I am. Because I am a rocket scientist. Booyah.

Jeff: you haven’t actually asked a question yet Dave.
Dave: Right. I’m just so preoccupied being a rocket scientist. Anywho, what modern leader do you think you patterned yourself after in this game. I personally think I am like John Glenn. He is an astronaut and I am a rocket scientist, so clearly the parallels are striking. Boo-yah.

Matt: Pol Pot.
Dave returns with a blank, mildly disturbed stare.
Matt: My machete blade is sharp my friend. I envision a day when my collection of shrunken heads is complete. I’m gonna saute Roger’s with some fava beans and little chianti.

Of course Matt followed this up with the whole tongue thing that Antony Hopkins does, but it’s really hard to spell ppppffffffttttttt correctly – even when you are hooked on phonics.

Jenna: I don’t like to think about leaders and stuff. Cause most of them aren’t pretty. Or thin. Madeline Albright was a little too hippy to be considered a role model don’t you think? And Indira Ghandi? That chick needed to get acquainted with a pair of tweezers. So, I guess my role model is Vanessa Williams cause she managed to work some titillating lesbian action and nudity into her reign as Miss America. That’s not easy. Plus, she married a professional athlete – that girl is smart. Even if she is really old now. Old women tend to have problems with me cause I have a nice body. Old fat women have a lot of issues. I think it’s better to just be yourself. Especially if you are young and thin and pretty.

Jiffy: no point in stopping the parade of the vapid now. Heidi, you’re up.

Once again, Heidi Ho manages to brilliantly capture the uber whore look. Big, fried hair, low cut blouse with her flotation devices hanging out and a rubber band masquerading as a skirt. If the whole teaching America’s youth thing doesn’t work out, I envision a career as a Lot Lizard.

Heidi: Is there anyone more deserving than the two of you? Anyone you think should be up there instead of you?

Matt: I’d have to say Rob. He taught me everything I know.

Jenna: I hate to just copy Matt’s answer, but I agree. Rob’s strategy and knowledge of the game were unsurpassed.

Jiffy: Is that good enough Heidi?

Heidi: Well I was just wondering if that was the only one.

Matt: Uh-huh.

Jenna: Well, Gretchen was robbed in Season 1, but that’s not really the issue here is it?

Heidi: No one else at all?

Matt: No

Jenna: Not really.

Heidi: maybe an athlete with a high I.Q.?

Matt: not ringing a bell, sorry.

Heidi: a cute girl with a nice body who used her sex appeal to further her in the game.

Jenna: that would be me.

Heidi: raggedy hair, retainer?

Matt: Christy doesn’t wear a retainer.

Jiffy: I think we’re done here Heidi. And for God’s sake put on some underpants.

Next up is Deena:
Deena: Jenna, do you think we should award the money based on need and not on merit

Jenna: Yeah. That or looks. Either way.

Deena: ooooooookay, and Matt – why did you say may the best man win.

Matt: Because I only consider people with penises to be my equal.

Next up, Christy
Christy: so Matt, what were your impressions of me as a deaf person
Matt: I thought you had a really funky accent
That’s the beauty of this game – that’s what he really said. Butthead.

Christy: And Jenna, did you mean to compare the handicap of beauty to the handicap of being hearing impaired.
Jenna: Look, Christy – I don’t expect you to understand the burden of beauty. You are fortunate enough to be hideously plain.

Jiffy: I guess this means it’s time for final words.

Matt: I realize that I am an android. And I named my machete Bob. And I tried to kill all of you with that machete. And granted - that’s a little creepy. But do you really want to give the money to this whore?

Jenna: I’m pretty and thin. I deserve it.

Jiffy: So I guess this makes it time to vote! Remember Einsteins, this time you vote for the person you want to win. OK. The winner. Not the loser. Winner. Got it?

First up –
Butch: who cares what he said the important thing is that it was a vote for Matt
Alex: not shown
Deena: not shown
Heidi: Jenna – you have a cute body and that’s good enough for me.
Christy: not shown
Dave: not shown
Rob: not shown

Egads – with all these not shown, it's got to be a landslide for Matt right? Well, click over to Landru’s bitter twisted and sickly satisfying summary of the reuinion show to find out.