Prologue

Now as with the case of most epic tales the title is often as long as the tale itself, and this one is no different, but as there is a character limit, the title was abbreviated from its original. Plus I have found that the full titles in and of themselves can be a little bit revealing in nature so much so that if I told you the full title was "The Epic Tale of Sir Erist the Peaceful, and the Last American Virgin Who Would Consider Posing Au Natural for an Adult Magazine", or if it was "The Epic Tale of Sir Erist of the North, and his Randy Adventures with the Virgin of Beaver" you would naturally get a certain expectation of the content that might not be fully realized in the provided text. Therefore, for now, I will refrain from telling the full title so as not to ruin the story before it has even begun. However for those of you who just must be tantalized in order to read the tale I will admit that either of the titles listed above (although not the true and full title) would be appropriate under certain abridged versions of this tale. However, I must dutifully note that neither one fully reflects the nature of the story nor the relative <un>happiness of its ending. Either way this tale is submitted for your reading pleasure, and I hope you enjoy it.

Part 1 - The Introduction
and Sir Erist Unfortunate Role in
In a Kidnapping

Long, long, ago in a cyber place not so unlike this one (in a the same but different sorta manner), there was a great and noble King. Now this King was fair and munificent, and treated all of his subjects kindly and fairly (with the exception of a few malcontents). His name of course was Webby I or Webby the i (pronounce Ah-a), and I am told he is a direct forefather of the current King, but as that is a different story altogether... so we shall proceed. Now King Webby I was a noble leader and although most of his subjects were "just happy to be here" there were a few malcontents who wanted nothing more than to cause problems for him and his people. So King I sought out and pulled together the 12 greatest and noblest of the cyber knights, from all over his mighty kingdom to help battle the forces of the troublemakers, rule breakers, and the dreaded duplicate-thread posters.

Among these noble heroes were some of the greatest cyber knights known to exist (some may even seem a bit familiar, but know that only one is still here, as I said this happened a long long time ago… S1?). They of course included the wise and evenhanded Sir Shaw (of Iran), the fearsome and comical Sir Rattles (the Clown), the brave and heroic Sir SupermansFather the Vote Starter (Marlon Brando?), the thoughtful and somewhat hairy Sir Sabretooth Cat the Prolific (father of most all of the various kitties around here), the opinionated and fiery Dame Dalton (not to be confused with damn Dalton who posts now), the dark and ageless Madam Kira (the vamp... yes same one as posts today and the inventor of SPAM), Sir Lance-a-lot the Promiscuous (aka SuperPole1800), the ferocious Irish Animal (who was never given a title, but whose eyes can be still be seen and admired), the Viking wannabe Sir Erikk the Red (a lovable asshole type, I hear… everyone’s got one of them), Sir TypoAs the barkeep (who was neither bad nor a man... but ran a great Pub!), and the somewhat timid Sir Erist the Meek (who this story is about, and who's title is changed by the end)... what you count only 11... hum... well that will be all I tell you of for now. The other shall remain anonymous (until I need them).

Now most of you have already heard of the exploits of the more famous knights, but this is a tale you may not have heard... or at least if you have heard it, it was a long time ago, so as you might not remember it. It occurred during a dark time of the cyber place, and had the misfortune of happening at the same time as the more infamous kidnapping of Princess Blue. Now I don't intend to tell that story right now, as I am sure most of you had to study it in depth during your formal studies... and the additions that I would make are but minor parts of the parts kinds of things. However, it is important to note a few things about that incident in order to put this one in its proper context.

As everyone knows the royal Princess Blue, only child of King I and Queen DMS (or Drive My Stagecoach... I don't know why she has such a funny name... but it was rumored that the king felt it was some type of sexual reference), had been kidnapped by a secret society of marauding hooligans and ruffians, known only as SS. Now Blue was renown within the kingdom as being the most wonderful person with a bubbly personality and rosy cheeks to match, and she was also blessed with the greenest of green eyes and a smile that would launch a thousand ships, but being the only child of a monarch does not come without its drawbacks. She was, shall we say spoiled, but not terriblely so given the circumstances.

Now the leader of the SS band was a rouge whose name can still not be mentioned in mixed company and as this tale is intended for a general audience we shall only refer to him as X, and his cohorts as Y and Z respectfully (although I don't much think they deserve much respect). Furthermore since X, Y and for the most part Z play no huge role in this tale... these names will suffice within the context of this story. Now our story starts during the time when Princess Blue was kidnapped by X (and a mysterious mercenary), and proceeds during the time of the highly documented exploits of the heroic and brave cyber knights and the rouge Spanish Vaquero that saved her, and although we will hit pieces and parts of this story along the way, the primary tail we will cover will be that of one Sir Erist the Meek.

Now Sir Erist the Meek was not well thought of by his fellow Council of Twelve, and was always last to be consulted and informed of important goings on (at least at the start of this tale). He was from the northern reaches of the cyber country and controlled a vast if not heavily populated area of land. Many of his fellow Knights felt he was only chosen to be among the Twelve because of the early warning nature of his northerly existence, all that is except for the King. The King had always favored Sir Erist, for reasons not known to many, but to be revealed in good time. So as fate (or was that kismet) would have, on the terrible afternoon in which Princess Blue was feasting on a picnic near the northern stretches, who should approach but Sir Erist the Meek. He was a young man, clean-shaven, and rode on a stunning white horse. He rode into Princess Blue's campsite and this is what he said.

"Good Day My Lady, what brings thy fair self thus far from thyne home and unto mine?"

"Sir Erist, why it is good of you to visit out humble gathering on your outter steeps, were we to have known of your coming we'd have prepared more properly for your greeting, as it is I do fear we haven't enough to entertain yourself much less your fine and noble companions"

Editors NOTE: Now, I will pause for a moment and translate this for you for when you read all of the wherefores and whatnots you can kind of get lost in the beauty and miss the importance. I shall also point out from here on out I will be using more of a common tongue translation as to help narrate the story and prevent countless explaining sessions. So what was really being said was something more like this:

"Yo Princess, what the hell you doing on my property without me knowing?"

"Sir Erist, <you fool> I am the princess of the entire f-ing land and I can go where I want and do what I please, oh and by the way your not invited to stay"

Editor's NOTE #2: Ok, another note. Although technically accurate the language might be a bit cruder than I intended, so I will attempt to soften it some from here on out... just understand there may be a few wherefores and whatnots that may require additional explaining.

"Well my lady I did not intend upon intruding upon you, but the area is not secure"

"What do you mean not secure... I am in the presence of one of the twelve greatest knights in all of the realm, and they feel they can not guarantee my safety? Perhaps my Father should know of these inadequacies."

"Well my lady that is not a necessity as it is something he and I have discussed at length, but it was lucky it was I who wandered here and not some rouge that wished to do you harms. If I were to know of your comings and goings through my land I could prepare more thoughtfully to ensure your safety during your visit."

"Well,." said the princess a bit indigently.

Sir Erist continued without allowing the princess to further comment, "My holding are vast and my numbers few, I can ensure against any mass troop forming, but lone rouges or even a small band can escape my notice quite readily, as I am sure your Father already knows." With a courteous bow Sir Erist, conclude saying, "I think nothing except of your safety My Lady."

At these words the princess soften, as I mentioned she was not a bad person just somewhat spoiled and used to getting her way like most young future monarchs. Coupled with the fact that the "happily ever after" part of her story is yet to come as she is soon to be kidnapped in a most harsh and rude way... well suffice to say she becomes much more like the Queen Blue of the children's storybooks rather later in the tale (time wise), but for now we shall see only glimpses.

“Sir Erist,” she began, “please forgive my impetuous behavior, I so love this country of yours in the springtime. I never even feared that it would be unsafe at any time, much less now. My guardsmen were sent upon a fools errand and I escaped with only a handful of my most trusted servants to be here in this glorious place...”

Now things went on like this for some time, and needless to say if a certain bandit had not seen the royal seal on one of the servants horses things might have turned out very different indeed, but he did… and they didn’t. Now X was a notoriously bold bandit, and had been planning for some time to take a small band of his hired mercenaries to kidnap Queen DMS and hold her for ransom. They had been crossing through the northern borders in ones and twos and had become a force large enough that the plan was to be executed, although its success would have been highly doubtful given the rouges and scallywags chosen to perform the deed. As a matter of record the only mercenary worth their salt was actually with X at the time and his name shall be V for now, although he might get a more familiar name later. I will tell you but one more item concerning V, he wore a mask, and spoke with a heavy accent, as if that mattered. Now X realized quite quickly the fortuitous nature of the situation and along with V devised a plan to procure the Princess from the weakest and meekest of the Twelve.

It is at this time I must relate the most unfortunate decision of poor Sir Erist young life. Having spent the afternoon in the spell of the beautiful and charming princess he, sent away his guards and accompany men on an errand to retrieve his traveling entourage, so as he could stay and protect the princess for the remainder of her stay. It was just after they had left that X and V struck. Now V being a master swordsman was a match for the finest of knights and Sir Erist, although skilled, was no match for him. The duel was over almost before it began and Sir Erist was stripped of his weapons and tied to a post, unharmed except for his pride. The Princess of course was whisked away by the bandits.

Now of course we have reached the end of the beginning. For from here on out we shall touch upon this story only in context of how it effects the tale at hand, but for those unfamiliar with the tale, I will relate only that in the end all will be well. So now that is done we may start the tale at hand with the meeting of the Council of the Twelve, where it would have started for not the ramblings of your narrator.

Please fast-forward to the end of the tape before listening to side two.

-ICB