This was just sent to me by a coworker.
I know have to go get some paper towel to clean off my monitor and keyboard.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
>out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
>
>Christmas with Louise
>
>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
>every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
>his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
>went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
>Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never
>been in an X-rated store,
>don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
>like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
>Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
>
>I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
>as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
>hour.
>
>Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
>models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
>things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
>Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
>
>To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve,
>with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law
>was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after
>Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's
>pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of
>a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
>
>I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother
>called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had
>made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to
>walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise
>should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her
>when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
>
>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
>hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
>
>"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
>
>"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
>
>"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her
>into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
>teeth?"
>
>Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
>wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang
>on!"
>
>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
>and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
>Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking
>to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
>realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
>The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
>was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
>sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
>lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
>in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my
>nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
>administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
>chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of
>the room, and sat in the car.
>
>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's
>garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
>collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the
>back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
>tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several
>bachelor party movies.
>
>I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.