Up until this point, we've been spending a lot of time talking about the games and no time talking with the players -- so let's go down to courtside and see what they've got to say. (And if I have to say 'rough paraphrase', let alone 'totally made up', y'all are in deep trouble.)

Bebo Divisionp (Miami, Florida)

1. Survivor (people stranded in a remote location where they can't do any harm to the rest of the population) vs.
5. The Surreal Life (people stranded in a remote location where they can't receive any scripts or show offers, which amounts to the same thing)

With me now is Jeff Probst, player-coach of the incredible Survivor team, which has turned every game they've played into an absolute laugher within the first ten minutes. Jeff, what's the secret to your success?

'It's pretty easy. First, we started by dividing our huge team pool into two segments: athletes and distractions.'

How about an example for those listening to the radio broadcast?

'Sure. If you'll look over to the sidelines, you'll see our cheerleading squad, which, like every aspect of our team, is mixed-gender. Who do you see at the moment?'

I see Ashlee, Sarah, Bobby Jon, Hunter...

'Go on.'

I can't. There's sixty people over there and it's a short interview segment.

'Fair enough. And what else do you see?'

They're all weaing bikinis or bikini briefs. In Mr. Warner's case, both.

'Exactly. We barely have to play. All we need to do is set our cheer squad in motion, and the other team can't keep their eye on the ball. Not singular, anyway, if you get my drift.'

I did, and so did the FCC. Thanks a lot for the fine which you're not going to pay.

'In fact, I don't think Adrienne took her gaze off Tom until halftime, and even then, Chris had to drag her down the tunnel.'

So you're saying that for all these seasons, the casting on Survivor has been based on what people want to look at, and not who they'd want to see win?

'Actually, the casting on Survivor has been based on what I want to look at, but other than that, you're dead-on.'

Got it.

'You'll notice I had my assistant coach Colby jumping up and down in excitement in front of me the whole time.'

Noted.

'And of course, we kept Tom off the team after we saw his boil dribbling all by itself during practice.'

A grateful nation thanks you. Any words for your fans?

'Rock And Roll Jeopardy Forever!'

Survivor: 34
The Surreal Life: 2

2. American Idol (people with talent who think they can use reality television as a springboard to bigger and better things) vs.
3. Big Brother (people with no talent who think they can use reality television as a springboard to bigger and better things)

Mr. Cowell, I realize we haven't had a chance to speak before, what with my never watching your show and all...

'I had two shows, you summarizing cretin.'

Okay, two shows. I didn't watch either one of them.

'And I'm so thankful you kept your murderous presence out of my life. What is it with you, anyway? You propose to secretly love all these hideous American constructs, and then you do to them what Hung did to She-Bang.'

The subject under discussion is the tourney, Mr. Cowell. If we could stick to the performance of your team and your hopes for the next game...

'Can't stand the criticism, can you? Let's talk about your performance, especially since my team is a bunch of inferior no-talents who only win anything by facing people who are even more hopeless than they are. You run on your sentences for far too long, you barely have an ear for the mother tongue, I don't know who ever told you that you could pull together a paraphrase, but they were lying, and as for your placement of colons aiiieeeeAAARRRGGGHHH!'

Mr. Cowell?

'Y-y-y-yes?'

You may have noticed that I've twisted your left arm up behind your back so that your hand is touching the nape of your neck.

'I -- think I've noticed that.'

Good. Now. About your team...

'They're a group of very talented individuals who have put together their skills to play a marvelous game, and I fully expect them to continue their stellar performance in the games to come.'

Thank you.

'You're quite welcome. Could you let go of my arm now?'

No.

American Idol: 19
Big Brother: 17

Webby Division (Vancouver, British Columbia)

1. The Amazing Race (people who have to eat disgusting native foods once per trip around the world) vs.
4. Fear Factor (people who have to eat digusting native foods once every forty-eight minutes)

I'm here talking with Phil, whose amazing Racers have to date dominated every game they've played in this tourney. Phil, how do you feel about your team?

'Up to eleven teams may compete in the game.'

Err... right. Actually, exactly sixty-four teams may compete in the tourney, and only two per game. Anyway, your run through the bracket has been distinguished by exemplory shooting skills. What do you think makes your team so good at hitting baskets?

'A basket is a choice between two shots, each with its own pros and cons. In this task, the team has to choose between 'Two Points' and 'Three Points'. They may freely switch choices after each mini-task is completed.'

I -- guess you're trying to say the Race brings out the athletic skills in everyone, including the extraordinary shot-blocking abilities we saw today --

'A shot block may only be performed by one person on the team, and no person may perform more than six during the entire tournament.'

That's going to make things tricky in the last few games, if you get that far.

'A team that scores less points than its opponents will be eliminated.'

Yeah, I think we established that earlier. So what's your strategy for the next game?

'Play hard and travel safe.'

You'll probably want to avoid traveling.

'That was the last statement to check in. I'm sorry to tell you you've been eliminated from the interview.'

The Amazing Race: 34
Fear Factor: 2

2. The Mole (people who bluff, lie, and deceive their opponents in order to collect a big pot at the end) vs.
6. Celebrity Poker Showdown (people who bluff, lie, and deceive their opponents in order to -- hey!)

Moving from one Phil to another, I've gone over to Phil Gordon of the CPS team, with the help of this very handy stepladder. Phil, how did you feel about your team's performance in tonight's game?

'Well, obviously, we're happy to have advanced to the middle rounds, especially coming out of a mid-major program with very little exposure. I just wish there was more than one bid for our entire conference.'

I'm told the Blow Out and Project Runway teams all feel they would have advanced farther than you.

'It's always safe to praise your opponents once you're out of the game, so I'll just say that I feel the Runway team would have done at least as well as we did.'

And the Blow Out group?

'Two-seven offsuit.'

Right. So why do you feel you lost tonight? Up until this point, your extreme height has just been dominating every team you've come up against.

'Well, we figured we'd push all in by the river with Ace-King offsuit...'

Yourself and Rodman.

'Exactly. He's never suited. And while we didn't pick up anything on the flop, there weren't any over cards to our hand and the whole thing came up six-eight-ten rainbow, so there were no flush or straight draws immediately visible on the board. We figured the worst we were looking at was a pocket pair, possibly trips. At that point, I assessed our chances as sixty-eight percent to win.'

Did the Mole team's ever-fluxuating chip count worry you at any point?

'Not really, especially since they'd mostly been stealing the blinds from each other.'

That team's always been all about playing blind. So, once the turn came...

'We picked up the ace of hearts, which gave us top pair.'

And that's when you went all-in.

'Only move we had left at that point in the tourney. And when Anderson called, we figured him for a high pocket pair or trips, but --'

He was holding seven-nine offsuit.

'And had the straight. The last card didn't even matter.'

So do you think you just got unlucky at the wrong moment against an amateur who didn't know what he was supposed to be playing?

'No. I think he switched cards after the flop.'

Quite possible with that team. Now, about the game...

'Oh... We let Dennis shoot.'

And that explains everything.

The Mole: 27
Celebrity Poker Showdown: 9

IceCat Division (Burbank, California)

1. The Bachelor(ette) (people who think they can start a romance on reality television that will last more than six months) vs.
13. Joe Millionaire (people who think they can start a romance on reality television and then blow it up in less than five seconds)

Chris, what happened? The tournament director seeded your team number one in the bracket, most experts thought this was the weakest bracket of the group and you'd have the single easiest road to the Fvcked-Up Four -- how can Marriot's team be moving on while you're going home?

'Sarah.'

Sarah? She didn't even play. Coach's decision.

'That's what you think.'

I have the stat sheet right here.

'Does it show that we were ahead at halftime?'

Yes.

'Does it show that the team was twenty minutes late getting back from halftime?'

We thought you'd lost track of time during the pep talk. After all those rose ceremonies dragged on...

'Did you notice Sarah going into that dark corner?'

She said she was going to tie her shoes.

'Did you know that's code for something?'

Sorry?

'I heard the sounds! I had a recorder set up in the hallway! Listen to these sounds! What do they tell you?!?'

They tell me Sarah's one to stick with a strategy.

'Exactly!'

Chris -- not to put too fine a point on it, but like most of the teams in this tourney, you're working with a mixed-gender group. If you knew Sarah had -- taken the drive out of half your team, why not just put the women on the court for the second half?

'Did you see Marriot during halftime?'

No, he vanished into a -- oh.

'Exactly!'

But you kind of have to admire his stamina.

'No, I don't.'

Are you just mad because Sarah ignored you and you had to spend all of halftime plus twenty minutes in the locker room with a bunch of roses?

'Yes.'

And there you have it. The least exciting post-game interview ever.

The Bachelor(ette): 12
Joe Millionaire: 24

3. Paradise Hotel (people who have absolutely no idea what's going on, but they're going to stick it out as long as they can) vs.
10. My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Fiance (one person knows exactly what's going on, and he's going to stick it to everyone else for as long as he can)

Hey, Steve!

'YEAH! YEAH-YEAH-YEAH! We are the underdogs! I am Cinderella in the biggest, smelliest glass slipper you ever saw! We came out of nowhere and we are going to shock the WORLD! FOX, baby! FOX! It's all FOX in the last game for the bracket championship! And everyone said we were gonna suck, and it's three out of eight for the Excruciating! We suck better than everyone else sucks!'

I see you still have plenty of energy after playing all forty minutes.

'Nothing can stop us now! Fvcked-up Four, here we come!'

For the most part, people have seen your team's advancement in the tourney as being entirely due to your efforts. In fact, there's been talk that it's essentially a one-man squad and if you ever went out on injury or fouls, the team would just fall apart.

'Yeah, I do kind of hog the ball a lot, but being a hog is just in my nature and besides, as long as I make the shots, we're fine. Besides, I never get to foul anyone, except with my little gaseous contributions to the arena atmosphere. No one on the other team wants to get that close'

I'm almost entirely certain we won't have to censor that. So you're saying you're fine with having a one-man team, as long as the advancement continues.

'Nah, we're no one-man team. Randi helps. She's Pippen to my Jordan, Zeppo to my Groucho...'

They got rid of Zeppo and arguably worked better without him.

'But he was a great agent!'

I'm surprised you know that.

'I'm deeper than I look, especially around the folds.'

Tournament experts have been amazed at your ability to drive the ball for the entire game without running out of energy...

'I'm a big man. I've got plenty of reserves to draw on. And being able to slide across the court on my own sweat trails saves on running after the first two minutes.'

So I noticed. Anything to say to the audience?

'I'm gonna ride this coach as far as I can, and you're all invited to drink out of my slipper! -- hey, you want the first sip?'

No, thank you. I don't drink..

'It's only Gatorade.'

It was until it went into the slipper. Gatorade usually doesn't bubble and flash between red and orange.

'It did the last six times I poured it in.'

Paradise Hotel: 12
My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Fiance: 24

AyaK Division (Manhattan, New York)

1. The Apprentice (people desperately searching for a job in an uncertain economy) vs.
4. Last Comic Standing (people desperately searching for a joke they can safely make in an uncertain Presidency)

The Apprentice: 28
Last Comic Standing: 8

Donald, it's nice to meet you face-to-face at last.

'Good. You're fired.'

Excuse you?

'You're fired. Don't make me have to repeat myself again. You called me by my first name in two summaries, you deliberately misquoted me...'

You can't fire me. I don't work for you.

'I can buy the tourney and then fire you from it.'

I'm okay with that.

'So what's the asking price?'

Five billion dollars.

'Oh.'

And I'm the owner.

'Err...'

I'll take it in installments.

'...maybe later. So what did you want to talk about?'

Some people have accused your team of cheating.

'It's nothing personal. It's just business.'

But the game was never ever played!

'So? It's hardly the first game in this tournament to be forfeited because one team didn't show up, is it? That's a proven method for winning, and winning is what it's all about. I'm a winner, I've always been a winner, and I'm going to stay a winner, even if it means dragging all these lesser talents along with me.'

But -- outright, open bribery...

'I made the LCS team a business offer. They could appear in my casinos and collect a nice, fat paycheck, or they could try to beat my team, which was only going to win anyway under my expert leadership, and get knocked out of the tourney with nothing to show for it. I think they made the right decision, don't you?'

I think you were just scared of a four seed that's been remarkably competitive in this tournament and thought they stood a chance of actually knocking one of your hairs out of place, so you got rid of them rather than take the chance on getting fouled by Ralphie May in the lane.

'That's completely wrong.'

So what's the right answer?

'I couldn't take a chance on having to listen to one more Dat Phan joke.'

Oh. That's understandable.

'Everyone always sees it my way in the end.'

But you did hire him as part of the team to perform in your casinos...

'Well, he's going to work in a specialty area. Dave Mordal has the main room, Ralphie's in the high-limit slots...'

And Dat?

'The line for the comp buffet. Either he'll clear it out completely and save me money, or no one will have an appetite left by the time they reach the food.'

You, sir, are an intelligent man.

'Thank you. You're still fired.'

2. The Biggest Loser (people whose greatest dedication in life is to pound themselves into a bloody pulp) vs.
3. The Contender (people whose greatest dedication in life is to pound everyone else into a bloody pulp)

Mr. Stallone...

'Hey, call me Sly. Everyone does.'

Okay. Sly, before the tourney started, the critics were saying that your team didn't deserve a #3 seed, especially since your series had only just started and wasn't drawing well in the ratings. Do you feel that advancing to the Excruciating Eight has proved them wrong, or do you need to reach the Fvcked-Up Four to get some silence?

'I really think eight is enough, if you don't mind my Seventies joke.'

Your what?

'Never mind. You see, we're middleweights, and like a good middleweight, we've knocked off everyone weaker than us. But to move into the next round, we'd have to take out a heavyweight, and that's almost more luck than skill at this point, y'know? I think we've come as far as we can come, and there's no shame in losing to a superior opponent.'

So you're saying you'd be -- content with losing?

'Not content. Just satisfied with our performance in our first-ever appearance. We can do better than this once our team's more established and has some tournament experience under its belt.'

Mark Burnett can't hear anything you're saying right now.

'I want to kick Donald's (censored) so high it bounces off his hair and hits the floor.'

Got it. Some would say you knocked out a heavyweight in this round...

'Oh, yeah. Good opponents. Tough stuff. Gave us a harder game than we ever thought they would. They had the Rocky determination, y'know? I started that saying.'

So I've heard.

'They could have taken the Philly steps.'

Very possible.

'Gone toe-to-toe with my statue.'

Who couldn't?

'I'll show them my Best Picture Oscar if they like.'

How very generous of you. So -- any plans for the next round that you'd care to share with the audience?

'Play hard, know we've come a long way, and even if we lose tomorrow, we still established ourselves as a force for years to come.'

Mark Burnett still can't hear you.

'I'm going to foul Chris all the way into the upper deck.'

I can't help but wish you luck.'

'Thanks. Say, you wanna come back to my place and see my Oscar?'

The award or the film?

'Both.'

Pass.


The Biggest Loser: 15
The Contender: 21