Maybe Grendel got hit on the head with a piece of Wrigley, and he's gone mute.++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you know that CUBS really stands for, Completely Useless by September?
++++++++++++++++++++++++
What's the difference between Cub fans and Cub players?
Nothing, none of them can catch.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
Don't do anything till I get back.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn't go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she's decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan," Lucy says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I'm proud to be a Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she's a Sox fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I'm a Sox fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Lucy pauses, then smiles. "Why, then," Lucy says, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."
--Whitey Herzog
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Chicago Cubs to St. Louis Cardinals Conversion Form
Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the St. Louis Cardinals Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for Chicago Cub fans. Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Cub requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based on the current backlog of requests.
Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.
Name: ______________________________
Last First MI
(Please Print)
Address: _________________________________________________________
# Street
__________________________________________________________
City State ZIP
1. Please indicate the last time you watched the Chicago Cubs win the World Series:
< > 1908 (Please leave this form at the front desk of your nursing home)
< > Have never witnessed this event
2. Please indicate your favorite moments in Cubs history: (Check all that apply)
< > Lou Brock traded to the Cardinals for Ernie Broglio in 1964
< > The College of Coaches in the early 60s
< > Lee Smith grooving a fastball to Steve Garvey in game 4 of the 1984 NLCS.
< > Brant Brown dropping a fly ball in 1998 which forced a 1 game playoff with the Giants.
< > Grounder goes between Leon Durhams legs during game 5 of 1984 NLCS
< > Fan interfering with Foul Ball during game 6 of 2003 NLCS.
< > Leo Durochers AWOL visit to his sons Military School during 1969 pennant run.
< > A Black Cat running in front of Ron Santo during critical 1969 series in Shea Stadium.
< > Future Hall of Famer Greg Maddox not tendered offer and signs with Atlanta Braves.
< > Atlanta Braves featuring Greg Maddox sweep Cubs out of 1989 playoffs
< > Don Young dropping the fly ball in 1969
< > Mark Grace not tendered offer by Cubs, signs with Diamondback and wins World Series.
< > Manager Lee Elias profanity filled tirade at beginning of 1983 season.
< > Sammy Sosa getting caught using a corked bat during 2003 season.
< > Cubs blow 8 game late August lead and finish 8 games behind 1969 Mets.
< > Cubs reliever Dickie Noles drinks full case of beer and attacks Cincinnati police after game.
3. Reasons you believe the Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908: (Check all that apply)
< > The curse of the goat
< > Lack of managing
< > The curse of the goat
< > Lack of pitching
< > The curse of the goat
< > Lack of hitting
< > The curse of the goat
< > Lack of Defense
< > The curse of the goat
< > Bad Calls by umpires
< > The curse of the goat
4. Have you experienced any of the following after another inevitable Cubs loss: (Check all that apply)
< > Headache < > Uncontrollable anger
< > Heartache < > Holes punched in doors or walls
< > Nausea < > Smashed TV Screens
< > Depression < > Avoided Cardinals and
White Sox Fans for days
5. Is October your least favorite time of year
< > Yes < > No
6. Are You tired of saying Wait til next year?
< > Yes < > No
7. Are you ready to admit that:
a. Stan Musial was better than Ernie Banks?
< > Yes < > No
b. Bob Gibson was better than Fergie Jenkins?
< > Yes < > No
c. Ozzie Smith was better than Ryne Sandberg?
< > Yes < > No
d. Mark McGwire was better than Sammy Sosa?
< > Yes < > No
e. Jack Buck was better than Harry Caray?
< > Yes < > No
f. Tony LaRussa is a managerial genius?
< > Yes < > No
g. The next Cub century will be no better than the last?
< > Yes < > No
h. The Ivy on the out field walls is ugly and stupid?
< > Yes < > No
Once you have completed this form, please forward to Busch Stadium. Then burn all of your remaining Cub clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Cardinals Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.
If accepted, you will receive:
A recommended recuperation program which includes a recording of Meet me in St Louis over and over again;
An opportunity to obtain tickets to the 2004 World Series at Busch Stadium;
Posters of Lou Brock and Bruce Sutter in Cardinal uniforms;
A Dart board sporting the picture of Sammy Sosa;
A copy of our popular handbook, Harassing Cub fans for fun and profit;
A Coupon for a future poster of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood in Cardinals unforms; and
A one year subscription to a weekly support group for ex-Cub fans in your area.
If rejected, you will receive:
Our pity and condolences, plus a 10 second video capturing the past 100 years of Cub highlights in head-to-head competition against the Cardinals narrated by Larry Biitner.
I hereby renounce the Chicago Cubs for all eternity on this the ________ day of _____________________, 200____
___________________________________
(Signed)
____________________________________________________________
(OfficeUse only)
< > Approved
< > Declined
____________________
August A. Busch, IV
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Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
