The Amazing Race 7, Episode 9
“Did I Shave My Head For This?”

Somewhere, in an alternate universe…<- Standard ICB disclaimer *wink*

idiotcowboy, in dressing room reviewing some notes

Production assistant yells in, “Five minutes to air”

Enter Teri Hatcher in a towel. Seductively, “do you have time for me?”

“Teri, I got get on the set now. It’s our first show.”

“but, but, I have needs”

“Sorry, but…”

The towel drops, “they’re real and they’re perfect”

“He did say five minutes didn’t he…”

Camera pans around to Teri Hatchers midriff, with body paint words

Reality TV
Watching – LIVE

One leg comes up, body paint again

With idiotcowboy

Next leg

And Bebo

Third leg

Special thanks Andrea Sellers

<applause as we pan to Bebo and idiotcowboy on set>

ICB: Welcome to the All Sortsa Sports Network’s, Reality TV Watching, the show where we watch and rate reality TV shows, so you don’t have to. Joining me is my co-host, the lovely and talented Beblo.

Greg Gumbel runs out and pushes Bebo out of her chair.

Greg Gumbel: Hello and welcome to The Road To The Final Four, brought to you by Nextel, Spam, and Turtle Wax.

Bebo: Die, Gumball!

Ten minutes later, the custodial crew is called in to clean up a big nasty blood stain and remove a body before CSI: Reality Show Parallel Universe can find it.

ICB: So, where were we? Oh, yes, tonight we have The Amazing Race 7’s latest episode a continuation from last weeks India leg. Here’s Beblo to tell us more.

Bebo: Well, the halftime stats are quite telling. Or, well, they’d be quite telling if I actually talked about them.

*crickets*

Oh. well. In the first half, the teams flew to India. The referees failed to call a crucial bunching penalty, so all of the teams ended up on the charter flight together. Romber and RKelly threw a block against the other teams, and combined with Alex and Lynn’s whining penalty, got a small lead. Then they were forced to serve tea to folks who looked about as enthused as Carolyn in the Trump boardroom. When Romber got to the mat, instead of winning another trip, Phil threw a huge curveball – bigger than a “you’re not merging Shii-Ann” curveball – when he just handed them a clue instead of checking them into a pit stop. Did the local get lost on the way? Did they want Gretchen to form an attachment with her backpack before wrenching it out of her arthritic hands? Or were they just hoping that RKelly would have a bigger temper tantrum if they missed their naptime? As the teams head out for the second half, it’ll be interesting to see who can complete this leg without committing any ugly turnovers. After all, they’re sweatier than Ralphie May’s armpit at the start of Celebrity Fit Club, and they’re more tired than Janu after the first few days on Survivor: Palau. But one important thing to remember Cowboy is that these teams will not quit. There are no Ostens here. Or Jennas. Or Sues. Or half of the Ulong tribe

ICB: Don’t forget that guy from the Contender.

Bebo: Nope. None of those. But that “To Be Continued” move? Almost as disappointing as Vecepia winning Survivor: Marquesas. Could come back to haunt the producers in the judging. The fans are madder than Colin after the ox got broken, so this could get ugly. I mean really ugly. I’m talking Celebrity Mole Yucatan ugly.

ICB: Well then, thanks for the update… I think. Look it’s about to start, let’s get with reality and get watching.

Amid groans from the audience, the camera fades to black and white grainy footage, and the familiar opening credits…

This episode began exactly where the last one ended, with host Phil Keoghan handing leaders Romber a route marker clue instead of greeting them at a Pit Stop. One by one, the teams were instructed to cross the street and go to the platform 2 at the train station. There is no word on whether they had to look both ways – I’ll try to get an update on that from one of our sideline reporters. After boarding the train, they were to wait patiently for their next clue. If I can be Frank (instead of Andi) for a moment, I think that “patiently” is going to be a problem for some of these teams. Anyway, after getting over the initial shock of continuing the Race without a break, the teams realized that they would have nearly a seven-hour wait for the designated train to arrive, bunching all five teams together for the next portion of the Race.

Bebo: Where’s the ref? Cmon people, that bunching penalty was so obvious!

ICB: Perhaps he’s waiting for his tea

Bebo: He’s obviously not a Sharpie. Man, I feel like I’m watching Duke basketball and cheering for the other team. What Race are these refs watching anyway?

As the train headed toward Jodphur, the teams were awakened at 1am and handed their next clue. Teams were told to search for their next clue once they arrived at the Jodphur train station, but they had at least 20 hours of train travel ahead of them.

Bebo: I can’t believe there’s no foul here. A 20 hour break? So much for the, ahem, extended leg. This is like sending Survivors out and giving them food at every freakin’ reward challenge.

ICB: Like the camera people don’t give them food.

Bebo: If I were a cameraman, I’d just eat in front of them and laugh.

ICB: Perhaps that’s why there is such a high turnover in cameramen.

Teams took the opportunity to rest and relax together, with RKelly taking advantage of the time to get to know their alliance mates Rob and Amber better.

ICB: What a concept, I wonder if they’re invited to the wedding?

Bebo: Gee Cowboy, wouldn’t that be a commitment?

Once the teams arrived in Jodphur, they found clues directing them to the Sardar Market clock tower. The teams were again bunched, since the market didn’t open until 10:00 the next morning. While teams found food and lodging for the night, Rob took advantage of the opportunity to secure the hotel manager Sanjay as his guide for the rest of the leg.

Bebo: There he goes. Rob is craftier than a pre-trial Martha Stewart. Why buy the guide when you can bleed him for free? This guy makes slick moves, and the defense just lets him slide on by. Definitely some good marks for artistic impression there. Or some kind of impression.

ICB: That deal with the devil comes to mind

Meanwhile, Gretchen and Meredith enjoyed the festive atmosphere from their balcony, while Alex and Lynn danced in the square with the locals.

ICB: Did you see that? There’s sure to be deduction points there, I haven’t seen worse moves since Tom’s butt-crack feather flicker.

Bebo: Gotta agree with the Cowboy. I’m having bad flashbacks to the Richard Made Fire Without the Matches in His Butt Dance from Survivor.

When the teams received their next clues, they learned that this leg included the second and final Fast Forward for the Race. Uchenna and Joyce Agu decided to go to the temple for the good fortune ritual, while Alex and Lynn made the same decision. However, after seeing their competition speeding toward the temple, Alex and Lynn decided to turn back and join the other teams at the Detour.

ICB: Indecisive! Can’t have that this late in the season.

For the Detour, teams were given the choice of Trunk or Dunk. Trunk required the teams to push a 600-pound teak elephant ½ mile to the temple, while dunk required tye-dyeing a basket of 25 sheets to find the one with the next clue printed on it. All of the teams chose Trunk, although Meredith and Gretchen made it harder by putting Gretchen atop the elephant instead of helping to push.

Bebo: Fumble! Turnovers like that are going to cost this team. And since they’re not the type to throw a deep bomb to the end zone, they can’t afford to give away yardage like this. You.have.to.read.the.clue. And if it doesn’t tell you to do something, then don’t do it. It didn’t say to climb up there.

ICB: But she did get a nice view, and she might have gotten points for grabbing onto Lynn and Alex’s elephant.

Bebo: They’re not used to having a woman grabbing their elephant. Oh, that sloppy execution is going to cost M&G, especially since Meredith looks like he’s about to hack up a lung.

ICB: That was last week.

The teams raced through the narrow streets imploring more locals to assist them. Rob was pulling kids from the side of the road to drag his elephant as he commented “It’s tough to organize Indian labor.”

Bebo: That’s a mandatory Ugly American deduction. It’s going to be hard for them to stay in first with the judges if Rob continues to open mouth and insert foot.

ICB: *snicker*, yes, you’re right of course

Ron and Kelly took the lead, with Rob and Amber close behind. Lynn and Alex were the third to complete the elephant task, as Meredith struggled to navigate the heavy wooden beast. Each of the teams passed him in their auto rickshaws, with Kelly pleading with the locals to help him as her rickshaw passed.

Bebo: Aw. How sweet. Kelly is definitely going to get awarded some style points for that one. I could see the banner and sash as she proceeded into her world peace and save the baby whales speech. Aw.

ICB: I thought it was the same thing

Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce speculated on the Fast Forward task, with Joyce hoping it wouldn’t require her to shave her head. After stopping at the wrong temple, Uchenna and Joyce finally found the Fast Forward site and realized that Joyce’s fears were correct – they had to both shave their heads to complete the ritual. Since Uchenna’s head was already shaved, it was all up to Joyce, and she ripped the bandanna off her head and yelled, “Let’s go!” Her concerned husband pleaded that she did not have to go through it, but she sat sobbing as her long hair was cut off and her head was shaved. Uchenna endeared himself to women everywhere with his loving concern, attaching himself to her side throughout the ordeal.

Bebo: Uchenna is racking up mega-points, and of course Joyce gets the bonus for being willing to chop. Cowboy, trust me on this one, if the male judges don’t give her the appropriate score for completing this move, with its incredibly high degree of difficulty, there’s going to be some rioting in the stands. And not the nice kind either. I’m talking the kind that would have happened if Lillian had won Survivor after being voted out and getting back in with ghost tribe. Yes, that bad.

ICB: Sorry I got deductions here. Mandatory mark down, there’s no crying in baseb.. reality tv!

Bebo: One bad side effect of this daring move – I know my husband’s not the only one heading to the penalty box right now to serve a “Why Can’t You Be More Like Uchenna” penalty.

ICB: That’s the guy right? I always get the bald ones confused.

Bebo: Note to Producers – give us better names next season. Between Lynn, Uchenna, and Meredith, my head hurts.

As she sobbed, he kissed her and told her how beautiful she was. With all of the talk about luck throughout the first 8 episodes, it appeared to be a good sign for this team to complete a good fortune ritual, and Joyce expressed gratitude for good fortune once her sacrifice was complete.

Bebo: Hmmm, all of this luck talk, could this be the momentum swing that finally lets this team take charge? We’ll have to see what kind of score they get from the Russian judge.

Clue in hand, Joyce took one last look at her hair before they headed to the Pit Stop at the royal tomb called Jaswant Thada.

The other four teams proceeded to the Roadblock at Deora Krishi Farm, where one member of each team had to race a camel cart twice around the designated course. And they’re off! Beauty Queen Has-Been takes the lead from Reality Show Retread. Reality Show Retread’s camel has stopped. Now it’s going backward. Now it’s in a tree. Whiny Boy and Glue Factory are bringing up the rear. Oh, Glue Factory’s camel is down and that refusal is going to boost Whiny Boy into third. And down the backstretch! It’s Beauty Queen Has-Been…Reality Show Retread…Whiny Boy…and Glue Factory. Results are unofficial, so please hold onto your tickets.

Bebo: Where are the refs???? I cannot believe that they didn’t slap Gretchen. That was a shoddy Yell At Partner/Get Pissed At Partner For Yelling combination. She two-footed that landing.

ICB: But did you see the humps on that camel?

As the five auto rickshaws headed toward Jaswant Thada, it was difficult to see who would reach the Pit Stop first. Uchenna and Joyce’s good luck held as they were the first team to check in, but the producers outraged women everywhere by not rewarding Joyce’s sacrifice with a first place prize.

Bebo: HOLD.ME.BACK. I swear. I’m ready to go after the refs myself on that one. They couldn’t give her a freakin’ prize? Not even a “I shaved my head, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt” T-shirt???

ICB: Oh come now it’s not as hard as walking over a water cooler with a bajillion safety harnesses in order to win two cars!

Bebo: I know we’re using a new scoring system this year, but it’s just not working. Things were so much better before we let those BCS guys mess with the formula for the Race.

Ron and Kelly were ahead of the other teams, but their stop for gas allowed Rob and Amber to make up crucial time. For once, the “bad luck” team was able to stay ahead of the “lucky” Survivors, with both teams sprinting to the finish line. Meanwhile, Alex and Lynn reached the temple that they thought was their destination, only to realize they were in the wrong place.

Bebo: Oh no, they were almost at the end of their routines, but that may be just enough to let the other teams ahead of them on the medal podium. What a blow. After all of their whining about Rob and Amber, it may be the geezers who do them in. Never saw that coming.

ICB: Maybe because you’ve never seen an elimination episode.

As they hurried toward the Pit Stop, a shocked Meredith and Gretchen checked in ahead of them. Phil praised the team and officially declared them the oldest team to make it this far in the Race. When Lynn and Alex stepped on the mat, Phil informed them that they were the seventh team eliminated from the Race.

ICB: vea el ya más adelante perros femeninos!

Next week, the bad blood between the teams gets worse. Let the fur fly.

ICB: Now you’ve seen the show it’s time to vote. Call the number on the screen below, and be sure and tune in tomorrow for our two hour results show. Well that about wraps things up for tonight.

Bebo: Next week, it’s the Final Four Special, with the four teams competing to see who can be the ugliest American. Will it be Rob for mocking the married teams by saying it’s “the blind leading the blind”? Or will beauty queen Kelly show that her beauty is just skin deep when she asserts that Ron is commitment shy and got out of his commitment to the military by becoming a POW? Just make sure you bring enough beer and nachos for us. And don’t forget to help control the pet population by having your reality show contestant spayed or neutered.

ICB: And don’t miss our special on Fear Factor Miami, where and determine once and for all what is the deal with David Caruso and if eating live blood worms really is a sport, or if it’s just plain gross. Until then, if it ain’t reality then cowboy up, or cowboy out!

And, the credits role…

This has been a presentation of Runs with Scissor Inc. and All Sortsa Sports Network.
No live animals were injured in making of this presentation, but a box of animal crackers was.
Special thanks to Andi who provided the most of the more summariarish parts of this summary
Any resemblance to reality, while intended, is strictly coincidental, not valid in all states, look before you leap, only one entry per household.
ASSN, All Sortsa Sports Network, Runs with Scissors, and The Amazing Belbo are all registered trademarks of, no one because they are all made up for your entertainment... duh!

-ICB & Bebo