Welcome to the Bottom of the Barrel
Here we are again. Another edition of The Surreal Life. Seven Z-list celebrities enter. Which ones will we not be able to stand by the end of the season?
Roll the credits.
We get another crappy comedian to welcome the Surreal Lifers as they make their way to the house. This time, it’s Jimmy Pardo. I’m not going to give you anymore information than that because I have enough introductions as it is. Speaking of which, the first sort-of celebrity has arrived, and it’s Sherman Helmsley.
Sherman is most recognized for playing George Jefferson in the hit sitcom, “The Jeffersons.” Unlike his theme song, Sherman is not movin’ on up. Instead:
He’s movin’ on down (movin’ on down)
To the Surreal Life house (movin’ on down)
Sherman realizes he’s the first person here and will shortly realize he’s the most normal person here. The next person to arrive is Tawny Kitean.
Tawny is most famous for being in every position imaginable on a Jaguar in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” music video. In doing so, she made millions of guys everywhere wish they were that car. Tawny has also been in trouble with the law. Most notably, she was arrested for beating up her then-husband, Chuck Finley. The fact that Chuck got beat him up by Tawny made him no longer a man.
Upon meeting Sherman, Tawny finds out that there are 3 beds in one room, 2 beds in another, and a single bed that Sherman has already occupied. After 15 minutes, she finally deduces that 3+2+1=6. Tawny just now figured out 1st grade math. She now realizes that she’ll have to share a room with the two other girls if you can call one of them a girl.
Next person to come to the house is C.C. Deville.
C.C. was the lead guitarist for the hair metal band, Poison. He also has a fake tan that would make George Hamilton blush. Poison had many hits and was extremely successful. C.C. later developed a cocaine and alcohol problem as he realized he was in a hair metal band.
Another Surreal Lifer pulls in, and it’s Steve Harwell.
Steve is the lead singer for the group, Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth gave us one of the worst pop-rock songs ever in “All Star.” For that, I hate you Steve Harwell. Like many rockers, Steve is into sex and drugs. With this group, there will be a lot of drugs and no sex.
It’s time again for another Surreal Lifer to enter the house. This time, it’s Andrea Lowell.
Andrea is a hot chick who has been in Playboy, so every guy is relieved there is one hot chick who will get naked. Andrea says she has no shame. She will drink, take off all her clothes, get laid, and many other things by the time this season is over. VH1 is happy about that.
Andrea meets the other housemates, and it becomes apparent in the first few seconds that she will sleep with every guy there, including Sherman. They also find out that she has been in Playboy, which disgusts Tawny immensely. Tawny says she won’t call Andrea a slut because she was in Playboy, but we all know that won’t be the case. Tawny will call Andrea a slut at least a 1,000 times this season.
The final Surreal Lifer has arrived, and it’s Alexis Arquette.
Alexis is the less talented brother of Patricia and David Arquette, which means he is really bad if he’s worse than David. If you have ever seen “Ready to Rumble,” you know exactly what I’m talking about. That’s not the main reason Alexis is here, though. Alexis is a transgender. He wants to be a she. To do that, Alexis is going to remove the one thing that makes him a man. His schlong.
Alexis meets the others, and they all are not sure what to say or do. C.C. finally breaks the ice by revealing that he and Alexis have some history together. Not that kind of history, get your minds out of the gutter!
Alexis also finds out that Andrea was in Playboy and figures out that he has some competition. The only difference is Andrea will probably get laid by all the guys in the house, so Alexis has to hope the guys like a girl with a stick. Alexis thinks Andrea knows her way around a dildo. Wait a minute. Andrea’s a lesbian! Does Knockers know about this?
The first edition of the Surreal Life Times arrives. They learn that a special mystery guest is coming to the house, and that’s as far as we get before Tawny’s brain shuts down if she ever had one. Eventually, they find out that a therapist is coming and will help them deal with their personal demons. I will need therapy after I finish this.
To the shock of these idiots, their therapist is none other than Mrs. Brady, Florence Henderson. Florence apparently does have some experience in hypno-therapy and will be there every single day. She’s not sleeping there because she’s not stupid.
Florence immediately starts delegating tasks for dinner. Not only is she a hypno-therapist, she’s also an army sergeant. The Surreal Lifers start bonding with Mrs. Brady. It didn’t take long for Tawny to start badmouthing Andrea. Tawny says she doesn’t want to be a hypocrite, but she is.
Out in the pool, Alexis reveals to Andrea that he is turning his banana into a peach. He/She/It tells Andrea that his thing is pretty big. Okay, I’m done talking about Alexis’ genitalia. Andrea is not interested.
The Surreal Lifers sit down for dinner. Tawny reveals she won’t do the dishes because she’s Tawny Kitean. She doesn’t do dishes. People do dishes for her.
The next day, another edition of the Surreal Life Times arrives. They find out that a young stud will be entering the house. The Surreal Lifers go outside and see five reality DAWs using up the rest of their 15 minutes of fame. The five studs are:
Scott Long from Big Brother. Bandana-wearing fool who let everyone see he’s not so long.
Ace Emerson from The Real World. He has also been in several RW/RR challenges and has consistently stunk at them.
John Palyok from Survivor. Castaway #29857612.
Maven Huffman from Tough Enough. Former WWE wrestler who was released because he sucked.
Corey Clark from American Idol. Crappy singer who probably banged Paula Abdul.
The dudes introduce themselves. The Surreal Lifers immediately eliminate John because he’s stupid. In the next round, the studs get to show what they are made of. Scott is up first and does something I never want to see again. He strips down to his yellow underwear, which has a HUGE poop stain in the back. That image will be burned in my retina forever.
Corey starts to sing, and they quickly realize Paula didn’t like him for his singing ability. Ace does some weird dance. Maven does a dance for Florence, the judge, and still has his wrestling tights even though they fired him. They cut Corey because he will talk crap about them when the show is over.
The third round is questions and answers. Andrea only wants a guy who will bang her. If none of those guys want to, I’ll do it. Ace digs himself into a hole when he admits he likes Guns n’ Roses. The Surreal lifers argue about whom they want to cut next as the girls want to keep Scott, but the guys want him gone. I’m screaming at my TV, ”You do realize you’re fighting over a guy who has skid marks in his underwear?” Eventually, they do get rid of Scott.
It’s now down to two, Ace and Maven. For the final, only the women get to vote. Steve is pissed about this, which makes you wonder why he cares which beefcake gets in the house. The girls vote Maven in the house.
As soon as he gets in, the other celebrities try to figure out where he can sleep. They want to put him in Sherman’s room, but he ain’t having it. The cranky old black man wants his own room.
Andrea starts flirting with Maven. Mrs. Brady notices this and thinks something more will happen, and VH1 hopes that’s the case. Andrea is upset Florence thinks that because she’s not the typical Playboy girl. Considering she’s hanging around the young stud, I doubt this.
Mrs. Brady finally leaves, and Andrea starts talking trash about her to He/She/It. Andrea is upset Florence thinks she’s a slut when in fact, she is.
Andrea, Maven, and He/She/It head out to the pool. The girls dare Maven to walk around the house naked, and he does. He/She/It wants to see more and chases after him. Maven quickly finds a towel and covers up. He now realizes he’s gone from being a WWE wrestler to being chased by a horny tranny.
That’s it. I’m off to have therapy with Mrs. Brady.
I'm a Polish hillbilly and damn proud of it.