LAST EDITED ON 07-20-05 AT 05:13 PM (EST)

The bad news: the series was not canceled after the first episode. Apparently what some of y'all believe to be 'my power' isn't quite in tune right now. (For those of you new to the site: I have a reputation for getting things taken off the air forever, or at least a knack for picking shows that get wiped out shortly after I write a summary for one of the airdates. I actually managed to get one terminated before it got to me, but given that it was The Will, you can file that under 'mercy killing'.) The really bad news: despite my efforts to start a sign-up thread for the series, I've been left out here to take a second shot, and possibly a third, and maybe all the way to a seventh, because no one else wants to get that close to darling Janice, and honestly, I don't either, because the immunization shots hurt. But I'm out here all alone, armed with only a computer and the 'out for cleaning' discards of MacArthur base, which might be enough to close these DAWs down as long as I don't shoot for the area that would do absolutely nothing to stop them: the head.

But the good news is -- at least for the next few episodes -- we're down to thirty minutes per airdate. Which actually means just twenty-two minutes of exposure after you take out the commercials. Twenty when you subtract opening and closing credits -- wait, transition shots: make that eighteen... Anyway, whatever it is, there's a chance it's now a short enough duration to prevent permanent damage, so I'm going to risk contamination one more time, get in as close as I can, and do my best to remove this putrid stain from the face of basic cable. I just want everyone to realize that it's not going to work. The fact that I'm watching means VH1 has one-eighth of the largest audience they've ever scored for anything committed and tuning in every week, and they're not about to forfeit on a number like that. I practically am their ratings point. In fact, the commercials were getting -- well -- kind of personal. 'Come join the Bare Minerals cult, Estee... you can't hold out forever... you can turn away as much as you like and the low-priced starter set will still be waiting for you... everyone else is doing it... it's this or your very own special Scientology escort...' And since my very own special Scientology escort would have to watch this with me and might effectively double the ratings, it can't be that. I've been left out here alone in the cold to suffer through this series all by myself, and one of you will find my frozen body after the finale and say 'Isn't it a shame. Isn't a pity. Isn't it great that it wasn't one of us', and someone else will take over posting the Apprentice East Coast Spoiler Threads, and everyone will forget I existed within a week, plus someone will pry my matches out of my cold dead hands without paying for them. And it'll probably be Janice.

So: previously on The Start Of A Very Long Deathwatch, seven DAWs on the downside of their careers entered the Surreal Estate, where they promptly entered freefall. The circus life is the theme of the season, and as such, we have the strongman (Jose), the snake woman (She Who Must Not Be Hired, a.k.a. Voldemort), the daredevil (Carey), the clown (Bronson), the burlesque act (Caprice), the ringmaster (Sandi), and the nightmare from beyond space and time (Janice). Most of our DAWs were checked in by Andy Dicque, who, in another invalidation of the power of mass prayer, did not die. The conflicts started up almost immediately with Bronson putting some very unwelcome moves on Janice, which means that we're not going to the zoo this year because if we do, Bronson's going to mate with the nearest octopus. Janice fake-quit, because everything about her is fake and she's perfectly proud of it, especially when it brings her some very real camera time. No one really trusts Jose, but all of the females think he has a really nice rear end, which once again shows that no matter how much some women say they want a nice, intelligent, sensitive male, all intelligence goes out the window at the sight of a well-shaped pair of buttocks. In what has to be a first for the entire series, no one got drunk, excepting the viewership, who filed that under 'mercy killing' again, this time referring to their brain cells. Sandi and Carey started to emerge as the Mom and Dad for the season, and Voldemort, in a twist no one could have seen coming, began to turn into something which no Polyjuice Potion should have been able to grant her: a normal human being, which made every sanity check within three thousand miles bounce.

Who will fake-quit next? Will this season's sub-theme, The Redemption Of Voldemort, continue to play out to shocked audiences, or are we just waiting for the moment when she talks a rattlesnake into sleeping with Janice? Would Janice even notice the difference between said snake and her usual bed partners, or is this actually a step up? Will anyone ever figure out who Caprice is? Can Sandi become the first person to ever revive her career from this show by going directly from the Estate to filling in for Jo Frost on Super Nanny, because after this, she's more than qualified? And who's going to nauseate all of us by hooking up this year?

If the word 'nauseate' is involved, the answer must start with 'Janice and...' (Eeeeuuuww!) Roll opening credits.

(Side note: the opening credits are exceptionally well-done this year. They took the circus theme and brought to a place that's just a little bit disturbing and more than a little Pythonesque, with passage to each DAW's introduction requiring a trip through the previous DAW's mouth. It's slightly Freudian and really, really not the last thing you want to watch before trying to get some sleep.)

And it's Day Two at the Surreal Estate, which means it must be time for everyone to go through their morning routines. Bronson heads into the bathroom while wearing the T-shirt of another network, which does not have the logo fuzzed out because poor, lonely VH1 needs all the friends it can get. Caprice brushes her teeth. Janice goes into a yoga position and communicates with her masters in the dark dimension, who instruct her to wait a little longer before striking us all down, which she replies to with a reluctantly affirmative burp. And Jose stretches on the couch and wonders how he ever came to be stuck in the middle of this circus. Jose, listen closely. Desperate -- Attention -- Seeking -- Whore. Let me know if any of that sounds familiar to you in relation to yourself. Of course, it's not as if I expect you to read it, mostly due to inability. You remind me of Pete Rose. Remember what Pete said about his literacy level? He said the first book he ever read was his autobiography. He also said he liked it, but that was because he got twenty-to-one odds against anyone enjoying it. Sucker bet!

Speaking of sucker bets, did you think a DAW on Janice's level would travel without an entourage? You did? Pay up: the doorbell just rang, and Janice greets Duke and Gabriel, her traveling hair and makeup team. Janice doesn't work without them, for the very low value of 'work' you could assign to 'showing up for five minutes at the end of ANTM and making people feel bad about themselves as a means of self-medication', because it takes at least three people to make Janice look human in the morning, and that's two to cover the thorns poking through her skin and one to change the oil. So Duke and Gabriel will be dropping by every morning to make Janice presentable (but not tolerable), and it may take just a little time to do, but that's okay because a stray tentacle often offends, although not nearly as often as Janice. Voldemort is chased out of the bathroom before getting a chance to shower and told to use the other one. Voldy points out the line in front of the other door. Janice instructs her to use a hose.

Now, how long could a single supermodel and her two demi-slaves take in the bathroom, anyway?

Several layers of foundation, two levels of scaffolding, one emergency replacement part, and four hours later...

Voldemort confessional-tell complains about Janice's bathroom hogging, with Janice c-t replying that she doesn't go anywhere without full makeup because the investigators are thisclose to figuring out her true identity -- but Voldy doesn't have a chance here. Janice is going to be in the bathroom for up to four hours every morning for the rest of the series, and that's all there is to it. The other six can just share a single bathroom. Besides, it's not safe to be in there with Janice. Some of those foundations need three hours just for the ingredients to stop moving.

Jose, desperate for some fresh air and relief from the strange purple fumes leaking out of Janice's bathroom, opens the front door and finds a huge pile of toxic waste on the welcome mat, which is initially believed to be the removed layers from Janice's last makeover. Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be several copies of his own book. You might remember that the book prompted Congressional hearings on steroids, which is always a good thing because anything that diverts those people from actually making laws for five minutes can't be all bad. You might also recall that it accused Mark McGwire of taking all sorts of non-dietary supplements and talked about what Madonna was like as a personal companion, and there's only what, eight thousand people qualified to write about that? But you mostly might remember setting it on fire to the thanks of a grateful nation, or maybe that's just me. Anyway, Jose has a personal pile of environmental catastrophes outside because the Surreal Estate is going to host a book signing, and the suckers are on the way. Lots of them. There's one born every minute, y'know.

Sandi is c-t excited about the signing, because it's new and different and means she'll get to deal with people who probably don't need to have their diapers changed. Jose then announces his need for help at the signing. There's a long pause while Sandi once again teaches him how to sign his own name, and then the roles are assigned for the event. Sandi, because she's good with people, will be the public relations director for the signing. Voldemort, because she loves to handle money, especially when it belongs to other people, is going to be the cashier, which means there's a good chance Jose will never see the money because we all remember what happened the last time Voldemort handled stray cash, don't we? Voldy's first move in her new role is to suggest that they charge forty dollars per book, because it is a special event held at a genuine reality show set with a real former baseball player there, plus you might get your picture on television, and then she'll take her cut of the profits in Galleons. Jose 'Card Show' Canceso points out that the cover price is twenty dollars, and they should really stick to that, plus he doesn't charge for signing his name unless he can get at least fifty dollars a head. (It's a major skill, signing one's name. It should bring an appropriate cost. Besides, it took him two whole hours to get the hang of it, and isn't his time worth something?) Jose c-t feels that Voldemort likes to establish her dominance immediately. And you thought the whips on the walls were just for the circus theme.

Voldemort is willing to back down just a little, mostly because there's enough whips for everyone to get one, and drops her suggested retail price to twenty-five dollars. No one takes to this, and the price remains at twenty. Voldy insists that everything is always about the profits, or at least the prophecy, and she really wishes she'd heard the whole thing, but can't they go with twenty-five? 'We need to work as a team!', she insists, apparently having a major flashback to days of whine and gold-plated roses.

'No, we don't!' Bronson replies in mainstream, before switching to c-t to conclude with 'Don't tell me what to do, you little reality-television-beauty-queen -- lady.' Guess which season of The Apprentice Bronson was on! Hint: he graduated from Yale.

The signing approaches, and the line of extras stretches out the Estate's door and down the driveway. Jose is getting his table set up inside when he finally realizes he needs something else: security, also known as people with guns who can discourage other people with guns from shooting him. Jose has gotten numerous death threats since he wrote the book, some of which came from people who were asking him to autograph it because his signature would be worth more after his demise. Of course, this is VH1 and their idea of security personnel is Andy Dicque. And he quit. And he collected his paycheck before he left. And that forty cents an hour still really adds up, so there's no money left to hire any temps, and if anyone wants to shoot Jose, they'll just have to make sure they're covered by at least three cameras first, just because it'll look really good in the promo ads. Plus if we're very lucky, their aim might be off, letting them hit some other people first. Repeatedly.

Voldemort starts to get nervous at the prospect of being around so many Muggle weapons and takes herself off cashier duties, reassigning herself to 'moving and flowing', which means 'going to the back of the line, where it's safe'. She then puts Bronson at the cashier station, after a quick check to make sure he can count. Bronson refuses to say whether he can count or not, which along with his Yale education pretty much gives you the answer right there, and tells Voldemort not to be bossy and to back off him. His c-t adds his belief that Voldy's just bouncing a few generic insults off him so she can go on the Internet and tell all her little Death Eaters that she's still the queen be-yotch of reality television, and adds 'Don't act for me, lady. I've seen acting', only not in a mirror. Umm... I don't think so, Bronson. I think she just honestly wanted to know if you could count. I know you can't count -- oops, sorry -- I know you don't count...

Voldemort: 'But if we don't have a plan, and it goes array, we're in trouble.'
Bronson: 'Okay, the word is 'awry'...'
Voldemort: 'Same difference.'
Bronson: 'No, it's not. It's called 'English'. You have to learn it.'

Yay, Yale!

The signing begins, with Jose practicing his newly-learned skill, Sandi taking pictures, and Bronson trying to sneak glances at his producer-provided basic sums cheat sheet. It's time for An Early Afternoon In The Life Of Jose, because people are, in fact, questioning him as they're waiting for their autographs. Why did he name names? (Because it would sell more books.) Did he have 'roid rages? (Not yet...) Could he sign this copy 'To Matt: Sorry I killed baseball'? (No.) Jose deals with it all calmly like the good, hard-working, I-need-an-audience-for-the-sequel DAW he is, insulting no one, responding with jokes once or twice, and experiencing nothing in the way of 'roid rage whatsoever. This confuses Janice, because Janice has had people (ghost-)write books for her, Janice has had questions like this, and Janice would have a body count in the triple digits by now. Janice decides that Jose is actually Ghandi, especially as concerns the outfit she'd like to see him in later. Bronson, for his part, c-t decides that Jose is the really cool bird at the pet store, the one that cleans its wings while the other birds are yammering up a storm, and sticks to that simile through several sentences of determined, ham-handed fumbling. (Once again: full ride through Yale. Aren't you glad The Scholar didn't exist thirty years ago?) Sadly, the signing ends with no fatalities, and the last book buyer leaves just before the daily copy of The Surreal Times bounces off the front door.

Sandi recovers it, laughs at the headline, and takes the Times inside to a family meeting. It turns out that the Lifers will be spending the afternoon 'flexing their fingers and gripping their balls' -- look, she said it -- yes, I know there may be a problem with Jose: the whole steroid side effects thing again -- because they're going bowling. (The balls are outside the door. This stands no chance of being an Andy Dicque joke.) They'll be competing against a league bowling team at a regular alley: the winners get trophies and a pizza party, while the losing team will have to clean all the bowling shoes in the alley, even if they're on someone's feet at the time. Especially if they're on someone's feet at the time. However, not everyone will be on the Lifers team: they have to choose one person to captain the opposition. Janice volunteers, claiming she can mess up the other team something fierce. No one's going to doubt her on that score, so Janice will be the Trojan Horse of the day, which may require the removal of half a layer of makeup to get down to the wood. Everyone heads outside, gets their first look at the Surreal Van -- circus-themed this year, with tents drawn on the windows and their portraits all over the sides -- piles in, and makes the trip down to Fountain Bowl. (Aren't you glad no one cares about spoiling this show? Hundreds of extras lined up for books, an open bowling alley, a van visible from six miles away -- we'd have a thousand spoiler threads up about where they went and what they did, all of them would be accurate, and still no one would care.)

The group is greeted by Joyce Hearn, who announces that this is a charity event: the number of total points scored between the two teams will be converted to dollars and made into a donation, because VH1 confiscated the snack budget of the Celebrity Fit Club teams and it had to go somewhere. (They're still trying to figure out what to do with the several thousand dollars that were left over.) Joyce then asks who the captain of the opposition will be. This is Janice's cue for fake-quit #2, which becomes real-quit #1 when the others actually believe her this time. She doesn't want to captain the other team because her life is a mess and she's not legally responsible for any commitment she makes due to her burgeoning insanity, which is kind of hard to argue with, at least for the 'burgeoning insanity' part. She tells Bronson to go and captain the other team. Bronson refuses, because Bronson only likes to do whatever he was told not to do and no one told him not to go over there, so nyah-nyah! A fed-up Voldemort volunteers to do it, c-t figuring that her lack of bowling skills can only help the Lifers, plus if she's very good to the new group, maybe Donald will make the transfer permanent. Janice responds to this act of relative selflessness by exclaiming 'Voldemort the whore!' Without even adding 'desperate attention-seeking' before the final word.

By this point, everyone recognizes that Janice is trying to push Voldy's buttons -- including Voldemort -- so everyone just makes another note in their 'reasons Janice must die' book and lets the proceedings continue. (Or it could have been because Janice had her arms draped around Caprice and Carey's shoulders, and stood ready to suck the life out of them on the first dissenting word.) Voldemort goes to stand on the 'X' camera mark, awaiting the rest of her team -- which erupts through a paper door at the back of the bowling alley.

Sandi and Caprice recoil with momentary shock. Janice's jaw drops, but thanks to the attentions of Duke and Gabriel, it doesn't completely come off. Voldemort claps her hands in visible delight. And Bronson turns to Sandi and Carey, then says 'Would one of you be a good person -- because you are both good people -- and kill me now?' Oh, if only...

Meet the Sunshine Strikers. They are Chastity, Chris, Christopher, Rajan, and Steve, and they are developmentally disabled, or mentally challenged, or special people, and they are league bowlers. They also happen to be very good at it: in fact, Christopher, known as The Blue Bomber, has been a professional bowler for two years. (His delivery has to be seen to be believed: he basically bounces the ball off the lane, giving it backspin as he releases it. First bowling knuckleball I've ever seen -- but it works.) They are posing. They are flexing their muscles. They come with their own cheerleaders. They are roaring their dominance to the skies. They are being backed up by incredibly cheesy late 90s movie 'enter the heroes' music. In other words, they're gonna win. Regardless, Jose thinks the Lifers can take this one, and c-t notes that his average is 'two-ten, two-twenty'. Of course, that's batting.

Janice c-t declares the situation to be surreal -- that's the name of the show, world's first stater of the obvious -- and goes over to the opposition to shake them up the best way she knows how: by asking the males if they're single. Happily, everyone has a girlfriend and thus doesn't have to worry about the nightmare of Janice entering their lives on a full-time basis, so the tactic fails.

Voldemort c-t reveals that she's been working with mentally challenged individuals since her early school days (which is sort of the ultimate training for being on a reality show) and in fact, she has such people in her immediate family. (Everyone believes this immediately. We've seen Crabb and Goyle.) As such, this is a very comfortable situation for her, and she's actually having fun with her team.

The Lifers first few frames show their comfort with their natural home: the gutter. There's two of them for each lane and if they can't sleep in them just yet, they can sure aim for them. As such, the pseudo-celebrities are getting the occasional 10-pin by accident, while the Sunshine Strikers are clearing the field on most of their shown attempts. After four frames, the total team scores show 261-348, favor of the Sunshine Strikers. Jose's starting to realize he's in a deadly serious game, and the fastest-acting supplement in his bag doesn't take effect for at least an hour. Caprice is falling victim to some of Chastity's trash-talking, with one well-timed razz producing another gutter ball. Carey is impressed by the opposition's raw talent while being dismayed at his own because a lifetime of training in one sport is manifesting badly in another: his balls keep going to the left and crashing into the gutter. No one's killed Bronson yet, and someone really should because as Jose c-t notes, he's the worst bowler in the alley. (One of his balls is released in such a way that it winds up rolling behind him. Go ahead, try that at home. It takes either a hundred hours of practice or nearly a decade spent on a Top Ten Nielsen-rated show for no apparent reason.) Sandi's returning some of the trash-talk, but in a good-natured way, and she's bowling effectively. And Janice... do you really have to ask about Janice?

You do? You're just a glutton for punishment today, you know that? Well, Janice bowls one strike on camera, because shaking her artificial tush in the bowling alley lane is close enough to shaking it on the catwalk for jazz, plus it's very easy for her to pretend the pins are alive and inflicting pain on anything is a bonus. This leads to a lot of parental praise from poor delusional Sandi and a 'bite me!' exchange with Chris, who also calls her Toots. Since calling the world's first supermodel 'Toots' is apparently the second worst thing you can do to her -- first worst would be sending her through a metal detector -- Janice enters Full Be-Yotch mode, because it takes some incentive to step it up that extra half-percent. Stay tuned...

Everyone steadies out a bit by the end of the sixth frame, with the Strikers continuing their winning ways and the Lifers managing to pick up a few pins, mostly due to Sandi's efforts. The score stands at 480-560, with the Strikers still comfortably ahead -- but if there's anything Voldemort can do, it's lead unsuspecting people to their doom, especially when the victims were in her original team. (Remember: it doesn't matter who suffers as long as Voldemort wins in the end.) She's doing some coaching work on the sidelines, telling Rajan how badly they need a strike -- and passes on a few subtle tricks for beginners in the process. Rajan promises to do it for the Dark Lord, enters a meditative pose, concentrates hard, channels a purely non-verbal spell, releases the ball -- and knocks down all the pins.

'Oh yeah!' Chris cheers. 'We are champions!'

Janice glances over at the display of joy and sneers. 'That little retard's gonna pop a vein.'

Freeze frame.

There are uses for the word 'retard'. For example, I could say 'Janice, your lack of grace has retarded your social skills' and it would be accurate. I could also say 'Janice, your generally lousy bowling is retarding your team's score' and it would also fit. But if I say 'Janice, you are a retard', I have Crossed The Line. There are terms you don't use if you have any pretensions to humanity and Janice just pulled one out of her many built-in storage compartments. The Strikers stare at her with pure hate. Sandi and Carey's expressions go to raw shock, with Carey c-t adding how uncool Janice's action was. Jose, in what still isn't going to win him a redemption edit (but at least deserves to be mentioned), gives Janice a gaze of sheer disgust. And Janice tells Chris to bite her. Again. Apparently she's hoping he'll hit one of the many parts that isn't flesh and break his teeth.

'I cannot fathom using the word 'retard' to make fun of someone who is mentally challenged,' Voldemort c-ts. See? Janice has gone somewhere Voldemort won't go. And she's still there, sitting on the sidelines and complaining to her team. 'That little retard keeps telling me to bite him. Well, bite him. Bite his momma!'

Bronson, who's apparently still hoping to hook up with Janice later, leans over and whispers in her ear, telling her not to call the Sunshine Strikers retards because their parents can hear her. Janice does not use the contact of his breath upon her eardrums as another excuse to fake-quit. Instead, her eyes widen as she considers the consequences. If the parents can hear her, the parents might attack. If they attack, it'll scratch her finish. And if that happens, it'll be four hours before they can restart the game, all the repair work will have to be done in the alley, she'll be in the presence of still more foes for that entire time, and the only weapons her makeup team carries are the soldering irons. So Janice backs down, because there'll be plenty of time to say what she thinks later in confessional, where no one can hear her except the camera operator and the many voices in her head, and the camera operator doesn't count. She will not use the word 'retard' again on camera. Instead, she watches Christopher score another bounce-strike, and calls him 'Rain Man!' instead. Voldemort c-t knows exactly how she meant it, it was just about as inappropriate as the first term, and there was no excuse for it. Janice, in mainstream response, sticks her rubber tongue out at the Strikers. Bronson immediately vows to redouble his seduction efforts.

After nine frames, the Lifers have closed most of the gap -- but not all: it's 659-680 going into the last attempts, the Lifers will go first, and Sandi's up. Jose tells her the truth: they need three strikes. (For the tenth frame, clearing all the pins leads to a bonus attempt, with up to two extras allowed.) If Sandi can somehow rack up three Xs in a row, they'll be mathematically in the game.

'You know me,' Sandi c-ts, 'Miss Competitive.' Strike one. Strike two. Strike three -- and Sandi runs out of the lane, celebrates with her team, and then runs behind them and starts hugging the Strikers' cheerleaders. 689-680, favor of the Lifers, with the Strikers due up. A pin here, a pin there -- and then the last bowler is Voldemort, with her first attempt resulting in a gutter ball.

Rajan comes over to his Dark Lord and returns the earlier favor: basic magic for good practical Muggle knowledge. He gently shows Voldemort how to adjust the position of her fingers and wrist for a proper release, telling her it has to be smooth. If there's anything Voldemort knows, it's smooth -- smooth like a con, smooth like a snake's belly -- so she listens closely and, for the first time in her reality show history, does exactly what someone else told her to do.

Spare. The Strikers win, 691-689.

Voldemort celebrates with her team, unabashedly hugging them all, while her housemates watch in varying degrees of shock. Bronson c-t declares that Voldemort is an interesting person, while Caprice c-t decides that she may just play up to what people want her to be, and that's without the Polyjuice Potion. Janice's reaction is not shown, because there are a lot of televisions in the country with old-fashioned picture tubes and there's no point in blowing them all out at once.

The Sunshine Death Eaters present Joyce with a check for $1380, donated to ARC to help fund more activities of this sort. (Again, it's a very minor pity there's no actual interest in spoiling or tracking the show, because the check gives the exact date of filming: March 30th, 2005.) The shoes are brought out and the Lifers begin spraying them down, with Caprice not at all c-t unhappy to have been on the losing side -- the shoes may be disgusting, but the donation's the thing. And Janice, looking to escape from work and punish her foes any way she can, goes over to give Christopher very nearly the worst thing she can do to any human being: a kiss on the cheek. (The worst things she can do will not pass the board's PG-13 standards. You'll just have to try and not picture it.) Christopher reacts before the acid can burn his flesh and tries to kiss her on the lips. Janice takes this in mainstream about as well as you'd expect, and c-t insists 'I'm psyched that they won. Of course they should win. That's a no-brainer. Duh!' Yes, Janice. When I think about the words that come out of your mouth, 'no-brainer' is the first term to pop up every time.

Everyone piles back in the van, and Voldemort plays with her trophy all the way home, occasionally singing 'We are the champions'. Jose responds by occasionally confiscating the trophy and pretending to break its head off.

Back at the Estate, Caprice decides to use the phone.

Caprice: '...and we went bowling, and we bowled against some very, very special people...'
Jose (wandering by): 'And Jose Canceso sucked.'
Caprice: 'And Jose really sucked.' (covers mouthpiece) 'Jose, I think I beat you!'
Jose: 'You did! I stunk!'

If only he'd been this honest while he was still playing.

The household starts getting ready for bed: it's been a long day, and nearly everyone decides to turn in early because they'll have to be up well before Janice if they expect any bathroom time. However, Janice herself is still up, and she's let a thin dress strap artfully slip off one shoulder. Why? Because as noted earlier, Jose has a well-shaped rear, plus he might be Ghandi, and if you put those two together, you get -- well, what you get probably shouldn't be shown to the general public, but it's enough for Janice. She feels Cuban men are hot, she's got one with her right now, and he can't get away. He's a two-time World Series champion, and only Janice can say that and make it sound like an insult. Janice, in her own c-t words, doesn't flirt: she clubs her men over the head, drags them back to her lair, and has her way with them, which basically explains how Janice can have a sex life and should be enough to issue the warrant. So Janice turns off the acid feed to her lip implants, kisses Jose good night, and watches him lie down on the couch before flashing an artificial buttock at the camera. (It's strictly for the camera: the couch has a high back, and Jose was not only lying completely flat on it, he was facing away from Janice and had the blanket over his face at the time. Maybe he knew it was coming.)

And, back at her bed, Janice declares that she and Jose are going to be the ones to hook up in the Estate, kisses the cover of his book goodnight, and opens a drawer. The camera switches to showing the outside of the house two seconds before a distinctive buzzing, vibrating sound that definitely doesn't mean she's found a rattlesnake rings out across the land.

'Now that's hot!' Janice declares. And suddenly, for no apparent reason whatsoever, the worldwide temperature drops by twenty degrees...

I've never said this before and I'm probably going to be saying it a lot from now on.

Run, Jose! Run for your life!

Next week on The Surreal Life: the Estate gets ready to put on a classic burlesque strip show, which means lots of skimpy outfits, Jose getting in touch with his feminine side the Howie way, and you may or may not get to see Voldemort topless, which should finally establish just where those snake pupils are once and for all. And Janice fake-quits. Again. Stay tuned, and you too may get to see Jose brought to his knees. Or worse. Did you ever think you could feel sorry for Jose Canceso? Did you ever think you'd be rooting for Voldemort? Did you ever think I'd trot out the phrase 'did you ever think' three times in one paragraph? Surreal, isn't it?

Peace, over and out. (Janice semi-nude? Let's play 'find the bolts!')