Is everyone rested? Feeling better after that week away from Janice's aura of death? Not quite as ready to storm the VH1 offices (second through fifth stalls in the basement level women's bathroom, MTV building, look for the Out Of Order sign on the door and jiggle the handle twice) as you were before? Choosing to live is starting to sound like the better option? Well, we'd better put a stop to that in a hurry. You didn't think you'd gotten away, did you? You really believed that week without a new episode meant VH1 had thought better of the whole project and shelved the remaining episodes in favor of their new hybrid series, Hogan Knows America's Next Top Model, with special focus on just how unhappy that makes his wife? Think again. There's still eight people watching this thing and that's practically a full-scale spam response, so the sponsors are lining up to buy commercial time -- although that's mainly because they're getting a two-for-one deal when they sign up for MTV's new reality series about rap stars teaching in public schools, Pimp My Textbook. As such, we now return you to your weekly half-hour dose of pain, torture, bamboo shoots placed under your toenails and of course, Janice Dickinson. Because it's just not sadism unless you give some of the wounds a chance to heal before inflicting new ones.

So with that in mind -- where were we? Oh, yes. In the last episode of Suddenly, Joining The PTC Is Starting To Sound Like A Good Idea, the Lifers were told to stop ripping off CBS and start ripping off ABC by renovating the backyard at the Jenesse Center House, a shelter for battered women and their children that A. really needed the help and B. therefore, should have known to sign up with people who could actually provide it. Since a little on-site battering could only make the day go faster, Voldemort was assigned to manage the project, for that value of 'manage' which translates to 'stay in front of the camera, give your crew no actual direction, call frequent breaks, and ask Janice about her special supply of powdered face, also known as Bare Bone Minerals'. This turned out to be about as good an idea as you'd probably expect, especially since the housemates were on deadline and Voldy's idea of time management was the classic two-hour, eight-martini lunch. With the last hours closing in and the editors terrified that there wouldn't even be enough time left to move the cast over to the pre-prepared post-renovation set, Carey finally put his foot down on Voldemort's clipboard and took over. That meant the Lifers had to do actual work, which meant Janice had to do another fake-quit, which came as a great relief to anyone who had the sixteen minute mark in the betting pool. Finally, after lots of fast camera work, one complete change of scenery, and some secret assistance by an entire team of brownies, a redone backyard was revealed, and it may have even been the one at the Jenesse Center because the production team could always come back four months later after most of the damage had been fixed and get some shots to computer-edit in. And in the end, the Lifers went back to the Surreal Estate, dirty and weary, but satisfied with a good day's effort. Except for Janice, who was so worn out by all the fake quitting she'd been forced to do that she just had to use the last of her energy to complain to Bronson, who had tried to make her do things again, and couldn't he see she was far too tired to pretend to breathe any more? Why, she barely had the strength to make people miserable! She was going to need a five-second break from spreading pain! Didn't everyone see how important it was for her to make a constant effort? But really, what can you expect from her foes?

What will the Lifers attempt to do this week? How long will it take Janice to fake-quit on it? Will Voldemort's relapse slowly abate after her removal from a position of power, or are we looking for one of Carey's tattoos to start burning any minute now? How's the household supply of powdered face holding up? And will someone please, please put a stake through whatever passes through Janice's heart?

Oh, right. It's plastic. Roll opening credits.

Day Five at the Surreal Estate, and the housemates are just starting to wake up. Jose is in his usual location, stretching his way off the couch. 'Get up, dog,' he urges his sleeping companion. It would be a natural (and horrifying) mistake to think that meant Janice, but in this case, it's Lucky, who's snoozing at the base of the couch. Janice is already tying up one of the bathrooms for her usual four-hour makeup session, now known as The Sequence That Launched A Thousand Lawsuits -- because for the first time, we're treated to a few quick shots of a partial 'before' state. That's right: it's still Janice with makeup on, but that makeup is one day old and the spells are starting to wear off. Powdered face isn't exactly a permanent installation: it has to be re-applied every twenty-four hours, and that means part of Janice's real face is starting to emerge. You may be expecting a horror show. You may be expecting to run for your life, screaming in terror and begging for the pain to stop. But what we actually got were a few brief glimpses of a fairly ordinary aging process. Janice with partial makeup looks like -- Janice, only with a facial age that comes closer to matching her hands. Except to Janice, who sees something akin to the post step-fall in Death Becomes Her, right down to the gray cement-like crumbly bits that litter the bathroom floor. Tick-tock, tick-tock, Janice is afraid of an old dead croc! I think not! I think Janice is afraid of Time! Ticking away!

A few sparkles escape from the potion ingredients, and when they fade, Janice is restored to her 'normal' state. (The hooks are located in her tongue.)

Caprice, who's confessional-tell hoping for a day off, decides to spend the morning lounging by the pool in her bikini. Jose's already there, taking a quick swim. Dueling c-ts immediately begin, with Caprice deciding Jose's a hottie, although that might just be because the chemicals coursing through his body have raised the surface temperature about fifteen degrees, and Jose believing Caprice isn't his type, but she's close enough to work with. She just needs a little time in the gym. And we all know what Jose means by 'a little time in the gym', right? Caprice has to come down to the Juice Bar and sample the full range of Jose's exercise program! (Warning: side effects may include lymph node damage, sudden outbursts of temper, major acne episodes, brain cancer, death, and publishing contracts.)

Jose shows off his muscles. Caprice rubs oil on her stomach. The camera takes a few seconds to follow both sides of the action. (It would have been more, but most of the footage is only available for private viewing sessions at the home of a VH1 employee near you.) But there's only so much of this that can be shown because we have to get to for whatever passes for action this week, which means the latest copy of The Surreal Times is about to hit the front door. It's Jose's turn to collect it, and he does so with a chuckle at the headline: 'Celebrities to pad up and do it in the dirt'. Maybe they've finally found something Janice won't fake-quit on?

Not a chance. Sandi reads the details at the house meeting. Today's is Carey's day to shine. The Lifers will head out to the desert, watch him do his thing on a motocross track -- and then learn how to do it themselves. Carey and a few of his friends will be providing instruction in how to ride motocross bikes. Once the Lifers are comfortable with the controls, they'll tackle the course, although they'll have to stay in first gear for safety reasons: some of Janice's components can catch fire when exposed to high wind speeds. A fully-stocked ambulance will be on site Just In Case, and that's very important because one of the motorcycles might get hurt: Janice's chemical coating is also corrosive.

'All right, that lets me out right there,' Janice declares. (And if you had 'two minutes' in the fake-quit pool, congratulations!) She huffily c-t declares that she's not going to risk her body for a stupid reality show, although risking what little was left of her reputation really isn't a concern, then goes to the phone room to call her agent and make sure she can contractually get out of this. You may wonder why Janice's contract is suddenly a concern. Having a contract with VH1 certainly hasn't prevented her from fake-quitting up until this point. In fact, it may be in her contract that she has to fake-quit once per episode. But doing so while another housemate's episode storyline was just getting established puts her at sixty-eight over quota on such incidents for the season, so she needs a moment to review her obligations. Because fake-quitting is one thing, but defaulting on that forty cents an hour? Janice forbid.

While Janice dials, Carey makes an early departure: he has to prepare the course and equipment. He assures his housemates that he'll take care of them, but they should be ready to get dirty. For no apparent reason, the camera moves to a circus poster on the wall which reads 'Shoot the stars'. It's probably too much to hope that the dirt in question is gunpowder residue.

Meanwhile, Janice has reached her agent, Lee Horvitz, who is no relation to Paolo or Paula or Pueblo, mostly because there's a pretty good chance he actually exists, and whose name is mentioned here because if you'll represent Janice, you'll do anything, so call Lee Horvitz for your no-morals Hollywood connection today! (Wait, that's any agent...) Janice's protests begin immediately. The producers want her to go to the desert, which she's completely incapable of because her body is only ten percent water and what if she evaporates down to eight? And she can't get on a motorcycle, because if she does, she'll die. (Note to all future Janice hunters: leave stakes at home. Bring Harley-Davidson.)

Bronson, listening to the conversation from the hallway, rolls his eyes. 'What a surprise,' he says in c-t. 'Janice didn't want to participate.' (begins extravagant sign language, looking for all the world as if he's trying to communicate with a satellite by semaphore) 'What -- a -- surprise.'

Bronson: 'Janice, you have to come to the desert.' (Because after all, she might die.)
Janice (to phone): 'Listen to how they talk to me.' (to Bronson) 'I don't have to do anything!'
Bronson: 'You have to!' (The whole death thing again -- and Jose, walking by, exits laughing.)
Janice. 'You know what? I'm on the phone. So back off!' (Because this isn't a family friend of a housemate dying. This is something important!)

Janice gives us a rundown of the dangerous creatures to be found in Southern California. Bobcats. Rattlesnakes. Scorpions. Spiders. Red ants. Coyotes. Wolves. Of course, bobcats are forest creatures, wolves really don't like the desert, and she left out the most dangerous creature of all: Janice.

Bronson: 'Janice, please come to the desert.'
Janice: 'Okay, you need to shut your mouth now.'
Bronson: '...what's wrong with saying 'please come to the desert'?'\

Lee delicately explains Janice's contract: she's there to get to know her housemates and make the best of the situations she's put in. She may insist on defining this as 'fake-quit', but it still means she has to quit on-site: she can't stay in the house to do it if the other Lifers have left. She has to fake-quit wherever they are. Besides, what did she think the cameras would be doing? Staying behind with her?

Janice sees the logic -- an ongoing fake-quit that no one witnesses is a screen-time moment without Janice -- and c-t declares 'I'm a supermodel! When someone tells me to do something, I do it!' And before the viewers can stop throwing up long enough to tell her to go jump off a cliff, Janice is back on board for the motocross ride. Poor, poor motorcycle...

Voldy c-t admits to feeling pumped about the experience. She hardly ever gets the chance to play with Muggle technology, and she's very eager to see if it has one of those 'plugs' she's heard so much about. Plus she knows Carey can fly without a broom and that's got to be worth watching, if only to see where she should file the copyright infringement lawsuit.

The cast troops outside to find their ride for the day: a full-sized RV. 'We're moving on up!' Sandi c-t declares, and is so thrilled by the experience that she decides to hold a little class on the ride over, teaching the other housemates one of her greatest skills. No, not singing. Not songwriting, either. Not even talking Janice out of fake-quitting. Sandi is one of the world's most accomplished experts at eating a banana. As in 'all at once'. And that's as in 'take the peel off, then stick the entire banana down your throat. Without gagging. Without even blinking. Without overloading the PTC bulk Email programs -- oops. Too late'. Way, way too late, especially after Sandi includes 'You go in veerrry slooowlyy...' before protesting 'I'm just playing with a banana! Your filthy minds!' Which doesn't stop the rest of the cast from watching her with a mixture of horrified fascination and -- well, outright fascination, because her just playing with said banana soon includes her sliding all but a tiny bit of handle down her throat in one smooth motion, leaving it there for a few seconds, then pulling it back out undamaged. The women shriek appreciatively -- with even Janice falling over laughing, having finally seen Sandi demonstrate a skill she can respect.

'Oh my God,' Caprice dazedly c-ts. 'She is going to be asked out on so many dates, you have no idea.' Dates, yes. No one's going to let her near a banana in public again, but dates should be safe...

The cast reaches the scrublands course to find a distinct presence of small jump hills and a distinct lack of Carey -- for about six seconds. The purr of the engine reverberates across the landscape, and Carey comes into view on his bike, jumping the hills, sticking the landings, asking roughly six laws of momentum to turn their backs for a few minutes, and generally doing what he does second-best, with first-best being 'fill out medical insurance forms in the emergency room'. And for the finish -- well...

'I heard the bike coming straight towards me,' Jose c-ts, and it is. It's coming towards the little hill just before the cast's sitting area at full speed -- and then jumps. Carey twists the bike onto its side as it flies over the Lifers, passing about six feet over their heads, his body parallel to the ground -- before shifting back to the other way and making a perfect landing.

Caprice squeals her fear and jumps up and down with her hands clasping Voldy's. Sandi screeches her approval. Janice has a spontaneous lack of need for Mr. Vibrator's assistance. And Caprice, just slightly mournful in c-t, regrets Carey having a girlfriend, because without one, every one of the female Lifers would have been after him then and there. Which included Janice. Which means Carey should spend some extra time in church this week. Too close... but they settle for mauling him before he can get off the motorcycle.

Janice: 'So how does it feel when you're flying?!'
Carey: 'You're about to find out.'
Janice: '...but you've broken every bone in your body...' Oh, come on, Janice. Titanium doesn't fracture anywhere near as easily as calcium.

Oddly, it's Jose who's having the second-most nerves about the process. He c-t admits to being afraid of motorcycles. They unnerve him. They make him feel shaky. Plus they use unleaded and he's on premium. You'd think he'd have some natural attraction since they're both fuel-injected, but...

Carey brings the cast over to meet the instructors, and then lets them in on the surprise: whoever picks up the greatest amount of skill and demonstrates the most heart will win a bike of their own. (This even includes Janice, since her heart can be easily detached for inspection.) The group puts on their personalized safety gear, then starts to do the hardest thing any celebrity can attempt: listening. They have to learn. Someone is going to tell them something they don't know anything about, and they must choose to believe this person instead of making up false knowledge on their own and insisting that their wild lies are currently being taught at the PhD level. The sweat is thus visible before they even get within twenty feet of the bikes. Oh, the strain... And if you assumed Janice couldn't make that kind of effort without hurting herself, you're right -- but oddly enough, her head doesn't explode. Nor does she die the instant she sits on the motocross bike, probably because it's the wrong brand. (Bring Yamaha?) Instead, she injures her right ankle by stepping on the starter.

Right. She pulled a muscle from having stepped on something. And why did this happen? Well, it mostly happened because Janice wanted more camera time and a convenient excuse had just come up, but the rest of it was claimed as runway damage. Poor, injured Janice is prone to hurting her ankles because they've suffered so much through 'four thousand million miles' of runways walked, plus those swimsuits were so heavy. And as she says in c-t, she's not going to jeopardize her supermodel ankles, because parts modeling gigs are just so hard to get, even when the parts aren't detachable for easy display. So Janice fake-quits. For the second time in one episode. We have a new record. It's probably not going to stand for very long.

'It's like my balance is off, and I'm really dizzy,' Janice explains to Carey. Common effects of ankle strain. That or she needs another oil change.

Carey, who up until this point has been sadly prone to believing the best from people, c-t admits 'I don't think Janice really tries anything,' with 'everyone's patience' being the obvious exception. This may sound like he's finally catching on, but he's still c-t willing to roll with her temper tantrums and, with Sandi out on the course, willing to talk her into getting more camera time himself. (As if that's going to take much effort.) So Carey takes over calming Janice down and gives her personal instruction in the fine art of motocross riding. With one of the sport's founders at the helm, Janice's inner voices quiet down just long enough to admit someone else is capable of talking, and Janice Actually Learns Something beyond 'I can fake-quit twice in thirty minutes!' In fact, she even c-t calls Carey a gentleman for not letting her give up, although what she would have been giving up on was getting every second of non-commercial episode time plus one or two endorsements. (And somewhere in California, Pink flashes on an image of fangs sinking into her boyfriend's shoulder, and doesn't know why...)

Voldy drops into c-t with 'Janice has a very poor self image, and she always has to steal a little bit of limelight...' A little?

Meanwhile, Jose is having problems. Yes, he's an athlete. Yes, he has a certain amount of coordination. You try bouncing a fly ball off your head and over the outfield wall for a home run and see how far you get. But the bigger you are, the more weight you're balancing on the turns -- so while Jose manages to get the cycle moving in a straight line, and even takes his feet off the ground -- eventually -- the first attempt to alter course succeeds, with his new destination being 'the ground'. And if you're a TiVo employee working in Oakland wondering why you just got two million 'Save until I delete' orders for Surreal Life reruns, now you know.

'Great start', Jose despondently c-ts. No, Jose. For the Oakland viewers, a great start would be Carey showing you his bone-breaking technique and your picking up on it perfectly. This is just a little rainy-day cheer.

Janice completes a circle, then comes to a full stop and tells Carey she needs drugs. (Since Jose is out of range, nothing happens.) Carey c-t decides that he can't bash Janice because she did make an effort. That's okay, Carey. More for me!

After a few hours of instruction, Sandi and Caprice are showing the most natural ability, with Jose and Bronson demonstrating the least. There's no time left for remedial tutoring, though: the show is on a strict schedule, especially after it took four months to reconstruct that backyard. It's time to go out on the course, with Carey leading the Lifers through it in small groups. The cast quickly learns that it's harder to stay upright on the actual course: the bikes slide to the side on the turns, the less-than-level ground is a hazard, and -- whoops! There went Jose again! Voldy and Sandi immediately race over to make sure nothing's happened to his well-shaped rear, and sadly, it hasn't: Jose is fine. Shaken and, in a page from Janice's book, claiming exhaustion -- but fine. He doesn't even feel impacts to his backside any more. Taking three thousand needles does have its benefits. But he's still got Janice's book open and someone's reading it to him, so Jose fake-quits. He's had enough. Carey c-t defends him by saying motocross isn't an easy sport and he'd be happy to take Jose or anyone else out again if they wanted to go -- but he also lets the fake-quit stand. After all, Jose isn't Janice. There's a chance he actually might be tired.

Caprice, however, is enjoying herself. As she c-t admits, she started out going through the course very slowly so she could get comfortable with the track -- but then something happened. She started to get comfortable with the track. This isn't always a good thing. Caprice's logic seems to be that if she can do something well very slowly, then she can do it even better faster, which only gets reflected in (insert your own non PG-13 joke here) a thousand times a day. As such, she accelerates approaching a hill crest, possibly thinking about trying her first mini-jump -- and goes over. And stays down.

'When I saw her slam and hit hard,' Carey worries in c-t, 'I was like 'Aw, God, I've got a model with a broken arm...''. In mainstream, he rides over to the crash site to check on Caprice -- but despite the dramatic music and background ambulance sirens, there's very little to see here: she's already sitting up by the time he reaches her, and claiming it's nothing, really: just a scratch. She's fine. She's cool. She doesn't need to leave the course. She's not the least bit bothered by her injury. She is, in fact, talking like a teenager on an adrenaline rush, and the only way she's being taken off the course is by lasso. Carey checks her bike over and immediately discovers Caprice was in second gear. Caprice admits to thinking she was in second gear, possibly because she'd tried to go into it. Carey admonishes her and makes her promise not to do it again. Caprice promises with a verbal top-speed sincerity that silently adds the phrase 'until you're not looking'. (Sandi picks up on this in c-t and provides the expected parental criticism of 'Miss Evel Knievel'.) Caprice has a brand-new hobby. Caprice, in fact, has a brand-new career, because she has scrapped a little skin off her right arm, by the elbow. It's just a scratch, really. Minor road rash. Cleaned and bandaged, it'll heal perfectly. However, it still means that every modeling agency on the planet put her on their Do Not Call list, all her existing contracts were canceled, people are burning her master negatives as we speak, E! is filming the True Hollywood Story of her final crash and burn, and she will never, ever work in this town again, plus Tyra won't let her appear on ANTM as a guest judge. But what does that matter? She's got bones to break! Go, Caprice!

The sun starts to set, and the cast walks off the course, with Jose partially supported by Janice, who's only using the contact to commit sexual harassment when we're not looking. 'Let's see,' Jose muses, pointing at the dirt. 'I ate it over here... and I ate it over there...' Jose is openly admiring Caprice's efforts, and c-t declares she has larger (testicles) than he does. Yes, Jose. We've been over the steroids side effects issue before. This would still come as major news to Bronson after his first-episode assessment of Caprice's genital area -- the word 'plastic' should ring a bell here -- but he's too busy inspecting Caprice's injury, so his extended time around Janice may have taught him what 'plastic' really means. Also what 'fake-quit' really means, plus a few details about what is and is not important concerning phone conversations, and a lot about how to properly turn a face into powder. And since he doesn't know anything about extending his acting career, all of this new knowledge could be really useful to him in the future -- except that if he ever fake-quits, no one's going to try and bring him back. (We can but hope.)

Carey rides over to the group on the prize. And sure enough, it's a motocross bike. It's real. It runs. It's not even day-glo pink, radioactive, covered in acid (because it's not the one Janice was riding), or many of the other cute prize twists you would expect from this show. What it is would be 'small'. It's sized for a seven year-old. Tops. If they hadn't eaten much of anything that day. No one's very surprised, because they're on The Surreal Life and when you're getting paid forty cents an hour, you have to expect the benefits to just about cover the price of Caprice's band-aid. There's even a good chance the bike's layers could be peeled off and wrapped around the injury. Caprice will certainly get a chance to find out, because Carey declares that in the end, it was about 'crashing your brains out and getting back up again', which means Caprice wins the bike and can get started on her new motocross career right after she trains up a little more and loses seventy pounds, all of it from her height. Caprice c-t declares her new love of dirt bike racing and her intention to injure herself a lot more from now on because she's not a model anymore and she's been waiting to get properly scratched up for years, everyone has a quick group hug, thanks Carey for the experience with varying degrees of sincerity, and the Lifers return to the Estate -- to discover a made-over living room.

Sleeping bags. Pillows. Snacks. Slumber party! It's time for a mini-focus on Caprice, because even though she's not a model any more, she still has her own lingerie line -- so they're going to have a little fashion show. Plus since the Lifers are slightly sick of each other, especially since 'each other' includes Janice, everyone can invite a friend and/or soul slave. Sandi brings in Spinderella, a member of her old rap group. (Voldemort's entire week is made: she honestly loves Salt n' Pepa, so this is a treat for her.) Janice brings in her 'friend' Vince, and we probably don't want to know what she has on him. Carey invites the equally-tattooed Jesse. Jose has a slight case of the outs with his old baseball buddies, so goes with the old standard: a man's best friend is his dog, and this dog can even ring a doorbell. Meet Zeus, Jose's devoted companion. Zeus is a very nice, open-minded dog who should not be judged on his association with Jose. In fact, Zeus is very open-minded. How do we know this? Because he gets along with Lucky on first sight. He really likes the Estate pooch. In fact, he likes him so much that when Lucky tries to, for lack of a better phrase, engage in pointless reproductive actions within thirty seconds of being introduced, he doesn't mind in the least. 'We were seeing a whole new side of Lucky,' Carey c-ts, and it's the underside, which is being presented to musical accompaniment, and if you have to guess what kind of music it was, welcome to VH1.

'Lucky! No!', Jose exclaims. Too late. Lucky is getting lucky.

'Lucky is having the greatest time,' Caprice c-ts. 'Zeus is having the greatest time. They love each other! They're clearly gay dogs.'

-- did the PTC servers just explode again? Oh well. No great loss.

Caprice brings in Vick (female -- in the quest for model individuality, the 'i' was the first thing to go), and Vick's brought the lingerie. Also some red, sparkly, watermelon-flavored lip gloss. Jose takes immediate custody of the later and applies a coat. Jose wants to know why men can't wear colored lip gloss. Seriously. Especially when it tastes so good. And especially when you no longer have teammates who'll ask the other side to throw beanballs at you for just bringing the question up. 'Okay...' Caprice replies, which is probably the most eloquent thing anyone could have said on the matter. Jose leaves the lip gloss on the end table for Vick to take back later. Caprice decides to buy a new stick and let Jose keep the old one. It's just her contribution to Jose's long quest to become more comfortable with his feminine side, a quest that has taken him to wearing lingerie, donning garter belts, trying out pantyhose, and is about to take him back to lingerie again. Caprice needs extra models for her show, so her line will be worn by herself, Voldemort, Jose, and, just to round things out a little, Carey. After all, he did the gun belt. Caprice feels the men are looking forward to putting the female lingerie on more than the women are-- but Jose has an explanation. You see, he did the burlesque show in front of an audience, and after that, the rest is easy, especially if it gives him a chance to score some free pantyhose. And Carey c-t admits that he's been getting naked for the entire series (with a black and white flashback to the gun belt), so this is just one more time, only with women's panties. Who knows? Caprice already developed a whole new interest in life, so...

(You may have noticed a gap in the arrivals. Bronson didn't bring anyone in because he was told to invite someone and Bronson only does what he's been told not to do, so... And Voldemort's followers are still stuck in Azkaban, so no Death Eaters at the slumber party. Pity, really. Imagine the potion party they could have thrown.)

At eleven p.m, Caprice leads the men back into the main bedroom to change, handing Jose a pair of large pink panties while c-t declaring that the men on the show are good sports. However, a good sport is slightly more common than a man who can master female lingerie, as Jose demonstrates by becoming completely lost in the panties, and that's not code for anything just yet. He can't tell which end is the front, which holes are for the legs and so on down the line, and if he can't figure that out, you really have to wonder what Madonna was wearing while they were together. And if it came with combination locks.

'Jose picked his own number out,' Caprice c-ts. 'He quite liked the lace collection.' Note to Jose's future book contract writers: you can skip the first two weeks of royalties. Just send lace.

Jose's mainstream comment? 'We've turned into she-males.' Maybe, but at least you're a she-male with nice lingerie.

Carey's willing to wear the panties, but balks at the bra. Jose's willing, but he has a problem: he's firmly into the realm of custom corsetierres. He needs a very large band while having no cup side whatsoever, and that's just not the sort of thing you can get off the shelf. The bra Caprice gives him has the hooks trying to stretch into each other starting from somewhere under his arms. Fortunately, Jose's baseball and book income is more than enough to let him afford $125-per-piece specialty houses -- but before he can be properly fitted, he has to have a pure female experience: the embarrassment of being seen in something that doesn't come close to covering him. Voldemort walks in to see what she'll be wearing just as Vick and Caprice are straining against Jose's straps -- and despite being the wrong gender for it, Jose reacts exactly the way he's supposed to: his arms come up to cover his chest, his face flushes, his legs go into bolt-now position, and if I have to describe the posture any further, then no one never walked in on you. Jose would make a great female impersonator, but we'd have to find someone 6'4" and 260lbs for him to impersonate -- so for now, he'll just have to settle for being a budding cross-dresser.

Of course, one of the best cures for humiliation is to spread it around a little. Carey's out -- he's c-t worried about his more hardcore fans stringing him up for this, but he also knows he can outrace them. So Jose turns to Zeus and decides that if his dog is determined to be the girl, he can wear the lingerie for it: a bra is wrapped around Zeus' head (the cups are over the ears), and the panties are placed in the normal area. Zeus is less than happy about this, but Jose insists that if he has to do it, his best friend can do it with him -- 'If I'm wearing this, you're wearing that. Team effort, buddy!' -- and doesn't Voldemort just wish Sammy Sosa had been pulled into the Estate after all?

The actual lingerie show is done quickly. Voldy comes out first, and Janice immediately drops into c-t criticism. 'Voldemort looks like Rick James' Siamese twin.' Janice c-t feels Voldy has the whole superfreak thing going, she's wearing two pairs of panties at the same time, and here she is strutting around like some pageant model. Ummm.... Janice, Voldy was a pageant model: that's how she paid for college. Janice has had major problems with Voldemort's looks since the show started, and she's been expressing those problems as often as she can. Y'know what I call that? Jealousy. Janice needs four hours in the bathroom just to look vaguely human and Voldy can cover her scales in three minutes. Nyah-nyah!

Carey comes out in fairly plain white panties, spanking himself most of the way. (The logic: if he punishes himself, maybe his fans won't see the need.) Jose leads Zeus out with him, which was probably a mistake because Jose has the lace, Zeus has the solids and frankly, the patterns just don't work together. Janice c-t decides that Zeus looked humiliated and that it's inhumane treatment to put a G-string on the back of a dog, which sort of makes you wonder where she normally puts it. Oddly, Caprice draws no Janice commentary, perhaps out of gratitude for the earlier events of the day. After all, one more supermodel's career is over forever, and she didn't even have to lift a finger. It's the sort of moment that calls for quiet reflection and a wicked smile or two. (Interestingly, Caprice came out wearing a long-sleeved, full-length winter jacket, which she partially removed to reveal her torso -- while leaving the lower sleeves around her arms.) And the episode ends.

That's right. The episode ends. Right there. Not a single glimpse of the slumber party itself. Just the lingerie show and out. We don't get to see the Lifers braid each others' hair. We don't get to see Jose ask Vick for fashion advice. We don't get to see Lucky and Zeus consummate their relationship. We don't get to see any of the things that might have made the episode halfway watchable. All we get is Caprice thanking her models, with a c-t addition of 'Although Jose really liked it. It was quite weird.' (pause) 'Don't you think that's a bit bizarre?'

Caprice -- you haven't seen anything yet. But don't worry. Most of what you could see will be sitting in the front row of your first motocross event! (And remember: if you must crash into it, aim for Janice's seat.)

Next week on The Surreal Life: Vegas, DAWs, Vegas! The Lifers take a bus ride to the City That Never Stops Taking Your Money, with Voldemort using the trip to talk about her True Hollywood Story -- and the network people she's met -- and everything except how she was willing to stoop to the level of this show... Jose gets his moment to shine by leading the housemates in a baseball game against a team of celebrity impersonators, which is sort of ironic because what do you think the Lifers are? And Janice once again shows the world that sexual harassment only applies when someone does it to her, but she can do anything to anyone at any time and they're not allowed to complain about it. Hide the clubs.

Peace, over and out. (How many more episodes before I'm eligible for parole?)