Pre-summary warning: due to the controversial nature of this episode, all cast member quotes have been captured as accurately as possible. This summary contains accusations of drug use, use of sharp objects, and about a thousand inter-cast lawsuits waiting to happen. Reader discretion is advised. And that means you. There's only one reader, and you'd better be discrete. This is one of the ugliest episodes to hit the air for any reality show and the single most disgusting Surreal Life ever filmed, which is a record that should hold for a while, with 'while' defined as 'until next week'. I take no responsibility for what happened in this one. I'm just the reporter. I'll tell you what happened, and you can draw your own conclusions as to what should have happened, who was most at fault, and whether the entire Surreal Estate should be bombed off the face of the Earth before anyone can make the mistake of casting for a sixth season. I know what's on this tape and I don't want to start it...

*sigh* Okay. I can do this. I had Colin Vs. The Donut. How bad could this be? It's not as if there's a chance of a contestant seeing jail time for this one -- wait, that's the downside.

Maybe if I start with a reminder of what's now officially 'happier times...' Last week on You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone -- well, something must have happened, but I don't remember very much of it. They must have done something, because one moment the housemates were putting on a bunch of red scarves for no apparent reason, and then Janice was driving back to the Estate all by herself. She'd been kicked out of Las Vegas early -- no idea why -- and spent the ride home trying to seduce anyone with a better car than she was driving, cramming fast food into her mouth, and switching her seduction efforts to the local truck drivers in an attempt to gain access to their CBs, all of which still let her get home ahead of the others -- so if the closets smell a little bit strange, get the biohazard team ready before opening the door. The remaining housemates hung around in Vegas for a few more hours, which let Jose find out his sphere of attraction has narrowed from 'Madonna' to 'a bunch of Q-list DAWs and a Mexican waitress with magic fingers, and that's just her bed.' The bus ride home for the Lifers-minus-Janice found Bronson talking up the benefits of a stomach massage and Caprice talking down anything Bronson had to propose, which still wound up with the two of them sharing a bunk for ten minutes before Bronson's rear was returned to the air-lofted position it normally occupies. But in the end, everyone reunited at the Estate, and Bronson went to bed with Caprice. In photo form. Centerfold. Open. Propped against a pillow. It's still the most emotionally responsive partner he's had in six years.

And what's going to happen this week?

...

Slow breaths. Marshal. Regroup. Focus. Scream twice. Roll opening credits.

Morning at the Estate, and there's happy, gentle, content music playing as the camera moves inside the mansion. (We'll just call this 'the first clue'.) Most of our DAWs are feeling wiped out after the long day in Las Vegas and whatever it was that happened there, and Caprice emerges exhausted, walking into the dining room with her blanket wrapped around her head. Bronson's comment is 'You know what? You look like The Lady Of Fatima.' (And we'll just call that 'the second clue', because we're gonna need a miracle to save this show.) 'You know that one? She's virginal, but at the same time, accessible.' So after Bronson's happy night spent with a two-dimensional version of Caprice, his first thought about her is 'virginal'. You know what this means? It means Bronson can't even get lucky with a piece of paper.

Caprice gets the first confessional-tell of the day and lets us in on her theory regarding Bronson's advances: it's just part of his being a very eccentric person. And if you want that backed up, turn to the mainstream camera view, where Bronson is even now telling Jose that he had Caprice's soft porn calendar open next to him the previous night, because he wanted to see what it would be like to have someone that airbrushed breathing next to him. So among his many eccentricities, Bronson believes calendars can breathe. I guess after he convinced himself he still had a career, everything else was going to be a lesser delusion...

And speaking of both eccentric personalities and greater delusions, here comes Janice, entering the room with a mask on. This isn't just because she hasn't had her daily sacrifices layered onto her skeleton yet -- although she hasn't, giving us our second glance at Janice in her base death state. She's wearing a sleep mask over her eyes, which means she winds up walking through the dining room blindfolded, groping her way along. This may because she's not aware of actually being awake. She may be so wasted from the prior night that sight wouldn't be a reliable sense anyway. It's possible that she's finally turned to using her shrieks for radar bounces. Or she might have heard Jose in the room and decided this was the best way to get a free grope, and she does get her hands on his back and shoulders before saying 'Oh' and changing direction. This is the most peaceful thing Janice will say for the entire episode.

Bronson: 'How many truckers did you do last night?' (This is for the value of 'do' that equals 'have sex with'. In case you were curious.)
Janice (instantly incensed. Like it was going to take much.): 'You can't talk to me that way!' (Yes, he can.)
Bronson: 'Yes, I can.' (Ibid.)

Janice drops into c-t to protest. 'It was inappropriate and I promise you, I wanted to right-hook him and knock his teeth out.' The producers helpfully provide a black and white flashback to the previous episode, which shows Janice approaching an eighteen-wheeler while openly declaring 'I'm going to let a truck driver (censored) me!', and (censored) means pretty much what you think it does. So it's okay for Janice to say it, and it might even be okay for the camera operator who was with her to mention it to Bronson, but it's not okay for Bronson to bring it up in public. Life on Planet Janice, where there's exactly as many sets of laws as you need to get the job done. None.

Bronson catches up to Janice in the kitchen, just in time to hear the following. 'That was a really low blow and I didn't appreciate it, so (censored) (censored).' She wanders off to the kitchen counter, and we get to see why the sleep mask didn't matter: without her makeup, Janice's eyes are barely-open slits that probably aren't taking in enough light to make out more than patterns of shadow. 'That was just a cheap shot, and you didn't have to be disrespectful to me.'

'Yes, I did,' Bronson replies as he sniff-tests the milk for freshness, and can't we all understand his position?

'Why?' Janice asks, because she hasn't seen the show.

'It's just a joke, and you're trying to be literal even though it's just a joke,' Bronson responds. (Okay, so maybe he didn't talk to the camera operator...)

'No! You can't say that it's just a joke!', Janice shoots back. (And now we have the question of just how much of last night she remembers.)

'Just shut up, will you?' Bronson tells her.

'No, I will not shut up!' Janice yells, advancing on Bronson while still holding the small knife she was using as part of her breakfast preparations -- but she never gets closer than eight feet, which isn't near enough to do more than cast a foreshadow. 'You cannot say that I had anything to do with truck drivers! That was a cheap shot!' (Or how much she remembers that she'd really rather forget...)

Bronson's response is immediate. 'Shut up! Stop performing!' (Once again, we're reminded that the man went to Yale.)

'I won't!' Janice protests. (Because if she's not performing, she doesn't exist.'

'Shut up!' Bronson repeats himself. (It's not like it's going to get through this time, either.)

Janice responds with the only argument she knows. 'No! No!' (Ibid)

'She went berserk,' Bronson lets us know in c-t, because it's not as if we could ever figure that out for ourselves. 'She picked arbitrarily that she was going to go off on me because how dare I say that -- how stupid.' No, it wasn't completely arbitrary. Any other target, and she might have had to move.

Back in mainstream:

Janice: 'How many truckers did I did on the way home?' (Yes, that's the way she said it.)
Bronson: 'Yeah, how many? Give me a count.' (Jose enters the kitchen. Silly Jose...)
Janice: 'You know what --?' (Someone has to, and it's clearly not Janice)
Bronson: 'Give me a count.' (That's asking a lot from someone with Janice's education.)
Janice: '-- you are so low!' (Let us now pause to think about all the things Janice has said in c-t -- and in the open -- concerning the others since she got here. Do the words 'Voldemort the whore!', said in mainstream during the bowling challenge, ring any bells?)
Bronson: 'You haven't had a single real moment since I met you. Stop performing -- stop performing!' (He's a pervert, but he's a really perceptive pervert. At this point, Jose very sensibly leaves the room.)
Janice: 'I am not performing!' (Because she can't tell the difference any more.) 'You're not a Shakespearean actor! You're a has-been who hasn't had a job!' (This has been Janice's only connection to reality for the entire series.)
Bronson (c-t): 'She wants to be Cruella DeVille. She wants to be this devil-may-care be-yotch who flicks cigarettes in people's faces and says insensitive things and steps on dogs and eats them.' (Apparently fur is now a crucial part of Janice's layering.) (mainstream) 'You know what? Get on your broomstick and go back to Oz, would you please?' (And somewhere in the Estate, Voldemort is very insulted by the insinuation that Janice is anything other than a mindlost Muggle.)

All things considered, this would be a really good moment for the latest copy of The Surreal Times to hit the front door -- and really bad timing on the headline, which starts with 'Smile, Surreal Lifers!' Yeah. Right. As if there's a chance of that happening. And why are they supposed to be smiling? Because today is Press Day. VH1 is going to bring all sorts of press people into the Estate, no more than eighty percent of whom are employed by VH1 with the remainder being freelancers who are exactly that desperate, and they'll listen to our DAWs for a while, record a few interviews, get a shot or two, and basically try to drum up publicity for the season. Of course, this is happening several months before the series will air, but you'd be amazed how long people can sit on footage. In this case, 'forever' would have been good, and that's just the producers.

Jose fetches the paper, brings it into the Juice Bar/workout room, and reads off the story. 'Put on your faces, ladies --' but does Janice have four hours? -- never mind, he said ladies '-- and you can too, Jose --' but is there time to find the pantyhose? And did the corsetierre ever call back? '-- because today is Press Day.' In c-t, he adds 'I really didn't know what to expect, so I was hoping for something real simple.' Because after all those years in baseball, Jose still has no idea how to deal with the press. Just ask any reporter who tried to cover him. And as for wishing for the simple life -- you're on the wrong show. You've got all the qualifications for the other one, but you're stuck here. And it won't be long until you're wishing to be anywhere else.

The housemates split up to get ready for the event. Caprice sets the dining room table for the photo shoot to come before joining the other women for pre-arrival makeup: everyone is being worked on by professionals today. Janice, however, is being segregated. 'Now they want to me to do makeup in the bathroom,' she tells Voldemort. 'Is it okay if I take the things off your side of the counter? I don't want to move anything.'

Voldy's confused. Janice is acting like a human being. It's the least believable performance she's given to date. 'Do you mind using Bronson's bathroom?' she asks, because would you let Janice near something that you were going to apply to your skin later? (Bronson has his own bathroom. Must be the whole pervert thing again.)

'Yeah, I do,' Janice replies. 'I think -- I think he's got a lot of germs. I wouldn't go anywhere near him.' Or his bathroom. Or the air he breathes. Or the Estate he's living in -- if only we were that lucky... 'I came in politely and asked you if it's okay if maybe they put their things down maybe near your stuff.' (Shot of Janice's soul slaves entering the bathroom. Gee, and permission wasn't even secured yet.)

Voldemort decides to work out the probability of Janice having been possessed on her DarkPowerBook and turns her attention to it. 'Sure, Janice.'

'Okay, cool, thanks,' Janice says, and leaves at last.

'Janice Dickinson is just something I have to deal with,' Voldemort admits in c-t. 'I just want to wrap my hands around her neck...' And did you ever think you'd see the day where you found yourself agreeing with Voldemort?

'She's about to blow,' Bronson warns the cast. (They already know when she's about to suck.)

Voldemort (nods): 'She's about to blow. She went after him this morning, she went after me this morning...' (Presumably off-camera, unless that politeness was 'calm before the storm'.)
Bronson (c-t): 'Janice is on edge. I actually felt it.' (With the blade that far away?) (mainstream) 'Who wants to blow? I would never want to blow.' (So his perversion has a limit!)
Carey: 'Now you see, I would never let myself get to that point.' (Remember, he's the sane one.)
Bronson: 'That's what I mean, but she wants to blow.' (Both Janice and the series hit their sucking quota way back in episode one.)

There's a knock at the door. Is it the press? No, still too early. Apparently the producers decided Bronson was right and they need to defuse the ticking makeup bomb before it went off, so they've called in Nathan Fields. This is Janice's son. Please don't hold that against him. It's not exactly something he could control. He actually seems like a relatively sane human being who just happens to have been through the great misfortune of a badly-designed family tree. You may ask how it's possible to have Janice for a mother and come out normal. You should be asking Anna Nicole's son, but you might want to wait until he and Nathan get out of group therapy.

'About time!' Janice greets him before swinging into c-t. 'I'm so excited. My son Nathan is a big Surreal Life fan, so I invited him to visit me,' for that value of 'invited' known as 'intervention!' And of course, introductions are in order.

Janice: 'This is Bronson Pinchot.' (Can you see the cue card?)
Bronson (shaking hands): 'We've heard so much about you!' (Mostly about how Voldemort should get off the phone with a grieving friend so Nathan could be called.)
Janice: 'Shakespearean actor, Yale graduate...' (Can you see the resume'?)
Bronson: 'We've heard that you will kill her if she steps out of line.' (Hope! We have Hope -- wait. He's done a really lousy job so far...)
Nathan: 'Yeah, basically.' (Yeah, right.)
Bronson: 'Well, how would you do that? Just with an upset look, or with actual physical violence?' (And now Bronson has Hope.)
Nathan: 'Somewhere between the two.' (But not much.)
Janice: 'He's the love of my life, the man in my life...' (Oh, yuck!)
Bronson (c-t): 'This is a rollercoaster ride for me, because this morning, I was the angriest at her I've ever been -- ' (b&w flashback to the kitchen) '-- and then you see the son, and you just melt.' (mainstream) 'All you really need is sensitivity, and he has that in spades.' (to Nathan) 'Now where do you get that from?' (It's a good question. Maybe Janice has so few genes left that everything she can still contribute is a recessive?)
Nathan: 'My dad.' (Bingo.)
Bronson: 'Uh-huh.' (Briefly cups Janice's chin, then leaves.)
Janice: 'Don't touch me!' (to Nathan) 'He's always touching me. I hate that.' (Especially since he didn't like it when you did it back to him -- right, Janice?)

Janice gets revenge a few minutes later: there's a roll of black gaffer's tape lying around, and she puts several pieces over Bronson's lenticular pictures to make it look like he's missing several front teeth. This amuses Janice greatly, to the point where she c-t admits to feeling like she's eighteen. And still acting like she's three.

After far too little time, Nathan has to leave because the press is starting to arrive -- it's like meeting Ivette's SO Maggie: as soon as you realize there's one sane person in the family, that's the one you want to hang around -- and Janice lets him go with a hug and 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do -- which still gives you plenty of rope.' And then she reluctantly backwards-edges towards the front door, looking very much like a little girl lost. It's the most normal moment we've seen for Janice in the entire series. The eye of the storm has settled over the Estate, and all is calm.

Storms can move in very quickly.

The press is in the Estate, photos are being taken -- Janice licks the phone, Carey sits in the wheel-shaped chair -- and interviews are being conducted. An unnamed reporter for an unknown network is sitting in the living room with Voldemort. Jose is on the couch, waiting his turn.

Reporter: 'Voldemort, what's the most difficult thing about living in this house?' (Make your predictions now...)
Voldemort: 'I have two words for you: Janice Dickinson. It's like being with a one-legged man at a (rear)-kicking competition.' (Lucky looks up, intrigued.) 'It just doesn't make sense...' (It made sense to the dog.)

Janice walks through the living room, a large piece of paper held in her left hand. As she passes the couch, she crumples it with enough force to produce a crackling noise which registers on camera. It's distracting and slightly disruptive. It's something a three year-old would do.

Voldemort: 'Excuse me -- I've got an interview going on here!' (And Janice remembers those, right?)
Janice (c-t): 'After my son left, Voldemort dumma-grossa was in the living room having her interview, and someone in the house made some noise, and I'm sure she thought it was me.' (Because it was you.)

We may have missed something here -- some response by Janice that didn't make the camera -- because the next exchange is:

Voldemort: 'Janice, shut the (censored) up.' (From this point on, Voldy speaks mostly to the camera. She never makes eye contact with Janice at any time.)
Janice: 'Now you see, that's the fifth time you've told me to shut the (censored) up. You can't talk to me like that.' (Jose's slightly startled attention is caught.)
Voldemort: 'Well, I thought you'd get the hint by the third time.' (It's a nice dream, isn't it?)
Janice: 'I'd never say that to you!' (No, you just tell her to get off the phone with her friend after said friend loses her father. And there was the 'whore' thing.) 'I never used that word to you and I thought you were running for office.' (Does anyone know what Janice means here?)
Voldemort: 'Well, shut up.' (c-t) 'This woman has triggered in me an outpouring of every type of profanity you can ever imagine...' (yes, I can) (mainstream) 'You know what? I thought you were the head of the PTA. We both are wrong, aren't we?' (Let us hope. Although it would explain a lot about the PTA.)
Janice: 'Well, I am, but I never use the F-word.' (...what?)
Voldemort: 'We both are wrong, aren't we?' (It's not repeating yourself, it's hoping something gets through.)
Janice: 'You know what? You're on camera, man, and you go and use the F-word. I never talk to you that way, Miss Thing.' (Anyone want to review again?)
Voldemort: 'Are you done?' (Probably not.)
Janice: 'You don't talk to me that way!' (Nope.)
Voldemort: 'Are you done?' (Not a chance.)
Janice: 'I'll yank your weave off, honey.' (Jose's mouth goes very round, with his lips momentarily forming an 'Oh, no...')
Voldemort: 'I'll yank your weave off! Your stylists spend four hours on your weave every morning! Don't (censored) run on me!' (She seems to speaking directly to Jose -- and see? I haven't been exaggerating!)
Janice: 'That's because I'm a supermodel, honey, not a reality show loser!' (DefCon 3...)
Voldemort: 'You are not a supermodel!' (DefCon4... and Jose hides behind a pillow.)
Janice: 'First supermodel, honey!' (It's a very big button and it gets pushed by the lightest gust of wind.)
Voldemort: 'A supermodel doesn't -- well, maybe they do get high and walk around and look crazy...' (c-t) 'She is nothing but a high society crackhead. A high society crackhead. That's it.' (mainstream, to Jose) 'The crackhead is in need of some ready rock. Can we get one of those drug dealers from off of South Central?' (Hah!)
Janice (c-t): 'Voldemort is a pathological liar, period. When Voldemort said I was a crackhead, that's when I got really, really, really super-upset.' (mainstream) 'Guess what? Three thousand Vogue covers. What have you done lately?' (How many of those covers were recent? And by the way, Jose is now hiding behind two pillows.)
Voldemort: 'Congratulations. And you're such a big failure. How can you have been so successful and be such a big failure?' (Well, being on this show is kind of the definition of being a big failure, but if you're on it as well...)
Janice: 'I didn't say 'Shut the F up' on camera, and you've been doing that all week!' (That's a response?)
Voldemort: 'Are you done? Are you done?' (Rapid fire doesn't work either.)
Janice: 'No. If you say it to me one more time...' (You'll melt)
Voldemort: 'Okay. Listen. Shut the (censored) up. Bring it.' (And we're off!)
Janice: 'There you go...!' (She's melting! She's melting! What a world, what a world -- oh. Sorry. Still there. That was just makeup running. And camera operators.)
Voldemort. 'Bring it. Bring it.' (And Janice is still off!)

I've never been so glad to see a commercial break in my life.

VH1 feels the need to recap most of the above when they come back, followed by Jose in a very weary c-t. 'I don't think any of the words they were using with each other were warranted at all. I think they were just going completely berserk.' No, 'completely berserk' is up ahead. Stand by.

Voldemort (imitating Janice, playing with her hair): 'I'm a supermodel! I'm so nasty and mean to people! It makes me feel important! I'm a supermodel! Look at me! Everyone in the house hates me! They loathe me! They hate when I walk in a room!' (stops. Normal voice.) 'Congratulations.' (Gawd help me, I'm proud of her.)
Janice: 'Well -- well, I didn't -- I didn't get fired from Trump!' (She thinks this is a defense. She really does.)
Voldemort (snorts with laughter): 'Well, you know what?' (sarcastic) 'If I didn't get fired from Trump, I wouldn't have the pleasure of meeting you.' (Is she trying to write this summary by remote?)
Janice: 'There you go! Another reality show winner!' (For the weakest possible definition of 'win' -- and Janice storms out.)
Voldemort (c-t): 'You know what? You can dress them up, you can take them out, you can fly in their makeup team from Rome or Paris, and at the end of the day, she's still a cracked-out 'ho. Bottom line.' (DefCon5 and holding.)

Bronson enters to find Jose still partially hidden behind the pillows.

Bronson: 'What happened? Would I have loved it?' (We repeat: pervert.)
Jose: 'Oh, they went at it...' (And that doesn't help Bronson, does it?)
Bronson: 'They did?' (Note there's no question to the identity of 'they'. Or any request to clarify 'at it'.)

Jose gives Bronson a brief summary -- 'F-ing this, F-ing that -- it was awesome!' -- then demonstrates his pillow-hiding technique as Bronson laughs. In c-t, Jose adds that they're used to this sort of thing between Janice and Voldy -- free entertainment -- but it seems as if it hasn't been quite this bad before now.

Jose: 'It was tragically funny.' (As Jose's IQ goes up two points.)
Bronson: 'What was the worst part? The cruelest part?' (The fact that I had to write all that down, and ibid.)
Jose: 'The whole thing.' (And now he wants a summary, too...) 'There was no letting up.'
Bronson: 'And the day is young.' (Gawds help us all.)

At this point, it's obvious Janice's son wasn't enough to calm things down, so it's time to bring in Relative #2. This is Theresa, Voldemort's mother. (HP note: Voldy's mother is still alive!) And since we didn't visit the sins of the parent on the offspring, we're not going to do it the other way around this time. Theresa, like Nathan, seems pretty normal, or as normal as you'd look if you raised the Dark Lord and was used to having the Imperious Curse thrown on you in mixed company. Voldy greets her with a hug, welcomes to her to the mansion, and brings her inside.

Voldemort (c-t): 'My mom just moved here from Ohio, so everything is like new, fresh, exciting... She walked in and said 'Wow! It's like a circus!' and I said 'It really is a circus...'' (Of course, Theresa's state recently outlawed civil unions, so you have to take 'new' and 'fresh' with a grain of salt with someone who had the great fortune to live in 1206 A.D.)

More introductions are in order, of course, and that includes Janice -- who greets Theresa with 'It's so nice to meet you!' and a hug. That's it. A few kind words and a hug. If you want to insult Voldemort's mother in front of her, go right ahead and tell me how far you get. And what shape you arrived there in.

Janice (c-t, playing it halfway safe for now): 'Her mother seemed really, really sweet, and Voldemort seemed really, really sweet with her mother -- but she's not a nice person!' (Anyone else hear lightning just now?)

And what sort of three year-old brat would Janice be if she didn't use the chance to tattletale? In this case, she tells Theresa to give Voldy remedial training in Muggle cleaning, because Voldemort's side of the room is not to Janice's liking, mostly because it still contains Voldemort. 'You must got the wrong person!', Theresa declares, but Janice insists that Voldy never cleans anything and Janice has been stuck scrubbing extra powdered face off the sink since they arrived. Voldemort points out that she, like Janice, has an assistant, and doubts either of them has ever cleaned anything -- then heads outside with her mother, whispering 'That woman is high as a kite!' And twice as flimsy.

Meanwhile, Bronson is updating Caprice on the day's events, and warning her to watch out for Janice. 'She's like the guy in Texas Chainsaw Massacre -- just out there with the motor running.' The producers provide an appropriate sound effect. 'It's ugly, and it's just going to get uglier.'

Cue ugliness.

A photographer's assistant comes into the larger bedroom to let the Riddle family know the group photo shoot will be in about ten minutes, and they need everyone in what amounts to their character outfits. Voldemort tells her mother that her strategy is to stand out in the group picture -- great, now Voldy's having flashbacks -- before putting on a very classy white evening gown with sparkles and an extremely low back cut. Janice emerges wearing jeans on her lower half and quasi-trashy lingerie on the upper. Sandi's dressed casually. Carey's wearing pretty much when he's worn for the whole series: motocross casual with skullie. Bronson pulled out a Hawaiian shirt. Caprice is tastefully dressed. Jose's in a muscle shirt. And they're all gathered around the dining room table, getting into position, waiting for the shoot to begin. The table itself is fully loaded with food -- several courses, a complete spread of utensils, lots of drinks -- and the mood the photographer wants is 'dysfunctional family dinner'.

'We have the new props for you,' the assistant tells Janice.

'Lucky?' Janice asks. Other living things are props.

'No,' the assistant responds. 'On the table.'

Janice goes over to the end of the table. There's a very large knife there, a pitcher of red Kool-Aid, and a big cake. Lucky is lying nearby on the floor. Janice picks up the knife and turns it over in her hands.

'We're not going to cut Lucky's leg off...' Carey tries to laugh.

'Perfection. Perfection. Guaranteed.' Janice faces the table, spots the cake, says 'Does anyone want some cake?', and starts slashing at it. Hacking. Destroying it under the blade. It's not an attempt to get the thing into several edible pieces: it's assault on a bakery product. The housemates and photographers watch in stunned silence. 'Who's on a diet? I'm sure you are, Voldemort. Because you look so good in that gown.' Hacking, pushing the icing around with the blade. The photographer directs Janice to her photo space: this is over by Sandi, and she strolls there, holding the knife high. 'So what am I supposed to do with this?' The photographer cautions her to be careful of Lucky, whose leash is tied to the table. 'Lucky? No...' Janice isn't going to do anything foolish around Lucky. Lucky might get hurt, and you don't damage the props. Or maybe that would make for a better picture. Janice draws the knife back, threatening Lucky, and coming into Sandi's space on the backswing. Sandi recoils, but Janice reassures her. She's not going to hurt Sandi. Sandi is a good prop. Sandi's never urinated on the carpet, but Lucky has. So why would Janice do anything to her? Relax...

The photographer, getting visibly nervous, directs Janice to go between Voldemort and Caprice. Janice saunters over, rotating the knife as she goes. 'Anyone need a haaaircut? A little trim with my little butcher knife?' she asks as she gets into position. The rest of the table is silent again. If it's a joke, it's not funny. If it was anyone else saying the words, there might be laughter. But this is Janice, and when the question is sanity, the answer has been 'no' too often to be comfortable with the situation. The air in the room is becoming heavier by the second. Everyone else just wants this over with. But not Janice. She's in her element. She's having fun. And this is what the photographer wants, right? He wants the dysfunctional feeling. The house on the knife's edge.

Someone gives a cue. Voldemort, sitting on the edge of the table, picks up a mirror and gazes into it. Janice raises the knife and holds it over Voldemort's head, blade down, muscles tensed, her expression pleased in a way that could easily be described as disconnected. Or mad. Voldemort, perhaps getting a glint of what's happening in the mirror, looks up.

Voldemort: 'She needs to get away from me with the knife. Right now.' (How comfortable would you have felt?)
Janice (twirling blade, still close to Voldemort's head.): 'Why? It's just a prop.' (It was sharp enough for the cake.)

Janice c-ts that she was just going for the Wes Craven slasher look -- imitates it -- loses all humanity from her face -- and Voldemort just reacted badly. Gee. I can't imagine why. Actually, I can. There's a big question mark about Janice being able to.

Voldemort protests again. Janice returns the knife to its original position over Voldemort's head, looking just as happily crazed as the first time. Voldy, the anger starting to reach the surface, tells the photographer that she's serious, and this shoot is over unless someone disarms Janice immediately. The photographer agrees to stop. They'll take the knife away from Janice.

'Well, somebody come get it!' Janice petulantly whines, and the photographer comes over with the pitcher of Kool-Aid as a replacement. '(Censored),' Janice says. 'Dude. They told me to stand here... (censored)...' Because it's not as if she did anything wrong. Yet.

Voldemort still isn't comfortable. 'Back the (censored) up.' (I would have said something similar.)
Janice: 'I'm not -- I'm not -- I'm not backing up. I never said the F word...' (We're back to this?)
Voldemort: 'You let a crackhead play with a knife over here...' (And this?)
Janice: 'Excuse me? You know what? Who's the crackhead here?' (You know, if I had to assign 'crackhead' to one of you, it wouldn't be Voldy.)
Voldemort: '(Unknown. Sounds like 'Let's scuss. Let's scuss.' Probably slang.)'
Janice: 'It's just a joke.' (Lets go of the knife, takes the pitcher and holds it very close to Voldemort.)
Bronson (quickly, seeing what's about to happen): 'Careful!' (Too late. Far, far too late.)
Janice: 'Like your wedding dress...' (The pitcher moves closer, the spout starting to angle forward and down.)
Bronson (angry): 'Leave her alone!!' (He jumps to his feet and runs over.) 'Stop it! Stop it!' (Bronson to the rescue!)
Janice (very slightly slurred): 'It's just a joke.' (And yet, it's still not funny.)
Bronson: 'No. Just put that down.' (Since when did Bronson become the parent?)

Sandi and Carey look worried. Jose looks mortified. Caprice looks horrified. And the camera clicks.

The commercials, in their infinite mercy, choose this moment to show up.

When the show returns, VH1 provides still another recap. Because we really, really needed one.

Sandi goes into c-t, just to remind us she exists and she's still Janice's mom. 'Voldemort was like 'You've got it in for me, and I don't want you near me with the knife'. She was making a scene of it.' As opposed to what Janice was doing, which was -- wait. It's exactly the same, isn't it? It's just a question of who was holding the weapon.

Carey (c-t): 'Voldemort has this perception of herself as being this, like, you know, super be-yotch. So with the cameras being there, she's been turning it up from the like 6 she's been in the house to like 9 or 10. And the same thing with Janice. You know, everyone wants to be in the spotlight, wants to be what everyone was talking about in the house...' And all the while, photos from the shoot flash across the screen, and we patiently wait for the exhibit labels that never come...

Bronson c-t admits his motivation. 'Janice was going to get hurt, because Voldemort was going to strangle her, claw her eyes out, or punch her in the chest. I guarantee it.' Based on previous confessionals, I'd have to go with 'strangle'. But I would have settled for any of the three.

In mainstream:

Bronson: 'Stop it!' (Everyone listen to Bronson!)
Janice: 'It's just a joke...' (But not to Janice.)
Bronson: 'Stop it!' (goes for the pitcher)
Janice: 'Don't touch me!' (Back to old reliable, Janice?)
Bronson: 'You can't have that either!' (The pitcher and the physical contact.)
Janice: 'So you're directing now?' (Caprice is now actively searching for an escape route.)
Bronson: 'No. I don't want to be in this picture either, not with her!' (Indicates Janice -- and walks out.)
Voldemort: 'You know what? I'm done.' (walks out)
Janice: 'Everyone, I'm sorry, you know --' (pours out pitcher onto table. Carey, Sandi, and Caprice jump up, dodging the splash zone. No one gets wet -- barely.) '-- I'll just put it on the table, it's no big thing...' (Sandi, Caprice, and Carey walk out.) 'You know, I'm not directing... they asked me to stand here, no biggy...' (Jose leaves.) 'Okay. I know how to clear a room...' (No. Kidding.)
Photographer: 'I think we got our shot.' (Too bad. Imagine what it would have been like on the second take.)

Janice (c-t): 'It was a gag photo!' (No. It was a photo that made people gag. There's a difference.) 'They all took it the wrong way. Voldemort has poisoned the rest of the castmates...' And what a pity that she didn't use something more lethal on you.

Back in mainstream, Janice tries to pass in the buck in front of Voldemort, claiming it was all because the photographer had asked her to do it, and the photographer, who probably has his contract with VH1 memorized and knows what a denial would cost him in dollars and cents, agrees to accept full responsibility, saving Janice from doing it for the first time in her life. Janice asks the assistants to go defend her some more, because doing it herself tires her so.

'Someone needs to call the police,' Voldemort declares, storming through the dining room on her way to the bedrooms. 'Cracked out high society be-yotch. We all know you're on drugs, Janice. We all whisper about it, but now I'm telling the truth.' And Janice protests and says she's not on drugs with her eyes half-lidded and her words stuttering into each other and her voice half bratty little girl, half frustrated predator, and all the other signs that make it so hard not to take Voldemort seriously...

Janice retreats into c-t. She tells us she's a PTA mom, she has kids, she resents the insinuations, and as for Voldemort, well, (censored) her. Which doesn't mean she's used the F word about Voldy. Oh, no. Those confessional tapes can be faked, edited to say anything. Everyone knows that, right?\

Jose has an opinion. 'That was scarier than jail.' And he'd know.

Voldy returns to the bedroom and finds her mother sitting on a bed. 'Well,' she says with forced breeziness. 'Welcome to The Surreal Life.'

Theresa shakes her head. 'That was not nice.' In a word? Duh.

Voldemort heads for her drawers. 'I have to pack my (censored) up... figure out how the hell to get me off this show...' That's right. Voldemort's walking. This is not another one of Janice's many, many fake-quits. This is, unless something radical happens in the next few minutes, over. Voldy's had it and she's leaving. And who can blame her? Jose and Bronson, that's who -- although it's really not blame: it's 'Please don't leave us alone with her...' They head up to the bedroom to talk Voldemort out of leaving with their best possible arguments, namely:

Jose: 'You can't go! I'll tackle your All-Star Survivor!' (See, Voldy? You wanted him, remember? Sounds like you're getting close to having it go both ways.)
Bronson: 'It would be great if you just stayed because you were going to tough it out...' (Which is really 'Please don't leave me alone with her...)

Voldemort refuses. She thinks the attempt to save her is sweet, she's come to respect both Bronson and Jose, but -- she doesn't need the money from the show: she's got Galleons to spare. She's done what she set out to accomplish: proving that there's just enough left in her that's human to get a job as a sideline commentator on Battle of the Network Reality Stars, plus there's a poker game she really wants to play, and no matter what happens to her in the quest for ultimate power, at least she'll always know she's a better person than Janice. She's leaving.

Naturally, Janice can't be bothered with this conversation. Instead, she's defending herself to Caprice and Sandi, with the former looking as if she'd rather be anywhere else. It was just a joke, right? Voldy's 'Emmy-award winning dress' didn't even get wet! Maybe because she poured out the pitcher after Voldy had left, fear of the whole strangulation thing, parts of her neck are still flesh -- but -- joke! Joke! Why won't anyone listen to her! Caprice nervously points out that the cast only has a few days left in the house, and can't Voldemort and Janice just ignore each other? No, they can't. That trick never works. Ignore a bully of any stripe and they just keep escalating their activities until they find something you can't ignore. And yes, I'm talking about Janice.

Voldemort continues to pack, but has to stop so she can escort her discomforted mother out. Theresa's comment on Janice's behavior was 'That is not natural' -- neither is anything else about Janice -- and she wants to go home. She tells Voldemort to do whatever she has to in order to feel safe, and that presumably includes any of the three Unforgivable Curses. Voldemort walks Theresa out through the living room -- while carrying a billiard ball racker as a defensive weapon -- where the rest of the cast has gathered to say goodbye.

Bronson: 'You don't think you could apologize?' (Most deluded question of the episode.)
Janice: 'Hell, no!' (Most direct answer.)
Bronson: 'She's going to leave the show.' (And don't you wish you were going with her, Bronson?)
Janice: 'Let her! Let her leave!' (And don't we wish you were following Bronson, Janice?)

Outside:

Theresa (half sobbing): 'Be Voldemort!' (Read that however you want to.)
Voldemort: 'I'm Voldemort all day.' (And that.) And goes back into the Estate to finish packing, rather than be stuck around that 'crazy psycho be-yotch'. She doesn't play with knives. Money, phone calls, other people's chances of winning a job, the occasional game of pickup basketball, no problem -- but knives are over the line. Enough.
Bronson: 'I said it this morning! I said 'Get the weapons out of the house!'' (And yet, they missed the ball racker.)
Janice (screamed from several rooms away) 'You're making a mountain out of a molehill!' (Just like Janice's makeup team does to her hair every day.)
Voldemort: 'Oh, go smoke some crack, you crack be-yotch.' (And do it on camera.)
Janice (going over the line once and for all, as if she hadn't done it already): 'I bought it from your momma.' (Welcome to DefCon 6.)
Voldemort: 'I want you to OD. Remember you said to go play in traffic? Go play in a crackhouse. That's what I want you to do.' (And holding.)
Bronson (to Sandi): 'There's going to be some horrible thing today, I'm telling you. Entertainment and reality are going to collide, and something horrible is going to happen.'

And here's the first of those horrible things.

To be continued.

Next week on The Surreal Life: Janice breaks down. Bronson breaks down. The last of the audience breaks down and finally turns this sewage off once and for all.

Wait -- there's something missing from this episode -- something that didn't happen -- we need to make quota on a vital part of the show...

Oh, right. About the rest of the series?

I fake-quit.