LAST EDITED ON 01-19-06 AT 04:22 PM (EST)

Skating with Celebrities: Episode 1
The Train Wreck That Wasn’t

Soooo…Skating with Celebrities…nothing could possibly go wrong with this, right? I mean, it’s not like skating is a dangerous sport that takes years to learn. We got lots of previews of injuries…let’s see if Fox delivers.

When I heard about the show, I asked myself, “WaterDrop, how did Fox manage to con these skaters that range from burnt out to really good into doing this show?” Luckily, Scott Hamilton is there to answer this for me. He comes out onto the carpeted area of the ice yelling “Yeeeaaaahhhh” like we’re at a rock concert. The crowd goes wild.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a crowd. A loud crowd. This one sounds like it could get slightly obnoxious.

Anyway. Scottie tells us that one month ago, Fox built a pretty new rink to lure in the good skaters. They also got some really good choreographers. The celebrities were really excited, but after a month of practice, they started realize that this might be hard and people might get hurt. Never fear, however, there will be fierce competition.

I see now how we got skaters, and how we got celebrities is pretty self-explanatory, but I’m not really sure how this little competition is going to work. Summer Sanders is going to explain it.

Summer Sanders? Isn’t she a swimmer? They must have run out of skaters that were willing to sell out.

Here's a picture of our hosts:

Yes, Scott Hamilton really is that short in real life.

Summer tells us that every performance is critical. Tonight each pair will skate one routine, and these scores will be combined with next week’s. The pair with the lowest point total will be eliminated.

Scott interjects to tell us that the decisions are made by the judges.

Wait. Judges? You mean like real judges? Nope. Judges like John Nicks, Mark Lund, and Dorothy Hamill. Why no real judges? Real judges aren’t allowed to be paid. (As long as the bribe you accept is food, lodging, or gift certificates, you’re good.)

Let’s learn about the judges anyway, shall we?

John Nicks is a coach. Specifically, he is Sasha Cohen’s coach. Sir, don’t you have more important things to be doing right now? Oh, he also won some competitions in pairs and is a member of the Figure Skating Hall of Fame.

Mark Lund is the Olympic figure skating analyst for CNN and the founder of International Figure Skating Magazine. Unless something has drastically changed in the past two years, this magazine consists mainly of advertisements.

Dorothy Hamill won the Olympics, Worlds, and an Emmy.

Scottie tells us that the object is to put on the most entertaining performance possible. They are judged on two categories: artistic impression and technical merit.

Summer tells us that as the celebrities move on, they will have to perform required elements that will get more difficult.

Tonight’s Element: A spin. Scottie tells us that this can’t just be a simple spin – it has to have three revolutions. It can be done in singles or pairs. There is no note as to whether this spin has to be executed on one foot or two, but we’ll come to see that it doesn’t matter, which makes me question how a spin can get simpler than this.

Tonight’s Musical Theme: Music from the Movies

The Cast:
Kurt Browning and Deborah Gibson

Nancy Kerrigan and Dave Coulier

Tai Babilonia and Bruce Jenner

Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler

Jillian Barberie and John Zimmerman

Jenni Meno and Todd Bridges

First up: Kurt Browning and Deborah Gibson

Practice:
We get to see clips from practice since they had a month to learn everything. Kurt isn’t a pairs skater and is concerned that he’s at a disadvantage…that does kind of hurt him. Deborah thinks their mutual desire to entertain will make it work.

Tonight:
Deborah is wearing a lovely a black sparkly dress with a full short skirt and an apron. Kurt is wearing black pants, a white shirt, a black sparkly vest, and a tan hat. Apparently they were out of black hats tonight. They’re skating to How Do You Like Your Eggs in the Morning.

We start off with some general waste of time stuff that doesn’t involve skating but does involve looking coy. The first skating we get is a set of bunny hops by Deborah and a double axel by Kurt. Nothing like using your Olympic partner to gain technical merit, but this is going to be a theme tonight. Deborah, please stay off your toepicks.

Next we have a forward lunge. Somebody needs to do some stretching and strength training *coughDeborahcough*! Your leg should stay behind you, not trip your partner.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The spin. She does a forward one-foot spin. Apparently Deborah is an “opposite” skater. The majority of skaters do forward spins on their left foot and spin counterclockwise. She did it on her right foot and spun clockwise. It’s a matter of preference (most right handed people spin CCW, most left handed people spin CW), but it could make things awkward as the elements get more difficult because Kurt jumps and spins normal. She has a horrible free leg position, and she falls off her edge after 3 revolutions, but she hangs on for almost 5 revolutions before stepping out of it.

Deborah does backwards crossovers like her legs are in splints. BEND YOUR KNEES. They throw in a lift – as in Kurt picks her straight up off the ice, turns around, and sets her down. Despite the fact that there’s virtually no way to screw that up, she doesn’t have a very nice finishing position because her knees are apparently locked in the “straight” position. She stops by letting Kurt hold her hands so she can’t move and leaning forward on her toepicks. That’s a good way to bust your chin open, but Deborah stays on her feet. She does a couple three turns with a free leg position that wouldn’t get her past the very first figure skating test that the USFSA offers, some cute hat tricks, and they’re done.

The judges’ comments:
Dorothy Hamill: Congratulations. Going first is the most difficult. The program was very entertaining. She was enchanted.

John Nicks: The program was exciting as usual for Kurt, but there was too much fluff, not enough substance. At this point, our crowd shows that they will indeed be obnoxious and boos loudly.

Mark Lund: Lovely spin, but Kurt needs to be sure not to step on the girl doing the lunge.

My comments (because I can’t summarize skating stuff without giving my opinion): Deborah looked like any of the average adults that I’ve taught. The spin was okay, but her free leg position was annoying me to no end. Also, the girl needs to bend her knees and get her feet closer together. The key to learning to skate is not being afraid to bend your knees. The artistry was decent, I guess, but the program reminded me a lot of what we’d choreograph for the cute little kids that are just learning to skate when the ice show happens.

Since this is a real competition, we have to have a kiss and cry. Summer is the lucky host that gets to talk to the skaters there. Deborah has lots of adrenaline and was glad to go first. Obviously she hasn’t had a chance to think about how badly going first can hurt you.

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 7.8 The crowd boos.
Dorothy Hamill: 8.0 What??? Where was there anything even remotely hard?
Mark Lund 8.0 See above.
Total Technical Merit= 23.8

Artistry:
John Nicks: 8.0
Dorothy Hamill: 8.2
Mark Lund: 8 .0
Total Artistic Impression= 24.2

Combined Score: 48.0/60.0

Next up: Tai Babilonia and Bruce Jenner

Practice:
Bruce is not so good on ice. He’s concerned about problems with his knee. I’m concerned about the fact that he falls flat on his a$$ every time he tries to move in practice. Somebody needs to teach him how to fall. WaterDrop’s PSA: The second key to learning to skate is learning to fall properly.

Tonight
Tai is wearing a red dress. Bruce has a white suit. They’re skating to Up Where We Belong.

They start with forward crossovers, then Bruce does a mohawk and does some backwards crossovers. Lots of crossovers. He does a back outside spiral, she does a forward outside…not a great position, but not nearly as bad as I had expected. She does a spin while he does some two-foot turns.

Oh, look! More crossovers, then he lifts her up (only about six inches off the ice, but they have awesome hand positions). He does a real right forward outside three turn, then crossovers and another set of spirals, this time on flats.

He does a two foot spin (4 revolutions), then more back crossovers into two waltz jumps and dips her into an almost-hydroblade. He does a final turn-that’s-almost-but-not-quite an inside spread eagle while she does an inside spread eagle around him, and they’re done.

The judges’ comments:

John Nicks: Tai is one of the most beautiful skaters in the world, they have a wonderful relationship on the ice, but their artistry is non-existent.

Dorothy Hamill: A slow number doesn’t hide many flaws, but their edges were good.

Mark Lund: Having taught adult skaters and knowing how hard waltz jumps are, he’s impressed that Bruce did two in a row.

My comments:
I’m very, very impressed. He’s come a LONG way in a month. He also does really good spirals for a guy that isn’t a skater, dancer, cheerleader, or gymnast. My favorite thing about him? He bends his knees. Also, waltz jumps really are hard for most adults to learn, and he did them relatively well, and he didn’t look down at the ice when he landed. You can see that they’ve been working on technique, so they’re my early favorites.

In the kiss and cry Bruce apologizes to the guys at the golf club for not being there very often lately.

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 8.0
Dorothy Hamill: 8.1
Mark Lund 8.2
Total Technical Merit= 24.3

Artistry:
John Nicks: 8.1
Dorothy Hamill: 8.3
Mark Lund: 8 .1
Total Artistic Impression= 24.5

Combined Score: 48.8/60.0

Time out. This is almost entertaining. I mean, it's hard for me to get over the technique issues, but these people are actually trying. They actually care. I thought this show was supposed to be horrible. It is, after all, on Fox...but...but...but I'm finding myself hoping to see people do well instead of hoping to see them fail. I'm confused, but I'll keep watching, I guess.

Next: Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler

Practice:
She can spin, but she’s left handed and he’s right handed, so he’s concerned about spinning in opposite directions. Her spins travel a lot, and she steps out of them…I’d be more concerned that she’ll crash into him, but the direction issue could make things difficult later because she’s skated enough to have an actual preference, so she won’t be able to easily switch directions to match him.

Tonight:
Kristy’s in a black dress. Lloyd is in black pants and a sparkly black shirt. They’re skating to The Air that I Breathe.

I hate when camera angles don’t show feet. They do spirals…she’s really shaky and never really hits a good position and doesn’t get even remotely stable until the end. Awful, awful, awful. I mean really, really bad except for the last 2 or 3 seconds, which were only moderately bad.

They do a lift and hit a couple of different positions, but they’re all positions that require no strength or actual ability on her part.

I had expected a scratch spin out of her, but it was just a one-foot spin…about 8 revolutions, but a bad position and she steps out of it.

They do another lift, but again all she had to do was trust her partner…no work involved. At least this one involved a little more trust, so I’ll give them a little credit.

The judges’ comments:
John Nicks: Slow number. The lifts were good, Kristy was good in the air, but everyone knew the lifts would be good. He would have liked to see something more exciting. The crowd is less than pleased. The crowd boos.

Dorothy Hamill: She agrees. It was the first night, but would like more connection between them.

Mark Lund: He agrees, too. Good first trial. The spirals were nice but a bit weak. The crowd really didn’t like that comment.

My comments:
I didn’t like them. The lifts were good because her partner was good. Pretty much anyone could do what she did. The only remotely difficult things she did were the spin and the spirals, and the spirals were bad. The spin was better than everyone’s thus far, but really was technically not good.

In the kiss and cry, Kristy admitted to screwing up the spiral and said that was the first time that ever happened. Funny. That’s what my kids’ parents always say when their kids fail a test. “But she could do it fine in practice. She’s never done it wrong before today.” And it was a forward outside spiral. You can’t get an easier spiral than that.

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 7.9 The crowd boos.
Dorothy Hamill: 7.9 The crowd boos.
Mark Lund 8.0 The crowd cheers…because an 8.0 is so much better than a 7.9
Total Technical Merit= 23.8

Artistry:
John Nicks: 7.9 The crowd boos.
Dorothy Hamill: 7.9 The crowd boos.
Mark Lund: 7.9 The crowd boos.
Total Artistic Impression= 23.7

Combined Score: 47.5/60.0

Standings so far:
Bruce/Tai
Deborah/Kurt
Kristy/Lloyd

Next: Jenni Meno and Todd Bridges

Practice:
Todd was a roller skater, but it didn’t help much. Jenni’s worried about Todd getting injured, so he’s wearing knee/elbow/wrist pads. Please, teach him how to fall. Jenni doesn’t dance so well.

Tonight:
Jenni’s in a black and pink corset top shirt and jean skirt. Todd’s in jeans, and button down shirt with vest, and cowboy hat that he promptly throws. They’re skating to Wild Wild West.

They start with some swizzles and dancing (Jenni’s doing better than in practice), then Todd does a pull through with Jenni. Those are fun, by the way, and harder for the guy than you might imagine because of the risk of falling off over your heel.

They did a couple intros for lifts - looks like there’s potential for an actual lift in the not-so distant future. He does lunges that are so-so – the technique is okay, but he’s not flexible. His spin is on two feet and goes for 4 revolutions, but travels all over the place. He trips skating forward, but doesn’t fall.

They do a throw-waltz jump, which was kind of impressive because you could tell that he actually threw her and didn’t fake it. Finally, he either goes over his toepicks onto his knees or he was supposed to do that (I can’t tell), but he dances around on the ice and they’re done.

The judges’ comments:
Mark Lund: Jenni can actually dance now, Todd has great rhythm and a marked improvement.

Dorothy Hamill: She loved it and was entertained. Sometimes Todd reminded them he was on ice and wasn’t completely comfortable, but she loved it.

John Nicks: He didn’t like it. It was exciting, but it was exciting because Nicks was waiting for him to fall and break his neck. Jenni wasn’t on the beat. He recommends dumping this program and going to plan B. (To which Todd replies that his plan B is to go train with Nicks.) The crowd really does not like John Nicks.

My comments:
I liked them. They looked like they were having fun, and it was entertaining. Technically it wasn’t very difficult, but the artistic marks should be high. Todd needs to stretch and get a little more stable on his feet, but if they can get away with fast music for awhile, they should do well.

Wait. Did I just say that I liked one of these pairs? I'm supposed to hate them all. I feel so lost and alone...if I can't count on Fox to show bad reality shows, what can I count on???

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 7.7 The crowd boos.
Dorothy Hamill: 7.8 The crowd boos.
Mark Lund 7.8 The crowd doesn’t really react.
Total Technical Merit= 23.3

Artistry:
John Nicks: 8.0
Dorothy Hamill: 8.3
Mark Lund: 8.1
Total Artistic Impression= 24.4

Combined Score: 47.7/60.0

Next: Jillian Barberie and John Zimmerman
Practice:
She tries an axel in practice and shows that if she ever does this jump, it will be cheated at least a half rotation, on no axis, and with no air position. She tries dangerous things, and Jonathan is not so pleased. It’s amusing because tries axels, but she‘s really pretty bad at spirals and anything involving turning. Jon and the choreographer try to convince her to do a clean program, not a hard one. Also, Jillian says that this show makes her parents very proud. I’m not really sure why.

Tonight:
She’s wearing a red dress that she’s going to pop out of at any given second. In fact, I’m not entirely sure that it isn’t painted on. He’s in all black. They’re skating to The Trouble with Love Is.

They start with a lift that at least required effort, though not much. She can skate forward and backward and even bends her knees some, but her spirals are quite weak. She has the potential to show good stroking technique, but she isn’t doing it now.

Three turns are okay, but would be so much better if she’d get her free leg in. I finally get a real scratch spin. I’m not counting revolutions…suffice to say it’s well over 3. It didn’t even travel too much, which is surprising considering that she had a non-existent edge going into it.

Yay! Another camera angle where I can’t see what they’re doing. I think it was a dip of some sort, but I can’t see it.

They do some more three turns, and I scream at my TV regarding free leg positions, and I beg Jillian to please check her arms. These turns were kind of scary. There was no axis and no check position, so there was no control.

The judges’ comments:
Mark Lund: First class performance.
Dorothy Hamill: They are hot. Jillian could take up ice skating anytime.
John Nicks: Difficult to find much wrong with that performance.

My comments:
It really bothers me to see them doing lifts and such, but still see her having bad technique on spirals and turns (and even her regular stroking left something to be desired) because it reminds me that the only reason she’s doing anything well is because she has a good partner. There’s definitely potential, but I won’t admit to liking them until she gets control of her free leg and starts checking her arms.

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 8.4
Dorothy Hamill: 8.4
Mark Lund 9.0
Total Technical Merit= 25.8

Artistry:
John Nicks: 8.7
Dorothy Hamill: 8.3
Mark Lund: 9.0
Total Artistic Impression= 26.0

Combined Score: 51.8/60.0

Finally: Nancy Kerrigan and Dave Coulier
Practice:
Dave played hockey, and that concerns Nancy. She sees him on the ice with a hockey stick and has flashbacks to that fateful day in 1994 and runs away screaming…or maybe I made that up. Either way, the blades and such are different on hockey skates, and Dave wants to grind off the whole toepick. Everyone is concerned, but he does it anyway. Good thing he knows how to work a sharpening stone…I wonder how much of his edge he killed while he was at it. Oh, nevermind. I paused it and realized that it wasn’t him at the grinding wheel, so some rink employee got conned to grinding off a toepick.

Tonight:
Black suits and hats all around. They’re skating to Soul Man.

So far, we’ve got fast skating, mohawks, footwork, and Nancy did a double toe loop. This is looking promising. They take advantage of Dave’s hockey background and do some hockey stops.

Then they dance. Yes, dance. Unfortunately, Dave cannot step side to side and move his arms without staring blatantly at Nancy to make sure he’s doing the two-step correctly. At the end of the horrible dancing incident, Dave does a poorly executed 6-revolution two-foot spin that travels, then spots Nancy as she does a cartwheel. Why cartwheels are impressive is beyond me.

They do a throw axel that looks a lot more like Nancy doing a halfway-supported axel than a throw. Dave does some slaloms, proves that he can hold an edge, and then they’re done.

The judges’ comments:
Mark Lund: Well done. It was entertaining. Dave needs to work on stroking (but since he has no toepicks, that could be difficult), and Nancy did wonderfully.

Dorothy Hamill: Great skating skills and great music. Dave’s hockey background paid off in the hockey stops (which she demonstrates by moving her hand from side to side and saying “swoosh, swoosh”).

John Nicks: Dave was very stable; the hockey background paid off. Dave needs to ask himself whether he’d rather have a hockey stick in his hand or Nancy. (I'm not making that up, I promise.)

Scores – (Scale of 1 to 10):
Technical Merit:
John Nicks: 8.2
Dorothy Hamill: 8.3
Mark Lund: 7.9
Total Technical Merit= 24.4

Artistry:
John Nicks: 8.5
Dorothy Hamill: 8.3
Mark Lund: 8.1
Total Artistic Impression= 24.9

Combined Score: 49.3/60.0

The standings at the end of the night:
Jillian Barberie and John Zimmerman: 51.8
Nancy Kerrigan and Dave Coulier: 49.3
Tai Babilonia and Bruce Jenner: 48.8
Kurt Browning and Deborah Gibson: 48.0
Jenni Meno and Todd Bridges: 47.7
Kristy Swanson and Lloyd Eisler: 47.5

If my opinion mattered, I’d swap Kurt/Deborah with Kristy/Lloyd. I didn’t like Kristy and Lloyd, and neither of them did anything difficult, but at least Kristy skated. Deborah just danced around. Luckily for most of these celebrities, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Next week, Fox moves the show to its new time slots on Mondays at 8:00.

I'm going to go curl up into a ball and try to block out the idea that Fox might have a semi-decent show in its lineup.

*Edited to fix a spelling error*