LAST EDITED ON 06-11-05 AT 09:26 PM (EST)

Hell's Kitchen, Episode 2, aired 6/6/05

Pizza With Cheese, Hold The Squid Covered Cucumber

Introduction

Opening shots of London. These days it boasts a new King, the King of all Chefs, met Gordon Ramsey!

In 1993, at the age of 27, Gordon Ramsay opened his first restaurant. Doing the math, I figure out he's only 39! Wow, look what the heat in the kitchen has done to his face!

He's been voted Englands best chef for the past 9 years. Nine restaurants, best selling books, and a top rated television program have made Gordon Ramsay a superstar. Really? That's news to most of us here, I'm sure. What a build up!

Anyway, he's the bad boy of celebrity chefs. "I push them to the absolute max. That's how you get perfection."

So, England has imported this hot as hell, and twice as nasty Chef to America. He's got his own reality show (doesn't every overinflated ego deserve his own reality show?), and he will mold one of 12 DAWs into a Master Chef, who will win their very own restaurant. I'm just happy his hair is not some massive combover.

The kitchen has 72 cameras to catch all the drama. Gordon will challenge and inspire, not to mention yell at, encourage, and push them to the limits.

Let's hear it from the victims contestants:

Jimmy: He's a freakin' maniac.
Mary Ellen: He's the devil.
Elsie: He's the Simon Cowell of the kitchen.
Jessica: He's way worse than Simon Cowell.

Ummm, Jessica, your hair is way worse than Ryan Seacrest's hair. Just sayin'. Actually, I'm just kidding, too. I would wear my hair like that, but it would scare Mr. Silver and Silverchild, not to mention our poor cat.

The Ohio Players play "Fire" and we see all of the wannabe Master Chef's who will be under fire for the next 10 weeks or so just to win a restaurant. There must be an easier way to get your own restaurant, but here they are anyway: Carolann (no longer with us, as of the end of Ep1), Chris, Elsie, Ralph, Michael, Jimmy, Wendy, Jessica and her hair spikes, Andrew and de Nile River, Mary Ellen the perky one, Dewberry, who will hereafter be called Dewber, which rhymes with Goober, and last, but not and maybe least, Jeff and his kidney stones.

They provide us with a recap of Ep1, but you can go read Vol's summary instead, if you haven't read it already.

Resetting the <bleep> counter back to zero, to begin this episode.

Here we go...

Eleven tired peeps go back to their dorms to get some much needed rest at 12:30 AM.

Now, wait for it... Here's the big showdown between Elsie and Goober Dewber. Dewber is seen looking into the bathroom mirror, and a toilet flushes. Elsie comes out of one of the stalls, smiling. Dewber extends his arms to her and they hug. He says, "That was really hard on you. I'm sorry."

What? In voice over, he goes on, "It's really hard to hold a grudge, but the next time, if it were me picked, it's payback time."

Something tells me that Dewber is as gutless as a cleaned squid, only not as good looking. I don't think he should be thinking about being picked as the best on his team, unless Hell's Kitchen suddenly freezes over.

Back at the dorms:

"Jeff dude, you lucked out!"
"I'm relieved. I feel like I got one more day."
"What kind of breakfast are you going to make Elsie tomorrow morning? That's what I'd like to know."
"He wanted you something bad!"
"He's going to look for some improvement yada yada yada blah blah blah."

Good Morning, Losers

At 5:45 AM, Scott and Mary Ann, the Sous Chefs, wake up the teams by banging on pans. Dewber thought it could have been someone with a gun. Yes, you just never know Dewb, your time could be up soon, with all the face time you're getting, but I don't think there will be guns involved in your demise.

5:55 AM - Chef Ramsey has a plan to turn Hell's Kitchen around.

The teams are shown waiting around while Chris takes his time getting dressed and brushes his teeth. Seven minutes later, we are treated to the first <bleep> of this episode, as Chef Ramsey calls Chris a "Lazy <bleep>". He chastises Chris, telling him to be up first next time, and to be there the same time as the rest of his team.

Chef Ramsey reminds them all of the bad opening at the restaurant the night before.

The Challenge

Today's lesson is a challenge that will teach the importance of attention to detail. The two teams are lead into the kitchen, where there are silver trays with covers, and zucchinis nearby. Elsie thought they were going to learn how to peel a zucchini. Yeah, Elsie, because that would be hard to learn how to do. Pffft! Btw, I would be worried if I were you, seeing all the face time you are getting.

Chef Ramsey has them lift the dome off of the trays to reveal mounds of <ewww, ickk, gross!> squid. Dewber says, "When I saw all those squid, my heart sank, because I absolutely hate seafood."

My guess, Dewb, is that you are not going to get a chance to eat it, so chill.

Chef Ramsey asks Michael to sit out this challenge to even up the teams, and because Michael is an experienced squid cleaner, which has me wondering if Gordon saw it on Michael's resume. Wouldn't that be funny to see on someone's resume. "Squid cleaner."

Chef Ramsey has added squid to tomorrow night's menu. After a quick demo, they'll have 10 minutes to clean as many squid as they can. The team that cleans the most squids is having dinner with Chef Ramsey, prepared by him. Michael is really excited about this, and thinks that it is really cool.

The losing team will be preparing squid for the entire restaurant, while the winners are enjoying their dinner.

Elsie describes the nastiness of this job, saying "It was so gross, first thing in the morning."

You don't have to convince me! It's enough to end Bacon's 19 year vomit streak.

Meanwhile, here's an inspired poem:

A zucchini and an octopus go out on a date
Veggie says to Fishy, Gee, you sure smell great.
Get rid of those legs, those guts, and those eyes.
I'll fit into your body, you're just the right size.

Says Miss Octi to the green boy, Oh my eyes!
Why do I have to be the one to sacrifice?
Even though my gutless body will fit you like a glove,
Why should I want any part of your kinky love?

Okay, inspiration over.

Go, teams, go!

There can't be any holes or tears anywhere on the prepared squid. Elsie enlightens us with this gem: "Dewberry seemed to have a pretty good handle on that cucumber, but then again, I expected all the guys could handle that pretty well."

This is the Fox network, Elsie. I'm just glad they don't have a reality show based on how well men handle their cucumbers or zucchinis. Or did they do that already with Paradise Hotel or Love Cruise?

The 10 minute challenge is over so, Chef Ramsey says, "Stop! Down, down, down, down."

It sounds like he's training dogs, doesn't it?

Chef Ramsey starts counting the Red Team's cleaned squid. Jeff, Jimmy, and Elsie each finished one squid. Dewber actually cleaned 2 that were intact, claiming that he'd been brought back from the dead. Really? We'll see, Goober boy.

Chris, in a effort to outdo everyone, because he's an executive chef and all, presented 4 cleaned squid, but only one was accepted by Chef Ramsey. "Big deal", quips Chef Ramsey. Surprisingly, he didn't insert a <bleep> as in "Big <bleep>ing deal." I hope he's not losing his touch!

Anyway, the Red Team has 6.

The Blue Team: Ralph - 2, Jessica - 1, Wendy - 0, even though she claims to be a perfectionist, Mary Ellen - 2, giving the team a total of 5 so far. It all comes down to Andrew.

They have to show commercials now, and they are showing one of my favorites because of the new Saturn sports car that won't be available until 2007. I want one. Dream on, me!

While we're on a commercial break, here's a little quiz:

Q: How many octopi does it take to make octopus pie?

Answer at the end of the summary. Don't peek!

Back to the Blue Team cleaned squid count. Chef Ramsey is examining Andrew's contribution. "It's clean on the inside, clean on the outside, but there's a big <bleep> hole in the bottom."

<bleep> count = 2.

Andrew's smile dissapears, and the Red Team are declared the winners. <Red Team applauds>

Andrew: "That was crap! That squid, as far as I was concerned, was perfect. My cucumber fit in there ever so nicely."

Ah, the memories! Andrew stops to light up a cigarette.

Chef Ramsey reminds the Red Team they are having dinner with him tonight, while the Blue Team cleans squid. The Red Team members all say, "Thank you, Chef!" Bunch of <bleep> kissers, if you ask me.

The Challenge Blues

Back at the dorms, Andrew and Wendy take a trip down Denial River together, because according to them, their squids were really perfect. Chef Ramsey must need glasses or his head examined. The latter may be true, but it doesn't change the fact that these two losers didn't perform well tonight. Wendy claimed that her hole was minuscule. I don't know if she was talking about the squid or just bragging about her own physical attributes, but soon, she is teaching everyone a Mandarin phrase for "We will not lose again." The rest of the team embraces a chance to play up to the cameras, and they seem to adopt the Mandarin sentence as their new battle cry. I'm betting they forget it as soon as they leave the room.

Training Session

Both teams head back to the kitchen for a much needed training session with Chef Ramsey. They are learning about salmon, veggie sauce, and how to think along Chef Ramsey's lines.

After a long day of training, the Red Team heads off to the dorms to clean up for dinner and some valuable time with Chef Ramsey. The Blue Team stays in the kitchen to work on squid.

Reward and Punishment

Ralph: The Red Team's gonna get a little face time with the Chef today. That's gotta be good for them.

The Red Team is shown preparing for the big <bleep>ing deal of a meal with Chef Ramsey. Dewber says, "Look at you, J-Lo!" to Elsie. As for him, he's no slave to fashion, wearing a huge shirt to hide his man boobs and love handles.

Michael is very gellus of the Red Team's having dinner with Chef Ramsey, while his team has to prepare the nasty squids.

The Blue Team tells the Red Team they look good as the Red Team files into the dining room for dinner. As part of their punishment, the Blues get to watch the Reds enjoy their reward.

Chef Ramsey: Welcome. Gentlemen, sit down please.

Elsie: I'm not going to show off too much, but I'm pretty sure they're going to be looking over at us.

The Blues notice the champagne being served in the dining room.

Jeff asks Chef Ramsey how he manages all those restaurants.

Chef Ramsey: I've got a phenomenal team. Ten years we've been together. I push them to the extreme. Their talent is very special. I get more satisfied watching the talent become serious talent.

Chef Ramsey inquires about the food, and Jeff tells him the ravioli is perfect. They all agree it's been a pleasant evening, the Reds say "Thank you, Chef." one more time, and they go back to the dorms, with the Blues still up to their elbows in octopi.

Everyone goes to bed exhausted after their busy day, except Jeff, who is lying face down in the hallway, moaning and groaning in obvious pain. He starts to get up, clutching at the wall, when Jessica and her butt crack walk by asking him, "Are you okay, Jeff?" After touching him, causing him to moan more, she scratches her tummy, waves her hand and says, "Whatever." How compassionate of her.

Hell's Kitchen, day 3, 6:15 AM

Mary Ellen, Jessica, and Andrew discuss Jeff and his pains. Jeff, in a confessional, confides that he has a history of kidney stones. Jessica, still talking behind his back, says she thinks he is a hypochondriac.

Andrew tries to comfort Jeff, who is now lying in bed.

Tonight Hell's Kitchen opens for the second time. Squid is the only new item on the menu, so Chef Ramsey is expecting improvement. Again, as in the last time, the Red Team is cooking for the red tables and the Blue Team is cooking for the blue tables.

6:26 PM, 34 minutes until opening

Chef Ramsey asks Dewber about his spaghetti appetizer. Dewber hasn't tasted it, so Chef Ramsey has him taste it. Dewber nods his head and tries to walk away, but Chef Ramsey calls him back and asks for comments. Chef Ramsey agrees with the accessment that it is nice, and tells Dewber to make sure all of it is like that. Wow, a kinder, gentler Chef Ramsay.

Wendy nervously paces about, trying to organize her kitchen.

Chef Ramsey lines up both teams before the opening to give them his final words. I sure hope he holds the <bleep>s.

He doles out additional punishment to the Blue Team for losing the squid challenge. They will have no A/C in their kitchen. He informs them that his A/C went out on his first night in the business, and there's been hell to pay ever since. They should all learn to shore up and deal with it. Let's go.

Sous Chef Scot, as he's putting up the torture device thermometer: There's your <bleep> thermometer, right there.

The temperature is already 100 degrees. Not as hot as hell yet, but little devils are starting to make reservations just to be in that kitchen.

As a matter of fact, Hell's Kitchen is booked solid for it's second dinner service, even though the first night was a disaster. The incoming patrons are randomly seated at red and blue tables. They are all hoping the food lives up to Chef Ramsey's world class standards.

Chef Ramsey is waiting for the first appetizer for the blue tables. Mary Ellen's caesar salad goes out to the dining room without a snag. Temperatures have reached 125 degrees in the blue kitchen.

Dewber's pasta is a hit, and the Red Team is off to a good start.

Then, trouble begins. Chef Ramsey asks Wendy how long for 2 bloody risotto.
Wendy: Coming up right now, Chef!
Chef Ramsey, tasting it: The rice is crunchy. *takes food out of his mouth* This is turning out to be a bit of a joke.

Ralph helps Wendy out, trying to take up a bit of the slack. Chef is pleased with Ralph's risotto. We see the patron enjoying her risotto at the table.

By 8:02 PM, the red tables have received all of their appetizers and the Red Team have delivered all of their main courses to the hot plate. Chef Ramsey needs vegetable garnishes from Jeff.

Chef Ramsey: Just give me the <bleep> spinach, Jeff!

Chef Ramsey says you can't have meat or fish standing there waiting for vegetables. Oh, yeah, Ms. Octi is waiting for Mr. Cucumber, but that's another story. Chef asks why should everything else suffer?

Another <bleep> from Chef Ramsey when he discovers Jeff has burnt the spinach. He tells Jeff to throw it away, but Jeff tries to hide it under the counter, infuriating the Chef even more.

Chef Ramsey: Throw it away, you little <bleep>.

Jeff blames his kidney stones for his lack of focus. I blame his lack of <bleep>.

Another <bleep> from the Chef, as Jeff struggles to do anything right. At one point, Jeff doubles over in pain.

By now, the blue kitchen has caught up with the Red Team, having served 10 entrees. Scot reminds them it's 140 degrees in there, the official temperature of Hell. Nice guy. They all drink water and sweat. This would really be Hell for me.

Chef Ramsey dogs Michael, and he handles it by saying, "Yes, Chef!" to everything. He recognizes that Chef Ramsey is the King of the kitchen.

Chris jumps in to help Elsie cook salmon on the grill, using tongs to turn and make sure the fish has nice little grill marks on it.

There is a power struggle in the blue kitchen between Mary Ellen and Andrew over the meat entrees. Chef throws away one of Mary Ellen's beef wellingtons. Andrew and Mary Ellen fuss with each other again. According to him, she keeps pulling the meat out too soon.

Dewber has delivered lamb chops and beef wellington to Chef Ramsey, but the beef is too well done, so Chef Ramsey gives it back to him. Dewber starts a fire in one of the pans and Chef Ramsey is after his butt.

Dewber: I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing. The only thing I've mastered tonight is cooking spaghetti. Thank God I could do one thing.

Chef Ramsey: Get back to your section.
Dewber: Yes, Chef!

Hell's Kitchen 9:12 PM

After over 2 hours only 8 main course have come out of the red kitchen. Some customers try to talk to Chef Ramsey about the long wait, but the Chef from Hell adds 5 more to the <bleep> counter telling one of them off.

Narrator: Nothing upsets Chef Ramsey more than when customers come into the kitchen. After words from Chef Ramsey, Dewber starts to leave the kitchen with Jeff calling "Dewey, Dewey!" after him. Dewber sees Elsie's face and decides to return to the kitchen.

Chef Ramsey tells him to never desert his section again. "Stand there and take is like a man. I'm taking <bleep> because of you."

Dewber cries and berates himself in a confessional. Dewber's meltdown slows the red kitchen down to a standstill.

Another customer confrontation about the 2 hour 45 minute wait, 2 more <bleep>s, and more chastisement for Dewber from his favorite Chef.

Customers are complaining about Chef Ramsey's rudeness and one claims that it's Chef Ramsey who is messing up the food.

Despite problems with Andrew, Mary Ellen has gotten out 1/2 of their main courses with compliments from Chef Ramsey. Andrew complains about Mary Ellen to Scot, but Scot says that is not what he saw.

Mary Ellen: He's the kind of guy that would sell you down the river.
Andrew: Do you want me to help you with that?
Mary Ellen: No, continue talking trash about me. I like it.
Andrew: I'm not talking trash about you.

Three hours ino the service, patrons from both sides are leaving unfed. Some customers, have taken matters into their own hands by ordering pizza. Mmmmm, pizza!

The Maitre de tells them they can't bring outside food in, it's a violation of health codes. One customer becomes very aggitated, after hearing on of the Maitre de's comments about his education, so the next thing we know, the customer is poking the Maitre de in the shoulder, and yelling about his doctorate. Someone runs to tell the Chef, and Ramsey decides to call it a day, shutting the kitchen down.

Jessica throws in her signature "Whatever" line, everything gets turned off, and customers file out of the service area.

Choosing the Losers

Chef Ramsey must now decide the losing team. He tells the Blue Team that the customers said their cold starters were horrible, but you did get main courses out.

To the Red Team: Three quarters of your diners really enjoyed their appetizers, but nearly half of your diners didn't receive their main course. In fact, and this is a real first for me, one of your tables was so frustrated, they phoned for a <bleep> pizza. They et it. And the main courses still hadn't come out.

The losing team tonight is the Red Team.

"Chris"
"Yes, Chef, sir, Chef, King of the Kitchen, Satan himself!"
"I've been squeezing your <bleep> for the last 3 days, because everytime you opened your mouth, you sounded like a right wanker, but tonight you turned it around."
"Yes, Chef, Your Majesty, O Lord of the Culinary Delights!"
"You were the least bad of your Red Team."
"Thank you, Chef, O Wonderful Wizard of..."
"Enough of that, please choose two of your teammates for elimination."

The two teams file out of the kitchen, back to the dorms.

Jeff to Chris: I was doing fine until the pain started getting intense and I started to lose focus.
Kidney stones: <high pitched laughter, like the little mice in "Babe">

We are treated to a video review of Jeff's clumsy kitchen performance. Jeff is still defending himself, when Chris walks away from him.

Jimmy says it sucks to be on the losing team. I'm not so worried for Jimmy, because, as big as he is, he had virtually no face time in this episode. He adds one to the <bleep> meter when conversing with Chris. Chris explains to Jimmy that his decision is not going to be personal.

We see Dewber lying on a hammock, smoking a cigarette, telling Jeff: This is the worst night of my life, and I've lived for 33 years and if I don't get my own restaurant I'll have to go home to my mother's basement where there are no windows and she only throws me scraps and stuff. *sniff*

Chris is ready to get rid of the dead weight on the team because he really wants to win the restaurant.

The teams meet with Chef Ramsey back in the kitchen.

Chef Ramsey: Chris, first person you've nominated for elimination and why?
Chris: Dewber, because he's a goober, lets himself get upset, and is a widdle cwybaby.
We see others nodding in agreement with Chris.
Chef Ramsey: Second nominee?
Chris: Jeff and his kidney stones.

We hear some more high pitched laughter from the Kidney Stones, as Jeff takes a hard swallow. He knows his time here might be over soon.

Chris: He lets his own head get in the way. It's gonna hurt the team in the long run. I just hope kidney stones are not contagious.

Chef Ramsey asks the 2 losers nominees to come forward. He tells Chris he agrees with his choices 110%.

Chef Ramsey: Dewber, why should you stay?
Dewber: I did put out some good work but I did let things get under my skin,... inexcusable... never let it happen again... yada, yada, yada, sniff, sniff, whinealot.
Chef Ramsey makes a face at Dewber's reply.
Jeff: I really tried, been a team player the past 2 days, the committment papers are signed. I'm so there.

Chef Ramsey: But you're a <bleep> cook. You really are <bleep>.
The <bleep>s bring smiles to Jessica's and Andrew's faces.

The Chef reviews the two performances in his head.

Chef Ramsey: Dewberry, you're going tonight for one very simple reason. You're a coward! Give me your jacket and get out of Hell's Kitchen!

Acccckkkk, my eyes! The man boobs on Dewber are tremendous. I wish he could put the jacket back on, but he waddles out of the kitchen, love handles and swaying breasticles barely covered by the thin white t-shirt with "Dewber" written in black sharpy ink by his mother.

Kidney Stones: Oh, well, we'll just have to try harder to get out of Hell next week.

Chef Ramsey hangs Dewber's very dirty, greasy cook's jacket on a hook next to Carolann's jacket.

Chef Ramsey to remaining contestants: If any of you want your own restaurant, it's desire I want to see.

Next week: Another fabu Vols summary with some of the following - the teams go grocery shopping, while wearing their cook's jackets. Someone screams, there's another fire in the kitchen, Chef Ramsey sends a Blue Team member over to the Red side to even out the teams, and America's top food critics are there to experience the food. One bad risotto that causes a customer to hurl (I hope it's not our Bacon), which might be Andrew's fault, as Chef Ramsey adds another <bleep>. At the worst possible time, one chef stands up to Chef Ramsey. It's the most intense dinner service yet!

Answer to quiz question: One, because octupus pie implies there is only one, but the question might be viewed as a trick question because I asked how many octopi.

Oh, and I've totally lost count of the <bleep>s.

Sea ya!