ZOMG! What possessed me? I wrote something-it's unofficial and if it stinks up the place too much I will quietly request it be taken down.
Previously, On Hell’s Kitchen:
Gordon’s little brown-nosing hotsy totsy wins over the extremely likeable guy everyone thought should win. She gets the job. Petrozza goes back to stuffing gourds with birds. Jen goes back to the shark tank at the aquarium to perfect her dead eye stare. Matty goes back to being the alien head at the end of old Star Trek episodes.
And now, for the new season! We are excited, yes? Looks like a nice confident group. I do mean overconfident. Don’t worry, donkeys, Gordon will fix that. Please allow me to discuss those I remember (heck, I’m doing this by memory so many of them are missing or simply didn’t do anything that stood out.):
CO-lean: Martha Stewart’s long lost sister. She teaches cooking classes for $300 a pop. And manners, Chef. Pinky up! Apparently she can’t cook for shite and GR will remind her of this at every available moment. Wanted to re-use a pan. Kiss your clients goodbye after that fiasco. I never heard her name pronounced this way before and I know a few Colleens. Her signature dish? Dirty diapers. OK OK it was some kind of enchilada thing that GR spit out. Is this something we need to see again and again? Somebody thinks so. Somebody with a bulimia fixation. Yuck.
We should start a drinking game…
Hell’s Kitchen Drinking Game:
GR ends a sentence with yes? Drink
Contestants say yes chef? Drink
Bad risotto? Drink
GR spits? 2 drinks
GR throws something? Duck, then drink
Contestant smokes? Drink
Contestant cries? Drink
Anyone curses? Drink
It's probably been done before. Forget it. We’d all be in the hospital within a half hour anyway. Back to the wannabes:
Lazey: Girl thinks she’s all that. A corporate chef? Riiiight. Let me translate from Lazi-ese to English: hash slinger. She’s so lost in the kitchen she needs a Garmin. She storms off saying she quit after not knowing how to work what looked like a soft serve ice cream machine. Is that what it was? Oh. My. GOD. Suggestion: Shut up and learn fast or you’re going home the nanosecond the women’s team gets to vote.
Seth: Boy thinks he’s all that. Needs to borrow the Garmin. His eyebrows are superbly shaped and I’d like to know where he gets them done. But I digress. He tries to kiss up to GR when he is put up for elimination, and I guess it worked. Ugh.
Wil: Oh so cute! Sadly he was also totally inept at his station. Too bad. He nominated himself for elimination and leave he did. Yoda I am not.
Robert: Seems to be determined and helpful but a little too eager to communicate in the kitchen. He interrupted Ramsey calling out the orders. You can be executed for that in Ramsay’s world. GR’s ongoing verbal assault reminds us and Robert that being overweight personally offends him. Perhaps Robert should respond that GR is getting so wrinkly he makes a raisin look like a grape.
Danny: Pony tailed self-proclaimed redneck with the big mouth is either going to punch GR out or GR will punch him out. Mark my words. He will also win the roadkill challenge. You heard it here first.
There are many more that did not make much of an impression on me yet and if any of them are reading
I apologize piss off
The kitchen tried to pull together despite some faulty generator issues causing a power outage. Diners had to wait too long for their meals and most of them walked out. Chef ended up closing the kitchen.
The men of the Blues Brothers (retch) team looked like they were going to win. But their waiter teammate was so inept in the dining room that 90% of the customers said he sucked. By comparison the women’s team, named after some spice (Saffron? Is that red? Whatever, it beat out Spice Rack. Retch again) seemed totally disorganized in the kitchen but their waitperson kicked azz in the dining room. She kept the wine flowing and the diners in their seats. She had a higher percentage approval rating by far. Gordon uses this to decide the winning team.
The men put Wil and Seth up for elimination, and sadly the wrong guy handed in his jacket. Moral of the story: Don’t nominate yourself for elimination unless you are really ready to go.
Coming up next week:
GR ends a sentence with yes.
Contestants say yes chef.
There is bad risotto.
GR throws something.
Arencha glad I don't do summaries?