LAST EDITED ON 06-16-05 AT 09:22 PM (EST)Let’s all take a minute to thank Webby for creating a forum on this little part of the Internet we have come to know and love.
I sort of mentioned this in Clueless’ thread but want to say it again. I think it is asinine to think anyone (Ramsay included) could bring 12 strangers together and expect them to open a restaurant with less than 8 hours of training. Even if they were all very well educated in the restaurant business, there is still a learning curve. Also, Ramsay is going to have to give them help or consolidate the kitchens soon. I don’t know that 4 or 5 should be expected to run the place without help.
Beginning with this episode summary I am introducing a way of keeping up with Ramsay and his rants that cause FOX to heavily edit the show. I hereby introduce you to the BLEEP-O-METER to keep up with the number of times the degrading one uses a word he shouldn’t. So, keep an eye out for the counter and let’s see how many bleeps he spews.
After previews, recarp and music intro we finally start the show about 10 mins into the hour. We pick-up just after Raspberry was told to get the hell out of Hell’s Kitchen. While everyone is having a beer and talking about missing Doughberry, Jeff is into himself. We see him slipping away for a nice personal moment alone in the bathroom. I have no idea what he has in mind but he looks fiercely. He goes into one of the stalls and we hear water running and then he emerges from the stall with something in his hand. What is it? Is it a gun that he will use to shoot Ramsay? Is it a condom as he is going to make his moves on Mary Ellen? No, it is something very small as FOX feels like they have to highlight it in order to draw attention to it. It is the kidney stone! He passed the stone and sets out to prove to everyone he really was sick. Jeff takes said stone and proceeds to show everyone and Elsie says, “It is really small!” At this point in time Elsie would be pulling my foot out of her ass if I were Jeff. Elsie obviously has no idea the pain involved in passing a kidney stone. I have heard that kidney stones could be a sign of a B-12 deficiency. I have also heard that B-12 is a very essential vitamin that could be the root of many evils 
Next morning, Ramsay decides the teams need to be evened-up. Currently the red team is two peeps down (4-6). Michael is told to take-off his blue jacket and become the new member of the red team. This could be a good move for Michael if he can get these idiots organized. Michael in all his tattooed glory isn’t so sure he is ready for the move because he wants to win and I guess he thinks his chance is on the blue team.
With the teams even at 5, Ramsay says it is time for a new challenge. Both teams must turn against themselves and fight till there is only one team member left alive. Oh wait, that was my daydream…not what actually happened. Each team will prepare a 5-course meal for a VIP. You want to know who the very important penis is? Then you shall wait no longer…RAMSAY! They are to go to the grocery store and pick-up what they need. The sous chefs are out front with a double-decker bus. The chefs are told to get the menu set on the way to the store.
The bus ride shows us a rift between Andrew and Ralph. Andrew doesn’t want to do a hot appleteaser but Ralph rejects the idea immediately. It is clear that Andrew does not like to be told what to do. The only problem I see is that Andrew may be cute but I am not sure he is much of a leader. He acts like a snake at times and I don’t know how he would work in his own restaurant.
The sous chefs really cracks me up and I think I will take a stab at giving them nicknames. The lady reminds me of an Oriental Olive Oyl, so I am going with O Cubed as a nickname. The shaved head guy is someone I find very attractive and I am really warming to his aggressiveness (WHEW! It is getting hot in here), however I find him looking a little like Lurch from The Addams family, so I am going with Lurch Wanna-Be or LWB from here on out. Anywho, LWB stops the chefs at the door of the grocer and tells them (the chefs) that they have to be able to adjust quickly in the restaurant industry and this challenge will show them how they can handle the stress. Oh good grief, they have Satan berating them with every step they take…they have enough stress! Back to the challenge, LWB tells them they have 10 minutes to get their groceries as O Cubed waves two one hundred dollar bills as if she is starting the Indianapolis 500! Each team has 10 minutes and one hundred dollars to spend.
LWB blows the whistle and the 10 minutes have started. The blue team stays together and acts like they know exactly what they are doing. The red team? Not going too good as they are running around like their aprons are on fire. Everyone is looking for Jeff. They find him looking for bread and really having a rough time. He complains that all the bread is hard as a rock. You may be thinking that Jeff is being very smart in picking out the freshest loaf. This is normally a good thing however, he is wanting to make
*drumroll*
You ready?
You sure?
Ok, he is making CRUTONS! *rolls eyes*
The red team makes it to the cashier with 40 seconds left and the blue team makes it with 15 seconds. However, Ralph decides he HAS to have bacon. He takes off running and pulls bacon in the buggy as time runs out. WHEW! I don’t know what he would have done without bacon…let’s see if he makes something good out of it.
The teams now have one hour to prepare their meal for the very important penis. Each person will be responsible for one dish. Jeff is determined to make his signature soup. The others don’t know if they should let him but he insists he is making the soup. He is making the soup or he will hair lip Santa Claus! GEEZ! Let him make the damn soup already.
Next up, editing is in high gear as we are shown and told that Micheal is fitting in very well with the red team and Ralph is taking over(literally) the blue team. Is this a sign of things to come or is the book of revelations finally played out? Let’s find out.
Each team lines up in front of Ramsay with their dish they made to be tested and here goes:
First Course: Cold Starters
Jessica has made grilled pineapples with UM…UM…UM. Hell, she doesn’t even know what she made as Ramsay shouts at her and tells her it is just as well because the dish is tasteless.
Elsie has made a salad. A salad? WTF? Who messes up a salad? Evidently, not Elsie because Ramsay thinks it is quiet tasty.
Blue team : 0
Red team : 1
Second Course: Hot Starters
Ralph made roasted corn chowder and Ramsay says it is really nice. However, I saw no bacon whatsoever! I guess he could have used some of the bacon grease in the soup to give it flavor but the soup was not topped with bacon bits.
Jeff makes his signature white potato puree with a roasted garlic crutons. Ramsay says it is delicious! WOW! That is the best compliment he has given out. I may not have to pull out the bleep-o-meter. I guess Jeff pulled the kidney stone out of his butt…oh wait…that’s already happened.
Blue team : 1
Red team : 2
Third Course: Fish
Wendy has prepared ginger scallion pan roasted salmon and did a very good job with presentation. Ramsay says it wasn’t bad.
Chris poached some type of fish with cauliflower and it does nothing for the great one…wouldn’t even feed it to sick rabbits! Where does this man come up with all these animal references and why is it getting on my nerves?
Blue team : 2
Red team : 2
Fourth Course: Meat
Andrew grilled a rib eye with ox tail mushroom sauce topped with grilled white peaches. GRILLED WHITE PEACHES? Who pulled peaches out of someone’s ass and thought they would go great on top of a rib eye? Did they even taste it before they served it? Ramsay says, “It is BLEEP-O-METER:1 disgusting! Well, that didn’t take long and we are in the meter business!
Michael has grilled a porterhouse with mushrooms cut into little shapes…an H and K with a pitchfork between the letters. Very clever as Ramsay calls him a smartass but it is an interesting look. Ramsay likes it!
Blue team : 2
Red team : 3
Fifth Course: Desserts
Mary Ellen makes crème brulee. Where the hell did Mary Ellen come from? This is the first time I have seen her this episode. However, Ramsay likes her crème! It is tied and will come down to the last dish!
Jimmy has made a vanilla poached pear with a very nice presentation but it was rather dull.
Ok, the whole deal with Ralph and the bacon was nothing! He didn’t even use the bacon and was nowhere to be seen. How dramatic was that? F’ing editors.
The tie will be broken by Ramsay and will be determined by the team that had the best overall food and presentation. Basically, it will be the team Ramsay wants to win or all ready been chosen. The winner is the red team and will go to a pub with Ramsay to celebrate and as a reward for winning the challenge. The blue team will be responsible for cleaning the dorms where they have been living. Chef reminds Andrew to remember to clean the toilets! BWAHAHAHA!
Chef Ramsay shows a much nicer side as they have drinks and throw darts. Everyone is having a good time making fun of Jeff as Ramsay thinks he (Jeff) would be fun to have at parties and New Year’s Eve. Along with everyone else I agree that Jeff would not be fun to be around. He is a swivel stick in a stiff drink…you just throw those away. It was really cool to see Ramsay relaxing and showing a human side to his very abrasive actions.
The blue team is cleaning the house and not happy about it at all. They are all upset when the red team returns and starts talking to them. All of them just blows off the red team. WOW! These dolts are really poor losers. They can’t win with grace nor can they lose with dignity. They are just a bunch kids.
The next morning, Chef Ramsay gives them a pep talk while the voiceover tells us that the red team will serve the peeps sitting at the red tables…do I really need to continue here? I absolutely hate FOX for this reason. They tell us the same thing over and over. They show us previews and recarps before and after every friggen commercial! This gets old fast.
The teams take a break before opening the doors and the red team meets in the back yard. They are discussing how Jeff can work more efficiently. Jeff gets into a shouting match with Chris and Jeff storms off. The editing makes it look like Jeff is inexperienced but he thinks he can do anything. Back where I come from (dear Lord, I never thought I would sound like a country music song, thanks Kenny!) we have a name for peeps like Jeff…DUMBASS!
The restaurant is getting ready to open and the red team is shown prepping their food. It seems everyone is ready except Jeff. He doesn’t have the carrots and beans ready. Jeff hasn’t done anything but pass a kidney stone all day!
The doors open and everything gets started except in the kitchen. Ramsay pulls everyone aside to tell them that there are two top international food critics sitting somewhere in the restaurant. No one knows where they are (yeah right) so everything has to be perfect. The critics are Melissa Clark (cookbook author and critic) and Kate Krader (Food & Wine Magazine). I wonder what type of experience these ladies have at taste testing food? I understand they write about food but what are their qualifications.
Twenty minutes into the night and Jeff is already on the hot seat. He has made two appetizers but one has all the lobster and the other has none. Ramsay screams, “One got all the lobster and one’s got no lobster!.Micheal takes over for Jeff and completes the task. O Cubed shouts for Jeff to thank Michael and he does as all is well in O Cube’s world. The first two appetizers that leave the kitchen heading over to the food critics’ table even though no one knows where they are sitting 
are from the red kitchen and are spaghetti and risotto. The first food critic liked Jeff’s spaghetti but the second critic doesn’t like Michael’s risotto. Here is one of my pet peeves. I don’t understand why anyone listens to food and movie critics. The critics are just giving their opinions and mean nothing more than that. The spaghetti has lobster and the risotto has crab and I wonder if either critic has ever had these dishes prepared this way. The only thing this tells me is that one individual does or does not like the dish. Who is to say I will/won’t like it but ME? *steps off soap box*
The blue team’s appleteasers make it to the critics next. The critics get the same dish…looks like they would have gotten different dishes. The first critic doesn’t like Wendy’s spaghetti and the second critic AGAIN doesn’t like the risotto made by Andrew.
In one of the funniest moments of this season, a family is shown getting Andrew’s risotto. They are happy to be getting their food but with one bite the lady vomits! Throws-up in the middle of the restaurant! BWAHAHAH! I don’t know why but the family decides to leave…immediately!
Ramsay calls Andrew over and tells him to taste the BLEEP-O-METER 3 food. Andrew immediately responds that it is too salty. Ramsay screams for him to taste the BLEEP-O-METER 4 food! Andrew tastes and says it is too salty. Ramsay says that Andrew doesn’t have a BLEEP-O-METER 5 clue. Andrew says he is trying and Ramsay tells him to shut the BLEEP-O-METER 6 up and to get back to BLEEP-O-METER 7 work! I don’t understand these asshats because if Andrew knew it was too salty why did he send it out? Most of the time these peeps know what they have done but they let it go anyways. I am beginning to side with Ramsay…I would be upset too.
The red kitchen is heating up with Jeff not pulling his weight. Ramsay needs sea bass and Jeff says it will be ready in 5 minutes. Totally BLEEP-O-METER 8 not acceptable for Ramsay. Jeff reminds me of a weeble. He just wobbles around without falling down.
The sh!t hits the griddle when Ramsay asks Jeff what the BLEEP-O-METER 9 he is doing. Jeff says that Michael is helping him with the sea bass. Ramsay says Jeff isn’t doing a BLEEP-O-METER 10 thing! Jeff finally breaks and says he has had enough. Ramsay asks him if he is quitting and responds that he isn’t a quitter. Ramsay tells him he isn’t a BLEEP-O-METER 11 cook either. Ramsay demands Jeff to get back to BLEEP-O-METER 12 work! Jeff calls Ramsay and a**hole and O Cubed hears him and calls him out. Jeff walks over to Ramsay and tells him he (Ramsay) is an a**hole and storms out. Jeff just Ostened leaving the red team to pick-up the slack! Seriously, I don’t think teletubby had what it takes to run a restaurant. He just walks around like he is lost.
In a moment of she didn’t just say that…Wendy says that she doesn’t eat meat and therefore doesn’t cook it. WTF? I understand someone being a vegetarian but why the hell would she want to be a chef and never be expected to cook meat. Wendy says some of the dumbest things. Is she really this stewpid?
That scene was a set-up for the next one with our heavy-duty critics. They both receive Wendy’s lamb. The first critic says it looks perfect and YET AGAIN the second critic doesn’t like it! Who the fvck is this woman? Mikey’s mom? Does she like anything?
Three hours into the third night and customers start walking out. Ramsay goes off on Wendy for saying dumb things (I am glad I am not the only one). Ramsay is forced to the stop the action. Going by critic’s responses he determines the winner as the red team. The blue team received more complaints. Ralph was the star and gets to nominate 2 people to be evicted.
Ralph thinks about the evening and decides to nominate Wendy because the main problems were at the meat station and she was manning it. The other nominee is Andrew because of bickering with Ramsay. Ramsay has had enough and tells Wendy she is painful to work with and that she is going BLEEP-O-METER 13 home!
All in all, not a bad week because Ramsay only got BLEEPED 13 times. I think it was way worse the first couple of episodes.
Silvergirl will be here next week to bring us the drama as it appears Ramsay will still be BLEEP-O-METER 14 cussing.
OH.THE.DRAMA!
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